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November 4, 2019 – Monologues Jokes

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1. The makers of the board game Clue have announced that the game’s next edition will be the first to feature a bathroom as a possible crime scene. As in, “Professor Plum, in the bathroom, one hour after eating Chipotle.” 

2. On Wednesday, President Trump and First Lady Melania Trump hosted trick-or-treaters at the White House and gave out full-sized Hershey bars. Or, at least, they looked full-size in Trump’s hands: 

3. According to a new study, construction workers are more likely to use cocaine than other profession. But I assume that’s because no one considers being a DJ a profession. 

4. Thursday night, President Trump said he is changing his primary residence from New York to Florida. He also added, “Please don’t tell Eric.”

5. Washington Redskins Pro Bowl tackle Trent Williams says he no longer trusts the organization after team doctors failed to detect a cancerous growth on his scalp. Wow, that’s terrible, I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy, having to play for the Redskins. 

6. Tiger Woods matched Sam Snead’s record of 82 PGA Tour victories when he won a golf tournament in Japan last week. The last time Tiger finished first in Asia, Asia had just gotten off her shift at the Waffle House. 

7. In a recent interview, singer Marie Osmond, of Donnie & Marie fame, admitted that when she was younger she thought she was gay. The biggest warning sign, she liked Donnie & Marie. 

8. Singer Lady Gaga recently tweeted “Fame is Prison.” “I’ll let you know if that’s an accurate comparison in a couple of weeks,” said Aunt Becky. 

9. Republican Senator Mitt Romney recently admitted to running a secret Twitter account under the alias ‘Pierre Delecto.’ And you gotta give it to him, it’s not easy to come up with a name stupider than Mitt Romney.

10. Democratic presidential candidate Bernie Sanders recently held a campaign rally in Queens that attracted more than 26,000 supporters. “We didn’t even realize 26,000 people lived in Queens,” said the Mets.

11. According to a new study, men who eat a heart-healthy diet may have better quality sperm than their peers who dine mostly on junk food. Yeah, no shit:

12. Last week, President Trump downplayed the possibility of throwing out the first pitch of a World Series game by saying, “They gotta dress me up in a lot of heavy armor. I’ll look too heavy. I don’t like that.” Begging the question, is he always wearing body armor?

13. According to a new report, doctors should always ask for a child’s consent before treating them. “But that just applies to doctors, right?” asked Jerry Sandusky.

14. The whistleblower whose complaint led to the impeachment inquiry against President Trump has offered to answer written questions from Republicans on the House Intelligence Committee. Questions like “How did you stand up to Trump?” and “What’s it like to have a backbone?”

15. In a recent interview, Kanye West said God rewarded him with a $68 million tax refund because he became a born-again Christian. “Yes, it’s definitely Jesus’s doing,” said his undoubtedly Jewish accountant.

16. In his new book, Donald Trump Jr. said his father, President Trump, can’t be racist because, as a kid, he was allowed to play video games with Michael Jackson. Or maybe, just maybe, your father hates spending time with you more than he hates black people.

17. This week, Charmin set up a new toilet paper-dispensing kiosk in an outdoor Manhattan park. Hey, Charmin, I beg of you, stop making it easier for New Yorkers to shit in public.

18. Last week Donald Trump Jr. participated in a ribbon-cutting ceremony for a new plaza in Arizona which was named in his honor. Said the people of Arizona, “President Trump has never been more relatable now that we too have disappointingly named something Donald Trump Jr.”

July 1, 2019 – Monologue Jokes

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1. In a new interview, openly gay presidential candidate Pete Buttigieg said statistically it’s “almost certain” the United States has already had a gay president. “I knew it!” said Dolly Madison.

2. In a new interview, openly gay presidential candidate Pete Buttigieg said statistically it’s “almost certain” the united States has already had a gay president. Which explains the first draft of the Declaration of Independence which read, “All men are created equal, except for Chad, holy shit, God went above and beyond with him!”

