January 20, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. Today, the Obama family will officially leave the White House and move into their new 8-bedroom, 8-bathroom home in a Washington D.C. Or, as Donald Trump refers to it, their new 16-bathroom home.

2. According to sources, President-elect Donald Trump is still using his personal cell phone and will answer calls from unknown numbers. Especially if they are calling collect from Russia.

3. The National Football League’s Oakland Raiders filed paperwork with the league on Thursday to move to Las Vegas. Which is weird, because you don’t usually move to Las Vegas so much as just end up there.

4. According to a new survey, 32% of all U.S. adults watch pirated content. The number is much lower of course if Johnny Depp is in it:

5. A man in Virginia is giving his wife one of his kidneys on their 20th wedding anniversary. Said his wife, “Maybe just flowers next year.”

6. Restaurant chain Chuck E. Cheese is reportedly planning an IPO. And, if you want in, you should jump on the initial public offering, because if I know anything about Chuck E. Cheese it’s that no one goes back for seconds.

7. This week actress Betty White’s turned 95. She celebrated with a quiet night at home with her three best friends:

8. According to a new study, fussy babies may cry less after receiving acupuncture. Because it only takes three days of nonstop crying before sticking a baby with a bunch of needles sounds like a good idea.

9. A retrospective titled “Puppy Bowl: Where Are They Now?” airs tonight on Animal Planet. Unfortunately the most common answers were “a farm upstate” and “in a vietnamese guy’s belly.”

10. California is facing a large deficit for 2017 after miscalculating the costs of its state run healthcare program by over $1.9 billon last year. Said the state’s main accountant, “Oh … carry the one.”

11. On Wednesday, authorities say a Florida woman claimed dogs could fly before tossing a small dog off a 30-foot tall bridge. And, I for one, blame “Airbud”:

12. A betting website is giving 4-to-1 odds that Donald Trump will be impeached within six months of his presidency. Begging the question does starting a nuclear war that brings on the complete destruction of mankind count as “being impeached”?

13. On Monday, Jim Fouts, the mayor of Warren, Michigan said a newly released tape supposedly of him making racist and sexist comments is fake. Adding, “And, if it’s not fake, Billy Bush goaded me into saying those things.”

14. According to “The New York Times,” Russian President Vladimir Putin instructed his defense minister that if he wanted to understand America he should watch “House of Cards.” Although, after Trump’s election, maybe they should check out “The Dukes of Hazard,” too.

15. A 29-year-old woman from Minnesota has a rare disorder of the immune system, that makes her allergic to almost everything, including her husband’s scent. But, just to make sure, she also has a headache tonight.

16. On Monday, Nike presented President Obama with his own personalized Air Jordan sneakers. “That’s news to me,” said Donald Trump learning at that very moment that President Obama and Michael Jordan were two different people.

17. A new study determined that employers should let workers take breaks to masturbate because it relieves tension and make employees happier. Well all employees except for the janitor.

18. In a recent interview, Kendall Jenner said if it were possible she would want the late Audrey Hepburn to play her in a movie. And I’m confident if cancer hadn’t killed Hepburn, that probably would have done it.
19. It has been announced that Toby Keith and 3 Doors Down will headline Donald Trump’s inauguration. Because, apparently, the ‘Again’ in ‘Make American Great Again,’ was 1998.

20. Stores are pulling jars of Nutella from their shelves after a report was published linking the chocolate spread to cancer. You can read more about it in this month’s medical journal of “Thanks for Nothing, Scientists.”

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