May 14, 2020 – Monologue Jokes

1. Queen guitarist Brian May was hospitalized last week after tearing hit buttock muscles while gardening. Said May, “Please tell people I have coronavirus.” 

2. The European Space Agency said this week that human urine could one day be used to make concrete to build structures on the Moon. So, from now, please refer to him as astronaut R Kelly:

3. Actor Hafthor Bjornsson, who played The Mountain in ‘Game of Thrones,’ set a deadlift world record by lifting 1,104 pounds. Breaking the old record of 1,054 pounds held by Dame Judi Dench: 

4. According to a new survey, almost 70% of married couples say they learned something new about their partner during quarantine. Said Donald to Melania, “We have a kid?!?!?!”

5. Florida Governor Ron DeSantis referred to his state as ‘God’s waiting room’ during a coronavirus press briefing last week. “Not so fast” said Georgia: 

6. Last week, Jada Pinkett Smith said even though she’s been married to Will Smith for 23 years, being quarantined with him made her realize she doesn’t know him at all. Said Pinkett Smith, “Did you know he doesn’t even have an uncle named Phil?”

7. Approximately 300,000 coronavirus masks sent to pregnant women in Japan as part of a government handout have been found to be faulty. Said the pregnant women, “Faulty protection is how we got into this mess to begin with.” 

8. German doctors are posing naked to protest protective equipment shortages. And I think I speak for everyone when I say, don’t get any ideas Dr. Phil:

9.  Last week, Carnival Cruise Line bookings shot up by 600% when they announced that they would return to the high seas on August 1 after months of coronavirus lockdown.  It’s gonna be weird in fifty years, when people want to compare something to a complete disaster and, instead of saying the Titanic, they reference the Goofy II.

10. Last week, an asparagus reader predicted that President Trump will be re-elected and impeached again. Laugh if you will, but she’s always been 100% accurate when she predicted that my pee was gonna smell.

11. After his personal valet tested positive for coronavirus, President Trump said he will undergo the COVID-19 testing every day. Said the man who administered the test by inserting a long swab into Trump’s nose, “I’ve never felt less resistance.” 

12. Last week, the creator of the dystopian tv series ‘Black Mirror’ said the world is too bleak right now for a sixth season of his show. And yet somehow ‘Fuller House’ is allowed to go on as planned.

13. Last Sunday, President Trump answered questions during a virtual town hall on FoxNews staged in front of the Lincoln Memorial. Trump’s answers were so nonsensical that halfway through the interview Lincoln stood up and walked out.

14. In California, a trio of suspected thieves was arrested trying to steal thirty-one rolls of toilet paper, thirty-two towels, and four sets of bed sheets. And no one was more angry about the arrests than the thieves’ wives who sent them out to pick up a few things:

15. During a segment on ‘Good Morning America’, the CEO of the Dolphins revealed mock ups of new entrances to their stadium that will help people adhere to social distancing guidelines. Here’s what those mock ups look like:

16. Last Thursday night, between 7pm and 7:30pm, JetBlue conducted a flyover of Manhattan, Queens, and the Bronx to salute healthcare reporters. Not to be confused with the flyover that occurred between 7:30pm and 10pm, which was JetBlue circling LaGuardia waiting to land.

17. According to a recent survey, women in New York find the Cuomo brothers more attractive than the Jonas brothers. “Alright, but what if we get rid of Kevin,” said the other two Jonas brothers:

18. According to Variety, actor Nicolas Cage will play Joe Exotic in an upcoming TV series about the eclectic zookeeper. Said Cage showing up on the first day of shooting with a mullet, dressed in a cowboy hat and a leopard print sleeveless shirt, “Okay, so what’s this Joe Exotic guy look like?”

19. French researchers are preparing to launch a human trial to test their hypothesis that nicotine can help the body combat coronavirus. That story again, Keith Richards is going to live forever.

20. Last weekend, Secretariat won a virtually Kentucky Derby race. Unfortunately the horse that finished in last place, Seattle Slew, was made into virtual glue.

March 23, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. This week, President Obama made an historic trip to the island Cuba. Obama called the communist country “still out of step with modern society,” while Bernie Sanders called it “perfect.”