3. A Texas school district has fired a teacher after she allegedly made pornographic films in classrooms outside of school hours. That story again, Trevor the class hamster has seen some shit:

4. President Trump held a rally in Orlando last week to officially launch his re-election campaign. So finally something has the potentially to replace the Challenger as the least successful Orlando launch. 

5. Iranian lawmakers chanted “Death to America” during a parliament session on Sunday after a speaker accused the United States of being the “real world terrorist.” And I think I speak for all Americans when I say, “How did you get your Congress to agree on something?” 

6. According to a new study, young men with a fast-food heavy diet have a lower sperm count than their healthier-eating counterparts. “Still more proof that that’s not my kid,” said Ronald McDonald:

7. This week, Cuba opened its first ever sex shop. Which explains the new rafts Cuban refugees have been using: 

8. Federal authorities seized over 16 tons of cocaine Tuesday from a large ship in Philadelphia. To give you a better sense of how much that it, this is what 16 tons of cocaine looks like:

9. Senator Amy Klobuchar unveiled on Tuesday a 137-point list of priorities she would address in her first 100 days in office if elected president. Number one on that list, opening an investigation into how Amy Klobuchar got elected president.

10. Authorities in the Dominican Republic say David Ortiz was not the intended target of the murder-for-hire plot that ended with the former Red Sox star being shot. In fact, the assassin had such bad aim he’s now pitching for the Mets.

11. President Trump said on Sunday that if he could have one “do-over,” it would be Jeff Sessions. And no one was more surprised by that answer than Eric Trump.

12. Sunday night, over the span of thirty-six minutes, two of the Flying Wallendas crossed Times Square by walking on a high wire 25-stories high. They would have made the crossing quicker, but they got stuck behind a family of four from Topeka, Kansas taking in the sights:

13. Bill Cosby filed an appeal of his sexual assault conviction, arguing that it was flawed because the testimony of five accusers was “strikingly dissimilar” to that of Andrea Constand. So, let me get this right, Bill Cosby’s defense is “that’s not how I do my rapes”?

14. According to a new United Nations report, India is set to overtake China as the world’s most populous country in less than a decade. “We’ll see,” said Pakistan.

15. This week, NBC ordered a new “Law and Order” spin-off entitled “Law and Order: Hate Crimes.” They went with that name because there was already a TV show called “The West Wing.”

16. The second debate among Democrats running for  president attracted 18.1 million television viewers across three networks. Which is just slightly more than the number of people on stage.

17. Last week, O.J. Simpson took to Twitter to deny allegations that Khloe Kardashian is the result of a love affair he had with Kris Kardashian. And the evidence is on his side, Khloe looks nothing like OJ and Kris is still alive. 

18. Britain’s Glastonbury Music Festival announced that only sandwiches in 100 percent compostable packaging will be sold at the five-day event. “Big deal, talk to us when you’re making the sandwiches out of that stuff,” said Arby’s. 

19. On Tuesday, breakdancing moved one step closer to being included in the 2024 Olympic Games. One very annoying, robotic step closer.

20. Eric Trump said Tuesday he was spit on by a female employee at a Chicago restaurant. “I’ll have what she’s having,” said everyone else in that restaurant.

April 13, 2018 – Monologue Jokes

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1. The White House announced that for the second year in a row, President Trump will skip the Correspondents Dinner. And, for the 40th year in a row he will skip Don Jr.’s birthday dinner:

2. A man who was stabbed in the back during a bar fight last week, ordered another drink with the knife still in his back. And despite having a fucking knife in his back, it still took him a good twenty minutes to get the bartender’s attention.

3. A sperm bank in Beijing has set strict criteria for would-be donors, including a requirement that they pledge their loyalty to China’s ruling Communist Party. Luckily you only need one hand to take a pledge.

