March 16, 2020 – Monologue Jokes

1. Doctors who transplanted a complete penis onto a wounded soldier reported Wednesday that the man has regained near-normal erections and the ability to achieve orgasm more than one year after the surgery was completed. Said the soldier, “Please, just say normal erections.” 

2. A man was sentenced to thirty days in jail for posting a video of himself removing an ice cream container from a Texas market, licking the contents, and returning it to the freezer. “So I hear you like licking things,” said his cellmate.

3. Footwear company Crocs has announced a new collaboration with candy-maker Peeps to release brightly-colored clogs featuring chicks and bunnies for Easter. Hey, just because Jesus died for our sins doesn’t mean you should just walk around sinning.

4. This week, PGA Commissioner Jay Monahan said that Disneyland closing tis doors s prompted PGA Tour to do the same. And it’s not the first time golf has followed trends set by Disney:

5. Last week, Senator Ted Cruz announced that he will self-quarantine himself after interacting with an individual who tested positive for the novel coronavirus at the recent Conservative Political Action Conference. “Oh, man, I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy,” said people after hearing that someone interacted with Ted Cruz.

6. Earlier this month, singer Justin Bieber turned 26. Which is apparently that weird age where you look like both the victim and the pedophile:

7. It was announced last week that Hachette Book Group was considering publishing director Woody Allen’s memoir. Here’s a first look at the cover:

8. Last weekend, presidential candidate Bernie Sanders held a rally featuring the rap group Public Enemy and actor Dick van Dyke. The crowd was a little taken aback by all the swearing and then Pubic Enemy took the stage.

9. Last week, Harvey Weinstein’s lawyers said that he’ll die behind bars if sentenced to more than five years. Said the judge, “You promise?”

10. A New Mexico woman faces charges after police say she stole a car and later tried to claim she was Beyonce. Authorities became suspicious when they noticed that ‘Beyonce’ was driving a Kia Sorento.

11. The Cleveland Browns are increasing their efforts to help stop the spread of coronavirus by announcing a work-from-home policy. Which seems pointless, the Browns never show up on game day anyway.

12. Oscar-winning actor Tom Hanks announced on Twitter that he’s tested positive for the coronavirus. Good lord, not beloved character actor Tom Hanks, someone send the National Guard to Betty White’s house.

13. The Trump campaign has reportedly canceled a Women for Trump bus tour due to concerns over the coronavirus. Or, more likely, they realized that it probably wasn’t a great idea to remind women of Trump’ behavior on buses:

14. According to reports, President Trump’s campaign strategy is to paint his potential opponent, former Vice President Joe Biden, as senile. Said Joe, “I love painting!”

15. According to reports, President Trump’s campaign strategy is to paint his potential opponent, former Vice President Joe Biden, as senile. And, if history is any guide, you can do that by just giving him an opened umbrella:

16. According to research, a new type of therapy using feces and fake rubber hands may be able to help patients with obsessive compulsive disorder overcome their fears of touching contaminated surfaces. Which doesn’t seem like something we should be trying to cure right now.

17. Last week, students at Penn State held a candle-light vigil for a campus Taco Bell that’s closing. Marking the first time anyone has ever lit a candle before eating Taco Bell:

18. A new dating app has launched in the UK for men with penises that are smaller than the global average. It’s just like Tinder except you’re disappointed before you even meet the guy.

19. In response to price-gauging, New York state said they will be producing their own hand sanitizer. Word of caution, if you run into this man on the Q train, he does not work for the state and that’s not hand sanitizer he’s producing:

20. Donald Trump Jr. wants to debate Hunter Biden on who’s benefited more from their dads. It will be there first debate where legally every answer has to start with “Actually.”

November 4, 2019 – Monologues Jokes

1. The makers of the board game Clue have announced that the game’s next edition will be the first to feature a bathroom as a possible crime scene. As in, “Professor Plum, in the bathroom, one hour after eating Chipotle.” 

2. On Wednesday, President Trump and First Lady Melania Trump hosted trick-or-treaters at the White House and gave out full-sized Hershey bars. Or, at least, they looked full-size in Trump’s hands: 

3. According to a new study, construction workers are more likely to use cocaine than other profession. But I assume that’s because no one considers being a DJ a profession. 

4. Thursday night, President Trump said he is changing his primary residence from New York to Florida. He also added, “Please don’t tell Eric.”