2. On Monday, Apple revealed a new, smaller iPhone. But, to be fair, it still looks huge in Donald Trump’s tiny hands.

3. On Monday, NBA superstar LeBron James unfollowed the Cavaliers official Twitter account stirring up speculation that he is unhappy in Cleveland. “Yeah, join the club,” said everyone else in Cleveland.

4. Yesterday, former Alaska governor Sarah Palin, who does not have a law degree, signed a deal with a production company to star a judge in a reality court show. Palin went from a vastly under-qualified politician to a reality star, or, as it’s more commonly known, the reverse-Trump.

5. Carnival Cruise Lines announced Monday that Cuban authorities will allow it to operate cruises to and from the country starting in May. Said Cubans, “We don’t want to get off this island that badly.”

6. One year after it was introduced, Apple dropped the price of its Apple Watch this month to $299. “Still no,” said consumers.

7. According to a report, more than 800,000 Americans have regained their right to vote after multiple states have eased restrictions on felons casting ballots over the past few years. Which explains why yesterday Ted Cruz got a face tattoo.

8. Researchers in Australia have developed a new nanotechnology that allows clothes to clean themselves in the sun. Yet, when I do that to myself, I’m “scaring the neighbor’s kids.”

9. Police in Alabama discovered a man transporting two pounds of marijuana in a what he claimed to be “an anniversary gift.” Authorities became suspicious when a man carrying that much weed claimed to remember his anniversary.

10. According to a new study, one out of every twelve people would rather break an arm than do their taxes. “I only wish I had more than two arms to break,” said Wesley Snipes.

February 19, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. Over the weekend the U.S. men’s hockey team prevailed over host nation Russia in a dramatic overtime shootout. Then, after the game, Russian President Vladimir Putin visited the Russian locker room and conducted a “shootout” of his own.

2. Former Congressman Mel Reynolds has been arrested in Zimbabwe after state media reported the convicted sex offender had been found with pornography in a local hotel. Said Reynolds, “Where can I do this?”

3. According to a new study, when picking a new doctor, most people factor reviews left on ratings websites into their decisions. “People are reading things online about their doctors? That’s not good for me,” said Conrad Murray.

4. On Wednesday, a fisherman from El Salvador who says he spent 13 months adrift in the Pacific Ocean, surviving on turtle blood and fish he caught with his bare hands, vowed he would not venture back out to sea. “But we apologized already and gave you a voucher,” said Carnival Cruise Lines.

5. President Obama said on Friday he is considering new ways to pressure the government of Syria and President Bashar al-Assad. First step, say hello to the new Syrian ambassador Dennis Rodman.

6. Eleanor Roosevelt was named the greatest first lady of the United States in a survey of historians released on Saturday. Eleanor edged out the second most popular response, “Who gives a shit.”

7. Last week a bill was introduced in Romania’s Parliament that, if successful, would grant dolphins the same rights as humans due to their developed intelligence. “You know that I’m against all dolphins being treated equally,” said Richie Incognito.

8. A South Carolina woman was sentenced to spend a night in jail for failing to return a VHS copy of “Monster-in-Law” she rented in 2005. The judge settled on one night in jail after determining that the woman who watched “Monster-in-Law” had already suffered enough.

9. Four days after Valentine’s Day, 1-800-Flowers is still apologizing via Twitter and Facebook to the nearly 400 customers whose flowers never showed up. Said one dissatisfied customer, “I swear I didn’t forget, sweetie. I ordered flowers ahead of time. See? Look at this tweet …oh, don’t call me an asshole.”

10. According to a new study, the negative physical and mental effects tied to bullying among children and teens may accumulate throughout the years, So keep it up bullies, it’s working.

Monologue Jokes – April 18, 2013

1. According to a new study, doctors order fewer laboratory tests during a patient’s hospital stay if they know how much the tests cost. Unfortunately, that prostate exam doesn’t cost a thing.

2. A St. Paul, Minnesota hospital says it is working to identify the gap in its system that allowed a stillborn baby’s body to wind up at an off-site laundry service. My advice, label your dumpsters better.

