November 17, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. On Saturday, President Trump said, despite what is widely reported, he doesn’t watch much TV because he’s too busy “reading documents.” And, to Trump’s credit, he’s almost found Waldo:

2. Last week, O.J. Simpson was thrown out of a hotel bar in Las Vegas for being too drunk and throwing a pair of glasses. “Ah, fuck,” said the waiter picked to return O.J.’s glasses to him.

3. According to reports, Mike Pence has formed a Vice President’s club with Joe Biden and Dick Cheney, who Pence routinely calls for advice. The first rule of Vice President’s club, don’t tell Al Gore about Vice President’s club.

4. On Wednesday, while speaking about embattled Alabama Senate candidate Roy Moore, who has been accused of pursuing sexual relationships with teenagers, Ivanka Trump said, “There’s a special place in hell for people who prey on children.” Yeah, that place is called Alabama.

5. According to a new study, sex rarely causes heart attacks. But, it can cause PTSD:

6. On Monday, Amazon announced a ‘Lord of the Rings’ TV show. Which producers promise will address the problems diehard fans had with the movies, specifically, the Eye of Sauron will remain a metaohor, Fatty Bolger will play a bigger role and they won’t have to leave their parent’s basement to see it.

7. On Monday, White House Chief of Staff John Kelly said he “does not follow” President Trump’s tweets. Hey, John, none of us can follow Trump’s tweets:

8. Scientists have discovered that chimpanzees can change how they communicated based on what their audience knows. Said one exhausted chimp, “Okay, let’s start over again. There are three branches in the federal government”:

9. Paralympic athlete and U.S. military veteran Rob Jones, who lost both his legs while serving in Afghanistan, is running 31 marathons in 31 days. Meanwhile, I stood up from my sofa too fast and got winded.

10. Attorney General Jeff Sessions said on Tuesday he “has no reason to doubt” the five women who have accused Senate candidate Roy Moore of sexual misconduct. Which can only mean one thing, none of those five women are black.

11. The Republican National Committee is withdrawing support for Alabama Republican Senate candidate Roy Moore after allegations surfaced that he had sexual contact with teenage girls decades ago. Said the RNC, “Hey, we were as surprised as you were to find out that we have standards.”

12. Sprint announced this week that they will offer their unlimited data plan customers free subscriptions to the streaming service Hulu. Not to be outdone, Blackberry will offer their customers their cousin Bill’s roommate’s Netflix password.

13. While in town to play the Knicks, LeBron James and the Cleveland Cavaliers were seen taking the New York City subway. That story again, the Cavs were subjected to the absolute worst experience that New York City has to offer, and then they took the subway.

14. This week, a dangerous psychiatric patient, who was accused of murder, escaped from a Hawaii hospital, cleared airport security and flew all the way to California before being caught. No word on whether he felt the urge to murder his fellow man before or after taking a six hour Southwest flight.

15. The Alabama Republican Party said on Thursday it supported embattled Senate candidate Roy Moore despite allegations of sexual misconduct. Their exact words were, “He’s still a white man, right?”

16. Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones has been informed by other NFL owners via letter that he is engaging in “conduct detrimental to the league’s best interests.” A letter that they have also sent every week for the past nine years to the owner of the Browns.

17. According to reports, President Trump told a group of Democratic senators Tuesday that he’d be a “big loser” if the Republican tex bill was signed into law. And, also, if it wasn’t.

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