5. Washington Redskins Pro Bowl tackle Trent Williams says he no longer trusts the organization after team doctors failed to detect a cancerous growth on his scalp. Wow, that’s terrible, I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy, having to play for the Redskins. 

6. Tiger Woods matched Sam Snead’s record of 82 PGA Tour victories when he won a golf tournament in Japan last week. The last time Tiger finished first in Asia, Asia had just gotten off her shift at the Waffle House. 

7. In a recent interview, singer Marie Osmond, of Donnie & Marie fame, admitted that when she was younger she thought she was gay. The biggest warning sign, she liked Donnie & Marie. 

8. Singer Lady Gaga recently tweeted “Fame is Prison.” “I’ll let you know if that’s an accurate comparison in a couple of weeks,” said Aunt Becky. 

9. Republican Senator Mitt Romney recently admitted to running a secret Twitter account under the alias ‘Pierre Delecto.’ And you gotta give it to him, it’s not easy to come up with a name stupider than Mitt Romney.

10. Democratic presidential candidate Bernie Sanders recently held a campaign rally in Queens that attracted more than 26,000 supporters. “We didn’t even realize 26,000 people lived in Queens,” said the Mets.

11. According to a new study, men who eat a heart-healthy diet may have better quality sperm than their peers who dine mostly on junk food. Yeah, no shit:

12. Last week, President Trump downplayed the possibility of throwing out the first pitch of a World Series game by saying, “They gotta dress me up in a lot of heavy armor. I’ll look too heavy. I don’t like that.” Begging the question, is he always wearing body armor?

13. According to a new report, doctors should always ask for a child’s consent before treating them. “But that just applies to doctors, right?” asked Jerry Sandusky.

14. The whistleblower whose complaint led to the impeachment inquiry against President Trump has offered to answer written questions from Republicans on the House Intelligence Committee. Questions like “How did you stand up to Trump?” and “What’s it like to have a backbone?”

15. In a recent interview, Kanye West said God rewarded him with a $68 million tax refund because he became a born-again Christian. “Yes, it’s definitely Jesus’s doing,” said his undoubtedly Jewish accountant.

16. In his new book, Donald Trump Jr. said his father, President Trump, can’t be racist because, as a kid, he was allowed to play video games with Michael Jackson. Or maybe, just maybe, your father hates spending time with you more than he hates black people.

17. This week, Charmin set up a new toilet paper-dispensing kiosk in an outdoor Manhattan park. Hey, Charmin, I beg of you, stop making it easier for New Yorkers to shit in public.

18. Last week Donald Trump Jr. participated in a ribbon-cutting ceremony for a new plaza in Arizona which was named in his honor. Said the people of Arizona, “President Trump has never been more relatable now that we too have disappointingly named something Donald Trump Jr.”

February 23, 2018 – Monologue Jokes

1. A University of Arizona male cheerleader was ejected for heckling an Arizona State player during a basketball game last week. The cheerleader said being singled out was the second most embarrassing moment of his life right behind being a male cheerleader.

2. Malaysia detained rapper Namewee on Thursday over an “obscene” Lunar New Year music video depicting people in dog masks dancing in what appears to be the administrative capital of Putrajaya. And, in related news, Macklemore remains completely free.

3. On Friday, the New Yorker reported that Playboy Playmate Karen McDougal once had an affair with Donald Trump. Because, apparently, there wasn’t an option C:

4. Facebook announced that it will start using postcards sent by mail later this year to verify the identities and location of people who want to purchase U.S. election-related advertising on its site. Seems like a fool-proof plan:

5. On Wednesday, the defending NBA champion Golden State Warriors announced that they will skip the traditional White House visit and spend time with needy kids in D.C. So at least someone will be spending time with Baron.

6. Swastikas and other graffiti were discovered at the Polish Embassy in Israel on Sunday. “Can I get the name of their interior decorator,” said Mel Gibson.

7. An Israeli company, which has developed a visual aid for the blind, has completed a funding round that values the company at $1 billion. A valuation that would only make sense if the company’s aid is a seeing eye-dog wrapped in 999,999,974 dollar bills.

8. A bill has been proposed in Iceland to ban non-medically required male circumcision. Said the country’s men, “We live in Iceland, ICE-land, we need all the length we can get.”

9. Fox News announced plans to introduce a subscription fee-based streaming service for ‘superfans.’ “How do I set up a streaming service?” asked your grandparents while pushing buttons on the microwave.

