Tag Archives: Prince William

June 16, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

Posted on by
Reply

1. On Wednesday, while speaking on behalf of Hillary Clinton, President Obama said his daughters think it’s weird that America hasn’t had a woman president yet. Although, I’m pretty sure they would feel differently if they knew our previous options:
female presidents

2. Russian Foreign Minister Sergei Larnov told parliament on Wednesday it was impossible to ignore the outrageous provocations by English soccer fans at the Euro 2016 tournament. Said Americans, “Actually, it’s surprisingly easy to ignore soccer.”

3. Italy’s Osteria Francescana was recently named the world’s best restaurant by “Restaurant” magazine. While Guy Fieri’s American Bar and Kitchen in Times Square was recently named a restaurant by Zagats.

4. The world’s first underwater bar opened this week. “Finally!” said Ted Kennedy.

5. Presumptive Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump on Wednesday called for surveillance of mosques as part of U.S. law enforcement efforts to prevent terrorism. Although, I think Trump needs to come up with a better plan:
trump mosque

6. This week, Buffalo Bills running back Karlos Williams showed up to training camp overweight claiming that his pregnant fiancee’s cravings made him overeat. Begging the question, exactly how many fiancees does Bartolo Colon have?

7. On Tuesday night, 13-year-old stand-up comic Lori Mae Hernandez slayed the crowds on NBC’s “America’s Got Talent” by making fun of Donald Trump. “I’m with her,” said Hillary.

8. On Tuesday night, 13-year-old stand-up comic Lori Mae Hernandez slayed the crowds on NBC’s “America’s Got Talent” by making fun of Donald Trump. Well, they always say ‘pick on someone your own size’ and, to be fair, they do have the same size hands.

9. Earlier this week, comedian Kevin Hart’s Los Angeles home was burglarized with thieves making off with over $500,000 worth of his personal items. The burglars came in through the doggie door or, as Hart refers to it, the door.

10. Prince William will make history as the first British royal to be photographed for the front of a gay publication when he appears on the cover of “Attitude” next month. Because Queen Elizabeth’s ads were always in the back section of the magazine:
milf-phone-sex

May 7, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

Posted on by
Reply

1. Michael Jackson’s glove and George Harrison’s guitar are set to be auction off in New York next week. Man, if that guitar could talk it would probably say “Get me away from that glove.”

2. Austrian prosecutors have charged the owner of a basement filled with Adolf Hitler paraphernalia as a Nazis sympathizer. “See, that’s why you gotta have a pool house,” said Mel Gibson.

3. Politico reported on Wednesday that Michigan Governor Rick Snyder will not seek the Republican nomination for president in 2016. You know, if the Republicans who are not interested in running for president came forward, we could save a lot of time.

4. The birth certificate of the new royal baby lists her father’s occupation as prince of the United Kingdom. While the same spot on North West’s birth certificate says “You know who the fuck I am!”

5. Former U.S. Senator Rick Santorum told FoxNews on Wednesday, he will announced on May 28 whether he will seek the Republican presidential nomination in 2016. Santorum said he is tempted to run since, now that Ted Cruz is in, he will no longer be considered ‘the crazy one.’

6. On Mother’s Day, moms who go to Hooters can get a free meal with any drink purchase. It’s a great backup plan in case the strip club buffet runs out of food.

7. According to a recently released report, New England quarterback Tom Brady was “at least generally aware” of the scheme to deliberately deflate footballs to gain an advantage last season. “See, it’s not my fault, I was around bad influences,” said Aaron Hernandez.

8. According to new data, millennials are having fewer babies. “Guess it’s time to start sending resumes around,” said the producers of ’16 and Pregnant.’

9. According to new World Health Organization projections, Europe will face an obesity crisis of vast proportions by 2030. Although, it seemed inappropriate for the report to label America as a cautionary tale.

