May 14, 2020 – Monologue Jokes

1. Queen guitarist Brian May was hospitalized last week after tearing hit buttock muscles while gardening. Said May, “Please tell people I have coronavirus.” 

2. The European Space Agency said this week that human urine could one day be used to make concrete to build structures on the Moon. So, from now, please refer to him as astronaut R Kelly:

3. Actor Hafthor Bjornsson, who played The Mountain in ‘Game of Thrones,’ set a deadlift world record by lifting 1,104 pounds. Breaking the old record of 1,054 pounds held by Dame Judi Dench: 

4. According to a new survey, almost 70% of married couples say they learned something new about their partner during quarantine. Said Donald to Melania, “We have a kid?!?!?!”

5. Florida Governor Ron DeSantis referred to his state as ‘God’s waiting room’ during a coronavirus press briefing last week. “Not so fast” said Georgia: 

6. Last week, Jada Pinkett Smith said even though she’s been married to Will Smith for 23 years, being quarantined with him made her realize she doesn’t know him at all. Said Pinkett Smith, “Did you know he doesn’t even have an uncle named Phil?”

7. Approximately 300,000 coronavirus masks sent to pregnant women in Japan as part of a government handout have been found to be faulty. Said the pregnant women, “Faulty protection is how we got into this mess to begin with.” 

8. German doctors are posing naked to protest protective equipment shortages. And I think I speak for everyone when I say, don’t get any ideas Dr. Phil:

9.  Last week, Carnival Cruise Line bookings shot up by 600% when they announced that they would return to the high seas on August 1 after months of coronavirus lockdown.  It’s gonna be weird in fifty years, when people want to compare something to a complete disaster and, instead of saying the Titanic, they reference the Goofy II.

10. Last week, an asparagus reader predicted that President Trump will be re-elected and impeached again. Laugh if you will, but she’s always been 100% accurate when she predicted that my pee was gonna smell.

11. After his personal valet tested positive for coronavirus, President Trump said he will undergo the COVID-19 testing every day. Said the man who administered the test by inserting a long swab into Trump’s nose, “I’ve never felt less resistance.” 

12. Last week, the creator of the dystopian tv series ‘Black Mirror’ said the world is too bleak right now for a sixth season of his show. And yet somehow ‘Fuller House’ is allowed to go on as planned.

13. Last Sunday, President Trump answered questions during a virtual town hall on FoxNews staged in front of the Lincoln Memorial. Trump’s answers were so nonsensical that halfway through the interview Lincoln stood up and walked out.

14. In California, a trio of suspected thieves was arrested trying to steal thirty-one rolls of toilet paper, thirty-two towels, and four sets of bed sheets. And no one was more angry about the arrests than the thieves’ wives who sent them out to pick up a few things:

15. During a segment on ‘Good Morning America’, the CEO of the Dolphins revealed mock ups of new entrances to their stadium that will help people adhere to social distancing guidelines. Here’s what those mock ups look like:

16. Last Thursday night, between 7pm and 7:30pm, JetBlue conducted a flyover of Manhattan, Queens, and the Bronx to salute healthcare reporters. Not to be confused with the flyover that occurred between 7:30pm and 10pm, which was JetBlue circling LaGuardia waiting to land.

17. According to a recent survey, women in New York find the Cuomo brothers more attractive than the Jonas brothers. “Alright, but what if we get rid of Kevin,” said the other two Jonas brothers:

18. According to Variety, actor Nicolas Cage will play Joe Exotic in an upcoming TV series about the eclectic zookeeper. Said Cage showing up on the first day of shooting with a mullet, dressed in a cowboy hat and a leopard print sleeveless shirt, “Okay, so what’s this Joe Exotic guy look like?”

19. French researchers are preparing to launch a human trial to test their hypothesis that nicotine can help the body combat coronavirus. That story again, Keith Richards is going to live forever.

20. Last weekend, Secretariat won a virtually Kentucky Derby race. Unfortunately the horse that finished in last place, Seattle Slew, was made into virtual glue.

November 4, 2019 – Monologues Jokes

1. The makers of the board game Clue have announced that the game’s next edition will be the first to feature a bathroom as a possible crime scene. As in, “Professor Plum, in the bathroom, one hour after eating Chipotle.” 

