January 6, 2019 – Monologue Jokes

1. Last week, a Kentucky woman gave her probation officer a dog urine sample during a drug screening. Officials became suspicious when her tests came back positive for snausages.

2. During a rally on Friday, President Trump warned his supporters that his Democratic opponents would tear down crosses. Although I’m not sure uppercase T’s count as crosses: 

3. Presidential candidate Michael Bloomberg on Tuesday said his campaign had unknowingly used prison workers to make telephone calls on his behalf. Although, I think they would have been more effective if they had been knocking on doors instead:

4. Hollywood producer Harvey Weinstein underwent back surgery last week. Here’s hoping for a quick recovery … for the doctors who had to see him naked. 

5. President Trump on Friday blasted the magazine founded by the late Reverend Billy Graham after the publication called for him to be removed from office. Said Trump, “That magazine isn’t even worthy of being rolled up by a stripper to be spanked with.”

6. Russian President Vladimir Putin again invited President Trump to visit Moscow in the coming year. The prostitutes are already preparing for Donald’s arrival:

7. President Trump said on Tuesday he would be happy to have a trial in the Senate following his impeachment in the House, but that he did not really care. Trump has such little interest in the matter that he has nicknamed it ‘Tiffany.’

8. On Monday, doctors to Bernie Sanders said the presidential hopeful passed a stress test. That story again, apparently there are no visual components to stress tests:

9. A recent study found that a Google artificial intelligence system proved as good as expert radiologists at detecting which women had breast cancer. “Great, now all women can share my experience of what it’s liked to get felt up by a robot,” said Ann Romney.

10. Disney World employees who portray costumed characters have filed incident reports with police, claiming tourists inappropriately touched them. “When you’re a star, they just let you do it,” said one Donald to another.

11. According to reports, actress Lori Loughlin is reportedly practicing martial arts so she’ll be ready for prison. Or, more likely:

12. A Chinese court sentenced the scientist who created the world’s first “gene-edited” babies to three years in prison. Apparently now you can get sent to jail for making babies that shouldn’t exist, so better lawyer up Mr. and Mrs. Bieber.

13. A Chinese court sentenced the scientist who created the world’s first “gene-edited” babies to three years in prison on Monday for illegally practicing medicine. “Wait, you can legally practice medicine?” said this guy:

14. According to a new study, almost 1 in 18 women have experienced sexual harassment in the workplace. This study was conducted anywhere other than “The Today Show”:

15. Newsweek has published a new article profiling an experimental study conducted 20 years ago that observed eight couples having sex in an MRI scanner. So now you have something other than that tumor to worry about, next person in that scanner. 

16. Newsweek has published a new article profiling an experimental study conducted 20 years ago that observed eight couples having sex in an MRI scanner. The study concluded that you should never let give the night janitor keys to the MRI room.

May 5, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. Today, Vice President Mike Pence will host a Cinco de Mayo celebration at the White House. The only way picking Pence for that job makes sense is if they thought ‘Mayo’ was short for mayonnaise.

2. According to reports, the first call President Trump made after the House repealed Obamacare yesterday was to Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell to tell him the “ball’s in your court now.” And, from the look of him, in his neck as well:

3. According to sources, while meeting with religious leaders at the White House yesterday, President Trump held up a copy of ‘the New York Times’ and bragged about all the good coverage his daughter Ivanka was getting. He also bragged about his son Eric by holding up his most recent finger-painting.

4. According to sources, while meeting with religious leaders at the White House yesterday, President Trump held up copy of ‘the New York Times’ and bragged about all the good coverage his daughter Ivanka was getting. “Jesus Christ,” said everyone in the room.

5. Yesterday, President Trump returned to New York City for the first time since taking office. A lot has changed since the last time he was there including the color of the leaves on the trees and the locks on the door to the apartment he shares with Melania.

6. Florida authorities have charged a woman with prostitution after she agreed to perform a sex act on an undercover detective for $25 and Chicken McNuggets. Or, as Charlie Sheen calls it, a dinner date.

7. It was announced this week that Joe Scarborough and Mika Brzezinski, co-hosts of MSNBC’s ‘Morning Joe,’ are engaged. So, you’re move Matt Lauer and Al Roker.

