May 14, 2020 – Monologue Jokes

1. Queen guitarist Brian May was hospitalized last week after tearing hit buttock muscles while gardening. Said May, “Please tell people I have coronavirus.” 

2. The European Space Agency said this week that human urine could one day be used to make concrete to build structures on the Moon. So, from now, please refer to him as astronaut R Kelly:

3. Actor Hafthor Bjornsson, who played The Mountain in ‘Game of Thrones,’ set a deadlift world record by lifting 1,104 pounds. Breaking the old record of 1,054 pounds held by Dame Judi Dench: 

4. According to a new survey, almost 70% of married couples say they learned something new about their partner during quarantine. Said Donald to Melania, “We have a kid?!?!?!”

5. Florida Governor Ron DeSantis referred to his state as ‘God’s waiting room’ during a coronavirus press briefing last week. “Not so fast” said Georgia: 

6. Last week, Jada Pinkett Smith said even though she’s been married to Will Smith for 23 years, being quarantined with him made her realize she doesn’t know him at all. Said Pinkett Smith, “Did you know he doesn’t even have an uncle named Phil?”

7. Approximately 300,000 coronavirus masks sent to pregnant women in Japan as part of a government handout have been found to be faulty. Said the pregnant women, “Faulty protection is how we got into this mess to begin with.” 

8. German doctors are posing naked to protest protective equipment shortages. And I think I speak for everyone when I say, don’t get any ideas Dr. Phil:

9.  Last week, Carnival Cruise Line bookings shot up by 600% when they announced that they would return to the high seas on August 1 after months of coronavirus lockdown.  It’s gonna be weird in fifty years, when people want to compare something to a complete disaster and, instead of saying the Titanic, they reference the Goofy II.

10. Last week, an asparagus reader predicted that President Trump will be re-elected and impeached again. Laugh if you will, but she’s always been 100% accurate when she predicted that my pee was gonna smell.

11. After his personal valet tested positive for coronavirus, President Trump said he will undergo the COVID-19 testing every day. Said the man who administered the test by inserting a long swab into Trump’s nose, “I’ve never felt less resistance.” 

12. Last week, the creator of the dystopian tv series ‘Black Mirror’ said the world is too bleak right now for a sixth season of his show. And yet somehow ‘Fuller House’ is allowed to go on as planned.

13. Last Sunday, President Trump answered questions during a virtual town hall on FoxNews staged in front of the Lincoln Memorial. Trump’s answers were so nonsensical that halfway through the interview Lincoln stood up and walked out.

14. In California, a trio of suspected thieves was arrested trying to steal thirty-one rolls of toilet paper, thirty-two towels, and four sets of bed sheets. And no one was more angry about the arrests than the thieves’ wives who sent them out to pick up a few things:

15. During a segment on ‘Good Morning America’, the CEO of the Dolphins revealed mock ups of new entrances to their stadium that will help people adhere to social distancing guidelines. Here’s what those mock ups look like:

16. Last Thursday night, between 7pm and 7:30pm, JetBlue conducted a flyover of Manhattan, Queens, and the Bronx to salute healthcare reporters. Not to be confused with the flyover that occurred between 7:30pm and 10pm, which was JetBlue circling LaGuardia waiting to land.

17. According to a recent survey, women in New York find the Cuomo brothers more attractive than the Jonas brothers. “Alright, but what if we get rid of Kevin,” said the other two Jonas brothers:

18. According to Variety, actor Nicolas Cage will play Joe Exotic in an upcoming TV series about the eclectic zookeeper. Said Cage showing up on the first day of shooting with a mullet, dressed in a cowboy hat and a leopard print sleeveless shirt, “Okay, so what’s this Joe Exotic guy look like?”

19. French researchers are preparing to launch a human trial to test their hypothesis that nicotine can help the body combat coronavirus. That story again, Keith Richards is going to live forever.

20. Last weekend, Secretariat won a virtually Kentucky Derby race. Unfortunately the horse that finished in last place, Seattle Slew, was made into virtual glue.