10. A new study has found a link between being too thin and an increased risk of developing dementia. Which means, in 20 years, Kelly Ripa may be more senile than Regis.

April 29, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

Posted on by
Reply

1. According to a new survey, 1 out of 4 Americans didn’t exercise at all last year. And, according to a survey I conducted with my eyes, the remaining 3 out of 4 Americans are liars.

2. According to reports, Senator Bernie Sanders of Vermont will announce his candidacy for the Democratic presidential nomination on Thursday. Sanders is hoping to capitalize on Obama’s low approval numbers, because what’s the opposite of a black president? A white guy from Vermont.

3. According to a new study, six-year-olds whose mothers were severely obese before pregnancy are more likely to have emotional problems when they grow up. Of course those emotional problems will lead them to sleeping with fat chicks, and thus, the circle of life is complete.

4. Today, the Baltimore Orioles will host the Chicago White Sox in a game closed to the public due to the ongoing riots in Baltimore. After the game, the White Sox are scheduled to play a three-game series in Cleveland against the Indians, so that will be four games in a row the White Sox have played in front of empty stadiums.

5. Hollister and Abercrombie & Fitch announced that they will stop using shirtless male models at store openings and events. While McDonalds will continue the practice, out of necessity, because their employees can’t afford shirts.

6. A Dutch designer has created a sex toy that can hold cremated ashes and comes with a speaker and perfume in order to recreate an intimate night with a deceased loved one. Said the inventor, “I miss you, grandma.”

7. Kate Middleton, the pregnant wife of Prince William, is past her due date and, as a result, doctors may have to induce her into labor. Good luck with that because, if history is any guide, this is not a family that’s big on labor.

8. Yesterday, possible presidential hopeful Jeb Bush said he believes Puerto Rico should become the 51st state. While his brother George disagreed, saying Jeb “couldn’t be more wrong,” and Puerto Rico would become “the 43rd state.”

9. Colombia’s health ministry has recommended suspending a herbicide used in aerial spraying of cocaine crops after a report by the World Health Organization found it to be a likely cause of cancer. Because, as everyone knows, coke-heads are notoriously strict about what they put in their bodies.

10. Yesterday, it was announced that Lifetime has greenlit a movie entitled “The Unauthorized Full House Story” with casting to begin immediately. You know it’s gonna be pretty sad when Dave Couiler loses out on the part of Dave Couiler.

December 12, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

Posted on by
Reply

1. In a recent interview, Kim Kardashian said she gained weight during her pregnancy because God was punishing her for being so hot. Said God, “Dealing with Kanye should be punishment enough. You got fat on your own.”

2. In a recent interview, Kim Kardashian said she gained weight during her pregnancy because God was punishing her for being so hot. Which isn’t sound logic, because it fails to explain why Khloe’s fat.

3. Boston construction workers have unearthed a time capsule embedded in the cornerstone of the Massachusetts State House believed to date back to 1795. The capsule reportedly contained a writing quill, wig powder and a “Fuck thy Yankees” t-shirt.

4. Using a piece of tape and a pair of scissors, a Keurig coffee machine owner found a way around the company’s restriction of only allowing users to brew coffee licensed by Keurig. Because when you own a single serving coffee maker, you tend to have a lot of free time on your hands.

5. A new app, designed to replace the alarm clock, allows users to be woken on up in the morning by a one-minute phone call from a complete stranger. “Well, I know when I’m no longer needed,” said the guy who lives in the apartment above me.

6. According to a new study, the most marketable player in the NBA is Oklahoma City’s Kevin Durant. While the least marketable player is a 15-way tie between everyone on the Knicks’ roster.

7. Researchers in Australia have developed a prototype sports bra that automatically tightens when it senses breast movement. If by ‘tighten’ you mean ‘stiffen,’ then I got one of those too.

8. Yesterday, a reporter asked Texas Governor Rick Perry if he thought he was smart enough to be president. Said Perry, “I’ll tell you what I tell everyone who asks me that question ‘cowboy goldfish.’”