8. An Egyptian woman, believed to be the world’s heaviest woman, left an Indian hospital on Thursday more than 600 pounds lighter. Although, technically, she didn’t leave the building, they found it easier to leave her in one place and move the hospital.

9. Twitter has reached an agreement to stream live WNBA games next season. Thus providing sports fans a new way to completely ignore women’s basketball.

10. According to ‘the Washington Post,’ President Trump has mentioned the election results on 68 of the 176 days since the election. Presumably because the other 108 days he was too busy golfing.

11. A Queens man is memorializing his lifelong friend, a plumber, by flushing his cremated remains into the pipes of baseball stadiums across the country. Here’s a picture of the guy:

12. A Queens man is memorializing his lifelong friend, a plumber, by flushing his cremated remains down the toilets of baseball stadiums across the country. Or, more likely, a dead plumber thought he had a better friend.

13. On Tuesday, Venezuelan President Nicolas Maduro called for a rewrite of the country’s Constitution which he said would quell protests. “A president can do that?” asked Trump.

14. A woman in Florida was arrested for assaulting a man who refused to stop playing a xylophone. “Fuck,” said the officer who had to write up that police report.

15. On Monday, Secretary of Commerce, Wilbur Ross, referred to President Trump ordering the Syrian missile strike while eating at Mar-a-Lago as “after dinner entertainment.” Which is why I wanted Chris Christie to be president, because there’s never any after dinner entertainment when you can’t figure out when one meal ends and the next begins.

16. According to a White House official, Ivanka Trump will review some executive orders before her father signs them. And, in future news, President Trump has declared war on Nordstroms.

17. White House budget director Mick Mulvaney accused Democrats on Tuesday of trying to make President Trump look bad and added that a government shutdown fight be inevitable if they do not act better. Adding, “I swear to God I’ll turn this car around!”

18. Over the weekend, New Jersey Governor Chris Christie was spotted at a highway rest-stop waiting in line at a Cinnabon. So, my apologies to the people behind Christie in line who never even had a chance at getting a cinnamon bun.

19. Researchers have discovered the some female dragonflies pretend to be dead to avoid male dragonflies. “Trust me, I’ve tried,” said Melania.

20. In a recent interview, President Trump said he is both “a nationalist and a globalist.” I guess I never really looked at those hats close enough:

21. According to reports, President Trump reversed his position on NAFTA after his Secretaries of Commerce and Agriculture showed him a map of the U.S. and pointed out the areas that would be affected. Said Trump, “There’s a north Dakota, too!?!”

22. An Alabama woman claims she choked on a condom in her French toast at a local IHOP. Even worse, the condom was sticky, and she hadn’t even poured the syrup on yet.

23. Molly, a Jack Russell terrier, has undergone gender reassignment in a rare operation after vets discovered she was a hermaphrodite. As a result, Molly has no idea which fire hydrant to use in North Carolina.

24. The EPA removed most climate change information from its website Friday, saying in a press release that language on the website is being updated to “reflect the approach of new leadership.” Begging the question, can a website just be a fart noise.

25. Last week, a New York man in need of brake lines crashed his car into an auto parts store. As a result, there are only two Pep Boys now.

October 9, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. On Thursday, Donald Trump suggested that he was partly responsible for convincing House Majority Leader Kevin McCarthy to drop his bid to become the new speaker. Now, if he could only convince himself of the same.

2. Saudi billionaire Prince Alwaleed Bin Talal now owns over 5% of Twitter. It’s weird the Prince is a fan of Twitter since his name alone takes up most of the 140 character limit.

3. A video game engineer this week proposed to his girlfriend by using his company’s virtual reality headset. But, of course, he had to since that is the only place where his girlfriend exists.

4. Doctors in the U.K. are working on a procedure that can build a replacement penis out of a man’s arm. And you thought putting on a condom was hard before.

5. A German actor who dressed up as Adolf Hitler for a movie and traveled through the country for four weeks was shocked by the warm welcome he received. Even more shocking, France has already surrendered.

