Monologue Jokes – March 3, 2020

1. This week McDonald’s announced that it will sell a limited edition six-pack of candles that smell like Quarter Pounder ingredients including ketchup, pickles, cheese, onion and beef. So, your move, Gwyneth Paltrow’s vagina. 

2. A man in Wisconsin was arrested last week for allegedly stealing chicken wings and condoms from a Walmart. He was either planning one hell of a night or I’ve been eating chicken wings wrong. 

3. Officials at a library in California are upset after recently discovering that an adult film was shot in the building. And if they’re upset by that, maybe they shouldn’t check the library computer’s search history. 

4. Last week, a U.K. patient underwent brain surgery while playing a violin. Look, if I want to listen to a musician with a brain injury play an instrument, I’d go to a Ted Nugent concert.

5. This week, Democratic presidential candidate Mike Bloomberg revealed, that even though his mother passed away several years ago at the age of 102, he still pays for her home’s phone line so he can call and hear her voice on the answering machine. Because nothing’s more relatable with today’s electorate than needless expenses and landlines. 

6. This week, Democratic presidential candidate Mike Bloomberg revealed, that even though his mother passed away several years ago at the age of 102, he still pays for her home’s phone line so he can call and hear her voice on the answering machine. He’s also opened up a quaint bed and breakfast with her as well:

7. According to reports, former Hollywood producer Harvey Weinstein was in good spirits on Tuesday, as he accepted visitors at a Manhattan hospital, despite having been convicted a day earlier of sexual assault and rape. Said an elated Weinstein, “All I have to do is press this button and legally the nurse has to give me a sponge bath.” 

8. A soccer player in France has been suspended for five years after biting the penis of an opponent during an altercation after a match. He was also given a red card for using his hands to cup the balls.

9. It was reported this week that Steven Spielberg’s daughter Mikaela is making pornographic movies. “Oh God, that’s awful. Why would anyone put that on film?” said people after watching ‘Indiana Jones and the Crystal Skull.’ 

10. According to a new study, erectile dysfunction pills can permanently distort one’s vision. “His or mine?” said a very hopeful Melania.

11. Three dolphins have been shot or stabbed in Florida since May. Police have named their top suspect, a Ray Finkle: 

12. During a rally, President Donald Trump ridiculed South Korean film “Parasite” winning the Best Picture Oscar, telling a campaign rally he wished for the return of Hollywood classics like “Gone with the Wind.” And you know Trump really hated that movie if he’s taking the side of wind:

13. On Wednesday, the Broadway play “To Kill a Mockingbird” was performed at Madison Square Garden for 18,000 public school students. “Oh, thank God!” said the students once they realized they were watching a three-hour long play based on a book written in the 1950s about race relations and not the Knicks.

14. Disney has announced a new partnership with the plant-based meat company Impossible Foods to offer the Impossible Burger at their resorts and parks. “Just in time,” said Eeyore:

15. A man in Florida was recently arrested at an IHOP restaurant for allegedly asking customers if they wanted to see his genitals. “But I asked this time?!?!?!” said a very confused Louis CK.

16. Despite potentially facing more than two decades in prison, Harvey Weinstein is “not giving up on life,” according to his spokesman. “Man, this guy really is bad at taking ‘No’ for an answer,” said Life.

17. Doctors are warning that putting potatoes up your butt won’t cure hemorrhoids. So I guess it was something else that cured my hemorrhoids.

18. This week, President Trump appointed Vice President Mike Pence to lead the federal task force to get to the bottom of the coronavirus. And, in future news, the coronavirus is caused by gays.

19. According to a spokesman, after his conviction, Harvey Weinstein is going “stir crazy” sitting in his hospital room. But, in Weinstein defense, you’d be pretty stir crazy too if you were trapped in a room with just Harvey Weinstein.

May 5, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. Today, Vice President Mike Pence will host a Cinco de Mayo celebration at the White House. The only way picking Pence for that job makes sense is if they thought ‘Mayo’ was short for mayonnaise.

2. According to reports, the first call President Trump made after the House repealed Obamacare yesterday was to Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell to tell him the “ball’s in your court now.” And, from the look of him, in his neck as well:

3. According to sources, while meeting with religious leaders at the White House yesterday, President Trump held up a copy of ‘the New York Times’ and bragged about all the good coverage his daughter Ivanka was getting. He also bragged about his son Eric by holding up his most recent finger-painting.