9. Yesterday, a reporter asked Texas Governor Rick Perry if he thought he was smart enough to be president. Said Perry, “Joke’s on you, I’m not smart enough to be governor.”

10. A mother of six from London was jailed for five years and three months on Thursday after admitting to four counts of distributing terrorist publications via Facebook. Although, if you ask me, I think it’s commendable that a mother of six posted something other than pictures of her kids on Facebook.

11. A British woman is selling her own breast milk for $20 a bottle to help pay for his kids’ Christmas presents. Considering the demand for a strange woman’s breast milk on the open market, I’m guessing those kids may be getting bottles of breast milk as presents this Christmas.

12. KFC has released a message to its Chinese customers to “Come see how we operate for yourself” after many diners were worried about eating their fried chicken due to a safety scare at the fast food chain. This response was better than KFC’s first message, “Oh, now you’re picky, you eat dog.”

13. In a recent interview, former President George W. Bush said that he refers to Hillary Clinton as his “sister-in-law.” Which I assume means Bill fucked Laura.

14. William and Kate, the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge arrived in New York City on Sunday for a three-day visit. They should fit in quite nicely considering how many Wall Street guys also married women way outta their league.

15. A Cuban doctor, who contracted Ebola in Sierra Leone and was cured after experimental treatment in a Swiss hospital, vowed on Saturday to return to West Africa and continue treating patients. Which is extremely noble, until you hear that his other option was to return to Cuba.

16. Disney-Pixar is translating the wildly popular children’s film “Finding Nemo” into Navajo. Said Disney, “Once again, sorry about Pocahontas.’”

December 10, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

Posted on by
Reply

1. On Monday, Prince William and Kate Middleton attended a Brooklyn Nets game with Jay-Z and Beyonce. Not to be outdone, Prince Charles and Camilla were allowed to play point guard for the New York Knicks.

2. Justin Bieber has reportedly dyed his hair platinum blonde. He’s gonna be pretty disappointed when he finds out Peter Pan Live already aired and he didn’t get the Tinkerbell role.

3. Marijuana activists in Washington D.C. are worried that a congressional deal over the budget will thwart November’s popular vote to legalize pot in the district. I can’t believe potheads are being paranoid about something.

4. Former President George W. Bush said a New York grand jury’s decision not to indict the police officer who choked and killed Eric Garner was “hard to understand.” So add that to the long list of things Bush doesn’t understand.

5. On Tuesday, a baby was born on a Southwest flight from San Francisco to Phoenix. The birth marked the first time anything associated with Southwest arrived early.

6. MIT economics professor Jonathan Gruber apologized on Tuesday for his “glib, thoughtless and sometimes downright insulting comments” about Obamacare and the intelligence of American voters. Said Gruber, “I’ll make sure to use small words in this apology so you idiots will understand.”

7. The Syfy channel is developing “Krypton,” a prequel origin series that will tell the story of Superman’s grandfather. The show will mainly consist of the elder Superman complaining about space immigrants taking all the good Kryptonian jobs.

8. Tacked to the end of the 1,603-page government spending bill released by the U.S. House of Representatives late Tuesday is a provision that would enable wealthy individuals to make significantly larger contributions to political parties. Ah, c’mon, I’m only on page 576, you gotta say ‘Spoiler Alert.’

9. On Tuesday, the Oklahoma City Public School Board unanimously voted to remove “Redskins” as the nickname for a local high school. They decided to do so, not because they thought the name was offensive to Native Americans, but because they didn’t want to be associated in any way with that train wreck of a football team in Washington.

10. According to a new study, the day of the week with the most workplace murders is Monday. But, on the plus-side, six-day weekend.

December 8, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

Posted on by
Reply

1. According to the White House, President Obama underwent a routine CT scan Saturday afternoon while visiting Walter Reed Medical Center because of a sore throat. Ironically, the procedure wasn’t covered by his insurance.

