August 10, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. Presidential candidate Donald Trump has come under fire for slamming Republican debate moderator Megyn Kelly by saying “there was blood coming out of her eyes, blood coming out of her whatever.” But, in Trump’s defense, he thinks women are always on their period because that’s what Melania tells him to get out of having sex with him.

2. In response to criticism that he’s anti-women, presidential candidate Donald Trump said he “cherish[es] women.” Said former Republican presidential nominee, Mitt Romney, “Have you considered putting them in binders?”

3. Last week, former President George W. Bush showed up to a Houston courthouse for jury duty. Whereupon he proceeded to giggle every time someone said “duty.”

4. Scientists have announced that they will attempt to cut down on greenhouse gas emissions by limited flatulence in cows. Said the scientists, “We’re not pulling their hooves anymore.”

5. According to Nielson, the Republican primary debate that aired on FoxNews last week drew 24 million viewers. Or, as Donald Trump calls it, 3 billion.

6. Three men, including two brothers, have been charged with breaking into a New York City home, changing the locks and demanding that the rightful owners turn over the deed. The last time brothers stole a home from its owner their last name was Lehman.

7. On Friday, the United States said it has secured commitments from a dozen countries to accept nearly half of the 52 Guantanamo prisoners cleared for transfer. “Now what were you saying about governments sending their criminals across the border?” said Mexico.

8. The late Formula One great Juan Manuel Fangio’s body was exhumed on Friday to try to resolve paternity cases brought by two men claiming to be the champion driver’s son. “Which is why I’ve decided to be cremated,” said Kevin Federline.

9. Republican presidential candidate Carly Fiorina said she does not believe the government should force private companies to provide paid maternity leave. The Republican party, we will fight to the death for the right for every baby to be born, after that we don’t care what happens to them.

10. The “Fantastic Four” movie bombed over the weekend at the box office. Critics panned the film which starred the Invisible Woman, while Donald Trump called it the best movie he’s seen in years.

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