4. On Monday, FBI agents raided President Trump’s personal lawyer Michael Cohen’s offices located at Rockefeller Center in New York City. In response, workers started putting up the tree because it feels like Christmas came early this year:

5. Experts are speculating as to how North Korean leader Kim Jong Un would travel to potential summit with President Trump due to North Korea’s lack of modern aircraft that can reliably fly across oceans. “Here’s a solution, hold the summit in the middle of the Pacific Ocean,” said Malaysian Airlines.

6. Voice actor Chuck McCann, best known as the voice behind the “I’m cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs” bird, died on Monday at the age of 83. And I gotta say, if the best thing I’m known for when I die is voicing a cereal mascot, maybe just say you probably don’t know this guy.

7. Dino Sajudin, a former doorman at a Trump building, confirmed reports that the National Enquirer paid Sajudin $30,000 to prevent him from publicizing a rumor that Donald Trump fathered a child out of wedlock. Said Trump, “Oh, please, let it be Eric”:

8. This week, a turtle that breaths through its genital was added to the endangered species list. Making that two slimy reptiles whose genitals apparently need a lot of air that are now endangered:

9. Uber on Tuesday unveiled a new app for its drivers that includes a real-time earnings tracker. Because the one thing I want from my Uber driver is for them to be on their phone more.

10. This week, a former aspiring model confronted Bill Cosby at his retrial after testified against him saying, “You remember, don’t you Mr. Cosby?” Said Cosby, “I remember, but I’m surprised you do, I gave you a lot of drugs.”

11. Brothers Erik and Lyle Menendez, who were convicted in 1989 of murdering their parents, are together again and housed at the same California state prison. Erik and Lyle said being together again makes them reminiscent of old times and sad that they don’t have any more parents to kill together.

12. On Monday, the FBI raided the offices of President Trump’s longtime personal lawyer Michael Cohen, seizing records relating to payments made to pornographic-film actress Stormy Daniels. “He should have hid that stuff underneath his mattress,” said every 15 year old boy.

13. Vietnam’s culture ministry has issued a directive against “inappropriate” statues after images of godlike sculptures with animal heads and human genitalia stoked controversy. Censoring statues seems crazy, but Vietnam may have a point:

14. On Monday, at Bill Cosby’s new trial, a woman protested topless. Cosby was shocked to see a woman topless woman who was also conscious.

15. Over the weekend, comedian Seth Meyer’s wife gave birth to the couple’s second child in the lobby of their New York City apartment building. Which is still not the worst planned entry someone has made into a NYC lobby in the past few years:

16. Over the weekend, comedian Seth Meyer’s wife gave birth to the couple’s second child in the lobby of their New York City apartment building. And, because it happened in the lobby, the doorman signed for the delivery.

17. On Tuesday, actor T.J. Miller, star of ‘The Emoji Movie,’ was arrested after allegedly calling in a bomb threat from an Amtrak train. Being attached to a bomb is something Miller will always carry with him and also the train thing isn’t good either.

18. Scientists have determined that a dead whale that washed ashore in the Mediterranean Sea died because it consumed 64 pounds of trash. Or, as it’s known at Arby’s, a number 2.

19. According to ‘The New York Post,’ women are lining up to date newly single, former-mayor Rudy Giuliani. That story again, Rudy Giuliani is now writing for ‘The New York Post.’

20. The Miami Marlins, who lost to the New York Mets on Wednesday night, had less fans in attendance than by their Double-A affiliate, the Jacksonville Jumbo Shrimp. ‘Jumbo Shrimp’ is an oxymoron much like ‘Marlins fan.’

June 2, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

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1. According to a new poll, there are more gay people in America than adult virgins. This according to a poll taken somewhere other than ComicCon.

2. Doctors are warning women against a new trend of putting wasp nests in their vaginas. “Look, if you got a better defense plan, I’m all ears,” said women who work in the White House.

3. According to a new study, couples trying for a baby have sex an average of 78 times before becoming pregnant. Which means, according to my calculations, my upstairs neighbors have 137 kids by now.

