June 16, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. On Wednesday, while speaking on behalf of Hillary Clinton, President Obama said his daughters think it’s weird that America hasn’t had a woman president yet. Although, I’m pretty sure they would feel differently if they knew our previous options:
female presidents

2. Russian Foreign Minister Sergei Larnov told parliament on Wednesday it was impossible to ignore the outrageous provocations by English soccer fans at the Euro 2016 tournament. Said Americans, “Actually, it’s surprisingly easy to ignore soccer.”

3. Italy’s Osteria Francescana was recently named the world’s best restaurant by “Restaurant” magazine. While Guy Fieri’s American Bar and Kitchen in Times Square was recently named a restaurant by Zagats.

4. The world’s first underwater bar opened this week. “Finally!” said Ted Kennedy.

5. Presumptive Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump on Wednesday called for surveillance of mosques as part of U.S. law enforcement efforts to prevent terrorism. Although, I think Trump needs to come up with a better plan:
trump mosque

6. This week, Buffalo Bills running back Karlos Williams showed up to training camp overweight claiming that his pregnant fiancee’s cravings made him overeat. Begging the question, exactly how many fiancees does Bartolo Colon have?

7. On Tuesday night, 13-year-old stand-up comic Lori Mae Hernandez slayed the crowds on NBC’s “America’s Got Talent” by making fun of Donald Trump. “I’m with her,” said Hillary.

8. On Tuesday night, 13-year-old stand-up comic Lori Mae Hernandez slayed the crowds on NBC’s “America’s Got Talent” by making fun of Donald Trump. Well, they always say ‘pick on someone your own size’ and, to be fair, they do have the same size hands.

9. Earlier this week, comedian Kevin Hart’s Los Angeles home was burglarized with thieves making off with over $500,000 worth of his personal items. The burglars came in through the doggie door or, as Hart refers to it, the door.

10. Prince William will make history as the first British royal to be photographed for the front of a gay publication when he appears on the cover of “Attitude” next month. Because Queen Elizabeth’s ads were always in the back section of the magazine:
milf-phone-sex

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