10. Fox News announced plans to introduce a subscription fee-based streaming service for “superfans.” Or, if you don’t want to pay the fee, you can just wait twenty minutes and read the stories word-for-word on Trump’s Twitter feed.

11. On Tuesday, golfer Tiger Woods was named vice-captain for the U.S. team in the upcoming Ryder Cup matches. Although, technically he was named captain, everyone just assumed the vice part:

12. It was discovered this week that a dating site for President Trump supporters used a sex offender as its model. The only way this could have been more on brand for Trump is if the site also allowed you to date your own daughter.

13. This week, the mayor of Dallas urged the NRA to find another city to host its annual convention. You know things have gotten pretty bad when Texas thinks you have too many guns.

14. On Tuesday, President Trump tried to discredit a woman who accused him of kissing her in Trump Tower by saying he would never do such a thing in a pubic place surrounded by security cameras.
Because if there’s one thing Trump is good at, it’s knowing when he’s being recorded:

15. While speaking to school shooting survivors at the White House on Wednesday, President Trump was photographed holding speaking notes that read “1. What would you most want me to know about your experience?” “2. What can we do to help you feel safe?” and “5. I hear you.” But that’s not surprising, Trump has a history of using notes to remember things:

16. A family version of the New England Patriots’ Super Bowl LI championship ring with “Brady” on it sold Sunday morning for $344,927. It’s the second time this year that Brady lost a ring:

17. According to a new study, excessive alcohol use could increase your risk for all types of dementia. That story again, drinking to forget your problems works!

18. Uber is dropping a legal appeal against the introduction of more stringent English language tests for drivers in London. Drivers that fail the test will move to New York City to become taxi drivers.

June 21, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. Yesterday, Costa Rican President Luis Guillermo Solis Rivera accidentally swallowed a wasp while speaking to reporters. Of course, the last time President Trump encountered a wasp he made her Secretary of Education:

2. Yesterday, Mattel unveiled a new line of Ken dolls, one of which, has a man bun. Just like the previous versions, this doll is not anatomically correct, but, thanks to the man bun, it no longer matters.

3. Megyn Kelly’s interview with conspiracy theorist Alex Jones, which aired on NBC Sunday night, got lower ratings than a rerun of ‘America’s Funniest Home Videos.’ Given the chance to watch people publicly embarrass and demean themselves on national TV, the public chose to watch ‘America’s Funniest Home Videos’ instead.

4. A trove of original Nazi artifacts, including a bust of Adolf Hitler and intricate wooden boxes designed with Swastikas, was discovered hidden in an art collectors home in Argentina. “That’s crazy,” said Steve Bannon, “why would you hide that stuff?”

5. According to a new survey, 39% of office workers admitted to masturbating while at work. And, according to one respondent, 100% of Oval Office workers:

6. People are reportedly sending hate mail to the wrong Shakespeare companies across the country, blaming them for the New York Public Theater’s controversial production of ‘Julius Caesar.’ And even less informed people are sending death threats to Shakespeare himself.

7. Last week, Beyonce gave birth to twins. Luckily she has ample experience supporting two free-loaders:

8. On Tuesday, Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell said Republicans will release the text of their healthcare bill tomorrow. Which can only mean one thing, they plan to vote on it today.

9. The PGA Tour said on Tuesday it will begin blood testing next season and will revise its list of banned substances. And, in a related story, Tiger Woods has retired from golf.

10. This week, NASA said it wants to send an expedition to Uranus to probe for gas. That story again, NASA is now run by six-year-olds.

December 11, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump on Thursday postponed his trip to Israel amid a controversy over his proposal to ban Muslims from entering the United States, saying he will take the trip “at a later date after I become president of the U.S.” In response, Israel has thrown its support behind Jeb Bush.

2. On Wednesday, Former boxing champion and devout Muslim Muhammad Ali said banning all Muslims from entering the U.S. is not the answer. That story again, a man who got punched in the head for a living still makes more sense than Donald Trump.

3. On Thursday, Yahoo CEO Marissa Mayer gave birth to identical twin girls. I wanted to see pictures of the newborns, so I typed “twin girls” into Yahoo and, an hour-and-a-half later, I was late for work.

4. Facebook at Work, Facebook’s professional version of its social network, is expected to launch in the coming months. Because that was the problem, not enough people using Facebook at work.