4. According to sources, while meeting with religious leaders at the White House yesterday, President Trump held up copy of ‘the New York Times’ and bragged about all the good coverage his daughter Ivanka was getting. “Jesus Christ,” said everyone in the room.

5. Yesterday, President Trump returned to New York City for the first time since taking office. A lot has changed since the last time he was there including the color of the leaves on the trees and the locks on the door to the apartment he shares with Melania.

6. Florida authorities have charged a woman with prostitution after she agreed to perform a sex act on an undercover detective for $25 and Chicken McNuggets. Or, as Charlie Sheen calls it, a dinner date.

7. It was announced this week that Joe Scarborough and Mika Brzezinski, co-hosts of MSNBC’s ‘Morning Joe,’ are engaged. So, you’re move Matt Lauer and Al Roker.

8. An Egyptian woman, believed to be the world’s heaviest woman, left an Indian hospital on Thursday more than 600 pounds lighter. Although, technically, she didn’t leave the building, they found it easier to leave her in one place and move the hospital.

9. Twitter has reached an agreement to stream live WNBA games next season. Thus providing sports fans a new way to completely ignore women’s basketball.

10. According to ‘the Washington Post,’ President Trump has mentioned the election results on 68 of the 176 days since the election. Presumably because the other 108 days he was too busy golfing.

11. A Queens man is memorializing his lifelong friend, a plumber, by flushing his cremated remains into the pipes of baseball stadiums across the country. Here’s a picture of the guy:

12. A Queens man is memorializing his lifelong friend, a plumber, by flushing his cremated remains down the toilets of baseball stadiums across the country. Or, more likely, a dead plumber thought he had a better friend.

13. On Tuesday, Venezuelan President Nicolas Maduro called for a rewrite of the country’s Constitution which he said would quell protests. “A president can do that?” asked Trump.

14. A woman in Florida was arrested for assaulting a man who refused to stop playing a xylophone. “Fuck,” said the officer who had to write up that police report.

15. On Monday, Secretary of Commerce, Wilbur Ross, referred to President Trump ordering the Syrian missile strike while eating at Mar-a-Lago as “after dinner entertainment.” Which is why I wanted Chris Christie to be president, because there’s never any after dinner entertainment when you can’t figure out when one meal ends and the next begins.

16. According to a White House official, Ivanka Trump will review some executive orders before her father signs them. And, in future news, President Trump has declared war on Nordstroms.

17. White House budget director Mick Mulvaney accused Democrats on Tuesday of trying to make President Trump look bad and added that a government shutdown fight be inevitable if they do not act better. Adding, “I swear to God I’ll turn this car around!”

18. Over the weekend, New Jersey Governor Chris Christie was spotted at a highway rest-stop waiting in line at a Cinnabon. So, my apologies to the people behind Christie in line who never even had a chance at getting a cinnamon bun.

19. Researchers have discovered the some female dragonflies pretend to be dead to avoid male dragonflies. “Trust me, I’ve tried,” said Melania.

20. In a recent interview, President Trump said he is both “a nationalist and a globalist.” I guess I never really looked at those hats close enough:

21. According to reports, President Trump reversed his position on NAFTA after his Secretaries of Commerce and Agriculture showed him a map of the U.S. and pointed out the areas that would be affected. Said Trump, “There’s a north Dakota, too!?!”

22. An Alabama woman claims she choked on a condom in her French toast at a local IHOP. Even worse, the condom was sticky, and she hadn’t even poured the syrup on yet.

23. Molly, a Jack Russell terrier, has undergone gender reassignment in a rare operation after vets discovered she was a hermaphrodite. As a result, Molly has no idea which fire hydrant to use in North Carolina.

24. The EPA removed most climate change information from its website Friday, saying in a press release that language on the website is being updated to “reflect the approach of new leadership.” Begging the question, can a website just be a fart noise.

25. Last week, a New York man in need of brake lines crashed his car into an auto parts store. As a result, there are only two Pep Boys now.

May 1, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. President Trump interrupted a recent interview with Reuters to hand out printed maps of the U.S. detailing his electoral college victory. I assume, because the painters are still working on the Oval Office mural:

2. Representative Jason Chaffetz said he will be absent from Congress as he recovers from foot surgery after falling off a ladder last week. He needed to get the surgery quickly, because under Trump’s new healthcare plan, owning the ladder is considered a pre-existing condition.

