May 14, 2020 – Monologue Jokes

1. Queen guitarist Brian May was hospitalized last week after tearing hit buttock muscles while gardening. Said May, “Please tell people I have coronavirus.” 

2. The European Space Agency said this week that human urine could one day be used to make concrete to build structures on the Moon. So, from now, please refer to him as astronaut R Kelly:

3. Actor Hafthor Bjornsson, who played The Mountain in ‘Game of Thrones,’ set a deadlift world record by lifting 1,104 pounds. Breaking the old record of 1,054 pounds held by Dame Judi Dench: 

4. According to a new survey, almost 70% of married couples say they learned something new about their partner during quarantine. Said Donald to Melania, “We have a kid?!?!?!”

5. Florida Governor Ron DeSantis referred to his state as ‘God’s waiting room’ during a coronavirus press briefing last week. “Not so fast” said Georgia: 

6. Last week, Jada Pinkett Smith said even though she’s been married to Will Smith for 23 years, being quarantined with him made her realize she doesn’t know him at all. Said Pinkett Smith, “Did you know he doesn’t even have an uncle named Phil?”

7. Approximately 300,000 coronavirus masks sent to pregnant women in Japan as part of a government handout have been found to be faulty. Said the pregnant women, “Faulty protection is how we got into this mess to begin with.” 

8. German doctors are posing naked to protest protective equipment shortages. And I think I speak for everyone when I say, don’t get any ideas Dr. Phil:

9.  Last week, Carnival Cruise Line bookings shot up by 600% when they announced that they would return to the high seas on August 1 after months of coronavirus lockdown.  It’s gonna be weird in fifty years, when people want to compare something to a complete disaster and, instead of saying the Titanic, they reference the Goofy II.

10. Last week, an asparagus reader predicted that President Trump will be re-elected and impeached again. Laugh if you will, but she’s always been 100% accurate when she predicted that my pee was gonna smell.

11. After his personal valet tested positive for coronavirus, President Trump said he will undergo the COVID-19 testing every day. Said the man who administered the test by inserting a long swab into Trump’s nose, “I’ve never felt less resistance.” 

12. Last week, the creator of the dystopian tv series ‘Black Mirror’ said the world is too bleak right now for a sixth season of his show. And yet somehow ‘Fuller House’ is allowed to go on as planned.

13. Last Sunday, President Trump answered questions during a virtual town hall on FoxNews staged in front of the Lincoln Memorial. Trump’s answers were so nonsensical that halfway through the interview Lincoln stood up and walked out.

14. In California, a trio of suspected thieves was arrested trying to steal thirty-one rolls of toilet paper, thirty-two towels, and four sets of bed sheets. And no one was more angry about the arrests than the thieves’ wives who sent them out to pick up a few things:

15. During a segment on ‘Good Morning America’, the CEO of the Dolphins revealed mock ups of new entrances to their stadium that will help people adhere to social distancing guidelines. Here’s what those mock ups look like:

16. Last Thursday night, between 7pm and 7:30pm, JetBlue conducted a flyover of Manhattan, Queens, and the Bronx to salute healthcare reporters. Not to be confused with the flyover that occurred between 7:30pm and 10pm, which was JetBlue circling LaGuardia waiting to land.

17. According to a recent survey, women in New York find the Cuomo brothers more attractive than the Jonas brothers. “Alright, but what if we get rid of Kevin,” said the other two Jonas brothers:

18. According to Variety, actor Nicolas Cage will play Joe Exotic in an upcoming TV series about the eclectic zookeeper. Said Cage showing up on the first day of shooting with a mullet, dressed in a cowboy hat and a leopard print sleeveless shirt, “Okay, so what’s this Joe Exotic guy look like?”

19. French researchers are preparing to launch a human trial to test their hypothesis that nicotine can help the body combat coronavirus. That story again, Keith Richards is going to live forever.

20. Last weekend, Secretariat won a virtually Kentucky Derby race. Unfortunately the horse that finished in last place, Seattle Slew, was made into virtual glue.

October 30, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. A prominent German ISIS propagandist, who went by the name “Deso Dogg” in the Berlin rap scene, was killed by a U.S. strike in Syria earlier this month. So watch your back, Macklemore.

2. Yesterday it was announced that China will ease family planning restrictions to allow all couples to have two children after decades of a strict one-child policy. But the country’s do-over policy if you have a girl still remains in effect.

3. Fourteen million viewers tuned in for the Republican Party presidential campaign debate on CNBC on Wednesday night, a record for the network. Actually it was fourteen million and one if you count Rand Paul as a viewer.

4. On Thursday, the NBA announced that it will break with tradition and place a sponsored corporate logo on player jerseys during the next two All-Star games. That sponsor, Chico’s Bail Bonds.

5. Pop singer Justin Bieber abruptly canceled his concert in Norway on Thursday night after performing just one song. But, in his defense, you would do the same thing if you were forced to listen to even one Justin Bieber song.

