Tag Archives: Food and Drug Administration

August 17, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

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1. Security experts believe that cybercriminals are trying to manipulate the U.S. presidential election. “I’m back in the game, baby!” said Bernie.

2. Yesterday it was reported that former head of Fox News Roger Ailes is helping Republican nominee Donald Trump prepare for the upcoming presidential debates. Because who better to help you prepare to debate the first female presidential candidate in United States history than the guy who was just fired for allegedly sexually harassing a bunch of women. Who’s his other advisor, Cosby?

3. Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump visited Milwaukee on Tuesday, just days after the city erupted in violent riots. And I can think of no better deterrent to civil unrest than knowing it will result in a visit from Donald Trump.

4. Actors Johnny Depp and Amber Heard announced via a joint statement on Tuesday that they have privately settled their divorce case. Details of how much Heard got in the settlement weren’t released but I think it’s safe to say she’ll never have to buy another scarf for the rest of her life.

5. A Navy sailor facing prison time for taking photos of a classified U.S. nuclear submarine is asking a federal judge for leniency, citing the government’s decision not to indict Hillary Clinton for mishandling classified information. And, if that doesn’t work, he plans on taking a page out of the other candidate’s book and claiming he can’t get a fair trial because the judge is Mexican.

6. After finishing fourth in the women’s 4×100 meter relay on Sunday, Chinese swimmer Fu Yuanhui said she didn’t swim well because she was on her period. Proving that any female swimming event can be considered synchronized swimming if the women hang around each other enough.

7. The FDA wants to make it harder to buy and sell poop. “Alright, I guess we’ll just give away our CD then,” said Nickelback.

8. In a recently released song, rapper The Game claims to have slept with three Kardashians. “So…?” said the entire NBA.

9. In response to allegations of cheating, actor Billy Bob Thornton assured Johnny Depp that he never slept with Depp’s ex-wife Amber Heard. Said Thornton, “My name is Billy Bob. She’s not my sister. Case closed.”

10. KFC is now licensed to sell marijuana in its Canadian stores. Which goes a long way in explaining their new choice for the Colonel:

kfc

January 5, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

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1. Actor Robert Downey Jr., who spent time in prison in the late 1990s for drug convictions, received a full and unconditional pardon last week from California Governor Jerry Brown. Which can only mean one thing, Jerry Brown never saw “Due Date.”

2. On Thursday, Xochitl Hinojosa, a spokeswoman for Hillary Clinton, said the Democratic candidate has “real concerns” about reports that the U.S. government is intensifying the deportation of Central American migrants who are in the country illegally. Although, maybe, this a story Hillary’s other spokeswoman, Mary Smith, should have handled.

3. Taiwanese researchers have developed an app for your iPhone that can differentiate between a variety of crying sounds made by babies. The most common cry, put down your damn phone.

4. A man dressed as Santa Claus robbed a small-town Canadian jewelry store at gunpoint on Christmas Eve, before dashing away in a Hummer. I wasn’t sure he was an asshole until the Hummer part.

5. Former New York Governor George Pataki told reporters last Tuesday he will be dropping out of the race for the 2016 Republican presidential nomination. Said reporters, “And you are who?”

6. Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg said his New Year’s Resolution for 2016 is to develop and code an artificial intelligence personal assistant to help run his life. “Well, fuck you too,” said his actual assistant.

7. According to a new report, a story that Republican presidential candidate Jeb Bush is fond of telling on the campaign trail, in which he was named the NRA’s “Statesman of the Year” and awarded a gun by Charlton Heston, is not true. “Hey, making up stories is my thing,” said Ben Carson.

8. Yesterday, Tom Coughlin stepped down as head coach of the New York Giants after a 6-10 record in 2015. Coughlin said he wants to spend more time at home being disappointed by his family.

9. Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump on Monday released his first television commercial in the 2016 race for the White House. The ad will air exclusively in the early voting states of Iowa and New Hampshire and will always interrupt a Jeb Bush ad.

10. The FDA said on Monday it had taken steps to strengthen the data requirements for surgical mesh devices when used to repair pelvic organ prolapse via the vagina. Which is good news for patients and great news for Shaq’s wife.

August 19, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

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1. Yesterday, customer data stolen from the infidelity website Ashley Madison was published by hackers on the “dark web,” a part of the internet that can’t be found by common search engines like Google. Said cheaters whose info was stolen, “Wait, there’s a part of the internet that, let’s say a significant other, can’t search?”

2. On Tuesday, the FDA approved a drug to treat low sexual desire in women. “Talk about bad timing,” said Cosby.

3. George Zimmerman is selling paintings of the Confederate flag to support a Florida gun store owner who declared his business a “Muslim-free zone.” Zimmerman said he did this to remind everyone that he is still human garbage.

4. Yesterday, Google launched a Wi-Fi router designed for personal, home use. The router will scan the airwaves to spot the quickest connection allowing Google to steal your information faster than ever before.

