March 16, 2020 – Monologue Jokes

1. Doctors who transplanted a complete penis onto a wounded soldier reported Wednesday that the man has regained near-normal erections and the ability to achieve orgasm more than one year after the surgery was completed. Said the soldier, “Please, just say normal erections.” 

2. A man was sentenced to thirty days in jail for posting a video of himself removing an ice cream container from a Texas market, licking the contents, and returning it to the freezer. “So I hear you like licking things,” said his cellmate.

3. Footwear company Crocs has announced a new collaboration with candy-maker Peeps to release brightly-colored clogs featuring chicks and bunnies for Easter. Hey, just because Jesus died for our sins doesn’t mean you should just walk around sinning.

4. This week, PGA Commissioner Jay Monahan said that Disneyland closing tis doors s prompted PGA Tour to do the same. And it’s not the first time golf has followed trends set by Disney:

5. Last week, Senator Ted Cruz announced that he will self-quarantine himself after interacting with an individual who tested positive for the novel coronavirus at the recent Conservative Political Action Conference. “Oh, man, I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy,” said people after hearing that someone interacted with Ted Cruz.

6. Earlier this month, singer Justin Bieber turned 26. Which is apparently that weird age where you look like both the victim and the pedophile:

7. It was announced last week that Hachette Book Group was considering publishing director Woody Allen’s memoir. Here’s a first look at the cover:

8. Last weekend, presidential candidate Bernie Sanders held a rally featuring the rap group Public Enemy and actor Dick van Dyke. The crowd was a little taken aback by all the swearing and then Pubic Enemy took the stage.

9. Last week, Harvey Weinstein’s lawyers said that he’ll die behind bars if sentenced to more than five years. Said the judge, “You promise?”

10. A New Mexico woman faces charges after police say she stole a car and later tried to claim she was Beyonce. Authorities became suspicious when they noticed that ‘Beyonce’ was driving a Kia Sorento.

11. The Cleveland Browns are increasing their efforts to help stop the spread of coronavirus by announcing a work-from-home policy. Which seems pointless, the Browns never show up on game day anyway.

12. Oscar-winning actor Tom Hanks announced on Twitter that he’s tested positive for the coronavirus. Good lord, not beloved character actor Tom Hanks, someone send the National Guard to Betty White’s house.

13. The Trump campaign has reportedly canceled a Women for Trump bus tour due to concerns over the coronavirus. Or, more likely, they realized that it probably wasn’t a great idea to remind women of Trump’ behavior on buses:

14. According to reports, President Trump’s campaign strategy is to paint his potential opponent, former Vice President Joe Biden, as senile. Said Joe, “I love painting!”

15. According to reports, President Trump’s campaign strategy is to paint his potential opponent, former Vice President Joe Biden, as senile. And, if history is any guide, you can do that by just giving him an opened umbrella:

16. According to research, a new type of therapy using feces and fake rubber hands may be able to help patients with obsessive compulsive disorder overcome their fears of touching contaminated surfaces. Which doesn’t seem like something we should be trying to cure right now.

17. Last week, students at Penn State held a candle-light vigil for a campus Taco Bell that’s closing. Marking the first time anyone has ever lit a candle before eating Taco Bell:

18. A new dating app has launched in the UK for men with penises that are smaller than the global average. It’s just like Tinder except you’re disappointed before you even meet the guy.

19. In response to price-gauging, New York state said they will be producing their own hand sanitizer. Word of caution, if you run into this man on the Q train, he does not work for the state and that’s not hand sanitizer he’s producing:

20. Donald Trump Jr. wants to debate Hunter Biden on who’s benefited more from their dads. It will be there first debate where legally every answer has to start with “Actually.”

November 25, 2019 – Monologue Jokes

1. According to a recent article, Mayor Pete Buttigieg only packed four shirts for his bus tour around Iowa. And when he says he only packed four shirts, he means it:

2. President Trump reportedly screened ‘The Joker’ last weekend at the White House for family and friends. “Wow, that was scary,” said Trump after seeing the Joker take on that many steps:

3. A 39-year-old Texas man living with his mom allegedly killed his mom’s dog because he couldn’t have sex in her house. Said the man, “If I can’t fuck that dog, no one can.”

4. Actress Emma Watson recently said she prefers to call herself “self-partnered” rather than single. Although has she considered that maybe she’s single because she insists on referring to herself as self-partnered?

5. Actress Emma Watson recently said she prefers to call herself “self-partnered” rather than single. I once got kicked out of an Applebees in Sheboygan for self-partnering myself.