4. The New York Mets mascot, Mr. Met, has come under fire after a cellphone video surfaced showing him giving a fan the middle finger. Even worse, after a thorough investigation, it was determined that the Phillie Phanatic has been coming to work without pants for years:

5. A 98-year-old California woman has written over 7,000 letters to troops overseas. Every letter thanks the soldier for their service and asks him to “kill a dirty Kraut for her.”

6. President Trump’s 2020 reelection committee is selling “Big League Boxes,” packed with Trump merchandise, delivered monthly to recurring donors. Said Trump, “Aren’t monthly donations usually called ‘alimony payments’?”

7. Police in Michigan arrested a woman for allegedly stealing flowers, a bench and other objects from local cemeteries to decorate her house. But, in her defense, she was just trying to make her husband, Larry King, feel more at home.

8. According to a new report, President Trump has traded in his Android smartphone for an iPhone with only one app, Twitter. It’s the first time Trump has been limited to just one app in a very long time:

9. A 38-year-old Indian climber who made the fastest double ascent of Mount Everest and became the first woman to reach the highest point on earth twice in five days, says she will now turn her attention to smaller unclimbed peaks. But, sometimes, smaller peaks remained unclimbed by women for a reason:

10. A woman fired a starter pistol at a race so close to the Prime Minister of Belgium’s ear that he had to undergo medical treatment and cancel a speech in Parliament. “You think that’s bad,” said Lincoln.

11. A drunk man in Pennsylvania was arrested yesterday for repeatedly calling 911 just to talk. Said the man at the jailhouse, “I get one phone call, right?”

12. According to a new study, foods that wind up in the garbage contain many of the same nutrients that Americans are missing in their diets. Said Americans, “Yeah, no shit, how do you think they wound up in the trash in the first place?”

13. According to reports, almost half of President Trump’s 31 million Twitter followers appear to be fake. Even more disturbing, the other half appear to be real.

14. While giving a commencement speech, actor Robert De Niro said that America has turned into “a tragic, dumb comedy.” “I’ll do it,” said Nicholas Cage.

15. A hot air balloon in Canada crashed after a man onboard proposed to his girlfriend. Said the woman, “This is the worst day of my life,” and then he proposed.

16. Kellyanne Conway, counselor to the president, recently purchased an $8 million house in Washington D.C. It has four bedrooms and there bathrooms, but I’m guessing Conway’s gonna spend most of her time in the basement:

17. Pornography website PornHub is celebrating its ten year anniversary by asking users to submit “What I Learned from PornHub” videos. So, expect a lot of videos detailing how to clear you browser history.

18. Paleontologists now believe that whales evolved to be so big as a defense mechanism against being eaten. “I love a challenge,” said Chris Christie:

19. Mark Zuckerberg said he plans to visit very U.S. state this year to learn more about Facebook’s users. “Every state? Are you even allowed to do that?” asked Hillary.

20. Gunsticles, which are fake testicles that hang from your gun, are now a thing. Because not every guy with a small penis can afford a Porsche.

21. Over the weekend, actor and amateur pilot Harrison Ford had multiple failed takeoffs due to mechanical issues. “Yeah, tell me about it,” said Calista Flockhart.

22. A Palestinian judge has banned divorces during the month of Ramadan as “people make hasty decisions when they are hungry.” Which is Taco Bell’s entire business model.

May 10, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

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1. On Tuesday, President Trump fired FBI Director James Comey. The timing of which many political experts called “very odd” and Hillary Clinton called “six months too late.”

2. Bill O’Reilly and Geraldo Rivera were spotted together at a New York Mets game Monday night. As a result, the Mets had to adjust how they normally do things:

3. The White House said they will celebrate the six-month anniversary of their election victory by releasing video footage of President Trump receiving a concession call from Hillary Clinton. Although, I’m much more interested in seeing the video footage from the other end of that call:

4. During the French presidential election last Sunday, a record number of voters turned in blank ballots, effectively throwing their votes away. Or, as they are known here in the States, votes for Jill Steins.