5. On Tuesday, the Spanish government condemned a reggae festival’s decision to cancel a concert by a Jewish musician after he refused to clarify his position on Palestinian statehood. Although, you had my support at “condemned a reggae festival.”

6. On Tuesday, President Obama appointed the first openly transgender White House staff member. “Really?” said Janet Reno.

7. The first recording contract ever signed by the Beatles is expected to fetch over $150,000 when it goes up for auction next month. It would go for more, but Ringo signed it as well.

8. A new startup in San Francisco is working to deliver medical marijuana via drones. Because what better way to service a paranoid customer base than by sending drones to their homes.

9. Now that she’s 18, Kylie Jenner has been offered up to $10 million to star in a sex tape with her boyfriend. And I have the perfect name for it, “Keeping Up with the Kardashians.”

10. On Monday, Republican Donald Trump completed his jury duty in New York in one day. Said Trump, “They had to dismiss me because it’s impossible to find eleven people who could be considered my peers.”

July 28, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

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1. Presidential candidate Hillary Clinton on Monday vowed to battle climate change with a plan to generate enough clean energy to power every U.S. home by 2027. Her plan, get rid of a lot of U.S. homes by 2027.

2. A new study suggests, teens are more likely to use electronic cigarettes if their fiends and family view them as cool. That story again, douchebags tend to hang out together.

3. A fugitive bank robber-turned-actor was arrested on Monday in Washington after U.S. agents spotted his picture in a newspaper article about a low-budget horror film in which he plays an evil doctor. Said the man, “I knew I should have taken that role in ‘Pixels,’ no one would have seen me in that.”

4. The FDA has banned the import of fresh cilantro from Mexico after evidence showed the crop could be tainted with human feces. Said Taco Bell, “Ew, cilantro.”

5. While giving a speech in Florida, presidential candidate Jeb Bush said the race for the Republican nomination will be a long one and called himself “a joyful tortoise.” “You’ll be hearing from my lawyers,” said Mitch McConnell.

6. After getting into a fight with his girlfriend Mia Goth in Germany Friday night, actor Shia LaBeouf said he “would have killed her” if onlookers hadn’t intervened. Marking the first time anyone was happy to have watched something that Shia LaBeouf was involved in.

7. Thirty-five women who allege they were sexually assaulted by comedian Bill Cosby are featured on the cover of this week’s ‘New York’ magazine. Said Cosby, “See, you’re on the cover of a magazine, I told I would help you with your careers.”

8. After the premiere of “Sharknado 3” last week, the SyFy network confirmed that there will be a “Sharknado 4.” Which means somewhere in the world there’s a room full of monkeys on typewriters hard at work.

9. Three man in Florida are recovering after being struck by lightning at America’s largest public nude beach. Giving new meaning to the term “lightning rod.”

10. Doctors in China saved a man’s severed hand by initially grafting it onto his leg. Said the man, “It would have been really convenient if you had attached it just a little bit higher.”

June 3, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

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1. AOL launched a new homepage yesterday. So expect a panicked call from your parents. “My email’s missing!!!!”

2. Sepp Blatter stunned the world of soccer yesterday by unexpectedly resigning as FIFA president amid a growing corruption investigation. Begging the question, how much was Blatter bribed to quit?

3. The FDA has raised concerns about the safety of flibanserin, an experimental women’s libido drug, saying it increased the risk of fainting, especially when combined with alcohol. “What’s that drug called again?” said Bill Cosby.

4. NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell on Tuesday rejected a request by the players union that he recuse himself as the arbitrator on the Deflategate appeal of Patriots quarterback Tom Brady. Making Goodell the only person in the world who wants to hear more about Deflategate.

5. Rapper Kanye West is rumored to be interested in buying the Neverland Ranch from the estate of the late Michael Jackson. Which makes sense, since one of them is arguably the greatest musician of our generation while the other one will argue it.

6. A woman in England is going to jail for two weeks because of neighbor complaints that she was having extremely loud sex. But I assume she’ll be there a lot longer after she kills a guy during her first conjugal visit.

7. An internal investigation of the TSA revealed security failures at dozens of the nation’s busiest airports, where undercover investigators were able to smuggle mock explosives and banned weapons through checkpoints 95% of the time. But, on the plus-side, those planes were 100% water bottle free.

8. Amid a looming government shutdown, Alaska Governor Bill Walker issued layoff notes on Monday to more than 10,000 state employees. You know you’re doing a bad job when people long for the days of Sarah Palin.

9. E.L. James, author of the successful ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’ erotic novels, has written a new entry in the series that takes the point of view of its male character, Christian Grey. “Fine. Great. Whatever. Just give it to me!” said your aunt.

10. Irritated by accusations of lavishness, Turkish President Tayyip Erdogan has vowed to resign if the leader of the main opposition party can find a single golden toilet seat in his new palace. But, since Erdogan’s VP is R. Kelly, the same does not go for golden showers.