2. On Wednesday, President Trump and First Lady Melania Trump hosted trick-or-treaters at the White House and gave out full-sized Hershey bars. Or, at least, they looked full-size in Trump’s hands: 

3. According to a new study, construction workers are more likely to use cocaine than other profession. But I assume that’s because no one considers being a DJ a profession. 

4. Thursday night, President Trump said he is changing his primary residence from New York to Florida. He also added, “Please don’t tell Eric.”

5. Washington Redskins Pro Bowl tackle Trent Williams says he no longer trusts the organization after team doctors failed to detect a cancerous growth on his scalp. Wow, that’s terrible, I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy, having to play for the Redskins. 

6. Tiger Woods matched Sam Snead’s record of 82 PGA Tour victories when he won a golf tournament in Japan last week. The last time Tiger finished first in Asia, Asia had just gotten off her shift at the Waffle House. 

7. In a recent interview, singer Marie Osmond, of Donnie & Marie fame, admitted that when she was younger she thought she was gay. The biggest warning sign, she liked Donnie & Marie. 

8. Singer Lady Gaga recently tweeted “Fame is Prison.” “I’ll let you know if that’s an accurate comparison in a couple of weeks,” said Aunt Becky. 

9. Republican Senator Mitt Romney recently admitted to running a secret Twitter account under the alias ‘Pierre Delecto.’ And you gotta give it to him, it’s not easy to come up with a name stupider than Mitt Romney.

10. Democratic presidential candidate Bernie Sanders recently held a campaign rally in Queens that attracted more than 26,000 supporters. “We didn’t even realize 26,000 people lived in Queens,” said the Mets.

11. According to a new study, men who eat a heart-healthy diet may have better quality sperm than their peers who dine mostly on junk food. Yeah, no shit:

12. Last week, President Trump downplayed the possibility of throwing out the first pitch of a World Series game by saying, “They gotta dress me up in a lot of heavy armor. I’ll look too heavy. I don’t like that.” Begging the question, is he always wearing body armor?

13. According to a new report, doctors should always ask for a child’s consent before treating them. “But that just applies to doctors, right?” asked Jerry Sandusky.

14. The whistleblower whose complaint led to the impeachment inquiry against President Trump has offered to answer written questions from Republicans on the House Intelligence Committee. Questions like “How did you stand up to Trump?” and “What’s it like to have a backbone?”

15. In a recent interview, Kanye West said God rewarded him with a $68 million tax refund because he became a born-again Christian. “Yes, it’s definitely Jesus’s doing,” said his undoubtedly Jewish accountant.

16. In his new book, Donald Trump Jr. said his father, President Trump, can’t be racist because, as a kid, he was allowed to play video games with Michael Jackson. Or maybe, just maybe, your father hates spending time with you more than he hates black people.

17. This week, Charmin set up a new toilet paper-dispensing kiosk in an outdoor Manhattan park. Hey, Charmin, I beg of you, stop making it easier for New Yorkers to shit in public.

18. Last week Donald Trump Jr. participated in a ribbon-cutting ceremony for a new plaza in Arizona which was named in his honor. Said the people of Arizona, “President Trump has never been more relatable now that we too have disappointingly named something Donald Trump Jr.”

July 28, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. Hillary Clinton’s new memoir on the 2016 presidential race will be released in September. Or, if you just can’t wait until then, you can read it on Wikileaks in August.

2. President Trump lashed out on Twitter on Thursday against the ‘Fake News’ for not reporting that Russian spies had information on his campaign too. Um, I’m pretty sure they did report on that:

3. A Minnesota choir teacher is being charged with having a sexual relationship with a student and sending partially naked photos of herself to him. School officials became suspicious when the boy when from an alto to a baritone in a week.

4. On Thursday, the Trump administration warned of potential repercussions for Alaska after its Senator Lisa Murkowski voted against the Republican backed healthcare bill. Said Alaska, “There’s nothing you can do to us that will hurt worse than what we’ve already done to ourselves”:

5. According to reports, Russian intelligence agents created dozens of phony Facebook accounts in an effort to spy on Emmanuel Macron during the French presidential election. That story again, the Russian intelligence agency is composed entirely of jilted ex-girlfriends.