2. William and Kate, the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge arrived in New York City on Sunday for a three-day visit. So let me be the first to welcome the Royal Couple to the city by saying “Watch where you’re going and don’t block the sidewalk, you fucking tourists.”

3. A love letter written by Joe DiMaggio to his one-time wife Marilyn Monroe sold for more than $78,000 at auction over the weekend. The one penned by Lou Gehrig sold for significantly less since it was pretty much illegible.

4. A love letter written by Joe DiMaggio to his one-time wife Marilyn Monroe sold for more than $78,000 at auction over the weekend. Proving that romantic gestures by sports greats only increase in value over time, so hang onto those Favre dick pics, ladies.

5. A documentary entitled “Backstreet Boys: Show ‘Em What You’re Made Of” will be released theatrically on January 30 and on demand the weekend of the Super Bowl. Because, odds are, if you’re a fan of the Backstreet Boys, that weekend is open.

6. Six men held for more than a decade at the U.S. military prison at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba, were flown to Uruguay for resettlement on Sunday. “Wait, what?” said Uruguay.

7. Thousands of mourners gathered in downtown Washington on Saturday to bid farewell to former mayor Marion Barry. There wasn’t a dry, non-bloodshot eye in the house, for various reasons.

8. The LA Galaxy won a record fifth Major League Soccer title with a 2-1 victory over the New England Revolution during Sunday’s MLS Cup. Said U.S. soccer fans, “We exist?”

9. Comedian Bill Cosby’s star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame was vandalized on Friday with the word “rapist” written over it. Actually, it had been there for 40 years, but apparently no one noticed until recently.

10. A small but growing number of Arabs are moving into Jewish settlements on occupied land in Israel. Said the Arabs, “They were right, it is a little drafty in here.”

October 3, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

Posted on by
Reply

1. It was reported yesterday that comedian Adam Sandler signed a four picture deal with Netflix. And, in related news, Rob Schneider has signed a deal to open an account with Netflix.

2. It was reported yesterday that comedian Adam Sandler signed a four picture deal with Netflix. So now you don’t even need to leave the comfort of your own home to not watch the next Adam Sandler movie.

3. A new study suggests, people who work in offices with more plants tend to be happier. This according to “High Times” magazine.

4. Voter registration in Ferguson, Missouri, has jumped nearly 30 percent since August 9, when the fatal shooting of an unarmed black teen triggered riots. Said Ferguson residents, “We weren’t sure how serious they were, but didn’t want to take our chances with this whole ‘Vote or Die’ campaign.”

5. According to “People” magazine, actors Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis welcomed a baby girl into the world Tuesday. The couple reportedly went the extra mile and got a theft proof cradle just in case Demi visits.

6. A dog that fell into a hot tar pit near a construction site in India was saved following a four hour rescue mission. The canine was covered head-to-toe in tar, or as it is known in the neighboring country of China, seasoning.

7. Up to 100 people may have come in contact with the Texas man who is the first person in the U.S. to be diagnosed with Ebola. So he probably shouldn’t have gone to that Astros game.

8. JP Morgan said Thursday that cybercriminals gathered information on more than 800 million account holders as part of a massive bank hack this summer. Said a representative for JP Morgan, “The whole incident is regretful, specifically regret that we didn’t get the chance to steal that money before the cybercriminals.”

9. On Thursday, the NFL announced that they will move the 2015 Draft from New York City, where it has been held for over 30 years, to Chicago. The Draft is expected to lead to a boom in Chicago’s economy, especially the city’s bail bonds men sector.

10. Lawyers for Prince William and his wife Kate have sent letters to photographers asking them to stop following their son, Prince George, and his nanny around public parks. Said Kim Kardashian, “There are photos in parks looking for pictures of famous babies!?! Quick, grab a stroller and whatever my kid’s name is, and let’s go!!!”