November 25, 2019 – Monologue Jokes

1. According to a recent article, Mayor Pete Buttigieg only packed four shirts for his bus tour around Iowa. And when he says he only packed four shirts, he means it:

2. President Trump reportedly screened ‘The Joker’ last weekend at the White House for family and friends. “Wow, that was scary,” said Trump after seeing the Joker take on that many steps:

3. A 39-year-old Texas man living with his mom allegedly killed his mom’s dog because he couldn’t have sex in her house. Said the man, “If I can’t fuck that dog, no one can.”

4. Actress Emma Watson recently said she prefers to call herself “self-partnered” rather than single. Although has she considered that maybe she’s single because she insists on referring to herself as self-partnered?

5. Actress Emma Watson recently said she prefers to call herself “self-partnered” rather than single. I once got kicked out of an Applebees in Sheboygan for self-partnering myself.

6. In a statement released last week, White House press secretary Stephanie Grisham claimed that the recently released testimony shows there is “even less evidence for the impeachment inquiry.” Then she added, “Oh wait, I was holding it upside-down…oh, dear lord!”

7. Last week singer Justin Bieber released an all-natural, vegan deodorant called “Here & Now.” Because apparently after sucking in the medium of sound for so long, Bieber is now wants to destroy our sense of smell as well.

8. Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos is reportedly interested in purchasing a professional football team. “Professional? Well, that rules us out,” said the Dolphins.

9. Apple announced this week that it is aiming to launch its augmented-reality headset in 2022. “Sooner!” said people looking around at reality in 2019.

10. President Trump was not boo’d when he was shown on the Jumbotron during a University of Alabama football game last weekend. But that’s only because it’s early in the semester and the Bama students haven’t gotten to the letter ‘B’ yet:

11. According to President Trump, one of the first things world leaders do when meeting him is congratulate him on the U.S. economy. As opposed to the first thing President Trump does, which is ask them to investigate Hunter Biden.

12. According to a new poll, 56% of people use the internet to diagnosis themselves. Said Eric Trump, “Turns out I have a pretty severe case of ‘error 404 not found.’”

13. The start of the second half of Saturday’s Harvard-Yale football game was delayed by nearly an hour after a number of spectators came out of the stands and rushed the field to protest climate change. Officials became suspicious when they noticed there were spectators in the stands. 

14. On Sunday, actor Tom Hanks found out that he’s related to Mister Rogers. That story again, Mister Rogers fucked.

15. Billionaire former New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg put his name on Democratic primary ballots in Texas on Wednesday. They say everything is bigger in Texas, which is great news for Bloomberg: 

16. Coldplay will not tour to promote their new album due concerns over the pollution caused by tour buses and private jets. So maybe global warming isn’t so bad.

17. A drunk man allegedly groped a woman on a flight while his young son was sitting next to him. But, on the plus side, at least Trump is hanging out with Barron now.

18. According to a new report, scientists have found a place in Ethiopia where life cannot exist due to its extreme environment. That story again, Africa has its own Detroit.

19. According to a new study, teens have a higher likelihood of using marijuana if their parents use the drug. When asked if he wanted his kids to smoke marijuana, singer Willie Nelson said, “I have kids?”

20. According to a recent story, a Hollywood movie studio executive once suggested that Julia Roberts play the role of Harriet Tubman. But in the exec’s defense, I assume Helen Mirren was busy.

October 21, 2019 – Monologue Jokes

1. According to a new study, owning a dog is tied to lowering your risk of dying early by 24%. Counterpoint:

2. This week, NASA astronauts Jessica Meir and Christina Koch conducted the first all-female spacewalk. On a congratulatory call, President Trump praised them as “brave, brave women,” while Vice President Pence said “you’re still too close.” 

3. This week, the Paris zoo unveiled an unusual organism, nicknamed ‘the blob,’ which can heal itself and has 720 sexes. “A gross amorphous creature that has a lot of sex, nicknamed ‘the blob’? You’ll be hearing from my lawyers,” said Harvey Weinstein.

4. In a recent interview, Packers legend Brett Favre said he believes he stayed in the NFL too long. He said the warning signs included constant headaches, significant memory loss, and agreeing to be the Jets quarterback:

5. According to a recent report, concussions increased by 44% during this year’s NFL preseason. But, on the plus-side, that means around half of the Miami Dolphins won’t remember this season. 