6. Singer Justin Bieber hit a paparazzo with his truck in Beverly Hills Wednesday night. Oh no, is the truck alright?

7. On Wednesday, White House communications director Anthony Scaramucci compared President Trump’s bid to repeal Obamacare to President Lincoln abolishing slavery. And, in Scaramucci’s defense, both involve trying to sweep the work of black men under the rug.

8. An upcoming episode of PBS’s ‘Finding Your Roots’ uncovers that comedian Larry David is related to politician Bernie Sanders. The exhaustive research to make that discovery involved looking at them.

9. Late Tuesday night, White House communications director Anthony Scaramucci accused chief of staff Reince Priebus of leaking Scaramucci’s public financial disclosure forms to the press. Said Scaramucci, “I know it was you Reince, you broke my heart”:

10. Police pulled over a man in upstate New York who was driving a car with no windshield, no doors and an axe stuck in the roof. Begging the question, it is too early to start putting ‘Kid Rock for Senate 2020’ bumperstickers on cars?

11. Actress Olivia Wilde felt so bad that Jennifer Lawrence vomited from the graphic imagery presented in her theater-version of ‘1984’ that she sent the Oscar winner soup. If that’s the case, then Mickey Rourke’s face owes me a ton of soup.

12. A 44-year-old man in China was recently hospitalized with severe kidney problems after eating fifty-four scoops of ice cream in one sitting. That story again, two down and just fifty-two to go:

13. According to reports, for the first time ever American scientists have successfully edited the DNA of a human embryo. Well, for the first time ever on purpose:

14. According to reports, ‘High Times’ magazine is considering going public with an IPO. Those interested will be able to buy either a quarter, an eighth or a half-eighth of the company.

15. Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos has overtaken Bill Gates to become the richest person in the world, worth over $90 billion. “We’ll see about that,’ said Gates setting up a bunch of phony email addresses to get free trials of Amazon Prime.

16. This week, Patriot head coach Bill Belichick said there are “no limits” on tight-end Rob Gronkowski. Of course, other than anything that involves books.

17. According to Politico, President Trump and Attorney General Jeff Sessions are not longer on speaking terms. “But that implies they once were and, follow-up question, what was that like?” asked Eric Trump.

18. South Korean President Moon Jae-in on Wednesday welcomed a rescue dog to his official Blue House residence. It’s the first time a dog has come to the residence since the previous night when they ordered delivery food.

19. A swimming pool in Australia has put up signs targeted at migrants telling them not to grope women or enter the female changing room. “But that just applies to migrants, right?” said Trump backstage at a beauty pageant.

20. A rugby player in Australia, who forgot he had a three-week-old child after suffering a vicious tackle, is suing the opposing team for $1.4 million. And, in related news, President Trump is willing to pay $1.4 million for someone to recreate that hit on him:

21. Officials at a zoo in Tokyo are eliciting suggestions online for names for a newly born panda cub. Or, they could just cut out the middleman, and name it Panda McPandaface.

22. Authorities in Alabama arrested a man after he brought his daughter to a drug deal. Said the man, “I learned two valuable lessons today. Don’t bring a child to a drug deal. And my daughter has a street value of three and a half pounds of cocaine.”

23. A mom was arrested at a Queens casino for leaving her 10-year-old daughter inside their parked car for an hour and a half while she gambled. Although, in her defense, the last time she brought a kid into the casino, she lost her son on the river.

24. Ivanka Trump shared some photos of her daughter’s recent sixth birthday party, including an image of marshmallows on hot dogs. Alright, now she really is a fucking monster.

25. A six-week online program, taught in Russian, teaches students how to steal credit card data and hack PayPal accounts. Said recent graduate Donald Trump Jr., “Actually the course is mostly about adoptions.”

July 5, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. Since taking office, President Trump has yet to visit the Democratic stronghold of California. But, in his defense, that’s where Tiffany lives.

2. Last week, ‘Sesame Street’ aired a segment on immigrants right before President Trump’s travel ban went into effect. In response, Trump threatened to use ‘The National Enquirer’ to out Bert and Ernie.

3. According to a new study, women find men with scruff attractive as short-term partners, but gravitate to men with full beards for long-term relationships. It’s like I always say, you fuck Michael J. Fox, but you marry Teen Wolf:

4. Police in Detroit are looking for a bald man who allegedly stole seven boxes of Rogaine from a local Walgreens. The week before a man with a full head of hair stole nine boxes, but no one said anything because he looked so confident and sure of himself.