11. A student at a Florida high school was forced to remove his costume after he came to school spirit day dressed as a condom. “A what?” said school slut Becky.

12. Hammad Akbar, the creator of StealthGenie, a mobile app marketed as a tool for spying on cheating spouses and monitoring children, was arrested yesterday. Which isn’t all bad news for Akbar, because if he likes devices that keep tabs on people, he’s gonna love his new ankle bracelet.

13. The Federal Communications Commission indicted on Tuesday that it is considering imposing a punishment on broadcasters who use the word “Redskins” when announcing Washington football games. Look if you can figure out what Shannon Sharpe is saying, be my guest.

14. Troubled former teen star Amanda Bynes was arrested over the weekend on a misdemeanor charge of driving under the influence of drugs in Los Angeles. Bynes reportedly failed the roadside sobriety test when she identified herself.

15. The Indonesian province of Aceh on Saturday approved an anti-homosexuality law that can punish anyone caught having gay sex with 100 lashes. But, as any paparazzo who has followed John Travolta around can attest, it’s really hard to catch someone having gay sex.

16. A woman has sued Disney claiming that they stole her life story for the plot to the movie “Frozen.” While Prince Charles wishes his life was more like the plot to “the Lion King.”

July 23, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

Posted on by
Reply

1. After leaving rehab, Toronto Mayor Rob Ford held a press conference in which he described himself as “healthy as a horse.” And, if that’s the case, get ready for another outbreak of hoof-in-mouth disease.

2. Last month was the hottest June on record. While the least hottest June remains Mama June from “Here Comes Honey Boo Boo.”

3. According to a recent poll, Vladimir Putin’s approval rating in Russia is at an all-time high. Which is good news for Putin and great news for that pollster and his loved ones.

4. Yesterday was Prince William and Kate Middleton’s son George’s first birthday. He celebrated by babbling nonsense and soiling himself, just like his great-grandma.

5. Beverly Hills police have told Justin Bieber’s neighbors that they have the right to make a citizen’s arrest if the pop star continues to throw loud parties and disturb the peace. Does the same rule apply when he’s in concert?

6. The FDA has placed a recall on various fruit items, including peaches and nectarines, sold at Walmart due to a possible Listeria contamination. Said Walmart customers, “What’s fruit?”

7. The Obama administration is developing a method for religious organizations opposed to contraception coverage under the Affordable Care Act to opt out of providing the coverage in their health plans without filling out a form. The key is knowing the exact right time to pull out.

8. According to local police, thieves have been stealing air conditioning units from rural Tennessee churches during this summer’s heat wave. Said the criminals, “If I’m going to burn for all of eternity, I might as well be comfortable now.”

9. New Yorkers awoke to find two white flags hung in place of the American flags that traditionally flutter atop the Brooklyn Bridge on Tuesday morning. So it’s official, Americans have become so fat that the Brooklyn Bridge surrendered.

10. In a recent interview with GQ, Kanye West said he loves Kim Kardashian because she is unique “like a fighter jet or a dinosaur.” And since he’s a rapper, I don’t think it’s a coincidence that “fighter jet” rhymes with “brunette” and “dinosaur” rhymes with “gigantic whore.”

May 15, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

Posted on by
Reply

1. This week, former Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney said he supports efforts to raise the minimum wage to $10. But that’s only because he doesn’t know that $1 and $5 bills exist.

2. According to a new report, 1 in 4 adults worldwide are anti-Semitic. The number used to be much lower, but then Donald Sterling opened his mouth.

3. The Oprah Winfrey Network announced on Wednesday that it had purchased the rights to a documentary series that will follow the life of openly gay NFL draftee Michael Sam. The last time OWN cameras were in a football locker room was that episode of “Lindsay” where she fucked the entire roster of the Dallas Cowboys.