3. An Alabama woman claims she choked on a condom in her French toast at a local International House of Pancakes. Said fellow customer Paris Hilton, “I’ll have, what she’s having.”

4. A Dutch physical therapist turned inventor has developed a tailor-made pillow that he claims will solve any sleeping problems at a price of $57,000. And, you’re gonna need all the help you can get to fall asleep after you spend $57,000 on a fucking pillow.

5. Over the weekend, a couple got married at the Spam Museum in Minnesota. I’m assuming, because the Waldorf was all booked.

6. Molly, a Jack Russell terrier from Ireland, has undergone gender reassignment surgery after vets discovered she was a hermaphrodite. Marking the first time any dog owner has genuinely asked, “Who’s a good boy?”

7. Over the weekend, President Trump claimed to have invented the phrase ‘fake news.’ And if necessity truly is the mother of invention, technically he’s right.

8. A recent defector from North Korea says that being gay is completely unheard of in that country. Which explains why there are no good hairdressers there:

9. Pickle juice soda is now a thing. And it’s still only the second worst idea the Pepsi marketing department has ever had.

10. According to reports, during a recent meeting, German Chancellor Angela Merkel was forced to explain to President Trump eleven times how trade works with European countries. Trump was reportedly very interested in Europe’s exchange policy:

April 21, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. New England Patriot defensive end Alan Branch said he decided to skip going to the White House to meet President Trump on Wednesday because he “couldn’t shake his hand and look my daughters in the eye.” Said Trump, “Who looks their daughter in the eye?”:

2. A professional tennis match being played at the Sarasota Open in Florida Tuesday night was temporarily interrupted by the sounds of loud sex coming from a building nearby. That story again, the couple that lives in the apartment above mine is apparently on vacation in Florida.

3. This week, Sarah Palin ate dinner with President Trump at the White House and brought along Ted Nugent and Kid Rock. That story again, the White House relaxed its “no shoes, no shirt, no service” policy.

4. On Wednesday, Fox News fired Bill O’Reilly amid sexual harassment allegations from twelve women over the past fifteen years. So, if you’re ever wondered exactly how behind the times Fox New is, the answer is fifteen years.

5. The same day he was fired from Fox News, Bill O’Reilly was spotted in Vatican City shaking the Pope’s hand. And the two have a lot in common, they’re both celibate, although not from a lack of trying by one of them.

6. British tech entrepreneur Patrick Bergel became the first man to drive a car across the Antartic, completing the feat 100 years after his great-grandfather, explorer Ernest Shackleton, failed to cross the same continent on foot. Said Bergel, “I like to think, if my great-grandfather were alive to see this, he’d call me an incredible pussy for using a car.”

7. According to a new study, having frequent sex improves your memory. Which makes it even weirder that Anthony Weiner kept forgetting to delete his browser history.

8. Colorado is set to open the country’s first drive-thru marijuana store. Although, technically, not on purpose:

9. An Oregon man’s obituary claims he died peacefully after falsely being told by his family members that Donald Trump had been impeached. His last words were reportedly “Oh no, Mike Pence!”

10. Barack and Michelle Obama have been spotted vacationing on a yacht in Tahiti with Oprah, Tom Hanks and Bruce Springsteen. “That’s ridiculous, who waits until after their presidency to vacation?” said Trump from Mar-a-Lago.

11. A high school senior in Tennessee went skydiving in a tuxedo to ask his girlfriend to prom. And, considering his first two parachutes failed and he was able to pull the chord to the last one just in time, he may want to get those tuxedo pants laundered before prom.

12. Renata Rojas of New York is paying $105,000 to visit the wreckage of the Titanic. Although, if she’s interested in seeing a sinking ship, she could save a lot of money by getting a job in the Trump White House.

13. A stage parody of the hit show “Friends” is debuting off-Broadway this year. While a parody of the hit show “The West Wing” has been running for months in D.C.

14. The International Church of Cannabis is set to open its doors for the first time next week in Denver. And I have a hunch that won’t be the only international house of worship those patrons visit that day:

15. According to a new study, having a baby can wreck your marriage. ”It’s adorable that you think those things happen in that order,” said the South.

16. According to reports, President Trump has requested a gold-plated carriage ride with Queen Elizabeth when he makes his first official visit to Great Britain. Presumably because the Access Hollywood bus was already booked.

