April 3, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. According to the ‘New York Post,’ Huma Abedin is open to and working on saving her marriage to Anthony Weiner. In fact, the couple was spotted out together last week:

2. The White House announced last week that President Trump turned down an offer to throw out the first pitch at the Washington Nationals’ home opener. Which makes sense, because as Putin tells it, he’s more of a catcher.

3. Jon Gosselin from “Jon and Kate Plus 8” is now stripping in New Jersey. And the crazy thing is he’s still not the former-reality TV star least qualified for his current job:

4. Two black female employees of Fox News have accused a white executive of racial harassment in a recently filed lawsuit. Said the exec, “In my defense, I thought they were the same woman.”

5. A 45-pound sculpture of Beyonce made 100% out of cheese debuted last week in New York City. To put that in perspective, that is just 10% more cheese than the real Adele is usually comprised of.

6. Last week, Toronto set the record for largest crowd dressed as Albert Einstein. The previous record was held by Bernie Sanders in a hall of mirrors.

7. A couple is suing Georgia after the state prevented them from naming their newborn daughter “Allah.” “Oh now you care?” said the kid’s older brother a picture of the prophet Mohamed.

8. The anonymous bidders who bought President Trump’s childhood home in Queens last week for $2.1 million are rumored to be from China. Although, the most valuable Trump property is still owned by Russia:

9. A Kansas man was recently banned for donating 32 gallons of blood to the American Red Cross over the past 64 years. “Oh, so when he produces that much blood, he’s a hero,” said O.J.

10. Last week, a paralyzed man in Cleveland fed himself mashed potatoes for the first time in years with the aid of a computer chip implanted in his brain that sent messages to the muscles in his arm. Although, to be fair, it took a few times to get it right considering he started out with a baked potato.

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