6. In a statement released last week, White House press secretary Stephanie Grisham claimed that the recently released testimony shows there is “even less evidence for the impeachment inquiry.” Then she added, “Oh wait, I was holding it upside-down…oh, dear lord!”

7. Last week singer Justin Bieber released an all-natural, vegan deodorant called “Here & Now.” Because apparently after sucking in the medium of sound for so long, Bieber is now wants to destroy our sense of smell as well.

8. Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos is reportedly interested in purchasing a professional football team. “Professional? Well, that rules us out,” said the Dolphins.

9. Apple announced this week that it is aiming to launch its augmented-reality headset in 2022. “Sooner!” said people looking around at reality in 2019.

10. President Trump was not boo’d when he was shown on the Jumbotron during a University of Alabama football game last weekend. But that’s only because it’s early in the semester and the Bama students haven’t gotten to the letter ‘B’ yet:

11. According to President Trump, one of the first things world leaders do when meeting him is congratulate him on the U.S. economy. As opposed to the first thing President Trump does, which is ask them to investigate Hunter Biden.

12. According to a new poll, 56% of people use the internet to diagnosis themselves. Said Eric Trump, “Turns out I have a pretty severe case of ‘error 404 not found.’”

13. The start of the second half of Saturday’s Harvard-Yale football game was delayed by nearly an hour after a number of spectators came out of the stands and rushed the field to protest climate change. Officials became suspicious when they noticed there were spectators in the stands. 

14. On Sunday, actor Tom Hanks found out that he’s related to Mister Rogers. That story again, Mister Rogers fucked.

15. Billionaire former New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg put his name on Democratic primary ballots in Texas on Wednesday. They say everything is bigger in Texas, which is great news for Bloomberg: 

16. Coldplay will not tour to promote their new album due concerns over the pollution caused by tour buses and private jets. So maybe global warming isn’t so bad.

17. A drunk man allegedly groped a woman on a flight while his young son was sitting next to him. But, on the plus side, at least Trump is hanging out with Barron now.

18. According to a new report, scientists have found a place in Ethiopia where life cannot exist due to its extreme environment. That story again, Africa has its own Detroit.

19. According to a new study, teens have a higher likelihood of using marijuana if their parents use the drug. When asked if he wanted his kids to smoke marijuana, singer Willie Nelson said, “I have kids?”

20. According to a recent story, a Hollywood movie studio executive once suggested that Julia Roberts play the role of Harriet Tubman. But in the exec’s defense, I assume Helen Mirren was busy.

January 20, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. Today, the Obama family will officially leave the White House and move into their new 8-bedroom, 8-bathroom home in a Washington D.C. Or, as Donald Trump refers to it, their new 16-bathroom home.

2. According to sources, President-elect Donald Trump is still using his personal cell phone and will answer calls from unknown numbers. Especially if they are calling collect from Russia.

3. The National Football League’s Oakland Raiders filed paperwork with the league on Thursday to move to Las Vegas. Which is weird, because you don’t usually move to Las Vegas so much as just end up there.

4. According to a new survey, 32% of all U.S. adults watch pirated content. The number is much lower of course if Johnny Depp is in it:
depp

5. A man in Virginia is giving his wife one of his kidneys on their 20th wedding anniversary. Said his wife, “Maybe just flowers next year.”

6. Restaurant chain Chuck E. Cheese is reportedly planning an IPO. And, if you want in, you should jump on the initial public offering, because if I know anything about Chuck E. Cheese it’s that no one goes back for seconds.

7. This week actress Betty White’s turned 95. She celebrated with a quiet night at home with her three best friends:
golden-girls

8. According to a new study, fussy babies may cry less after receiving acupuncture. Because it only takes three days of nonstop crying before sticking a baby with a bunch of needles sounds like a good idea.

9. A retrospective titled “Puppy Bowl: Where Are They Now?” airs tonight on Animal Planet. Unfortunately the most common answers were “a farm upstate” and “in a vietnamese guy’s belly.”

10. California is facing a large deficit for 2017 after miscalculating the costs of its state run healthcare program by over $1.9 billon last year. Said the state’s main accountant, “Oh … carry the one.”

11. On Wednesday, authorities say a Florida woman claimed dogs could fly before tossing a small dog off a 30-foot tall bridge. And, I for one, blame “Airbud”:
airbud

12. A betting website is giving 4-to-1 odds that Donald Trump will be impeached within six months of his presidency. Begging the question does starting a nuclear war that brings on the complete destruction of mankind count as “being impeached”?