August 29, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. Everyday, Jose Luis Dominguez, a Mexico man walks his two kids, 7-year-old Luis and 8-year-old Kayla, across the U.S. border to school. Said Donald Trump, “That’s my nightmare, having to interact with my kids everyday.”

2. Three men in the U.K. are being charged with fraud after attemping to sell horsemeat as beef. Or, as Taco Bell refers to it, a solid business plan.

3. This year Arkansas Tech University is offering a new course entitled ‘How Not To Get Pregnant.’ Step one, don’t believe your cousin when he says he’s wearing a condom.

4. Charlie, a 6-year-old disabled black lab from Washington, had his special wheelchair stolen from his owner’s porch. But, on the plus-side, now he’s really mastered that ‘stay’ command.

5. Last week, Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump said people labeling him as a racist is “a tired argument.” And the last time something was labeled as a tired argument this campaign season, Ben Carson was still in the debates.

6. A new study has found that the more sex a person has the more selfless they tend to be. And, in related news, Paris Hilton has been named a saint.

7. Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump said on Saturday he would seek to develop a tracking system to ensure illegal immigrants who overstay their visas are removed from the United States. Said Trump, “Oh no, the beeping is coming from inside the house.”:

8. According to new research, adults with parents who lived longer lives have a lower risk for circulatory problems in middle-age. Which explains why Batman is on Lipitor.

9. A developer in upstate New York wants to build an IHOP on a Revolutionary War burial site. So, the South may rise again, but first it’s gonna unbutton its pants and sit here for a while.

10. Princeton University has banned all gender-based terminology like cleaning lady and handyman. Said Princeton students, “Gross, now I have to learn their names!?!”

November 9, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump hosted “Saturday Night Live” over the weekend. Which seemed like an odd choice since Rand Paul is actually living in a van down by the river.

2. Donald Trump’s appearance as host of “Saturday Night Live” over the weekend earned the TV comedy sketch show its highest viewership since 2012. This according to the ratings that came out Sunday and Donald Trump a month ago.

3. Last week, Republican presidential candidate Dr. Ben Carson released a new 60 second radio ad that uses rap music to try to appeal to black voters. It’s so bad that Macklemore has already put it on his next album.

4. Last week, Republican presidential candidate Dr. Ben Carson said he would like to have a beer with Jesus. So that settles it, Jesus is never coming back.

5. Former President George H.W. Bush has a new autobiography coming out entitled “Destiny and Power.” Said former President Bill Clinton, “You know Destiny, too?”

6. A large sinkhole opened up in a parking lot of a IHOP restaurant in Mississippi on Sunday. Or, more likely, after years of abuse, the parking lot outside of a Mississippi IHOP finally gave way.

7. Gunnar Hansen, the actor who terrorized moviegoers as the psychotic, chainsaw-wielding Leatherface in 1974’s “The Texas Chainsaw Massacre,” has died at 68. Beware, these things tend to happen in threes, first Joan Rivers, now Leatherface, watch your back Renee Zellweger.

8. Over the weekend, Universal announced intentions to make a live-action film version of “The Little Mermaid.” May I suggest Lindsay Lohan for the lead role, she’s a red-head, already smells like rotting fish and is very familiar with crabs.

9. Pope Francis has released a music album entitled “Wake Up!”, a selection of his public speeches set to music. The Pope went with “Wake Up!” because “Shake Ya Ass!” was already taken.

10. On Friday, Republican presidential candidate Ben Carson lashed out against the media after they questioned the validity of many of the claims the candidate made in the past. Carson said “You can’t trust everything the media says, especially if they are directly quoting me.”

November 2, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. Last week, the New York Times editorial board called on Chris Christie to drop out of the race for the White House, saying he has neglected his home state of New Jersey. Begging the question, if someone neglected New Jersey, how could you tell?

2. Health officials said on Saturday that twenty-two cases of E. coli infection have been traced to Chipotle restaurants in Oregon and Washington. “And I thought my job was bad before,” said the guy in charge of cleaning Chipotle’s bathrooms.

3. According to a new poll, a large percentage of millennials are chronically stressed about money. They are in so much debt, much like the millennials themselves, their bank accounts “can’t even.”

4. In an excerpt from his upcoming autobiography, Tiger Woods’ ex-caddy Steve Williams said, while working for the golfer, he felt like a slave. “Yeah, he’s into that sort of thing,” said numerous IHOP waitresses.