6. A Florida man was reportedly arrested last week for trying to get an alligator drunk after his pals captured the reptile. Even worse, that gator was their designated driver.

7. Last week, a man walked 351 miles to have sex with a 14-year-old girl who turned out to be an undercover cop. So ladies, he’s single and into fitness.

8. Australia recently refused entry to a Vietnamese woman for failing to declare 22 pounds of raw pork, seafood and poultry upon her arrival in Sydney. “Where were you guys eleven hours ago?” said the guy who sat next to her on the plane ride over. 

9. Temperatures in Colorado plunged 64 degrees on Thursday last week. The last time the temperature dropped that quickly, Ann Coulter walked into the room. 

10.  Native New Yorker Alec Baldwin got scammed by a ticket seller in New York City. Oh no, did he get tricked into attending a live taping of the new “Match Game”?:

11. Actor Jonah Hill reportedly turned down an offer to play the Penguin in the upcoming Batman movie. Apparently Jonah rejected the role because he didn’t want to lose weight. 

12. The Trump White House on Tuesday rejected an impeachment inquiry launched by Democrats in the House of Representatives as “constitutionally invalid.”. But, on the plus-side, that means this administration has at least heard of the Constitution.

13. An Oklahoma woman is recovering after she was shot in the leg when her dog stepped on a loaded handgun. Said Rover, “No. You fetch!”

14. According to a new report, nearly two-thirds of North American birds will go extinct due to global warming. “Good,” said President Trump:

15. President Trump said on Thursday he does not know the two associates of his personal lawyer Rudy Giuliani who were arrested, even if they are in a picture with him. Which is true, just because they are in a picture with him, doesn’t mean Donald knows them, for instance, he has no idea who these people are:

16. According to prosecutors, the two associates of Rudy Giuliani who were arrested last week, had purchased one-way airline tickets out of the U.S. “So there are at least two open seats on that flight?” asked Mike and Karen Pence.

17. According to CNN, Rudy Giuliani is still the President’s attorney but will not be dealing with matters involving Ukraine. So it’s back to the basics for Giuliani, paying off pornstars.

18. Newly revealed court documents allege that actor Cuba Gooding Jr asked a stranger to “sit on [his] face and pee in [his] mouth” after groping her. But, on the plus-side, at least this time he asked first.

September 23, 2019 – Monologue Jokes

1. A documentary about alleged sexual abuse by Michael Jackson won an Emmy on Saturday. In response, the estate of Michael Jackson said the late singer would be horrified by the award, mainly because it wasn’t a Kid’s Choice Award. 

2. According to a new report, Triple Crown winning horse Justify failed a drug test last year and should not have been allowed to run in the Kentucky Derby. As a result, officials have given the rescinded the first place trophy and awarded to the runner-up:

3. A Pennsylvania couple is facing felony theft charges after their bank accidentally put $120,000 in their account, and the couple spent it instead of contacting the bank. Yikes, if spending money you didn’t earn is illegal, the starting lineup for the New York Knicks better lawyer up.

4. According to a recent article, DC comics is planning to introduce a black Batman. And of course his alter ego, Bruce Wayans:

5. When asked why his administration plans to weaken federal rules that force Americans to energy-efficient light bulbs, President Trump said he is not a fan of the bulbs because, “I always look orange.” So fair warning he’s probably coming after you next mirrors.

6. A Six Flags theme park in Maryland has announced a new promotion in which visitors spend 30 hours inside a coffin to win a pair of season passes. “I won what contest now?” said Stephen Miller.

7. Last week, reporters asked President Trump and the First Lady what they told their teenage son Baron about vaping. Melania said it was “dangerous and could lead to death,” while Donald said “I have a teenage son?”

8. This week, Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau publicly apologized for wearing blackface on multiple occasions in his past. And to demonstrate that his apology was sincere and heartfelt, he made the announcement in sad blackface.

9. Last week, Scientists from the Massachusetts Institute of Technology discovered the blackest black ever. “Get MIT on the phone,” yelled Justin Trudeau to his secretary. 

10. Following her rally in New York Monday night, Senator Elizabeth Warren spent four taking selfies with supporters. So did New York City mayor Bill de Blasio, but only because it took him four hours to find a supporter to take a selfie with. 