5. Facebook at Work, Facebook professional version of its social network, is expected to launch in the coming months. It’s perfect for anyone who likes LinkedIn but wished it had more pictures of other peoples’ kids.

6. Houston Texans defensive end J.J. Watt broke his hand in practice on Thursday but said he will play this Sunday against the New England Patriots. Meanwhile, I got a paper-cut and called in sick to work today.

7. World number three golfer Rory McIlroy is recovering after undergoing laser eye surgery to correct his vision. Although, seeing three cups when putting seemed to work out well for John Daly.

8. Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu’s recently adopted dog Kaiya bite two visitors at an event on Wednesday. But, in Kaiya’s defense, she’s just practicing for when Trump finally arrives.

9. Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia raised eyebrows on Wednesday with a comment he made during the court’s hearing of an affirmative action case, in which he seemed to suggest some African-Americans belong in lesser colleges. But, in Scalia’s defense, he is an old man, full of hate.

10. This week, presidential candidate Jeb Bush said it is important for him to let voters know that his religious beliefs contribute to his decision making. Begging the question, when is God gonna tell him to stop running for president?

11. A forensic scientist has come up with a composite of what Kim Kardashian and Kanye West’s new baby boy will look like in seven years. The composite proves one thing for sure, there’s a lot of down time when you’re a forensic scientist.

12. On Tuesday, Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton took some time off from the campaign trail to shop for Christmas presents in Iowa. Because there’s no better insurance that your friends and family won’t want to return their Christmas presents if they have to go to Iowa to do so.

13. A Nevada politician last week released a Christmas card featuring her whole family, including her five-year-old son, holding guns. So, if they ask for some figgy pudding, you better have some figgy pudding.

14. This week, Lionsgate announced that they will release a prequel to their popular “Hunger Games” movies, which take place in a dystopian future. The prequel will just be documentary of Trump running for president.

15. On Tuesday, a spokesperson for the U.N. said Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump’s proposed ban on Muslims entering the U.S. was “grossly irresponsible.” Although, if history has proven anything, it’s that Donald Trump doesn’t stop once someone calls him “gross.”

16. Last week, an unidentified suspect threw a brick through the window of a bookstore in Denver named “ISIS Books” even though it has no affiliation with the terrorist group. While people in Alabama continue to throw bricks through bookstore windows regardless of store names.

17. A Wisconsin toy store owner has bought all of the tickets for an opening night screening of the latest “Star Wars” movie at a local theater. It combines his two favorite things, “Star Wars” and avoiding any and all human interaction.

18. Uruguayans will be able to choose from three varieties of state-sanctioned cannabis when marijuana starts being sold in pharmacies next year. Because if there’s anything stoners are good at, it’s making decisions.

19. Republican presidential candidate Jeb Bush hinted that, if nominated, he would pick a woman as his running mate. My guess, he’ll probably pick that fat lady who keeps following him around and singing.

20. Professional soccer players across Brazil folded their arms and stood still for a short time at the start of end of season matches on Sunday to protest against alleged corruption. Begging the question, what have Cleveland Browns players been protesting for the past twenty years?

July 7, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. Over the weekend, singer Billy Joel, 66, married long-time girlfriend, Alexis Roderick, 34. Said Joel, “I’m at a stage in my life where I want to settle down and have a permanent designated driver.”

2. Over the weekend, singer Billy Joel, 66, married long-time girlfriend, Alexis Roderick, 34. Roderick is hoping that not only the good die young.

3. Amid a growing financial crisis, Greek banks will stay closed for another two days to avoid running out of cash. Turns out building a culture around breaking kitchen plates for no reason was a bad idea.

4. On Monday, Susannah Mushatt Jones of Alabama, the world’s oldest person, turned 116. Jones was born in 1899 and has seen a lot of change in her lifetime, except for in South Carolina.

5. Today Hillary Clinton will give the first nationally televised interview of her presidential campaign. To see the interview in its entirety, tune into CNN, and to see clips taken wildly out of context, tune into FoxNews.

6. Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton accused China on Saturday of stealing commercial secrets and trying to “hack into everything that doesn’t move in America.” “Oh, Fuck!” said Chris Christie.

7. After days of outrage, Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump said on Monday that some of his criticism of Mexico has been distorted. Adding, “I also hate Puerto Ricans, too!”

8. A new U.S. study found that weight screenings in high schools were not enough to get overweight and obese kids on track toward a healthier weight. “Don’t worry, we’ll take it from here,” said bullies.

