March 3, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. Thursday morning, the newly-confirmed Secretary of the Interior, Ryan Zinke, rode a horse to work. Big deal, this is how Trump gets to work every morning:
putin-trump

2. On Wednesday, novelist Kurt Anderson and actor Alec Baldwin announced that they are teaming up to write a satirical book about President Trump. It will be the first completely satirical book that is also non-fiction.

3. Quarterback Colin Kaepernick has changed his mind and announced that he will stand during the national anthem next season. “Down in front!” said the guy sitting behind him at the Buffalo Wild Wings.

4. A Florida golf club owned by President Trump appealed a federal judge’s ruling that it pay $5.77 million to former members for refusing to refund their deposits when they wanted to resign. So, at least we know for sure Trump is familiar with the word ‘resign.’

5. On Thursday, First Lady Melania Trump visited a New York City hospital and read Dr. Seuss books to sick children. Presumably because some Make-A-Wish kid has an amazing sense of humor.

6. This week, a woman in Las Vegas created a wedding dress made entirely of empty Taco Bell wrappers. And, if she’s the reason those wrappers are empty, I’m guessing her fiancé is currently running for the border.

7. An Ohio man is being charged after several women accused him of taking off their shoes and sucking on their toes in a mall. Proving, if you put on a referee’s shirt and walk into a Lady’s Footlocker, you can pretty much do whatever you want.

8. According to a new study, straight women have fewer orgasms than straight men. When reached for comment, straight men were already fast asleep.

9. McDonald’s announced that later this year it will allow customers in the United States to order and pay via their cell phones. And I have a sneaking suspicious that your iPhone will be the only Apple involved in that transaction.

10. On Wednesday, a US-bound plane was unable to take off from Heathrow Airport after a mouse was spotted on board. Which I believe is the prequel to ‘Snakes on a Plane.’

11. According to a senior administration official, President Trump believes the “greatest immediate threat” to the U.S. is North Korea and its nuclear program. And I have to admit, having a spoiled brat, who inherited everything from his father, never truly worked a day in his life and is intent on building up his country’s nuclear program, does sound terrifying.

12. On Monday, two giant pandas at a Tokyo Zoo mated for 52-seconds after a four-year hiatus. That story again, two pandas at a Tokyo Zoo are married.

13. A Florida man was caught trying to smuggle 54 antidepressant pills into a Jacksonville prison in his rectum. Word of advice, now that you’re in prison, that’s not the best place to hid things.

14. A man in Florida claims his pet dog accidentally shot his sleeping girlfriend after leaping on his gun. And, in unrelated news, Oscar Pistorius has adopted a dog.

15. After visiting the White House, Ohio Governor John Kasich, who was a vocal opponent of Donald Trump’s while campaigning, compared his situation to being on an airplane and rooting for the pilot to succeed. But make no bones about it, Kasich was also making a mental inventory of all the things around him that could be used as a flotation device.

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