6. Hundreds of people gathered in New York’s Central Park on Tuesday in an attempt to set a record for the largest human peace symbol to celebrate what would have been John Lennon’s 75th birthday this year. Worried that the crowd might turn violent, the NYPD got them to disperse by playing some of Yoko Ono’s music.

7. New Jersey Governor Chris Christie said he would rather jump off the Brooklyn Bridge than be in Congress. “Dear God, no!” said the water beneath the Brooklyn Bridge.

8. Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton said Friday that a bankruptcy plan proposed by Patriot Coal is “outrageous and must be stopped” because it diverts money intended for coal miners’ retirement benefits. Clinton suggested a back-up plan to raise the necessary funds in which she will make diamonds by putting pieces of coal between her butt cheeks.

9. Someone has invented a portable sex robot that’s being called the three-in-one male masturbator. Which means Kim, Khloe and Kourtney will need to come up with a new nickname.

10. High-resolution scans suggest the tomb of Egypt’s boy-king Tutankhamun contains passages to two hidden chambers. Which, if true, means King Tut’s coffin is more spacious than my $2000 a month, New York City apartment.

11. Ethiopia aims to triple its number of foreign visitors to more than 2.5 million by 2020, making tourism a pillar of the African country’s economy. “We’ll see about that,” said Ebola.

12. A processing company that provides chicken to KFC was fined last week after an employee lost two fingertips while on the job. But in KFC’s defense, they never clarified whose fingers were finger-licking good.

13. A Virginia Beach mother was stunned last week when she opened up the box for a newly purchased toy sword, but instead found 800 rounds of nine millimeter ammunition. So good luck to whoever unknowingly brought a toy knife to a gun fight.

14. Select Burger King stores have introduce limited edition Whopper wine. The wine pairs perfectly with disappointment.

15. The author of the popular book series “Lemony Snicket and a Series of Unfortunate Events” has donated $1 million to Planned Parenthood. Which seems like a pretty bad business decision for a guy who writes children’s books.

October 18, 2013 – Monologue Jokes

1. There was an unusual scene on the House floor Wednesday night when, moments after the bill to end the government shutdown was passed, a House stenographer calmly took to the microphone and began ranting about the Constitution, Free Masons and Jesus. Ted Cruz said it was a nice break for him from being the craziest person in the room.

2. Wednesday night, Cory Booker, the two-term mayor of Newark, New Jersey became a U.S. Senator by decisively winning a special election. Booker said he is excited to go to Washington D.C. to fight for the people of New Jersey and even more excited to leave those people behind in New Jersey.

3. A man with a knife hijacked a school bus in central Arkansas Thursday morning, taking 11 elementary school students on a wild detour that police ended after a 10-mile chase. Luckily no one was injured, but his event will undoubtedly serve as a cautionary tale for years to come in Arkansas about the dangers of going to school.

4. A recent study found that Oreos are as addictive as cocaine. The study also found that it is surprisingly easy to get funding for a study about Oreos.

5. Yesterday morning, Reuters reported that “Transformers 4: The Age of Extinction” director Michael Bay was injured in an attack on the film’s Hong Kong set when a pair of brothers demanded money from the director. That’s horrible, but at least now Bay knows how we feel when we see one of his movies.

6. Republican Senator Ted Cruz, a conservative whose defiant stand against Obamacare helped prompt the government shutdown, has blocked the Senate from voting on the nomination of Tom Wheeler to be FCC chairman. Said Cruz, “Pay attention to me!”

7. A new study suggests, women who walk with flat feet are 50 percent more likely than those with normal arches to complain about lower back pain. But don’t worry, other 50 percent of women, I’m sure you’ll find something else to complain about.

8. The first-ever walking, talking “bionic man” built entirely out of synthetic body parts made his Washington debut on Thursday. Unfortunately, his visit was cut short because he had to fly back to California to sign some forms to initiate his divorce from Kris Jenner.

9. On Wednesday, Ted Cruz’s hometown newspaper, the Houston Chronicle, retracted its endorsement of Senator Ted Cruz. “If only it were that easy for me,” said Cruz’s mother.

10. Scientists have reportedly found a way to cure marijuana addiction. Their antidote: heroin.