5. According to a new study, longterm breastfeeding can lead to cavities. Although I think cavities are the least of your concerns if you’re still breastfeeding even though your kid has teeth.

6. An Oklahoma man is facing a felony charge after allegedly phoning in a bomb threat to a police department from a pay phone in the station’s lobby. Said the man upon arrest, “I get one phone call, right?”

7. The Pittsburgh house where fictional serial killer Buffalo Bill lived in the movie “Silence of the Lambs” is up for sale. The listing is scaring many people away because even if you manage to crawl out of the hole in the basement, you’re still in Pittsburgh.

8. Last week, a die-hard soccer fan from Mexico, told his wife that he was stepping out to buy cigarettes, then boarded a plane to Germany and drove to Russia to watch his national soccer team play in the Confederations Cup. Ironically, ever since his wife found out that he skipped out on her to watch a soccer game, he’s be forced to use his hand.

9. Authorities in Queens are trying to stop sections of Rockaway Beach from eroding and literally getting washed away. Although, I’m of the opinion, the less there is of Queens, the better.

10. Licensed prostitutes in Nevada, working in legal brothels, are organizing against the Republican-led American Health Care Act they say will devastate them. Which makes sense, because if Republican lawmakers are busy writing the bill, they won’t have time to hire them.

June 16, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. Pablo Picasso’s granddaughter, Diana Widmaier-Picasso, is starting her own jewelry line. All earnings will come one to a set.

2. You will soon be able to rent President Trump’s childhood home in Queens for $4,000 a month. Or, if you’re willing to spend a lot more, you can rent Barron’s childhood home, just make the check out to Vlad:

3. On Thursday, the Justice Department issued a complaint alleging that stolen money was used to finance and produce the movie ‘Dumb and Dumber To.’ “I know that feeling of having your money stolen,” said people who saw “‘Dumb and Dumber To.’

4. An off-the-record speech by Australian Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull in which he mocked President Trump was broadcast on TV. Australia should be careful because Trump angers easily and Austria should be careful because he’s not that bright.

5. The White House has eliminated nearly 60 requirements for agencies to submit paperwork in a bid to make the federal government operate more efficiently. Because if there’s one thing President Trump believes in, it’s not submitting paperwork:

6. On Thursday, Russian President Vladimir Putin offered former-FBI Director James Comey asylum if an investigation is launched against him. “I’ll give you a list of great restaurants in Moscow,” said Michael Flynn.

7. A San Francisco woman found a bullet in a recently purchased avocado. Along with either a death threat or a recipe:

8. According to reports, the 2017 NBA Champion Golden State Warriors unanimously voted to skip the traditional celebratory trip to the White House. Although, just because you lose a vote to go to the White House doesn’t mean you won’t end up there anyway:

9. Rolf Buchholz, the world’s more pierced man reveled that he has 278 piercings in his penis. So, when he says he’s ‘polishing his knob,’ it may not be a euphemism.

10. KFC announced plans to send a chicken sandwich to the edge of space with a high-altitude balloon. “And so the chase begins,” said Chris Christie:

11. According to a new study, Taco Bell is one of the country’s healthiest fast food restaurants. “I was just ahead of my time,” said the doctor who’s been prescribing Chalupas for years:

12. On Sunday, Puerto Ricans voted overwhelmingly in favor of becoming America’s 51st state. Said Trump, “Sorry, Russia already called dibs on it.”

13. Former Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney told reporters on Friday that former Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton encouraged him to take a job in the Trump White House. Specifically, the job of president.

14. The White House said on Friday that President Trump will visit Poland ahead of next month’s G20 summit in Germany. Said Poland, “Trump’s visit will be the most unwanted visit from any foreign leader in our country’s history”:

15. A hospital in Mississippi allowed a 12-year-old girl to help doctors deliver her newborn baby brother. Which, considering it’s Mississippi, was a nice glimpse into the 12-year-old’s not-too-distant future.

16. A Michigan man apparently upset because his food included onions, is now in jail after he allegedly threatened to kill the restaurant owner before exposing himself. Or, maybe, he was just providing the restauranteur a visual example of how to ‘hold the onions.’