9. According to a new survey, many doctors and nurses come to work sick even though they knew it puts patients at risk. Also, it’s great for drumming up repeat business.

10. After 24-year-old golfer Danny Lee won the PGA’s Greenbrier tournament on Sunday, he said he was happy to win, but “my one wish is that I had a girlfriend.” Which explains why his grip on his clubs was so strong.

February 6, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. According to experts, Tom Brady will have to pay $22,000 in gift tax if he wants to give the truck he was awarded as SuperBowl MVP to SuperBowl hero Malcolm Butler. Begging the question, how much tax did Pete Carroll have to pay for gift wrapping that game to the Patriots.

2. Conrad Hilton, the younger brother of Paris Hilton, allegedly threatened fight attendants on a British Airways flight last summer, using profanity, smoking in the bathroom and calling other passengers “peasants.” But you’d be angry too if you were literally the only guy in the world Paris Hilton won’t fuck.

3. A barber in Georgia has gained a level of notoriety for offering to parents of troublesome boys a haircut that makes the kid look like he is balding prematurely. Prior to this, the barber was best known for being LeBron James’ hairstylist.

4. Yesterday, Speaker of the House John Boehner said that Pope Francis will address a joint session of Congress on September 24th, marking the first time a pope has delivered such a speech. Because, apparently, fuck the separation of church and state.

5. On Thursday, Swatch announced that it will launch a smart watch in the next two to three months. Because if anyone needs a little extra help in the intelligence department it’s people who wear Swatches.

6. Yesterday, a judge urged transvaginal mesh makers and the women suing them to work harder to resolve the thousands of open lawsuits. Said the judge, “My stomach can’t take too much more of this testimony.”

7. Tiger Woods withdrew from the opening round of the Farmers Insurance Open on Thursday after 11 holes, citing back pain. Proving what all sex addicts know, if you’re gonna swing hard, you better pull out.

8. On Thursday, Pope Francis said he is a disaster with technology and does not know how to use a computer. So, bad news, that probably wasn’t the real Pope you met on Tinder.

9. According to a new survey, first-year college students are studying more and partying less. You can read more about this survey in the latest issue of “Lies College Students Tell Their Parents Weekly.”

10. In a Q&A session earlier this week, Kim Kardashian said she would like to take a selfie with Jesus. And, if that did happen, it would probably give new meaning to the phrase “He has risen.”

11. On Wednesday, U.S. Surgeon General Vivek Murthy, the country’s top doctor, said that medical marijuana can help some patients. While the remaining patients are real buzz-kills.

12. A group of PGA Tour caddies have filed a class-action lawsuit demanding that the tour compensate them for wearing the requiring sponsored bibs while on the course. Watching the outcome of this case closely, the E-Trade baby.

13. On Friday, paleontologists discovered a 50-foot “dragon” dinosaur species in China. Either that or someone just didn’t clean up after a Chinese New Year parade.

14. Republican presidential hopeful Mike Huckabee says expecting Christians to accept same-sex marriage is “like asking someone who’s Jewish to start serving bacon wrapped shrimp in their deli.” But, if you ask me, it sounds like someone’s just trying to get a sandwich named after himself.

15. Over the weekend, singer Justin Timberlake and actress wife Jessica Biel announced that they are expecting their first child. Which explains why, for the past ten years, Joey Fatone has been carrying that extra baby weight.

16. This week Johnny Depp married his girlfriend Amber Heard in their L.A. home. It was a traditional marriage, the priest even asked Heard if she “took this man, for better or worse, in sickness and in health, in good times and Mordecai.”

17. Earlier this week, New Jersey Governor Chris Christie departed on a weeklong, goodwill trip to the United Kingdom. Where I assume he will learn all the intricacies of shutting down bridges from the left side of the road.

18. After a British investigation, search engine Google has agreed to better inform users how it handles their personal information. Said Google, “Poorly. We handle it poorly.”

19. A new report shows that half of the dogs in the U.S. are overweight. Which explains why modern doggie doors are just regular doors.

20. Last week, Mary Cheney, the daughter of former Vice President Dick Cheney asked why a man can dress up as a women to entertain an audience, but a white person can’t get on stage in blackface. The answer is history, Mary, because of history.

January 15, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. A recent Delta flight from Cleveland to New York took off with just two passengers. Yet somehow when the second passenger got on board all the overhead compartments were already full.