11. President Trump awarded the Presidential Medal of Freedom to record-setting reliever Mariano Rivera on Monday. That story again, a New York institution was awarded a medal by a New Yorker who should be institutionalized.

12. British police on Friday arrested a man suspected of hacking famous music acts to steal unreleased songs and sell them for cryptocurrency. They also arrested the Spice Girls for releasing their own music.

13. The University of Alabama is penalizing students for leaving college football games before the beginning of the fourth quarter. But, in their defense, they’re from Alabama, there’s a good chance they thought there were only three quarters.

14. This week, Hilaria Baldwin announced she is pregnant again, it will be her fifth child with husband Alec Baldwin. And I think I speak for everyone when I say, Alec, leave that poor woman alone.

15. President Donald Trump named Robert O’Brien on Wednesday as his latest White House national security adviser, picking an experienced negotiator who has worked to secure the release of hostages. “He got my letters!” said an enthusiastic Melania.

16. The world’s first vagina museum is set to open in London. The price of admission is two dinners and a weekend upstate at a cozy bed and breakfast.

17. According to reports, a whistleblower complaint has been filed against President Trump alleging he made inappropriate comments while on the phone with the President of Ukraine. No word on whether President Trump will face consequences, but for some reason Billy Bush was fired again.

18. In a recent interview, former Detroit Lions wide receiver Calvin Johnson said he smoked marijuana after every game of his NFL career. “Oh, after, that’s much smarter,” said the entire roster of the New York Jets.

19. An American Airlines flight was forced to make an unscheduled stop after a male passenger became unruly, punching seats, yelling at other passengers and smoking cigarettes. Or, as Shia Labeouf calls it, a career.

May 11, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. According to a new report, more older couples are living together without getting married. No surprise, why buy the cow when you’re getting the curdled milk for free.

2. Late Tuesday night, to avoid reporters, press secretary Sean Spicer reportedly hid in the bushes outside the White House. Not to be outdone, Attorney General Jeff Sessions has been living in a tree for years:

3. An MMA fight in London was called after a fighter continuously ran away from his opponent. So chalk up another ‘no decision’ for Chris ‘Can’t We Just Talk This Out’ Simmons.

4. Wildlife officials in Florida are warning residents not to approach a family of monkeys that appears to have moved into the neighborhood. “You don’t have to tell us twice, we don’t want to catch anything,” said the monkeys.

5. A man in Britain intentionally slept next to his wife’s dead body in one bed for six days. Coincidentally, ‘over my dead body’ is also the only way Melania said she would ever sleep in the same bed as Donald.

6. According to a new study, little kids who have a consistent bedtime and limited screen time may get better at regulating their emotions. You don’t say:

7. The White House said on Wednesday that President Trump is considering four individuals to serve as the interim replacement for fired FBI Director James Comey. Here’s a look at Trump’s exhaustive process:

8. President Trump said on Wednesday he fired FBI Director James Comey because “he wasn’t doing a good job.” Adding, “But you can’t be impeached for that, right?”

9. The Kremlin on Wednesday said it hoped that the firing of FBI Director James Comey would not affect Moscow’s ties in Washington. Although, I’m pretty sure his ties are made in China:

10. Rapper P Diddy’s former personal chef is suing him for sexual harassment. While rapper Rick Ross’s former-personal chef is using him for exhaustion:

February 3, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. According to reports, Hillary Clinton is working on a book about the 2017 presidential election. Although, I’m not sure writing “WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED!!!” over and over again in a diary can technically be considered a book.

2. It was announced that Hillary Clinton will deliver the 2017 commencement speech at Wellesley College. She will tell the graduating seniors they can do anything they want to, just as long as a unqualified man with zero experience doesn’t want to do the exact same thing.

3. A high school choir teacher in Oklahoma has been arrested for indecent exposure after performing a cartwheel in front of an entire class of students while not wearing any underwear. In a related story, all the boys in that choir who were altos are now baritones.

