February 17, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. On Tuesday, President Obama said he continues “to believe that [Donald] Trump will not be president.” Said Trump, “Yeah, I plan on changing the title to Czar.”

2. Republican presidential candidate John Kasich has hired a former deputy White House press secretary for President George W. Bush as his top communications adviser. Because, as everyone knows, W was known as “the Great Communicatorer.”

3. Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz pledged on Tuesday to boost the size of the U.S. armed forces and invest in new airplanes and ships. Because, if Cruz’s personal history is any guide, if he’s elected president, we’re gonna make a lot of enemies.

4. During Saturday’s Republican presidential debate, Marco Rubio and Ted Cruz argued over which one of them could speak Spanish. While Donald Trump added two new names to his deportation list.

5. Last week Jeb Bush celebrated his 63rd birthday. Jeb closed his eyes, made a wish, blew out the candles and was disappointed, that when he opened his eyes, he was still running for president.

6. During a recent campaign stop, Donald Trump signed a toddler’s hand. And if you think having Donald on just your hand is bad, imagine what Melania has to go through.

7. A throat infection forced the 11th-hour cancellation of a Grammy show performance by pop star Rihanna. Which can only mean one thing, Chris Brown’s aim is getting worse.

8. New York City has plans to build its first streetcar line in more than 50 years, and it will run along the Brooklyn and Queens waterfront. Hipsters from Brooklyn will undoubtedly love the old-time feel, while people from Queens will love the opportunity to rob hipsters from Brooklyn.

9. New York City has plans to build its first streetcar line in more than 50 years. A New York City streetcar will finally answer the age-old subway question, what would it be like to ride in something that reeks of urine above ground.

10. Monday night’s Grammy awards drew its smallest TV audience in seven years. The award show drew such little interest that it could only book Mumford and Son.

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