5. On Friday, the RNC dumped NBC News from sponsoring an upcoming debate following fallout over the debate conducted by media partner CNBC this week that was roundly criticized. Said Republican candidate Jeb Bush, “I don’t agree with the decision. I don’t think it’s fair to hold someone responsible for another’s acts just because they’re related.”

6. On Sunday, newly-elected Speaker of the House Paul Ryan said he has been trying to come up with ways to remove the smell of cigarettes from the speaker’s office that he took over from heavy-smoking John Boehner. “That’s nothing, you should have seen the Oval Office under a blacklight when I moved in,” said George W. Bush.

7. After allegations to the contrary, the head of the Russian Federal Soccer Association said the Russian team that successfully bid to host the 2018 World Cup had no knowledge of who would win until the vote was publicly announced. Said the Russian head, “We had no way of knowing whether any of the other countries out-bribed us.”

8. After last week’s heavily-critiziced CNBC debate, the campaign managers of many of the Republican presidential candidates met in Washington D.C. Sunday night to discuss how to ensure upcoming debates contain more substantive questions. Questions like “How do we deal with ISIS?” and “Who gave Bobby Jindal’s campaign manager this address?”

9. Georgia authorities are investigating how a group of inmates in a suburban Atlanta jail were able to make a rap music video using jailhouse equipment and then get it posted on social media. Which leads to the chilling realization that sending Macklemore to jail may not even stop him.

10. Today, Delaware Governor Jack Markell will pardon Samuel D. Burns, a free black who died in 1863, who was convicted of helping slaves escape to the North via the Underground Railroad. Said Markell, “We can relate to those slaves desires to escape their everyday lives because we spend every day in Delaware.”

Monologue Jokes – March 26, 2013

1. A self-styled healer was sentenced to 12 years and nine months in a jail on Friday after a Swiss court found the acupuncturist guilty of infecting 16 people with HIV. Okay, but how’s your neck?

2. A new national poll indicates that the percentage of Americans who say they have a family member who is gay is on the rise, a trend many have dubbed the “Rob Portman effect” named after the Republican senator who changed his view on gay marriage after his son came out. But maybe cool it with the naming things after him, he doesn’t need more reasons to hate his son. 

3. CBS apologized to its viewers on Sunday after receiving criticism for a recent “The Amazing Race” episode set in Vietnam featuring a segment that took place in Hanoi in front of a wrecked U.S. B-52 bomber. Which comes as a surprise to me because I just always assumed “The Amazing Race” was about white people. 

4. Oscar-winning actress Tilda Swinton is sleeping in a glass box at New York’s Museum of Modern Art as part of a performance piece. Because if anybody’s gonna be impressed by someone sleeping in a confined area it will be jaded New Yorkers who share studio apartments with four other roommates. That’s like bragging to an Eskimo that you keep your home thermostat at 65 degrees. 

5. Scientists plan to check toenail clippings from hundreds of people in Garfield, New Jersey, to determine if residents were exposed to a toxic metal linked to lung cancer. But hopefully this is just an elaborate plan to get New Jerseyans to groom themselves better. 

6. Scientists plan to check toenail clippings from hundreds of people in Garfield, New Jersey, to determine if residents were exposed to a toxic metal linked to lung cancer. Which begs the question would you rather examine toenail clippings of complete strangers or have lung cancer?

7. A series of car ads, including one showing women bound and gagged in the trunk of a Ford driven by former Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi, has prompted internet outrage in India and resulted in an apology from Ford India. When reached for comment, Berlusconi said, “If you can think of a better way to get underaged girls to my sex parties against their will, I’d love to hear it.”

8. A series of car ads, including one showing women bound and gagged in the trunk of a Ford driven by former Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi, has prompted internet outrage in India and resulted in an apology from Ford India. If that’s the case, they’re really gonna hate the one with Gandhi driving while eating a hamburger and texting. 

9. Grammy Award-winning singer Dionne Warwick has filed for bankruptcy in New Jersey, citing tax liabilities. That’s terrible, if only there were some people, like a group of friends or a friends network that could have foreseen this and warned Dionne that in the future she would be living in New Jersey. 

10. Yesterday, Tiger Woods won for the second time in three weeks to reclaim the number one spot in the World Golf Rankings. Somebody’s gonna be in a good mood, so expect some higher “tips” IHOP waitresses.