5. A Florida man standing trial for murdering his girlfriend, claims she accidentally choked to death while performing oral sex because he is so well-endowed, and is willing to show the jury his penis to back up his claim. Well, that’s one way to get a ‘hung’ jury.

6. A Florida man standing trial for murdering his girlfriend, claims she accidentally choked to death while performing oral sex because he is so well-endowed, and is willing to show the jury his penis to back up his claim. Florida, where flashing twelve strangers is not a crime, but, instead, a valid legal defense.

7. The National Basketball League opened its first academy in India on Tuesday. And, not surprisingly, the reigning MVP has the best selling jersey there:

8. Sheriff’s deputies arrested three people at a Florida airport on Monday after a large fight broke out when their Spirit Airlines flights were cancelled. But those three individuals got off easy, the people who weren’t arrested then had to fly Spirit Airlines.

9. French president-elect Emmanuel Macron mocked President Donald Trump in an election video where he promised he would ensure that France would keep its climate change initiatives. Said Trump, “Can I fire him too?”

10. Butler University has come under fire for offering an anti-Trump course that promises to teach “strategies for resistance.” “That’s outrageous,” said Trump, “Who ‘teaches things’ or ‘offers courses’ at a university?”

May 4, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

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1. Authorities say a drunk driving suspect, who was chased by police from Maryland to Pennsylvania, identified herself as Hillary Clinton. But authorities knew it wasn’t the real Hillary because she actually entered the state of Pennsylvania.

2. Yesterday, former Fox News host Bill O’Reilly lashed out at the “morons on cable news” for mocking President Trump’s Civil War claims. Although, they can’t be that moronic since they figured out how to stay on cable news.

3. Actor Johnny Depp’s former manager says his former client suffers from “compulsive spending disorder.” And, to prove the actor is reckless with money, the manager produced a receipt showing that Depp bought a ticket to see ‘Mordecai.’

4. On Wednesday, a woman was found guilty and could be sentenced to a year in jail for laughing during Attorney General Jeff Sessions’ confirmation hearing. But, to be fair, if she didn’t want to go to jail, she should have done something more acceptable in that room, like perjure herself.

5. In a new interview, actor Brad Pitt opened up about his recent divorce, admitting that he drank heavily. And if you thought Pitt had a lot of kids before, imagine seeing double.

6. An Egyptian artist has spent the last three years creating what he hopes is the world’s largest Koran. Not to be outdone, President Trump has created the world’s largest Bible, or, at least, it looks that way in his tiny, little hands.

7. Tuesday night, Melania Trump’s official Twitter account liked a tweet joking about how much she hates her husband. That’s hard to believe that, particularly the part where her hatred of Donald could be properly expressed in 140 characters.

8. A Queens man is memorializing his lifelong friend, a plumber, by flushing his cremated remains into the pipes of baseball stadiums across the country. You don’t want to know what he’s doing with the ashes of his friend who was a proctologist.

9. Aaron Hernandez’s silver 2006 Toyota 4Runner, which prosecutors said was the “murder car” used in a drive-by double killing, is now up for sale on eBay. Here’s a look at the ad:

10. A Florida deputy is under investigation after it was discovered he referred to a female deputy as “Captain Boobs.” “Hey, that’s not how you talk to a lady cop, they prefer to be called ‘Sugartits,’” said Mel Gibson.

March 13, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

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1. Late Friday night, the Secret Service arrested an intruder who breached the White House fence and came within several hundred yards of the President. The man was unable to get face-to-face with President Trump, which can only mean one thing, he’s not Russian.

2. According to a new study, Alaska is the state with the highest incidents of sexually transmitted diseases. Alaska is already hard at work making sure they don’t top the list next year by nominating Lindsay Lohan for statehood.

3. Over the weekend, President Trump invited House Republicans skeptical of the Obamacare replacement plan to the White House for a bowling party. Paul Ryan was happy to hear the White House would supply the balls since he apparently lost his a few months ago.