13. On Monday, Jim Fouts, the mayor of Warren, Michigan said a newly released tape supposedly of him making racist and sexist comments is fake. Adding, “And, if it’s not fake, Billy Bush goaded me into saying those things.”

14. According to “The New York Times,” Russian President Vladimir Putin instructed his defense minister that if he wanted to understand America he should watch “House of Cards.” Although, after Trump’s election, maybe they should check out “The Dukes of Hazard,” too.

15. A 29-year-old woman from Minnesota has a rare disorder of the immune system, that makes her allergic to almost everything, including her husband’s scent. But, just to make sure, she also has a headache tonight.

16. On Monday, Nike presented President Obama with his own personalized Air Jordan sneakers. “That’s news to me,” said Donald Trump learning at that very moment that President Obama and Michael Jordan were two different people.

17. A new study determined that employers should let workers take breaks to masturbate because it relieves tension and make employees happier. Well all employees except for the janitor.

18. In a recent interview, Kendall Jenner said if it were possible she would want the late Audrey Hepburn to play her in a movie. And I’m confident if cancer hadn’t killed Hepburn, that probably would have done it.
 
19. It has been announced that Toby Keith and 3 Doors Down will headline Donald Trump’s inauguration. Because, apparently, the ‘Again’ in ‘Make American Great Again,’ was 1998.

20. Stores are pulling jars of Nutella from their shelves after a report was published linking the chocolate spread to cancer. You can read more about it in this month’s medical journal of “Thanks for Nothing, Scientists.”

January 17, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. On Monday the World Champion Chicago Cubs visited the White House, on Tuesday actress Betty White turns 95 and on Friday Donald Trump will be sworn in as the 45th president of the United States. So this week if you use the phrase, “I never thought I’d live to see the day,” you’re gonna have to be more specific.

2. Taco Bell has added an item to its menu that uses fried chicken instead of a taco shell called the Naked Chicken Chalupa. You can wander into any Taco Bell, go to the counter and either order it by name or just say “I give up.”
 
3. Last week, scientists in Japan observed a male snow monkey attempting to have sex with a female sika deer in a rare example of interspecies mating. But, in the monkey’s defense, it was really late, he had had a few and the bartender just announced ‘last call.’

4. ‘The People’s Choice Awards’ will air this Wednesday on CBS. And, considering the way things went the last time the people were allowed to decide, let me be the first to congratulate Best Picture of the Year winner “Dirty Grandpa.”

5. Yesterday, actor Rob Schneider was slammed on Twitter after attempting to explain the historical significance of Martin Luther King Jr. to civil rights activist John Lewis on Martin Luther King Day. The appropriate response would be to boycott all things Rob Schneider, but I’m pretty sure everyone’s already been doing that for the past twenty years anyway.
 
6. The German government said on Monday that Chancellor Angela Merkel is working to set a date this spring for a meeting with Donald Trump. Said Trump, “I could probably squeeze you in between my 1:00 with Right Said Fred and my 1:30 with that kid from Jerry Maguire.”

7. According to a new study, when you scramble a person’s name it means you love or at the very least have some affection for them. Which explains why Donald Trump has never once gotten Eric or Don Jr’s names wrong.

8. A 29-year-old woman from Minnesota has a rare disorder of the immune system, that makes her allergic to almost everything, including her husband’s scent. Doctors call her “a one in a million case” while Melania calls her “lucky.”

9. Yesterday, the B-Street Band, a Bruce Springsteen cover band scheduled to play at Donald Trump’s inauguration, backed out. I usually wouldn’t believe it when a bunch of middle-aged guys in a cover band canceled plans by saying they have some place better to be, but, in this case, I do.
 
10. A company called OpenBiome is offering $13,000 to anyone who agrees to ship their poop to them. And I, like a sucker, have been anonymously sending my shit to Ted Cruz in the mail for free for years.

June 24, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. On Thursday, CNN hired recently-fired Donald Trump campaign manager Corey Lewandowski. And, to really fuck with Trump, CNN also hired Marla and Ivana.

2. Music stars Jennifer Lopez, Katy Perry, Lin-Manuel Miranda, Paul McCartney, Sting, Barbra Streisand, Britney Spears, Selena Gomez, Lady Gaga and Yoko Ono are teaming up to pressure Congress to pass stricter gun laws. Or, in Yoko Ono’s case, at least a gun with a wider shooting radius.

3. McDonald’s is set to take over Oprah’s old production studio in Chicago. Apparently there were so many old McDonald’s wrappers lying around that it was cheaper to make it into a restaurant than clean it up.

4. A DVD that was supposed to be a graduation video given to all 6th graders at an Israeli elementary school turned out to be a porno instead. So, no need for a bar-mitzah, you’re a man today.