17. U.S. Customs and Border Protection officers seized 150 pounds of meth Sunday, found hidden inside boxes of popcorn. Which makes sense, because you can’t get a popcorn kernel stuck in your teeth when you don’t have any teeth.

18. In a new interview, actress Lena Dunham revealed that her dad taught her how to use a tampon when she was fourteen. Or, as Woody Allen refers to it, date night.

19. The inventor of the Hawaiian pizza died over the weekend at the age of 83. He is survived by one slice of sausage, three slices of plain and a full, untouched veggie pizza.

20. A Brooklyn man allegedly prowled a Manhattan bar for drunk college students and then took them back to his apartment, where he forced them to smoke crack before robbing them. “God, I miss college,” said Charlie Sheen.

May 5, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. Today, Vice President Mike Pence will host a Cinco de Mayo celebration at the White House. The only way picking Pence for that job makes sense is if they thought ‘Mayo’ was short for mayonnaise.

2. According to reports, the first call President Trump made after the House repealed Obamacare yesterday was to Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell to tell him the “ball’s in your court now.” And, from the look of him, in his neck as well:

3. According to sources, while meeting with religious leaders at the White House yesterday, President Trump held up a copy of ‘the New York Times’ and bragged about all the good coverage his daughter Ivanka was getting. He also bragged about his son Eric by holding up his most recent finger-painting.

4. According to sources, while meeting with religious leaders at the White House yesterday, President Trump held up copy of ‘the New York Times’ and bragged about all the good coverage his daughter Ivanka was getting. “Jesus Christ,” said everyone in the room.

5. Yesterday, President Trump returned to New York City for the first time since taking office. A lot has changed since the last time he was there including the color of the leaves on the trees and the locks on the door to the apartment he shares with Melania.

6. Florida authorities have charged a woman with prostitution after she agreed to perform a sex act on an undercover detective for $25 and Chicken McNuggets. Or, as Charlie Sheen calls it, a dinner date.

7. It was announced this week that Joe Scarborough and Mika Brzezinski, co-hosts of MSNBC’s ‘Morning Joe,’ are engaged. So, you’re move Matt Lauer and Al Roker.

8. An Egyptian woman, believed to be the world’s heaviest woman, left an Indian hospital on Thursday more than 600 pounds lighter. Although, technically, she didn’t leave the building, they found it easier to leave her in one place and move the hospital.

9. Twitter has reached an agreement to stream live WNBA games next season. Thus providing sports fans a new way to completely ignore women’s basketball.

10. According to ‘the Washington Post,’ President Trump has mentioned the election results on 68 of the 176 days since the election. Presumably because the other 108 days he was too busy golfing.

11. A Queens man is memorializing his lifelong friend, a plumber, by flushing his cremated remains into the pipes of baseball stadiums across the country. Here’s a picture of the guy:

12. A Queens man is memorializing his lifelong friend, a plumber, by flushing his cremated remains down the toilets of baseball stadiums across the country. Or, more likely, a dead plumber thought he had a better friend.

13. On Tuesday, Venezuelan President Nicolas Maduro called for a rewrite of the country’s Constitution which he said would quell protests. “A president can do that?” asked Trump.

14. A woman in Florida was arrested for assaulting a man who refused to stop playing a xylophone. “Fuck,” said the officer who had to write up that police report.

15. On Monday, Secretary of Commerce, Wilbur Ross, referred to President Trump ordering the Syrian missile strike while eating at Mar-a-Lago as “after dinner entertainment.” Which is why I wanted Chris Christie to be president, because there’s never any after dinner entertainment when you can’t figure out when one meal ends and the next begins.

16. According to a White House official, Ivanka Trump will review some executive orders before her father signs them. And, in future news, President Trump has declared war on Nordstroms.

17. White House budget director Mick Mulvaney accused Democrats on Tuesday of trying to make President Trump look bad and added that a government shutdown fight be inevitable if they do not act better. Adding, “I swear to God I’ll turn this car around!”

18. Over the weekend, New Jersey Governor Chris Christie was spotted at a highway rest-stop waiting in line at a Cinnabon. So, my apologies to the people behind Christie in line who never even had a chance at getting a cinnamon bun.

19. Researchers have discovered the some female dragonflies pretend to be dead to avoid male dragonflies. “Trust me, I’ve tried,” said Melania.