4. A Colorado woman was arrested and charged with trespassing after apparently stalking Tim Tebow at the New York Mets’ spring training facility in Florida. Not much is known about the woman except she’s definitely not an NFL scout.

5. According to reports, Arnold Schwarzenegger may be eyeing a Senate bid in 2018. And, I have to admit, ‘Senate bid’ is an odd name for a maid.

6. Attendees at the Vietnamese premier of ‘Kong: Skull Island’ were sent running in a panic when a 16-foot statue of King Kong burst into flames over the weekend. Although it still went better than the premiere of ‘Batman v. Superman,’ where the people in attendance had to watch the movie.

7. Rumors are swirling that actress Pamela Anderson and Wikileaks founder Julian Assange are dating. He’s dating Pamela Anderson and trying to reignite the Col War? Man, this guy really misses the 80s.

8. A 74-year-old man was arrested after police say he destroyed several Kim Kardashian books at a Barnes & Noble in Connecticut. Which is unfair, because ‘destroyed’ implies that beforehand those books weren’t already a mess.

9. Jimmy Fallon is reportedly under pressure to take ‘The Tonight Show’ in a “more political” direction in an effort to regain the late-night ratings crown from Stephen Colbert. So get ready for Pictionary with Robert Mugabe.

10. On Sunday, Tom Price, the head of Health and Human Services and a leading advocate for the new healthcare bill, said no one will be worse off financially under the Republican’s plan. Because technically, dead people are no longer have debts.

September 8, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

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1. An AirAsia flight from Sydney to Malaysia accidentally flew to Melbourne instead because the pilot entered the wrong coordinates. But, to be fair, it still ranks as one of the more successful flights to Malaysia.

2. According to the FBI’s latest report, during her four years as Secretary of State, Hillary Clinton used thirteen different cell phones. And, only six of them were used to catfish Bill on Tinder.

3. Last week, Dr. Ben Carson accompanied Donald Trump to Detroit where Carson cut short a live interview on CNN in front of his childhood home to look for his luggage. Because, like a true Trump supporter, he became very concerned about his belongings once he realized he was in a black neighborhood.

4. A single mother in Texas dressed up as a man so her son could go to a “Doughnuts with Dad” event at his school. Said the son, “Maybe if you didn’t look like such a convincing man, Dad would still be around.”

5. A 6-month-old boy in North Carolina has set a world record as the youngest water-skier. Or, as sharks refer to him, veal.

6. Last week, New York Met Wilmer Flores excited the hometown crowd by changing his walk-up music to the theme song from “Friends.” The last time a Met walked out to a TV theme song it was Daryl Strawberry strolling to the plate to the ‘DUN DUN’ from “Law & Order.”

7. A thug in the U.K. punched a five-day-old baby in the face at a supermarket and then immediately apologized saying he thought it was a doll. “Yeah, but is he single?” said Casey Anthony.

8. A North Dakota sheriff’s office pressed charges against Jill Stein Wednesday after the Green Party presidential nominee spray-painted a bulldozer during an environmental protest. But that didn’t prevent Fox News from getting viewers’ hopes up by enthusiastically reporting “Arrest warrant issued for liberal presidential candidate.”

9. On Wednesday, Apple unveiled its new, water-proof iPhone 7. So I guess it was a bad time for me to invest heavily in bags of rice.

10. A landlord showing his vacant rental home in Atlanta Monday morning made a grisly discovery when he stumbled upon the body of a dead man in the backyard. Said the landlord, “How do you feel about roommates?”

June 16, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

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1. On Wednesday, while speaking on behalf of Hillary Clinton, President Obama said his daughters think it’s weird that America hasn’t had a woman president yet. Although, I’m pretty sure they would feel differently if they knew our previous options:
female presidents

2. Russian Foreign Minister Sergei Larnov told parliament on Wednesday it was impossible to ignore the outrageous provocations by English soccer fans at the Euro 2016 tournament. Said Americans, “Actually, it’s surprisingly easy to ignore soccer.”