4. Former president Barack Obama was spotted on vacation in the Caribbean this week wearing a backwards baseball hat and flip-flops. Not to be outdone, Joe Biden was spotted wearing his floaties:
biden-pool

5. Kim Kardashian and Chrissy Teigen announced on Thursday that they are starting a book club. No word on whether it will be coloring or pop-up.

6. A new dating app has debuted called Hater, that matches people based on things they both hate. So, now Donald Trump can actually call himself a uniter.

7. The White House said on Thursday, President Trump will honor an agreement with Australia to accept refugees although he is unhappy about the deal. It is the most begrudging ‘acceptance’ since Melania said “I do.”

8. During an interview this week, Kellyanne Conway compared Donald Trump to Jesus Christ. Because, even after a rough first week, much like Jesus, Donald will rise again, unless, of course, there are stairs involved.

9. According to reports, there is a secret code word for when President Trump is having sex in the White House. Well, it’s not so much a word as it is everyone just puking uncontrollably.

10. According to reports, President Trump is afraid of stairs. And it might be genetic, because Barron is understandably scared of steps:
trump-kids

11. Scientists have developed a brain-computer interface that reads the brain’s blood oxygen levels and enables communication by deciphering the thoughts of patients who are totally paralyzed and unable to talk. Although it is suspicious that every communication so far has been, “Please add these scientist to my will.”

12. The owner of the house in which Adolf Hitler was born is suing to keep the Austrian government from seizing and demolishing the property. They should probably think about getting rid of this one too:
hitler-house

13. Singer and member of 90s rap group the Fugees, Lauryn Hill showed up to her own Atlanta concert Tuesday night three hours late. Well, technically 19 years and three hours late.

14. According to reports, First Lady Melania Trump may not move into the White House at all. Man, Donald really doesn’t want a woman in the White House.

15. According to a new study, being naked makes us happier and more satisfied with our bodies. That’s what I told the judge, but I still can’t go within 300 feet of a school.

16. Masaya Nakamura, the man who founded the Japanese video game company behind ‘Pac-Man’, died over the weekend at the age of 91. Police have gathered up the usual suspects:
lineup

17. On Wednesday, evangelical Christian leader Jerry Falwell Jr. was tapped by President Trump to head an education reform task force. So I guess it’s safe to say, you can just skip that chapter on evolution, kids.

18. According to a new study, reggae music is the type music that makes dogs happiest. But just the music:
reggae

19. Nearly 50 years after her death, Judy Garland’s remains were flown from New York to Los Angeles by her family so she can be buried with her children and grandchildren. Said Judy, “Toto, I don’t know where the fuck I am anymore.”

20. English designers spent 200 hours weaving over one million strands of male chest hair together to create a fur coat, aptly named the Man-Fur Coat which can be bought for the price of $3900. Or, if you’re Serbian, for free.

July 25, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. Baron Trump, Donald Trump’s youngest son, was seen yawning repeatedly throughout his father’s 74-minute speech at the Republican Convention on Thursday night. Here’s a picture of the unamused Baron from that night:
joffrey

2. According to reports, the amount of internet searches for pornography in the city of Cleveland rose 184% last week while the Republican Convention was held in town. Apparently, after four days of speeches about the specifics of the Republican platform, those in attendance wanted to watch something less demeaning towards women.

3. On Friday, Hillary Clinton chose Virginia Senator Tim Kaine as her vice presidential running mate. And, in future news, the Vice Presidential debate between Mike Pence and Tim Kaine will be bought to you by Ambien.

4. The Democratic Party has selected a handful of undocumented immigrants for official roles at this week’s Democratic National Convention. Ironically, they’re all working security.

5. The day after her speech at the Republican Convention, Ivanka Trump tweeted out a picture and link to where the dress she wore the night before could be purchased. Not to be outdone, Scott Baio did the same exact thing after his Convention speech:
Baio twitter

6. Over the weekend, the United States Olympic Committee announced that they will we be sending a team of 555 athletes to Rio for this year’s Summer Olympics. And, due to the Zika virus, plan on bringing back a team of 478 athletes.

7. A rare Amur tiger was killed at the Cheyenne Mountain Zoo during a breeding attempt this week. Maybe they would’t be so rare if you stopped killing them while they had sex.

