July 5, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. Since taking office, President Trump has yet to visit the Democratic stronghold of California. But, in his defense, that’s where Tiffany lives.

2. Last week, ‘Sesame Street’ aired a segment on immigrants right before President Trump’s travel ban went into effect. In response, Trump threatened to use ‘The National Enquirer’ to out Bert and Ernie.

3. According to a new study, women find men with scruff attractive as short-term partners, but gravitate to men with full beards for long-term relationships. It’s like I always say, you fuck Michael J. Fox, but you marry Teen Wolf:

4. Police in Detroit are looking for a bald man who allegedly stole seven boxes of Rogaine from a local Walgreens. The week before a man with a full head of hair stole nine boxes, but no one said anything because he looked so confident and sure of himself.

5. According to a new study, longterm breastfeeding can lead to cavities. Although I think cavities are the least of your concerns if you’re still breastfeeding even though your kid has teeth.

6. An Oklahoma man is facing a felony charge after allegedly phoning in a bomb threat to a police department from a pay phone in the station’s lobby. Said the man upon arrest, “I get one phone call, right?”

7. The Pittsburgh house where fictional serial killer Buffalo Bill lived in the movie “Silence of the Lambs” is up for sale. The listing is scaring many people away because even if you manage to crawl out of the hole in the basement, you’re still in Pittsburgh.

8. Last week, a die-hard soccer fan from Mexico, told his wife that he was stepping out to buy cigarettes, then boarded a plane to Germany and drove to Russia to watch his national soccer team play in the Confederations Cup. Ironically, ever since his wife found out that he skipped out on her to watch a soccer game, he’s be forced to use his hand.

9. Authorities in Queens are trying to stop sections of Rockaway Beach from eroding and literally getting washed away. Although, I’m of the opinion, the less there is of Queens, the better.

10. Licensed prostitutes in Nevada, working in legal brothels, are organizing against the Republican-led American Health Care Act they say will devastate them. Which makes sense, because if Republican lawmakers are busy writing the bill, they won’t have time to hire them.

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