20. In a recent interview, President Trump said he is both “a nationalist and a globalist.” I guess I never really looked at those hats close enough:

21. According to reports, President Trump reversed his position on NAFTA after his Secretaries of Commerce and Agriculture showed him a map of the U.S. and pointed out the areas that would be affected. Said Trump, “There’s a north Dakota, too!?!”

22. An Alabama woman claims she choked on a condom in her French toast at a local IHOP. Even worse, the condom was sticky, and she hadn’t even poured the syrup on yet.

23. Molly, a Jack Russell terrier, has undergone gender reassignment in a rare operation after vets discovered she was a hermaphrodite. As a result, Molly has no idea which fire hydrant to use in North Carolina.

24. The EPA removed most climate change information from its website Friday, saying in a press release that language on the website is being updated to “reflect the approach of new leadership.” Begging the question, can a website just be a fart noise.

25. Last week, a New York man in need of brake lines crashed his car into an auto parts store. As a result, there are only two Pep Boys now.

May 4, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. Authorities say a drunk driving suspect, who was chased by police from Maryland to Pennsylvania, identified herself as Hillary Clinton. But authorities knew it wasn’t the real Hillary because she actually entered the state of Pennsylvania.

2. Yesterday, former Fox News host Bill O’Reilly lashed out at the “morons on cable news” for mocking President Trump’s Civil War claims. Although, they can’t be that moronic since they figured out how to stay on cable news.

3. Actor Johnny Depp’s former manager says his former client suffers from “compulsive spending disorder.” And, to prove the actor is reckless with money, the manager produced a receipt showing that Depp bought a ticket to see ‘Mordecai.’

4. On Wednesday, a woman was found guilty and could be sentenced to a year in jail for laughing during Attorney General Jeff Sessions’ confirmation hearing. But, to be fair, if she didn’t want to go to jail, she should have done something more acceptable in that room, like perjure herself.

5. In a new interview, actor Brad Pitt opened up about his recent divorce, admitting that he drank heavily. And if you thought Pitt had a lot of kids before, imagine seeing double.

6. An Egyptian artist has spent the last three years creating what he hopes is the world’s largest Koran. Not to be outdone, President Trump has created the world’s largest Bible, or, at least, it looks that way in his tiny, little hands.

7. Tuesday night, Melania Trump’s official Twitter account liked a tweet joking about how much she hates her husband. That’s hard to believe that, particularly the part where her hatred of Donald could be properly expressed in 140 characters.

8. A Queens man is memorializing his lifelong friend, a plumber, by flushing his cremated remains into the pipes of baseball stadiums across the country. You don’t want to know what he’s doing with the ashes of his friend who was a proctologist.

9. Aaron Hernandez’s silver 2006 Toyota 4Runner, which prosecutors said was the “murder car” used in a drive-by double killing, is now up for sale on eBay. Here’s a look at the ad:

10. A Florida deputy is under investigation after it was discovered he referred to a female deputy as “Captain Boobs.” “Hey, that’s not how you talk to a lady cop, they prefer to be called ‘Sugartits,’” said Mel Gibson.

April 3, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. According to the ‘New York Post,’ Huma Abedin is open to and working on saving her marriage to Anthony Weiner. In fact, the couple was spotted out together last week:

2. The White House announced last week that President Trump turned down an offer to throw out the first pitch at the Washington Nationals’ home opener. Which makes sense, because as Putin tells it, he’s more of a catcher.

3. Jon Gosselin from “Jon and Kate Plus 8” is now stripping in New Jersey. And the crazy thing is he’s still not the former-reality TV star least qualified for his current job:

4. Two black female employees of Fox News have accused a white executive of racial harassment in a recently filed lawsuit. Said the exec, “In my defense, I thought they were the same woman.”

5. A 45-pound sculpture of Beyonce made 100% out of cheese debuted last week in New York City. To put that in perspective, that is just 10% more cheese than the real Adele is usually comprised of.

6. Last week, Toronto set the record for largest crowd dressed as Albert Einstein. The previous record was held by Bernie Sanders in a hall of mirrors.

7. A couple is suing Georgia after the state prevented them from naming their newborn daughter “Allah.” “Oh now you care?” said the kid’s older brother a picture of the prophet Mohamed.