2. The Milwaukee Brewers are offering fans the chance to buy a $1,000 “Timeless Ticket” redeemable to attend any game in the future. The only downside, it has to be a Brewers game.

3. According to reports, Mitt Romney is purportedly putting his 2012 election team back together. Said his former campaign manager, “I’m so happy I didn’t throw out these binders full of women.”

4. On Tuesday, Mexican billionaire Carlos Slim became the largest shareholder of the New York Times. Slim said he intends to leave the newspaper largely unchanged except from now on the Accent section will just be him reading the front page.

5. According to new research, abuse of opiate-based prescription painkillers such as oxycodine and morphine are on the decline in the U.S. “You’re welcome,” said meth.

6. The New York Jets’ announcement that it had hired former Arizona Cardinals defensive coordinator Todd Bowles as its next head coach was met with a less than enthusiastic response yesterday. Yet no one was more disappointed in the news than Todd Bowles.

7. Yesterday, President Obama called Urban Meyer to congratulate the Ohio State head coach on his team’s upset victory over Oregon in the first College Football Playoff Championship. Said Barack, “Urban, I know what it’s like to be an underdog who critics say can’t possibly live up to the hype, but what’s it like to actually follow through?”

8. Volunteers are searching a wooded area north of Seattle for a missing wallaby who bounded away from its crate during a transfer to a local petting zoo last week. But, if it’s anything like Seattle’s last residents who were fond of jumping and went missing, it will turn up in Oklahoma City.

9. Yesterday, the GOP announced that it will choose a presidential candidate in July of 2016, a full month before it traditionally decided. Republican leaders said they needed the extra time to reenforce the convention stage in case Christie gets the nomination.

10. Little-known American golfer Bhavik Patel has been banned by the PGA Tour after violating its anti-doping policy on the use of performance enhancing substances. Tour officials became suspicious of Patel when his golf ball exploded upon impact.

October 31, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. On Wednesday, a Florida man broke the record for the biggest and most expensive Starbucks drink by ordering a 101-shot latte that cost him $83.75. Even more impressive, he set the same record in California the next day and got there by running.

2. The FTC on Thursday fined UK-based JDI Dating for using fake computer generated profiles to trick users into upgrading to paid memberships online. Officials became suspicious when all the people in the fake profile pictures had good teeth.

3. On Thursday, police in Alabama found a suspected drug dealer who has hiding in tall grass near his home thanks to the man’s dog whose tail could be seen wagging enthusiastically above the weeds. Said the man, “Zoinks!”

4. On Wednesday, an unmanned spaceship loaded with supplies and destined for the International Space Station, exploded seconds after lift off. Officials in charge are confident that the next launch will go off without a hitch as they are currently training their rocket to think about baseball.

5. The government of Cuba is encouraging citizens to have more children because the country has the lowest number of newborns in Latin America. Although, judging by the Hispanic families I’ve seen, that’s still probably a lot of children.

6. Former President George W. Bush will be going on a promotional tour for his new book “41.” Bush said he is excited to finally see what the inside of a book store looks like.

7. The embattled police chief of Ferguson, Missouri, told CNN on Thursday that he has no intention of stepping down. Although he does plan on doing a lot of ducking.

8. On Thursday, Apple CEO Tim Cook publicly acknowledged for the first time that he is gay. What are the odds that the Apple CEO who was obsessed with design and constantly wore turtlenecks wouldn’t be the gay one.

9. According to a new analysis, the greatest impact in curbing the spread of Ebola in West Africa would come from insuring safe burials for all victims. As a result, the next “Weekend at Bernie’s,” “Bernie Does Africa” has been cancelled.

10. A group of Florida police officers had to call in a prisoner transport van while arresting a 500 pound man because he was too large to fit into a standard patrol car. Officials say if he is ultimately found guilty he may be sentenced to the electric sofa.

11. Nestle will enlist a thousand humanoid robots to sell its coffee makers at electronics stores across Japan. Or, as it’s being reported in the robot world, humans forcing us to sell our friends.

12. A U.S. Department of Homeland Security official who ran an investigation of the prostitution scandal involving Secret Service agents in Columbia in 2012 resigned after he was suspected of visiting a prostitute in Florida. So either he’s a hypocrite or really dedicated to that investigation.