6. Pop singer Justin Bieber abruptly canceled his concert in Norway on Thursday night after performing just one song. Fans called the concert “disappointing,” while music critics called it “still too long.”

7. A group in England attempted to break a world record this past weekend for most people riding a rollercoaster while naked. The group failed to break the record because, once a few of the men disrobed, they couldn’t make it past the “you must be this big to ride” sign.

8. The New York Giants have agreed to terms on a one-year contract with defensive end Jason Pierre-Paul, four months after he mangled his hand in a fireworks accident. Pierre-Paul celebrated by slapping his teammates high-two-and-halves.

9. According to a new study, children with ADHD show signs of improvement after playing a videogame for 30 minutes a day rather than taking a pill. Unfortunately, the game is “Grand Theft Auto” and all they are focused on now is stabbing hookers.

10. This week, Mike Tyson officially endorsed Donald Trump for president. Tyson said he really liked Trump’s foreign policy of “An eye for an eye and an ear for an ear.”

11. This week, Mike Tyson officially endorsed Donald Trump for president. But he got punched in the head for a living, what’s every other Trump supporter’s excuse?

12. On Monday, a dog named Trigger shot his owner in the foot. And you don’t even want to know what his dog Sodomy did to him.

13. Rare identical triplets were born in Baltimore last week. The names of the babies are Tripp, Finn and Ollie, although, at this point, which one is which is still a crapshoot.

14. Last week, Kellogg’s unveiled five new Pop Tart flavors, including watermelon, pink lemonade and bacon. The bacon-flavored Pop Tart is perfect for anybody who loves bacon but wishes it was somehow more unhealthy.

15 Over the weekend, a non-for-profit company granted 96-year-old Olive Horrell’s wish to “see the future” by taking her to Google headquarters where she rode in a driverless car and put on a virtual reality headset. Said Horrell, “All this was great, but when I said I wanted to see the future, I just meant I didn’t want to die.”

Monologue Jokes – July 25, 2013

1. In a statement released by Kensington Palace, Prince William and Kate Middleton announced they have named the royal heir George Alexander Louis. The royal couple went with George, proving that not even British people like Ringo.

2. In a statement released by Kensington Palace, Prince William and Kate Middleton announced they have named the royal heir George Alexander Louis. The royal couple named their first boy George and, if they have any sense of humor, they’ll name their next kid “Culture Club.”

3. In a statement released by Kensington Palace, Prince William and Kate Middleton announced they have named the royal heir George Alexander Louis. I feel like they could have fit a “Mitt” in there somewhere.

4. Yesterday, the New York Giants ended their partnership with TIMEX. “Wait, football teams can do that?” said Mark Sanchez.

5. Pakistan has pulled a condom commercial off the air following more than 1,000 complaints that its broadcast was immoral. The number one complaint, after the woman in the commercial had sex, she wasn’t stoned to death.

6. New York and New Jersey hospitals are bracing for an expected baby boom nine months after Superstorm Sandy. Said Dr. Steven Mathieson, “Many people were stuck inside without any means of entertainment, and one thing led to another. And don’t forget that all the New York Knicks and Brooklyn Nets were stuck at home, too.”

7. A federal judge has issued a temporary restraining order that blocks Alabama from enacting a key portion of a new abortion law. I don’t think enforcing the ruling will be an issue because most people from Alabama are familiar with restraining orders.

8. Earlier this week, Tennessee Titans linebacker Jonathan Willard saved a family from a burning car. Said Willard, “As a football player, I’m used to disregarding my own safety and as a Tennessee Titans, I’m used to being involved complete disasters.”

9. A whopping 70% of those with at least $1 million in assets don’t consider themselves to be wealthy, according to a survey of 4,500 affluent investors by UBS. “Fuck you,” said Detroit.

10. On Wednesday, multiple New York newspapers were demanding that Anthony Weiner pull out of the mayoral race. Word of advice newspapers, be careful using the phrase “pull out” around Anthony Weiner.

11. On Wednesday, Chicago approved a $500 million proposed renovation of Wrigley Field, the home of the Chicago Cubs. Meanwhile, Detroit wants to know what you’re doing with the old stadium.

12. On Wednesday, Chicago approved a $500 million proposed renovation of Wrigley Field, the home of the Chicago Cubs. Which is odd, because usually when you’re as bad at your job as the Cubs, you find yourself being kicked out of your home.

13. On Wednesday, Chicago approved a $500 million proposed renovation of Wrigley Field, the home of the Chicago Cubs. Hopefully, some of that money will go towards lawn maintenance because there are weeds growing all over the stadium walls. Get your act together Chicago.

14. On Wednesday, Chicago approved a $500 million proposed renovation of 99-year-old Wrigley Field, the home of the Chicago Cubs. “You’re never too old to get a little work done,” said Joan Rivers.