8. The anonymous bidders who bought President Trump’s childhood home in Queens last week for $2.1 million are rumored to be from China. Although, the most valuable Trump property is still owned by Russia:

9. A Kansas man was recently banned for donating 32 gallons of blood to the American Red Cross over the past 64 years. “Oh, so when he produces that much blood, he’s a hero,” said O.J.

10. Last week, a paralyzed man in Cleveland fed himself mashed potatoes for the first time in years with the aid of a computer chip implanted in his brain that sent messages to the muscles in his arm. Although, to be fair, it took a few times to get it right considering he started out with a baked potato.

February 17, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. On Tuesday, President Obama said he continues “to believe that [Donald] Trump will not be president.” Said Trump, “Yeah, I plan on changing the title to Czar.”

2. Republican presidential candidate John Kasich has hired a former deputy White House press secretary for President George W. Bush as his top communications adviser. Because, as everyone knows, W was known as “the Great Communicatorer.”

3. Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz pledged on Tuesday to boost the size of the U.S. armed forces and invest in new airplanes and ships. Because, if Cruz’s personal history is any guide, if he’s elected president, we’re gonna make a lot of enemies.

4. During Saturday’s Republican presidential debate, Marco Rubio and Ted Cruz argued over which one of them could speak Spanish. While Donald Trump added two new names to his deportation list.

5. Last week Jeb Bush celebrated his 63rd birthday. Jeb closed his eyes, made a wish, blew out the candles and was disappointed, that when he opened his eyes, he was still running for president.

6. During a recent campaign stop, Donald Trump signed a toddler’s hand. And if you think having Donald on just your hand is bad, imagine what Melania has to go through.

7. A throat infection forced the 11th-hour cancellation of a Grammy show performance by pop star Rihanna. Which can only mean one thing, Chris Brown’s aim is getting worse.

8. New York City has plans to build its first streetcar line in more than 50 years, and it will run along the Brooklyn and Queens waterfront. Hipsters from Brooklyn will undoubtedly love the old-time feel, while people from Queens will love the opportunity to rob hipsters from Brooklyn.

9. New York City has plans to build its first streetcar line in more than 50 years. A New York City streetcar will finally answer the age-old subway question, what would it be like to ride in something that reeks of urine above ground.

10. Monday night’s Grammy awards drew its smallest TV audience in seven years. The award show drew such little interest that it could only book Mumford and Son.

August 10, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. Presidential candidate Donald Trump has come under fire for slamming Republican debate moderator Megyn Kelly by saying “there was blood coming out of her eyes, blood coming out of her whatever.” But, in Trump’s defense, he thinks women are always on their period because that’s what Melania tells him to get out of having sex with him.

2. In response to criticism that he’s anti-women, presidential candidate Donald Trump said he “cherish[es] women.” Said former Republican presidential nominee, Mitt Romney, “Have you considered putting them in binders?”

3. Last week, former President George W. Bush showed up to a Houston courthouse for jury duty. Whereupon he proceeded to giggle every time someone said “duty.”

4. Scientists have announced that they will attempt to cut down on greenhouse gas emissions by limited flatulence in cows. Said the scientists, “We’re not pulling their hooves anymore.”

5. According to Nielson, the Republican primary debate that aired on FoxNews last week drew 24 million viewers. Or, as Donald Trump calls it, 3 billion.

6. Three men, including two brothers, have been charged with breaking into a New York City home, changing the locks and demanding that the rightful owners turn over the deed. The last time brothers stole a home from its owner their last name was Lehman.

7. On Friday, the United States said it has secured commitments from a dozen countries to accept nearly half of the 52 Guantanamo prisoners cleared for transfer. “Now what were you saying about governments sending their criminals across the border?” said Mexico.

8. The late Formula One great Juan Manuel Fangio’s body was exhumed on Friday to try to resolve paternity cases brought by two men claiming to be the champion driver’s son. “Which is why I’ve decided to be cremated,” said Kevin Federline.

9. Republican presidential candidate Carly Fiorina said she does not believe the government should force private companies to provide paid maternity leave. The Republican party, we will fight to the death for the right for every baby to be born, after that we don’t care what happens to them.

10. The “Fantastic Four” movie bombed over the weekend at the box office. Critics panned the film which starred the Invisible Woman, while Donald Trump called it the best movie he’s seen in years.