13. The University of North Carolina said on Wednesday that students will now be prohibited from traveling to Africa over Ebola-related fears. But, on the plus-side, UNC students will no longer have to have that awkward conversation explaining to Africans what a Tarheel is.

14. The presidents of Israel and Poland took a joint guided tour of a new museum of Jewish life on Tuesday that highlighted Poland’s flourishing Jewish community before World War II. Although the tour became a little awkward right at the beginning and then all the way until the end.

15. A pristine copy of Action Comics No. 1, containing the origin story of Superman, which sold for more than $3.2 million, has been scanned online and is free for anyone to read. I can’t imagine anyone online would be interested in such a thing … oh it broke the the internet?

16. Nina Pham, the nurse who contracted Ebola in Dallas, but has been given a clean bill of health, met with and hugged President Obama yesterday in the Oval Office. “Yeah, that one’s on us,” said the Secret Service.

17. A Senator from Oregon supports recreational marijuana use and will vote “yes” on a state initiative next week that would legalize it. The weed will undoubtedly ease the pain of everyone’s family and oxen dying of dysentery on the way to Oregon.

18. President Obama will award a Civil War officer the Medal of Honor, the highest U.S. award for bravery, 151 years after he was killed at the Battle of Gettysburg. Said Obama, “Just checking again, which side did he fight for?”

19. Walmart has come under fire for a section on its website they labeled “Fat Girl Halloween Costumes.” Walmart apologized for its mistake and changed the title to “Slutty Fat Girl Halloween Costumes.”

20. PGA of America President Ted Bishop was removed from office on last week for “insensitive gender-biased statements” he posted on social media. Now comes the hard part, finding another old white guy who loves golf to replace him.

September 23, 2013 – Monologue Jokes

1. Chancellor Angela Merkel won a landslide victory in a German election on Sunday, putting her within reach of the first absolute majority in parliament in half a century. And what could go wrong by giving one person absolute majority power in Germany?

2. U.S. authorities have seized ice-cream waffle cones from a food storage facility in Virginia after inspectors found a widespread rodent and insect infestation on the premises. So maybe those weren’t sprinkles.

3. Yesterday, Swedish golfer Henrik Stenson won the Tour Championship, taking over the number one spot in the FedEx rankings and earning a $10 million payday. Stenson took the top ranking from Tiger Woods, but luckily Woods has ample experience losing millions of dollars to a blonde from Sweden.

4. China’s richest man, property developer Wang Jianlin, unveiled a planned $8.2 billion “motion-picture city” which is described as the biggest ever single investment in the movie and television industry. Although it seems like a bad investment since Jianlin refused to take my advice and make the city Godzilla-proof.

5. Pop singer Selena Gomez was forced to cancel two concerts in Russia after violating new visa rules which critics say are being used to keep out Western artists who promote gay rights. So Putin’s hard-line stance on gay rights does have some positives effects.

6. Pop singer Selena Gomez was forced to cancel two concerts in Russia after violating new visa rules which critics say are being used to keep out Western artists who promote gay rights. So enjoy Limp Bizkit, Russia.

7. A Venezuelan state agency on Friday ordered the temporary takeover of a factory that produces toilet paper in what it called an effort to ensure consistent supplies after embarrassing shortages earlier this year. So if you’re planning a trip to Venezuela any time soon, maybe go with the fist-bump instead of the handshake while there.

8. After going missing for over 75 years, the first U.S. film to warn about the dangers of Adolf Hitler’s Nazi regime has been found in a Brussels archive. While the first U.S. film to glorify Adolf Hitler’s Nazi regime is still locked away safely in Mel Gibson’s personal archive.

9. On Friday, New York City’s Department of Health and Mental Hygiene said that its new $316 million headquarters in the borough of Queens is infected with bed bugs. Despite that, it is still the cleanest thing in Queens.

10. Nike co-founder Phil Knight announced he was donating half a billion dollars to the Oregon Health & Science University’s cancer research institute. Which seems like a noble endeavor, but it should be noted that the mission of the institute is to give cancer to Nick Saban.

11. 83-year-old, billionaire investor George Soros wed for the third time over the weekend, this time to 42-year-old girlfriend Tamiko Bolton. Said Bolton, “And now it’s a waiting game.”

12. 83-year-old, billionaire investor George Soros wed for the third time over the weekend, this time to 42-year-old girlfriend Tamiko Bolton. I get the feeling that the cane Soros used to walk down the aisle wasn’t the only thing that was “iron-clad.”