5. Police in Utah have a new K-9 officer trained to sniff out devices that could contain child pornography. Here’s a look at how the dog was trained:
dog attack

6. In a recent interview, actor Will Smith said he regrets wanting to be the world’s biggest movie star. While DJ Jazzy Jeff regrets paying extra for guac at Chipotle.

7. A new study finds that married couples who divide up the housework evenly have better sex lives. “Does it make a difference if I call them chores and give her an allowance?” said Woody Allen.

8. A man in Australia man has promised to eat the worst Subway sandwich that commentators on the internet can think up. Which, I’m pretty sure, is Quizno’s business model.

9. A magician in the U.K. was taken to the hospital after losing a massive amount of blood during an onstage performance in which he tried to pull a playing card out of his nose. And if nose-bleeds count as magic then Charlie Sheen is fucking Houdini.

10. A woman in the U.K., trying to sell her sofa online, accidentally included a nude picture of herself in the posting. Begging the question, what if Kim Kardashian has just been trying to sell us an ottoman this whole time?

11. A jaguar featured at an Olympic torch ceremony in Brazil on Monday was shot dead after it escaped from its handlers. But, on the plus side, the guy carrying the torch ran so fast that he qualified for the 100 meter dash.

12. On Tuesday, Queen Elizabeth sent a tweet for only the second time since she joined Twitter in 2014. Even stranger, the tweet was bad-mouthing the new all-female “Ghostbusters.”

13. Firefighters in Alabama had to be called to rescue a 15-year-old girl after she got her head stuck in a Barney the dinosaur costume. And even though this story involves a dinosaur it makes me believe in evolution a little less.

14. On Tuesday, ‘The Wall Street Journal’ reported that the upcoming Apple iPhone 7 will be almost identical to the iPhone 6. “I need it!” said iPhone 6 users.

15. According to a new report, tracing one’s family history is the second most common hobby in the U.S. behind gardening. Although, if you’re a descendant of Thomas Jefferson and Sally Hemings, those are one in the same.

16. McDonald’s announced that it is reintroducing its $9 lobster roll for the summer. So, if you like lobster and you have $9 you probably shouldn’t order lobster.

17. McDonald’s announced that it is reintroducing its $9 lobster roll for the summer. Not to be outdone, Burger King will just give you food poisoning.

18. In a recent interview, actor Charlie Sheen claimed that Donald Trump gave him fake diamond and platinum cuff links. But, in Trump’s defense, he didn’t think Sheen would be around long enough to figure it out.

19. A “Golden Girls” themed restaurant is set to open in New York City. And here’s a picture from the grand opening:
diner

20. Alabama county officials refused to lower flags to half-staff to honor the victims of the Orlando mass shooting even after orders from President Obama and Alabama Governor Robert Bentley. Which falls in line with Alabama’s state motto, “On the wrong side of history since 1876.”
 
21. According to reports, famed Hollywood director Steven Spielberg is in talks to remake “West Side Story.” This time, my money’s on the Sharks:
jaws

22. A high school senior in Montana is staging a protest after her school demanded that she wear a bra. Said her fellow-male-protestors, “You know what I think will convince the school, jumping jacks, lots and lots of jumping jacks.”

23. Over the weekend, police in New Jersey arrested a woman after she allegedly stole 95 cents from a mall water fountain. And, just to be extra dicks about it, they set her bail at 96 cents.

24. Seven major companies are pulling out of sponsoring the Republican National Convention where Donald Trump will officially get the GOP presidential nomination. So don’t be surprised if this year’s RNC is brought to you by Chico’s Bail Bonds.

25. During a speech at a campaign rally over the weekend, Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump said he feels like a supermodel. Which, I assume means, he starting to creep himself out.

August 4, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. Soccer star Cristiano Ronaldo, who served as the best man at his friend’s wedding, bought the couple a Greek island as a wedding present. Said one of the groomsmen, “You’re gonna need to toaster on that island.”

2. A new study has found that children who are picky eaters may develop psychological problems, like anxiety and ADHD, later in life. Or maybe you’re just a shitty cook.

3. UFC champion Ronda Rousey will star in a movie based on her autobiography. “A movie about beating up girls, I hope it’s in 3D,” said Chris Brown.

4. Tomorrow, a one-legged chicken in Massachusetts will be fitted with a $2,500 prosthetic limb made by a 3D printer. “Hold On! Slow down. Where are these chicken printers?” said Chris Christie.