8. A 28-year-old man in Brooklyn has become the first Pokemon Go player to capture all the characters. Asked how he felt after the accomplishment, the man said, “Still very lonely.”

9. In the wake of Democratic Party Chairperson Debbie Wasserman Schultz’s resignation, Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump tweeted that he always said she was “overrated.” Although, to be completely accurate, he called her “a 6 at best.”

10. Two youths unaware of their surroundings while playing Pokemon GO on their cell phones made an illegal border crossing this week from Canada into the United States. Which may explain the new tactic some Mexicans are taking to try to sneak into the U.S.:
crossing

July 22, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. During his acceptance speech at last night’s Republican Convention, Donald Trump said, “I will work to ensure that all of our kids are treated equally.” Adding, “This includes Ivanka and those other three.”

2. Last night, Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump called Hillary Clinton a puppet for big business lobbyists, saying they pull her strings. Then he told Chris Christie to fetch him a glass of water.

3. During his speech last night, Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump said, “at our convention, there will be no lies.” And then, despite what he had just said, Trump kept talking.

4. Last night, Donald Trump capped off the Republican National Convention with a speech accepting the party’s nomination. Surprisingly, the 20,562-seat capacity arena that hosted the event was able to squeeze in literally tens of people in addition to Trump’s ego.

5. During her speech last night, Ivanka Trump spoke of her father saying, “he taught us there is nothing we cannot accomplish if we marry vision and passion with an enduring work ethic.” Adding, “while Melanie taught us there is nothing we cannot accomplish if we marry.”

6. As part of her speech last night, Ivanka Trump defended her father by saying, “he is colorblind.” Yeah, obviously:
orange trump

7. While speaking of her childhood and her father’s business empire, Ivanka Trump claimed that, “when run properly, construction sites are true meritocracies.” So I guess it’s just a coincidence that all of his company’s top executives have the last name Trump.

8. A 17-year-old Kansas teen who was fired for asking her boss why she made less than her male co-workers will speak at next week’s Democratic Convention. Which is only fair since the manager who fired her spoke at the Republican Convention.

9. Senator Ted Cruz’s wife Heidi was escorted off the floor of the Republican convention on Wednesday night as delegates booed her husband’s refusal to endorse Donald Trump in his speech. Fortunately, Heidi is used to uncomfortable political exits:
Cruz Elbow

10. Luciano Pavarotti’s family has asked Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump to stop using a recording of the late opera singer’s song “Nessun Dorma” in his election campaign. Said the family, “Luciano would be rolling in his grave if that were a physical possibility.”

11. McDonald’s has had to stop selling the Big Mac in Venezuela due to a country-wide bread shortage. Suspiciously, sales of the Big Mac went unaffected by prior beef shortages.

12. A man cooking his own urine caused the evacuation of a Massachusetts apartment complex. To get an idea of the odor, just ride the G train on a hot day.

13. Visa said on Wednesday that it had signed sponsorship deals with all ten members of the International Olympic Committee refugee team that will compete this summer in Rio. Which makes more sense than it’s previous endorsement with American Express, because reminding people to not leave home without it necessitates you to have a home in the first place.

14. On Monday, the website Slate noted the National Chairman of the Young Republicans is a 38-year-old suburban father of three. Which is not that old when compared to the party’s views on women and African-Americans.

15. During a interview with ’60 Minutes’ that aired on Sunday, Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump said that winning the evangelical vote proves that he’s religious. He also knows he won the white supremacist vote, right?

16. According to reports, Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump was calling his advisors the night before announcing Mike Pence as his VP to see if he could change his mind. The last time he changed his mind so quickly, Marla took half.

17. An elderly couple in California say their grandson scammed them out of their home. But, in the grandson’s defense, his grandparents always told him not to put them in a home and this is the exact opposite of that.

18. Researchers say that older, married couples with the same drinking habits tend to be happier than couples where only one partner drinks. Counterpoint, Dina and Michael Lohan.

19. A new company has come out with a line of handbags made from old airplane seat fabric. Unsurprisingly, you can never find your keys in the purse made from Malaysian Airline seats.

20. A Canadian rehab facility is treating alcoholism by giving its patients wine on the hour, every hour. Here’s a picture of the controversial treatment at work:
4th hour