May 14, 2020 – Monologue Jokes

1. Queen guitarist Brian May was hospitalized last week after tearing hit buttock muscles while gardening. Said May, “Please tell people I have coronavirus.” 

2. The European Space Agency said this week that human urine could one day be used to make concrete to build structures on the Moon. So, from now, please refer to him as astronaut R Kelly:

3. Actor Hafthor Bjornsson, who played The Mountain in ‘Game of Thrones,’ set a deadlift world record by lifting 1,104 pounds. Breaking the old record of 1,054 pounds held by Dame Judi Dench: 

4. According to a new survey, almost 70% of married couples say they learned something new about their partner during quarantine. Said Donald to Melania, “We have a kid?!?!?!”

5. Florida Governor Ron DeSantis referred to his state as ‘God’s waiting room’ during a coronavirus press briefing last week. “Not so fast” said Georgia: 

6. Last week, Jada Pinkett Smith said even though she’s been married to Will Smith for 23 years, being quarantined with him made her realize she doesn’t know him at all. Said Pinkett Smith, “Did you know he doesn’t even have an uncle named Phil?”

7. Approximately 300,000 coronavirus masks sent to pregnant women in Japan as part of a government handout have been found to be faulty. Said the pregnant women, “Faulty protection is how we got into this mess to begin with.” 

8. German doctors are posing naked to protest protective equipment shortages. And I think I speak for everyone when I say, don’t get any ideas Dr. Phil:

9.  Last week, Carnival Cruise Line bookings shot up by 600% when they announced that they would return to the high seas on August 1 after months of coronavirus lockdown.  It’s gonna be weird in fifty years, when people want to compare something to a complete disaster and, instead of saying the Titanic, they reference the Goofy II.

10. Last week, an asparagus reader predicted that President Trump will be re-elected and impeached again. Laugh if you will, but she’s always been 100% accurate when she predicted that my pee was gonna smell.

11. After his personal valet tested positive for coronavirus, President Trump said he will undergo the COVID-19 testing every day. Said the man who administered the test by inserting a long swab into Trump’s nose, “I’ve never felt less resistance.” 

12. Last week, the creator of the dystopian tv series ‘Black Mirror’ said the world is too bleak right now for a sixth season of his show. And yet somehow ‘Fuller House’ is allowed to go on as planned.

13. Last Sunday, President Trump answered questions during a virtual town hall on FoxNews staged in front of the Lincoln Memorial. Trump’s answers were so nonsensical that halfway through the interview Lincoln stood up and walked out.

14. In California, a trio of suspected thieves was arrested trying to steal thirty-one rolls of toilet paper, thirty-two towels, and four sets of bed sheets. And no one was more angry about the arrests than the thieves’ wives who sent them out to pick up a few things:

15. During a segment on ‘Good Morning America’, the CEO of the Dolphins revealed mock ups of new entrances to their stadium that will help people adhere to social distancing guidelines. Here’s what those mock ups look like:

16. Last Thursday night, between 7pm and 7:30pm, JetBlue conducted a flyover of Manhattan, Queens, and the Bronx to salute healthcare reporters. Not to be confused with the flyover that occurred between 7:30pm and 10pm, which was JetBlue circling LaGuardia waiting to land.

17. According to a recent survey, women in New York find the Cuomo brothers more attractive than the Jonas brothers. “Alright, but what if we get rid of Kevin,” said the other two Jonas brothers:

18. According to Variety, actor Nicolas Cage will play Joe Exotic in an upcoming TV series about the eclectic zookeeper. Said Cage showing up on the first day of shooting with a mullet, dressed in a cowboy hat and a leopard print sleeveless shirt, “Okay, so what’s this Joe Exotic guy look like?”

19. French researchers are preparing to launch a human trial to test their hypothesis that nicotine can help the body combat coronavirus. That story again, Keith Richards is going to live forever.

20. Last weekend, Secretariat won a virtually Kentucky Derby race. Unfortunately the horse that finished in last place, Seattle Slew, was made into virtual glue.

December 9, 2019 – Monologue Jokes

1. A Florida woman who thought she was buying a baby bouncer from a local Goodwill as a baby shower present was surprised to find a loaded rifle in the box instead. But, since it was Florida, it was actually the fourth gun brought as a gift to that baby shower. 

2. Props from the sitcom “Friends” will be auctioned off next month for charity. The worthy charity that will receive those funds, people who worked on “Joey.”

3. In response to a growing trend, a gynecologist in the U.K. is warning women not to masturbate using electric toothbrushes. “But that’s the only way I’ll get any oral,” said DJ Khalid’s wife: 

4. A North Carolina woman is being accused of conspiring with her boyfriend to stage a robbery at the convenience store where she worked to get money for an engagement ring. “Yes, I’d like to report a crime,” said her commitment-phobic boyfriend calling in a tip to the cops. 