3. Italy’s Osteria Francescana was recently named the world’s best restaurant by “Restaurant” magazine. While Guy Fieri’s American Bar and Kitchen in Times Square was recently named a restaurant by Zagats.

4. The world’s first underwater bar opened this week. “Finally!” said Ted Kennedy.

5. Presumptive Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump on Wednesday called for surveillance of mosques as part of U.S. law enforcement efforts to prevent terrorism. Although, I think Trump needs to come up with a better plan:
trump mosque

6. This week, Buffalo Bills running back Karlos Williams showed up to training camp overweight claiming that his pregnant fiancee’s cravings made him overeat. Begging the question, exactly how many fiancees does Bartolo Colon have?

7. On Tuesday night, 13-year-old stand-up comic Lori Mae Hernandez slayed the crowds on NBC’s “America’s Got Talent” by making fun of Donald Trump. “I’m with her,” said Hillary.

8. On Tuesday night, 13-year-old stand-up comic Lori Mae Hernandez slayed the crowds on NBC’s “America’s Got Talent” by making fun of Donald Trump. Well, they always say ‘pick on someone your own size’ and, to be fair, they do have the same size hands.

9. Earlier this week, comedian Kevin Hart’s Los Angeles home was burglarized with thieves making off with over $500,000 worth of his personal items. The burglars came in through the doggie door or, as Hart refers to it, the door.

10. Prince William will make history as the first British royal to be photographed for the front of a gay publication when he appears on the cover of “Attitude” next month. Because Queen Elizabeth’s ads were always in the back section of the magazine:
milf-phone-sex

June 10, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

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1. According to reports, in the upcoming general election, Donald Trump plans on painting Hillary Clinton as a money-grubbing, unethical candidate. As opposed to Donald Trump who is a money-grubbing, unethical candidate who wears a hat.

2. Former NFL tight-end and convicted murderer Aaron Hernandez has hired Jose Baez, the lawyer who got Casey Anthony acquitted of murder, to head his appeal team. Baez made the announcement because, if history is any guide, it’s always good to let as many people as possible know that you’re gonna be hanging out with Aaron Hernandez.

3. Former NFL tight-end and convicted murderer Aaron Hernandez has hired Jose Baez, the lawyer who got Casey Anthony acquitted of murder, to head his appeal team. Hernandez said he decided to switch legal teams for the appeal after the lawyers who represented him when he was found guilty of murder mysteriously disappeared.

4. In a recent interview, presumptive Republican nominee Donald Trump made the audacious claim that he broke the glass ceiling for women. I’m just surprised that he knew there was a ceiling considering how little he seems to be aware of things going on above his head:
trump hair

5. The rock band Queen is exploring legal options to prevent Donald Trump from using their song “We Are the Champions” at his campaign rallies. But, to be fair, the song was never a good fit because the “we” implies that Trump was giving credit to someone besides himself for winning.

6. A Cleveland Cavaliers fan was fired from her job after sending out a series of insensitive tweets directed at Golden State Warrior Stephen Curry’s family. While Donald Trump is attempting to get a job through a series of insensitive tweets.

7. According to a new study, smoking both marijuana and tobacco during pregnancy may create greater health risks than cigarettes alone. So, you hear that pregnant ladies, just stick to cigarettes.

8. Furniture giant IKEA will open a museum at the end of this month about the history of the company and its products. The museum was set to open last month, but was delayed after the workers finished building the museum and realized they had five extra pieces remaining.

9. A man in China took his hyper-realistic sex doll with him as a date to the “World of Warcraft” movie. So, for once, the movie theater floor wasn’t the stickiest thing in the room.

10. More than 500 people have signed up for TrumpDating.com, a website for single people who support Donald Trump. Which is super-convenient, because before that, if you wanted to meet like-minded individuals, you had to go all the way down to the Klan rally.