5. Actor Will Smith took to social media on Monday to shoot down reports that he and his wife Jada Pinkett Smith are getting a divorce. Said Smith, “If our marriage can survivor ‘After Earth,’ it can survive anything.”

6. On Monday, a government official in India said the country has blocked access to hundreds of adult websites to prevent pornography from becoming a social nuisance. That story again, India no longer has the internet.

7. HitchBOT, a hitch-hiking robot that had already successfully hitched across Europe, was unable to complete his trip across the U.S. when, just two weeks into the journey, he was vandalized and left for ‘dead’ in Philadelphia. Said the city of brotherly love, “We have a reputation to keep up.”

8. Officials at an Italian airport seized $205,933 from rapper Snoop Dogg because he failed to declare the sum of money. Said Snoop, “The plan worked perfectly, they didn’t even notice the five pounds of weed in my other duffel bag.”

9. According to a new study, senior citizens who value and engage in sexual activity have better social lives and psychological well-beings. Which may explain why that slut Betty White is still so sharp.

10. A pre-Civil War baseball card fetched $179,250 at auction on Friday. Said the winner’s the mom, “Oh, this looks like garbage.”

Monologue Jokes – May 17, 2013

1. The popular video game “Angry Birds” will become an animated 3D film set to be released in 2016. So if you ever thought, I love this game, I wish it were a movie, you’re an idiot.

2. According to a new study, people who’ve sustained multiple brain injuries throughout their life were more likely to report suicidal thoughts. More bad news for all past, current and future girlfriends of Chris Brown.

3. According to a new study, people who’ve sustained multiple brain injuries throughout their life were more likely to report suicidal thoughts. Which begs the question, how is Gary Busey still alive?

4. A painting of actress Bea Arthur in the nude sold at auction for $1.9 million. The perfect decor for your vomitorium.

5. A painting of actress Bea Arthur in the nude sold at auction for $1.9 million. The painting fetched such a high sum because, after completing the work, the artist immediately went blind.

6. A painting of actress Bea Arthur in the nude sold at auction for $1.9 million. “Why settle for imitation, when you can have the real thing?” said Betty White.

7. Boston Marathon bombing suspect Dzhokhar Tsarnaev allegedly wrote a message on the inside of the boat where he was found hiding. Looks like someone’s gonna get charged with a count of felony graffiti.

8. The U.S. House of Representatives voted to repeal Obamacare for the 37th time as a symbolic move. Which is ironic, because nothing is more symbolic of the House of Representatives than wasting time by partaking in a hollow, meaningless symbolic vote.

9. Soccer superstar David Beckham is set to retire after the current season. So finally we can go back to ignoring soccer. Wait, what? We were doing that the whole time? Oh, nevermind.

10. New research confirms, being under stress at work is tied to a higher risk of heart problems and something as simple as putting down the beer and going for a walk may help. Although, if you’re a multitasker, bring the beer.

Monologue Jokes – April 11, 2013

1. An Iranian business man claims to have invented a “time machine” that allows users to fast forward up to eight years into the future. Yeah, it’s called a plane ticket out of Iran.

2. An Iranian business man claims to have invented a “time machine” that allows users to fast forward up to eight years into the future. Nice try Mahmoud, but we’re still not giving you any plutonium.

3. According to a market research firm, 91-year-old actress Betty White has been named America’s most appealing celebrity, a title that will undoubtedly be up for grabs next year.

4. On Tuesday night, actress Lindsay Lohan teared up during her appearance on “the Late Show” with David Letterman. But that will happen when you try to steal a couch and get Maced.

5. Finland apologized to Russian President Vladmir Putin on Wednesday after his name appeared on a blacklist of people with connections to criminal activity. In an unrelated story, yesterday Finland’s kneecaps were broken.

6. Former Vice President Dick Chaney addressed Congress yesterday on the issue of North Korea, saying, “We’re in deep doo doo.” To which current Vice President Joe Biden said, “Hehe, doo doo.”

7. Former Vice President Dick Chaney addressed Congress yesterday on the issue of North Korea, saying, “We’re in deep doo doo.” Adding, “And I should know, I just saw Kim Jung Un at last month’s World’s Most Evil People meeting.”

8. Former Vice President Dick Chaney addressed Congress yesterday on the issue of North Korea, saying, “We’re in deep doo doo.” To which All Roker said, “I’ve been there.”

9. MTV has canceled the reality series “Buckwild” following the accidental death of one of its lead cast members. If that’s all it takes, can someone please off one of those teen moms?

10. MTV has canceled the reality series “Buckwild” following the accidental death of one of its lead cast members. Should have been you Heidi Montag, should have been you.