5. Delta Air Lines recently showed an edited version of the film “Booksmart” which cut out the movie’s lesbian sex scene.  Even worse, they showed the full, unedited version of “Aquaman.”

6. Joycelyn Savage, one of jailed rapper R. Kelly’s girlfriends, is now talking. Even more impressive, she took her first steps last week too!

7. A new study found semen on 30% of hotel room remote controls. While they found the other 70% literally everywhere else:

8. During a televised meeting at the White House last week, President Trump decried EPA water restrictions, saying, “People are flushing toilets ten times, fifteen times as opposed to once.” And, from the look of his diet, I think this is the rare occasion where he’s not lying: 

9. Last week, a New York judge denied Harvey Weinstein’s request to dismiss two predatory sexual assault charges. Now comes the really hard part for Weinstein, taking ‘no’ for an answer.

10. During Thursday’s halftime performance of the Thanksgiving matchup between the Chicago Bears and Detroit Lions, the power temporarily went out at Ford Field. Fans were disappointed by the interruption, but even more disappointed when the lights came back on and they were forced to watch the second half of the Lions game.

11. The Pussycat Dolls announced last week that they will embark on a reunion tour kicking off in Dublin next year. And I think I speak for everyone when I say, don’t get an ideas, Spice Girls.

12. According to a new study, an episode of the long-running television show Grey’s Anatomy increased public awareness about sexual assault and how to get help. Not to be outdone, ‘Mr. Belvedre’ raised awareness of the serious threat of sitting on your own balls.

13. North Korea recently announced that Kim Jong Un took a second horseback ride to a sacred mountain in less than a month. Man, that’s crazy, what’s it like to have a leader who takes part in some sort of physical activity?:

14. Former model Karen McDougal, who said she had an affair with President Trump, filed a defamation lawsuit Thursday against Fox News. Begging the question, can you really damage the reputation of someone who already publicly admittedly that she had sex with Donald Trump?

15. Last week, the New York Knicks fired head coach David Fizdale after the team’s record fell to 4-18. Or, more accurately, Fizdale served his time and an early release.

March 11, 2019 – Monologue Jokes

1. On Friday, while meeting with supporters at a local church in Alabama, President Trump signed multiple copies of the Bible. It is the most regrettable thing Trump has put his name on since Don Jr. 

2. An Oregon man, who was stranded in his snowbound SUV with his dog, told rescuers he survived for five days solely on Taco Bell sauce packets. Thus reaffirming what we already knew, Taco Bell fire sauce goes great with dog meat.

3. A doughnut shop in Florida is selling a $1000 doughnut that is topped with 24-karat gold and Cristal champagne. So, if you live in Florida and have a grand to spare, enjoy the extra thousand dollars worth of meth. 

4. Sunday night, filmmaker Spike Lee won his first ever Oscar. In response, Lee lowered his demands to 30 acres and a mule.

5. Last weekend, after accepting the Best Actor Oscar for his role in “Bohemian Rhapsody” the Freddie Mercury bio-pic, actor Rami Malek accidentally fell off the stage. Or, he’s already starting prepping for his next role, ‘Frasier’ the Kelsey Grammar biopic:

6. On Tuesday, several members of the Portland Trailblazers were stuck for over thirty minutes in an malfunctioning elevator. Even worse, one time Rob Gronkowski was stuck for three days on a broken escalator:

7. North Carolina authorities have jailed a wife for allegedly impersonating her daughter in court. “Wait, they were two different people?” asked a confused Woody Allen.

8. On Thursday, Israel’s attorney general announced corruption charges against Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu just 40 days before his re-election. Experts called the timing of the charges worrisome, while James Comey called it perfect.

9. On Friday, Alabama Republican Roy Moore, whose unsuccessful 2017 Senate campaign was marred by allegations he sexually pursued teenage girls while in his 30s, said he may again run for the Senate. It’s like Moore always says, if at first you don’t succeed, find a different fifteen year old girl.

10. Michael Cohen, the former personal lawyer of President Donald Trump, on Thursday sued the Trump Organization, saying it reneged on its obligation to reimburse him for millions of dollars of legal fees. “Wait, you’re getting paid for this!?!?!” asked Rudy Giuliani.

11. A Florida woman who once owned the day spa where Patriots owner Robert Kraft allegedly solicited sexual acts, watched the Super Bowl with President Donald Trump. Begging the question, how did that criminal get that level of security clearance, also what was that spa owner doing there? 