11. This week, General Mills announced that it is introducing its first new cereal in over 15 years and it’s called Tiny Toast. Which, coincidentally, I believe was Donald Trump’s nickname for Marco Rubio.

12. On Wednesday, Forbes named soccer star Cristiano Ronaldo the world’s highest paid athlete, earning $88 million last year. Even more amazing, somehow the Mets are on the hook for half of that.

13. A California high school student brought his favorite video game to prom as his date. Which explain why his favorite sex move is UP, UP, DOWN, DOWN, LEFT, RIGHT, LEFT, RIGHT, B, A, START.

14. On Monday, for her 18th birthday, a popular Youtube personality came out as gay. Although, if you’re entire life is devoted to posting videos on Youtube, I’m not sure it gets better.

15. On Tuesday, “Today Show” anchor Savannah Guthrie announced that she is pregnant and, as a result, won’t travel to Rio for NBC’s coverage of the Olympics due to the Zika virus. “I’ll do it!” said Michael Strahan, unprovoked.

16. During Monday night’s episode of “So You Think You Can Dance,” a contestant vomited on judge Paula Abdul. Although, it was a nice change of pace for Abdul who is used to being covered in her own vomit.

17. A father in Florida, fed up with his son’s smoking weed and “acting like a thug,” sold the teen’s SUV on Craigslist. Although, if he smokes enough weed, the dad should be able to convince his son he never even had a car in the first place.

18. According to a new study, children born in the 41st week of pregnancy, which is considered “late-term,” have better test scores and are more likely to be classified as “gifted” compared with children born “full-term” at 39 or 40 weeks. Although, at some point, having your mother carry you around becomes a detriment:
jeb & barbara

19. Donald Trump sought to tout his support among African-Americans on Friday by pointing out a black man in the crowd and calling him “my African-American.” People were offended, but in Trump’s defense, this was the guy:
black guy

20. In a new interview, director Judd Apatow said that people complaining about the upcoming, all-female, reboot of “Ghostbusters” are probably the same people who are voting for Donald Trump. ‘Not true,” said Ernie Hudson.

21. In an effort to increase the population that pays into the federally funded national retirement program in Denmark, officials have started a campaign urging young married couples to have more babies with the tag line “Do it for Mom.” “Way ahead of you,” said Oedipus.

22. Last week, a moose gave birth in a Lowe’s parking lot in Alaska. And, in related news, Bristol Palin has finally found her spirit animal.

23. There is a new trend in which women pay up to $300 to have their vaginas massaged by a professional. Or, for free, you can just go to the Port Authority.

24. Tony Fisher, the British man who created the world’s largest Rubix cube, measuring 220-pound and 5-foot-tall, took two full days to solve the puzzle. Yet the puzzle that is getting a girlfriend still remains a mystery.

25. An elephant in Zimbabwe, that was wounded by poachers, was treated and saved when it approached and pleaded with humans at a lodge for help. That story again, an elephant in Zimbabwe has better medical insurance than I do.

26. A Mexican “adult hospitality” firm has chartered a Royal Caribbean ship for the world’s first sex cruise, an eight day orgy, setting sail in 2017. So, for once, I’ll be rooting for the iceberg.

27. A Mexican “adult hospitality” firm has chartered a Royal Caribbean ship for the world’s first sex cruise, an eight day orgy, setting sail in 2017. You’re guaranteed to get nauseous before you even set sail.

28. Over the weekend, former Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich called Donald Trump’s ethnicity based attacks on the judge in charge of his Trump University case “one of the worst mistake’s Trump has made.” Which can only mean one thing, Gingrich hasn’t met Eric or Donald Trump Jr.

29. Oklahoma City Thunder All-Star Kevin Durant will be honored with the Everyday Hero medal after helping local paramedics get to the scene of an accident quicker. Unfortunately, the paramedics weren’t around to help Durant and his teammates from choking.

30. McDonald’s Japan is giving away a chicken McNugget made of 18-karat gold. Now, that’s the face of a winner:
gold