3. Tuesday the internet was ablaze with rumors of a “Friends” reunion. Said David Schwimmer, “Ah, let me check my schedule, yeah I’m available.”

4. An international study, published on Thursday, found that people who enjoy successful entertainment or sporting careers tend to die younger. In a related story, I’ve finally agreed that Justin Bieber has had an incredibly successful career.

5. An international study, published on Thursday, found that people who enjoy successful entertainment or sporting careers tend to die younger. While those that don’t, tend to die alone.

6. The number one overall pick in the 2013 WNBA Draft, Brittney Griner, announced that she’s gay. That seems redundant.

7, Former Pakistani President Pervez Musharraf was forced to flee a courtroom moments after judges ordered his arrest. I guess Musharraf forgot to buy the judges, but at least he paid the bailiffs.

8. Carnival Cruise Lines announced it will spend $600 to $700 million to make sure customers have “comforts” like working toilets, air conditioning and adequate food and water. Ah, yes, all the comforts of the bare necessities of life.

9. Carnival Cruise Lines announced it will spend $600 to $700 million to make sure customers have “comforts” like working toilets, air conditioning and adequate food and water. Carnival will also change its motto to “Carnival Cruise Lines, all the comforts of jail, but without all the flash.”

10. Yesterday, CNN rushed-the-gun and incorrectly reported that a suspect was under arrest in connection with the Boston bombings. CNN went on to report that Dewey defeated Truman, Gore won Florida and CNN is good at reporting.

Monologue Jokes – April 15, 2013

1. Today is April 15th, the last day to file your taxes. Or, as Wesley Snipes refers to it, Monday.

2. Over the weekend, singer Justin Bieber visited the Anne Frank House in Amsterdam and signed the guestbook, “Truly inspiring to be able to come here. Anne was a great girl. Hopefully she would have been a belieber.” If you think that’s bad, later, at his concert, he dedicated “One Less Lonely Girl” to her.

3. Over the weekend, singer Justin Bieber visited the Anne Frank House in Amsterdam and signed the guestbook, “Truly inspiring to be able to come here. Anne was a great girl. Hopefully she would have been a belieber.” Unfortunately Bieber’s head was too big to fit in the attic.

4. According to a new study, black women were the most likely to gain weight while using a long-acting form of contraception. In response, black men said, “Yeah, we’re okay with that.”

5. According to research published on Friday, a 2 million-year-old ancestor of man had a mixture of ape and human-like features that allowed it to hike vast distances on two legs with as much ease as it could scurry up trees. “Oh, you mean Bob?” said Larry King.

6. A little-known French sports doctor, who spent 16 years studying the busts of about 300 women, sent a scare through a country known for its love of lingerie this week, when he suggested bras were useless. Something tells me those 300 women didn’t know they were being studied.

7. A little-known French sports doctor, who spent 16 years studying the busts of about 300 women, sent a scare through a country known for its love of lingerie this week, when he suggested bras were useless. I hope he has room on his mantle for the Noble Prize.

8. Virginia on Friday required abortion clinics to meet stricter hospital-style standards, making it the latest state to tighten rules on the procedure. In a related story, Virginia has updated its state motto to “Virginia is for Lovers?”

9. According to a hospital in southern Turkey, the first woman to have a successful womb transplant from a dead donor is pregnant. Unfortunately, the unborn child will have to grow up without a father because he has been arrested for necrophilia.

10. Over the weekend, two cruise ships picked up 21 people adrift on rafts off the coast of Florida. Said the refugees, “Did that say ‘Carnival’ on the side of the ship? That’s okay, we’ll take our chances on the rafts.”

Monologue Jokes – March 15, 2013

1. Yesterday, pop singer Justin Bieber’s hamster died. Authorities have not ruled out suicide.

2. Yesterday, pop singer Justin Bieber’s hamster died. Somewhere, actor Richard Gere observed a moment of silence.

3. Rob Portman, the conservative senator from Ohio, has changed his hardline position against gay marriage after his son revealed to him that he was gay. Portman added, “But I want to make it clear, I still hate my son.”

4. Rob Portman, the conservative senator from Ohio, has changed his hardline position against gay marriage after his son revealed to him that he was gay. Now who do we have to abort to get him to change his mind on that?

