May 14, 2020 – Monologue Jokes

1. Queen guitarist Brian May was hospitalized last week after tearing hit buttock muscles while gardening. Said May, “Please tell people I have coronavirus.” 

2. The European Space Agency said this week that human urine could one day be used to make concrete to build structures on the Moon. So, from now, please refer to him as astronaut R Kelly:

3. Actor Hafthor Bjornsson, who played The Mountain in ‘Game of Thrones,’ set a deadlift world record by lifting 1,104 pounds. Breaking the old record of 1,054 pounds held by Dame Judi Dench: 

4. According to a new survey, almost 70% of married couples say they learned something new about their partner during quarantine. Said Donald to Melania, “We have a kid?!?!?!”

5. Florida Governor Ron DeSantis referred to his state as ‘God’s waiting room’ during a coronavirus press briefing last week. “Not so fast” said Georgia: 

6. Last week, Jada Pinkett Smith said even though she’s been married to Will Smith for 23 years, being quarantined with him made her realize she doesn’t know him at all. Said Pinkett Smith, “Did you know he doesn’t even have an uncle named Phil?”

7. Approximately 300,000 coronavirus masks sent to pregnant women in Japan as part of a government handout have been found to be faulty. Said the pregnant women, “Faulty protection is how we got into this mess to begin with.” 

8. German doctors are posing naked to protest protective equipment shortages. And I think I speak for everyone when I say, don’t get any ideas Dr. Phil:

9.  Last week, Carnival Cruise Line bookings shot up by 600% when they announced that they would return to the high seas on August 1 after months of coronavirus lockdown.  It’s gonna be weird in fifty years, when people want to compare something to a complete disaster and, instead of saying the Titanic, they reference the Goofy II.

10. Last week, an asparagus reader predicted that President Trump will be re-elected and impeached again. Laugh if you will, but she’s always been 100% accurate when she predicted that my pee was gonna smell.

11. After his personal valet tested positive for coronavirus, President Trump said he will undergo the COVID-19 testing every day. Said the man who administered the test by inserting a long swab into Trump’s nose, “I’ve never felt less resistance.” 

12. Last week, the creator of the dystopian tv series ‘Black Mirror’ said the world is too bleak right now for a sixth season of his show. And yet somehow ‘Fuller House’ is allowed to go on as planned.

13. Last Sunday, President Trump answered questions during a virtual town hall on FoxNews staged in front of the Lincoln Memorial. Trump’s answers were so nonsensical that halfway through the interview Lincoln stood up and walked out.

14. In California, a trio of suspected thieves was arrested trying to steal thirty-one rolls of toilet paper, thirty-two towels, and four sets of bed sheets. And no one was more angry about the arrests than the thieves’ wives who sent them out to pick up a few things:

15. During a segment on ‘Good Morning America’, the CEO of the Dolphins revealed mock ups of new entrances to their stadium that will help people adhere to social distancing guidelines. Here’s what those mock ups look like:

16. Last Thursday night, between 7pm and 7:30pm, JetBlue conducted a flyover of Manhattan, Queens, and the Bronx to salute healthcare reporters. Not to be confused with the flyover that occurred between 7:30pm and 10pm, which was JetBlue circling LaGuardia waiting to land.

17. According to a recent survey, women in New York find the Cuomo brothers more attractive than the Jonas brothers. “Alright, but what if we get rid of Kevin,” said the other two Jonas brothers:

18. According to Variety, actor Nicolas Cage will play Joe Exotic in an upcoming TV series about the eclectic zookeeper. Said Cage showing up on the first day of shooting with a mullet, dressed in a cowboy hat and a leopard print sleeveless shirt, “Okay, so what’s this Joe Exotic guy look like?”

19. French researchers are preparing to launch a human trial to test their hypothesis that nicotine can help the body combat coronavirus. That story again, Keith Richards is going to live forever.

20. Last weekend, Secretariat won a virtually Kentucky Derby race. Unfortunately the horse that finished in last place, Seattle Slew, was made into virtual glue.

October 11, 2013 – Monologue Jokes

1. An Ohio man who disappeared in 1986, was declared legally dead in 1994 and resurfaced in 2005, failed to convince a judge to overturn his death filing, resulting in the man remaining dead in the state of Ohio. “Welcome to the club,” said LeBron James.

2. Former Detroit mayor Kwame Kilpatrick on Thursday was sentenced to 28 years in prison after being convicted on two dozen federal charges. But, if you ask me, being sent to prison in Detroit seems a little redundant.

3. An investigation into the prison suicide of convicted kidnapper Ariel Castro found that he may have died by accident last month due to “auto-erotic asphyxiation.” This is one of those rare occurrence where dying from auto-erotic asphyxiation isn’t the thing your family is most ashamed of.

4. According to representatives, the Jonas Brothers have canceled their planned concert tour because of “a deep rift within the band” over its musical direction. Not to say I told you so, but I knew it was a bad idea for Joe to start dating Yoko.

5. Earlier this week, TMZ reported that openly gay basketball player Jason Collins was spotted playing in a gay kickball league in California. Begging the question, are there other types of kickball leagues?

6. On Wednesday, a British airport said that a passenger with almost no flying experience landed a light aircraft after being coached down by an instructor on the ground when the pilot fell ill at the controls mid-flight. Making the ordeal even more tedious, the passenger’s name was Shirley.

7. WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange penned an open letter to British actor Benedict Cumberbatch, who portrays Assange in an upcoming film, praising the actor’s talents but slamming his involvement with the film. Said Cumberbatch, “So I pissed off Julian Assange, what’s the worst that could happen?”

8. Doctors are hopeful that a new, internet-based system will be a useful tool in screening adults for mental health disorders and giving diagnoses. The system involves streaming the Adam Sandler movie “Jack and Jill” and, if the patient laughs at any point, diagnosing him as an idiot.

9. Paul McCartney performed a surprise concert in New York’s Times Square on Thursday to the delight of throngs of tourists and fans. I mean, what’s the worst that could happen to a Beatle surrounded by adoring fans in New York City?

10. On Thursday, Canadian author Alice Munro won the 2013 Nobel Prize for literature. Better luck next year Snooki.

11. Representative Bill Young of Florida, the longest serving Republican in the House, will retire when his terms ends in 2014. Young said he wants to spend more time with his family fucking up his own house.

12. According to a new study, dogs feel real love towards their owners. But sometimes I can’t tell if my dog loves me for me, or just for my leg.