May 4, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. Authorities say a drunk driving suspect, who was chased by police from Maryland to Pennsylvania, identified herself as Hillary Clinton. But authorities knew it wasn’t the real Hillary because she actually entered the state of Pennsylvania.

2. Yesterday, former Fox News host Bill O’Reilly lashed out at the “morons on cable news” for mocking President Trump’s Civil War claims. Although, they can’t be that moronic since they figured out how to stay on cable news.

3. Actor Johnny Depp’s former manager says his former client suffers from “compulsive spending disorder.” And, to prove the actor is reckless with money, the manager produced a receipt showing that Depp bought a ticket to see ‘Mordecai.’

4. On Wednesday, a woman was found guilty and could be sentenced to a year in jail for laughing during Attorney General Jeff Sessions’ confirmation hearing. But, to be fair, if she didn’t want to go to jail, she should have done something more acceptable in that room, like perjure herself.

5. In a new interview, actor Brad Pitt opened up about his recent divorce, admitting that he drank heavily. And if you thought Pitt had a lot of kids before, imagine seeing double.

6. An Egyptian artist has spent the last three years creating what he hopes is the world’s largest Koran. Not to be outdone, President Trump has created the world’s largest Bible, or, at least, it looks that way in his tiny, little hands.

7. Tuesday night, Melania Trump’s official Twitter account liked a tweet joking about how much she hates her husband. That’s hard to believe that, particularly the part where her hatred of Donald could be properly expressed in 140 characters.

8. A Queens man is memorializing his lifelong friend, a plumber, by flushing his cremated remains into the pipes of baseball stadiums across the country. You don’t want to know what he’s doing with the ashes of his friend who was a proctologist.

9. Aaron Hernandez’s silver 2006 Toyota 4Runner, which prosecutors said was the “murder car” used in a drive-by double killing, is now up for sale on eBay. Here’s a look at the ad:

10. A Florida deputy is under investigation after it was discovered he referred to a female deputy as “Captain Boobs.” “Hey, that’s not how you talk to a lady cop, they prefer to be called ‘Sugartits,’” said Mel Gibson.

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