5. Pope Francis returned on Thursday to the Church-run hotel he was staying at before becoming Pontiff and insisted on paying his room bill. The hotel eventually acquiesced, but the exchange became awkward when the hotel clerk had to review the adult movie charges.

6. The Carnival Cruise ship Dream is experiencing technical problems, resulting in non-working toilets, and is being forced to end its voyage early. This is the fourth Carnival cruise ship full of people in the past month to experience problems, proving once and for all that people don’t listen to the news. Stop going on these ships, idiots.

7. A 32-year-old man is finally being adopted by the family that was denied that right nearly twenty years ago. The adoption was denied due to a disagreement over the adoptive family’s right to spank the child, which is a non-issue now that the child is 32-years-old, plus he’s also really into that sort of thing now anyway.

8. Scientists are hopeful that treating people with HIV rapidly after they have become infected with the virus that causes AIDS may be enough to achieve a “functional cure” in a small proportion of patients diagnosed early. If only Magic were still alive, wait, what?

9. Scientists are hopeful that treating people with HIV rapidly after they have become infected with the virus that causes AIDS may be enough to achieve a “functional cure” in a small proportion of patients diagnosed early. “Functionally cured” sounds promising, but maybe keep your heroin needle to yourself just to be safe.

10. An 89-year-old grandma hit her goal of $3,500 on Kickstarter for her walking cane business in less than three months. The woman reached her goal before her self-imposed March 23 deadline, surprising many who though she would be dead by then.

11. Arizona will argue before the Supreme Court on Monday that it is within its rights to demand voters show proof of U.S. citizenship to register to vote in federal elections, while opponents will argue it is an overreach of its powers. When reached for comment, Mitt Romney said, “Thanks for nothing.”

12. McDonald’s has been sued by a woman who said her two-year-old son ate a used condom he found in the play area of one of its Chicago restaurants. What, you thought that was clown make-up on Ronald’s face?

13. McDonald’s has been sued by a woman who said her two-year-old son ate a used condom he found in the play area of one of its Chicago restaurants. In McDonald’s defense, if you can think of a better place than a McDonald’s playground to pick up kids and have sex with them, I’d like to hear it.

February 15, 2013 – Monologue Jokes

1. This weekend Houston will host the NBA All-Star game and will also be the impetus of many future episodes of Maury.

2. After days on a cruise ship without electricity and working toilets, thousands of passengers are now finally off the ship and ashore in Alabama, although, how could you tell?

3. For $850 a company in Missouri will freeze dry your pet so you can keep him forever. Or maybe you can just take a picture, weirdo.

4. For $850 a company in Missouri will freeze dry your pet so you can keep him forever. But don’t send them your grandma because apparently, as they explained to me, they have a problem with that.

5. The Senate vote on Chuck Hagel’s nomination as Defense Secretary failed yesterday with fifty-eight Senators voting to move forward, forty voting to hold-up the process and Republican Senator Orrin Hatch voting “present”. Although, Senator Hatch, if you keep voting like that, not for long.

6. The GOP once again voted to filibuster and hold-up President Obama’s nomination of Chuck Hagel as Secretary of Defense. So note to all our enemies, we don’t have a Defense Secretary right now.

7. Yesterday, new Secretary of State John Kerry addressed the issue of Syria, specifically Syrian President Bashar al-Assad’s refusal to step down by saying, “I believe there are additional things that can be done to change his perception.” It should be noted that while Kerry was saying this he was looking directly at the camera menacingly while slowly beating his fist into the palm of his other hand.

8. The Chicago Crime Commission named Joaquin “El Chupe” Guzman the new Public Enemy No. 1 on Thursday, a designation once held by Al Capone. When reached for comment, Mr. Guzman said, “Oh my God, what an honor, so many people to thank. First off, the devil.”

9. Yesterday, in cities around the world, men and women danced as part of 1 Billion Rising, a global day of action to remind the world that violence toward women still persists. Although, I think the celebration sent mixed signals since all they danced to was Chris Brown music.

10. On Wednesday, Pope Benedict XVI made his first public appearance since announcing his impending resignation. The Pope said, “I’ve decided to resign the ministry given to me by the Lord,” adding, “the Lord has given me my next mission: following Phish around the world.”