12. A new report about the close relationship between Fox News and President Donald Trump says the President personally asked a top White House aide to make sure the Justice Department stopped AT&T from purchasing Time Warner. “If you want to prevent them from merging, I suggest making them sleep in different rooms,” said Melania.

13. According to a new study, when parents of boys don’t spend a lot of time playing or talking with them, their sons may be more likely to use guns in adolescence. You don’t say:

14. On Wednesday, singer R Kelly was taken into custody for failure to pay child support. Said the child in question, “You know what, I’m good.”

15. In a legal brief filed Wednesday with the Supreme Court, rappers Killer Mike, Chance the Rapper, Meek Mill, Yo Gotti, Fat Joe, and 21 Savage claimed Jamal Knox’s rap song “F*** the Police” is a “political statement” and “not a true threat of violence.” They also added that Sir Mix-a-lot has, at best, mixed emotion about larger posteriors.

16. According to a new survey, Americans are consuming more gourmet coffee than ever. Message received:

August 9, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. Kylie Jenner recently admitted that she doesn’t know who she is since becoming famous saying, “I think I lost a lot of parts of myself.” “You think you lost parts of yourself,” said Caitlyn Jenner.

2. While President Trump is vacationing in New Jersey, the White House is undergoing a $3.4 million renovation. That story again, replacing soggy mattresses is more expensive than you thought.

3. A man who survived two days stranded in the Arizona desert, made it through by drinking beer and his own urine. When asked why he didn’t drink the six-pack of Mountain Dew he had, the man replied, “I wasn’t that desperate.”

4. The Mars Curiosity Rover celebrated five years in space this week by humming “Happy Birthday” to itself. The story again, the Mars Curiosity Rover is apparently a divorced dad who lost custody.

5. Ten years after her orthodontic braces were removed, a piece of dental wire was found stuck inside an Australian woman’s small intestine. But, on the plus-side, her small intestine has never looked so straight.

6. Nevada’s so-called ‘Clown Motel,’ which contains 600 clown figurines, mannequins and paintings, is up for sale. It’s perfect for anyone who doesn’t want to sleep another night in their life.

7. A man was busted at a Metallica concert in Arizona after allegedly urinating on family of three. Said the owner of the venue, “We don’t tolerate that kind of behavior unless, of course, R Kelly is playing.”

8. Over the weekend, a man and a woman were caught having sex at the Wisconsin State Fair. Even worse, there was a ‘You Must Be This Tall to Ride This Ride’ sign set up in front of her.

9. The town of Hamburg, New York has launched a campaign to rejuvenate an old water tower by painting it to resemble a hamburger. That story again, living in Hamburg, New York is exactly as excited as you think it is.

10. Last week, a 13-year-old boy in Connecticut woke up to find a skunk in his bed. That story again, Pepe Le Pew’s still at it:

October 12, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. Yesterday, Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump tweeted “It is so nice that the shackles have been taken off me and I can now fight for America the way I want to.” Which is weird, because with those tiny little hands of his, you’d think he would have been able to slip out of those shackles a lot sooner.

2. Yesterday, Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump tweeted “It is so nice that the shackles have been taken off me and I can now fight for America the way I want to.” So attention all women, take extra precaution to protect all grab-able body parts, because he now has a full range of motion.

3. Yesterday, Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump tweeted “It is so nice that the shackles have been taken off me and I can now fight for America the way I want to.” “You might want to hang onto those shackles,” said the people investigating Trump University.

4. Comcast is being forced to pay the largest fine the FCC has ever levied against a cable operator for charging customers for services and equipment they didn’t ask for. Or, as Wells Fargo refers to it, good business.

5. A new study warns that astronauts traveling to Mars could suffer brain damage. Which explains why, after “the Martian,” Matt Damon thought it was a good idea, as a white man, to star in a Chinese epic called “the Great Wall.”

6. On Monday, actor Leonardo DiCaprio revealed that he has signed up to be an astronaut on SpaceX’s highly anticipated trip to Mars. Said DiCaprio, “I’ve already fucked every supermodel on Earth.”

7. On Monday, 1,201 married couples gathered at Western Michigan University to renew their vows, breaking a world record. The last time there were that many married couples in one place Donald Trump, Rudy Giuliani, Newt Gingrich and all their ex-wives got together for a very uncomfortable dinner.

8. There’s a new trend where people dab small amounts of their own urine onto their faces in bid to give themselves clearer, healthier-looking skin. “That’s insane! Why would you want a small amount of your own urine on your face?” said R Kelly.

9. Yesterday, President Obama vowed that America will be the first country to land on Mars. And then Vice President Biden made a joke about Uranus.

10. FoxNews’ Geraldo Rivera said this week he has additional audio tapes of Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump saying embarrassing things. For instance, in one tape, Trump refers to Rivera as “a close friend.”