4. The formal royal editor of Rupert Murdoch’s News of the World tabloid admitted to a London court to repeatedly hacking the phones of Princes William and Harry. While those compromising pictures of Camilla Parker Bowles remain completely untouched on Prince Charles’ phone.

5. A 100-carat yellow diamond sold at auction for $9.7 million to a private buyer yesterday. Begging the question, what’s Kobe apologizing for this time?

6. On Monday, Pope Francis said he’d baptize Martians if they showed up at the Vatican demanding to be baptized. So, for the record, gays no, Martians yes.

7. Justin Bieber is being accused of stealing a woman’s cell phone after she allegedly took pictures of the pop star’s involvement in an altercation. Is it possible that Biebs is modeling his life after King Joffrey and, if so, can please let it end the same way.

8. A world-renowned underwater explorer believes he’s found Christopher Columbus’ long-lost cargo ship, the Santa Maria, which was wrecked by a storm off the coast of Haiti. So, at this rate, we’ll find Malaysian flight 370 by 2536.

9. According to a new study, women are at an increased risk of being seriously injured from a motor vehicle accident during the second trimester of pregnancy. Making for the very weird slogan of “Abortions, you’ll drive better.”

10. Jay-Z, Beyonce and Drake led the BET Award nominations announced on Wednesday with five nods apiece. While the “Biggest Hit of the Year” category was locked up by Solange Knowles last week.

Monologue Jokes – September 13, 2013

Posted on by
Reply

1. A teenage robber who was running away with his hands full of loot from a Florida church was caught when his baggy pants started slipping off. Which left the priest, who was in pursuit, with a very difficult decision.

2. Yesterday, federal authorities filed court documents claiming that a Boston-area man, who was planning to kidnap children, lock them in a basement dungeon and eat them, should be locked up for a minimum of 27 years. Or, at the very least, be forced to move to Cleveland.

3. On Thursday, Kensington Palace said that after more than seven years of military service, Prince William is leaving the armed forced to focus on royal duties and charity work. Good to see Prince William taking some time off from taking some time off.

4. On Thursday, Kensington Palace said that after more than seven years of military service, Prince William is leaving the armed forced to focus on royal duties and charity work. Meanwhile, Prince Harry is focusing his royal duties on working with a chick named Charity.

5. Alaska’s Lieutenant Governor Mead Treadwell announced on Wednesday that new mapping technology has measured Mount McKinley at 20,237 feet, 83 feet shorter than previously thought. But, Alaska’s pretty cold and, as any guy will tell you, that sort of thing can happen.

6. Yesterday, NBC announced that Carson Daly will be joining the Today Show. No word on how big a hissy-fit Ryan Seacrest threw when he heard the news.

7. Best-selling author J.K. Rowling has agreed to write a screenplay for Warner Brothers that will take place in the wizarding-world of Harry Potter. The working title of the project is “Harry Potter and the Beating of a Dead Horse.”

8. Scientists have found massive underground water supplies in the arid northern regions of Kenya. The discovery will save hundreds of Kenyans from making the long daily trek from their village to the closest well and bring us Americans a little closer to finally winning a marathon.

9. According to a large study, children who live near nuclear power plants have no greater risk of developing leukemia or the non-Hodgkins lymphoma form of cancer. This study was published in the “New England Journal of How Did We Get People to Agree to Be Part of this Experiment?”

10. Shiping Bao, the medical examiner who changed his mind on crucial aspects during his testimony at the George Zimmerman trial, has been fired. Said Zimmerman, “He should have been more decisive, it’s never led me astray.”

11. Yesterday, during CBS’s “the Talk,” co-host Julie Chen admitted to getting plastic surgery to look “less Asian” earlier in her career. But, of course all the hard work done by the surgeon goes out the window whenever Chen has to drive anywhere.

12. Pope Francis plans to drive a used 1984 Renault car with 186,000 miles on it around Vatican City. Reportedly the Pope did not care about the age of the car so long as it came with Sirius radio so he could listen to Howard Stern.