February 14, 2013 – Monologue Jokes

1. A Carnival cruise ship carrying more than 4,000 people has been stranded in the Gulf of Mexico for over five days. The ship, which has been described as a “petri dish” due to sewage floating in the hallways, is due to arrive in Mobile, Alabama tonight forcing all passengers to make the impossible decision between a floating sewage boat and Alabama.

2. After being bitten by a poisonous Black Widow spider on the fourth hole of a tournament, professional golfer Daniela Holmqvist used a tee to open the bite wound, squeezed out the venom and finished playing the round. So sack-it-up Dwight Howard, you pussy.

3. A controversial model of Knut the polar bear, who gained internet fame in 2007 and continued to be a tourist attraction until his untimely death in 2011, is being built at the Natural History Museum in Berlin. Gesine Steiner, a spokeswoman for the museum said, “It’s important to point out that we have not stuffed Knut. Rather, this is a plastic form…covered with Knut’s very own fur.” Oh, that makes it better said absolutely no one.

4. Billionaire Warren Buffet, along with a Brazilian investor, have agreed to buy H.J. Heinz Co. for $28 billion because, at his age, Buffett gravitates towards foods he doesn’t have to chew.

5. Billionaire Warren Buffett has reached an agreement to buy Heinz for $28 billion. To which John Kerry said, “Take her.”

6. The IRS will pay out a record $125 million to whistleblowers for the 2012 fiscal year, $104 million going to just one whistleblower, Bradley Birkenfeld, or as he is more commonly known, the worst neighbor in the world.

7. The IRS will pay out a record $125 million to whistleblowers for the 2012 fiscal year, $104 million going to just one whistleblower, Bradley Birkenfeld. The $104 million should go a long way to buying new friends.

8. The IRS will pay out a record $125 million to whistleblowers for the 2012 fiscal year, $104 million going to just one whistleblower, Bradley Birkenfeld. In a related story, Wesley Snipes has just killed Bradley Birkenfeld.

9. Google announced that there has been an increase in searches for chocolate covered bacon this Valentine’s Day as compared to last year. We get it America, you’re fat.

10. Entertainment Weekly is reporting that Jamie-Lynn Sigler is pregnant and expecting. But I’m assuming that’s a typo and they meant to say “Spears” instead of “Sigler”.

February 11, 2013 – Monologue Jokes

1. Pope Benedict XVI announced that he will resign at the end of this month citing his age, deteriorating health and dwindling love of funny hats.

2. Pope Benedict XVI announced that he will resign at the end of this month. Just in time for Spring Break! See you in Cancun Holy Father!

3. Pope Benedict XVI announced that he will resign at the end of this month. The Pope is retiring to spend more time at home quietly judging his own family.

4. Pope Benedict XVI announced that he will resign at the end of this month. The Pope, who opened a twitter account last year, tweeted his decision by saying, “Peace bitches, I’m outtie.”

5. A recent study determined that watching pornography on your smartphone can be harmful to the mobile device. Also, all the squinting can hurt your eyes … I’ve heard.

6. A recent study at the University of Michigan found that a drug intended to treat canker sores instead made obese mice thin, without diet or exercise. But I’m gonna call bullshit because I’ve seen a lot of fat people with canker sores.

7.  A recent study at the University of Michigan found that a drug intended to treat canker sores instead made obese mice thin, without diet or exercise. But I think the bigger question is who’s giving all these mice canker sores?

8. Fast food chain Burger King was surprised to learn that some of their burgers contained trace amounts of horse-meat in restaurants in Europe. Even more surprised by this information, horses.

9. Singer Chris Brown backed his Porsche into a wall on Saturday while being chased by the paparazzi. When reached for comment, the wall said, “It was completely my fault. I shouldn’t have talked back. I have to learn.”

10. A Carnival cruise ship, with more than 4,200 passengers and crew, was adrift in the Gulf of Mexico over the weekend after an engine caught fire. A spokesperson for Carnival said, “No iceberg. No pirates. No drunk captains. We at Carnival consider this a successful voyage.”