May 14, 2020 – Monologue Jokes

1. Queen guitarist Brian May was hospitalized last week after tearing hit buttock muscles while gardening. Said May, “Please tell people I have coronavirus.” 

2. The European Space Agency said this week that human urine could one day be used to make concrete to build structures on the Moon. So, from now, please refer to him as astronaut R Kelly:

3. Actor Hafthor Bjornsson, who played The Mountain in ‘Game of Thrones,’ set a deadlift world record by lifting 1,104 pounds. Breaking the old record of 1,054 pounds held by Dame Judi Dench: 

4. According to a new survey, almost 70% of married couples say they learned something new about their partner during quarantine. Said Donald to Melania, “We have a kid?!?!?!”

5. Florida Governor Ron DeSantis referred to his state as ‘God’s waiting room’ during a coronavirus press briefing last week. “Not so fast” said Georgia: 

6. Last week, Jada Pinkett Smith said even though she’s been married to Will Smith for 23 years, being quarantined with him made her realize she doesn’t know him at all. Said Pinkett Smith, “Did you know he doesn’t even have an uncle named Phil?”

7. Approximately 300,000 coronavirus masks sent to pregnant women in Japan as part of a government handout have been found to be faulty. Said the pregnant women, “Faulty protection is how we got into this mess to begin with.” 

8. German doctors are posing naked to protest protective equipment shortages. And I think I speak for everyone when I say, don’t get any ideas Dr. Phil:

9.  Last week, Carnival Cruise Line bookings shot up by 600% when they announced that they would return to the high seas on August 1 after months of coronavirus lockdown.  It’s gonna be weird in fifty years, when people want to compare something to a complete disaster and, instead of saying the Titanic, they reference the Goofy II.

10. Last week, an asparagus reader predicted that President Trump will be re-elected and impeached again. Laugh if you will, but she’s always been 100% accurate when she predicted that my pee was gonna smell.

11. After his personal valet tested positive for coronavirus, President Trump said he will undergo the COVID-19 testing every day. Said the man who administered the test by inserting a long swab into Trump’s nose, “I’ve never felt less resistance.” 

12. Last week, the creator of the dystopian tv series ‘Black Mirror’ said the world is too bleak right now for a sixth season of his show. And yet somehow ‘Fuller House’ is allowed to go on as planned.

13. Last Sunday, President Trump answered questions during a virtual town hall on FoxNews staged in front of the Lincoln Memorial. Trump’s answers were so nonsensical that halfway through the interview Lincoln stood up and walked out.

14. In California, a trio of suspected thieves was arrested trying to steal thirty-one rolls of toilet paper, thirty-two towels, and four sets of bed sheets. And no one was more angry about the arrests than the thieves’ wives who sent them out to pick up a few things:

15. During a segment on ‘Good Morning America’, the CEO of the Dolphins revealed mock ups of new entrances to their stadium that will help people adhere to social distancing guidelines. Here’s what those mock ups look like:

16. Last Thursday night, between 7pm and 7:30pm, JetBlue conducted a flyover of Manhattan, Queens, and the Bronx to salute healthcare reporters. Not to be confused with the flyover that occurred between 7:30pm and 10pm, which was JetBlue circling LaGuardia waiting to land.

17. According to a recent survey, women in New York find the Cuomo brothers more attractive than the Jonas brothers. “Alright, but what if we get rid of Kevin,” said the other two Jonas brothers:

18. According to Variety, actor Nicolas Cage will play Joe Exotic in an upcoming TV series about the eclectic zookeeper. Said Cage showing up on the first day of shooting with a mullet, dressed in a cowboy hat and a leopard print sleeveless shirt, “Okay, so what’s this Joe Exotic guy look like?”

19. French researchers are preparing to launch a human trial to test their hypothesis that nicotine can help the body combat coronavirus. That story again, Keith Richards is going to live forever.

20. Last weekend, Secretariat won a virtually Kentucky Derby race. Unfortunately the horse that finished in last place, Seattle Slew, was made into virtual glue.

January 2, 2013 – Monologue Jokes

1. A widow of one of the astronauts killed in the Challenger is upset that Beyonce used audio from the space shuttle disaster in one of her new songs. Beyonce defended her actions by saying, “I choose the Challenger because the audio on the Zapruder film is terrible.”

2. U.S. Chief Justice John Roberts asked Congress on Tuesday to ensure the judiciary has sufficient funding in the coming year following recent budget cuts. Roberts add, “We can’t afford to lose these robes, most of us aren’t wearing anything underneath, including Scalia.”

3. A controversial hunting contest in Idaho targeting wolves and coyotes has ended with nearly two dozen coyotes killed, but no wolves shot. “Well, that defeated the purpose,” said three little pigs.

4. Bill de Blasio was formally inaugurated as mayor of New York City yesterday, in front of a crowd that included former President Bill Clinton and former mayoral candidate Anthony Weiner. Begging the question, if those two were there, who was sending unsolicited dick pics to the impressionable girls of the world?

5. On Wednesday, researchers said that trebling tobacco tax globally would cut smoking by a third and prevent 200 million premature deaths. But, on the downside, it’ll make it much harder to identify the cool kids.

6. Yesterday, James Avery, the actor best known for portraying “Uncle Phil” on “The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air,” died at the age of 68. Avery is survived by his tv children Will Smith, Tatyana Ali, Karyn Parsons and Alfonso Riberio. (ed. note: We’re pretty sure Alfonso Riberio is still alive)

7. New York City mayor Bill de Blasio has vowed to rid the city of horse-drawn carriages. So now Central Park will no longer smell like horseshit due to horses, but instead due homeless people.

8. North Korean leader Kim Jong Un on Wednesday praised the recent execution of his uncle, saying it brought greater unity within the state. This comes as bad news to Kim Jong Un’s other uncle.

9. “Duck Dynasty” star Phil Robertson is ruffling feathers again, this time for comments he made years ago about how girls should marry when they’re still teenagers. But, in his defense, when you look like Phil Robertson it’s hard to turn down all the teenage pussy that gets thrown your way.

10. According to a new study, taking vitamin E during the early stages of Alzheimer’s slowed declines in patients’ ability to perform basic tasks by about six months. But since you can’t even remember to take your morning vitamins now, what hope do you really have?