May 1, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

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1. The California ALCU launched a mobile app on Thursday that will let bystanders record cell phone videos of police misconduct and then send the footage to the organization’s computer server. And, in future news, the ACLU’s computer server has exploded.

2. According to tech experts, wearables like the new Apple Watch will be overtaken by hearables, devices with tiny chips that can fit inside your ear, in the next five years. “Who looks stupid now?’ said the guy wearing the bluetooth headset.

3. Last night, the Tampa Bay Buccaneers selected Florida State quarterback Jameis Winston as the number one overall selection in the 2015 NFL Draft. So good work Jameis Winston and good luck Tampa Bay Police Department.

4. According to a new survey, New York is the most popular city for young people aged 15 to 29 years old. And, if those kids play their cards right, they’ll have a semi-obstructed view of the New York City skyline from the Hoboken studio apartment they share with 8 other young people.

5. This week, Pope Francis came out in favor of wage equality for women. Which is very easy to say when you don’t employ any women.

6. A company is developing a selfie-stick that looks like a human arm so it doesn’t appear like the user is alone in his pictures. And trust me, if you’re carrying around something that looks like a human arm, you’re gonna be alone in all your pictures.

7. The co-founder of Weight Watchers died this week at the age of 91. “Feels like someone took a few extra cheat-days,” said his pallbearers.

8. In a recent interview, Kendall Jenner said she had a tough time breaking into the modeling business. She said her big break came the moment she said she wanted to be a model.

9. Starbucks is now offering a new s’mores flavored cappuccino. It is the most delicious way to stunt your kid’s growth.

10. A new study has fond a link between being too thin and an increased risk of developing dementia. Which may explain why Janice Dickinson still thinks she’s relevant.

11. Senator Bernie Sanders of Vermont announced his candidacy for the Democratic presidential nomination this week. Said Sanders, “Ever since I was a little boy, I always dreamed of being Vice President.

12. Famed animal researcher Jane Goodall said she believes Sea World should be shut down because it is cruel to animals. Goodall also believes Epcot should be shut down because it’s “boring as fuck.”

13. On Monday, Chipotle became the first major U.S. restaurant chain to become 100% free of genetically modified organisms. “Well, I can see where I’m no longer welcomed,” said A-Rod.

14. Two women, stranded in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan for almost two weeks survived on girl scout cookies and snow for water. Their ordeal marked the first time in history that anyone ever said non-sarcastically, “Good news, we got another box of Lemonades.”

15. Offering free breastfeeding support at the drugstore may help some nursing mothers who don’t have easy access to advice elsewhere. This, according to that creepy guy who works behind the counter at your local Walgreens.

16. Mattel said on Friday it has ended production of its Sea World Trainer Barbie doll. So now, if Barbie says “something smells fishy,” it will be in regards to Ken’s sexual orientation.

17. Presidential hopeful Marco Rubio is reportedly reaching out to gay Republicans. Said gay Republicans, “Make it a reach-around and we’ll talk.”

18. According to reports, ABC is set to reboot the Muppets TV show with a more adult theme. For instance, in one episode, the audience gets to hear Statler and Waldorf’s opinions on how the gays and Puerto Ricans are ruining this country.

April 10, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

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1. According to reports, Hillary Clinton is expected to launch her 2016 presidential campaign sometime in the next two weeks. Said Bill, “Keggar. My place. Sometime in the next two weeks.”

2. The Oklahoma Senate on Thursday passed a bill that would allow nitrogen gas as an execution method. And, to add a little levity to the proceedings, helium gas will be used for the inmates’ last words.

3. Amazon has sued four websites to stop them from selling fake, positive product reviews. The online retailer became wise to the scheme when a DVD copy of Mortdecai got two stars.

4. On Wednesday, Rand Paul released a comic book detailing his campaign initiatives. So, if you like comic books, you’re gonna hate this.

5. President Obama invited the Washington Wizards to the White House this week for a game of basketball. “Oh, I get it now,” said a visibly disappointed Biden when he showed up dressed as Gandolf.

6. According to a new poll taken in Cuba, President Obama is more popular than Fidel Castro. So now Fidel Castro and Mitt Romney have exactly one thing in common.

7. In a recent interview, Los Angeles Lakers coach Byron Scott said, given the opportunity, he thinks most of his players would shoot him in the back. But he’s not worried because Kobe would never give a teammate a chance to shoot.

8. In a recent interview, actress Sofia Vergara said she wishes she had fake boobs. “Are you crazy? You’re boobs are perfect,” said men everywhere, “Unless you were thinking about going bigger because we could get on board with that.”

9. A New Jersey teacher said governor Chris Christie isn’t a good role model for kids because he uses phrases like “shut up” and “idiot.” And, since this is New Jersey, I assume her problem is that he’s not using phrases like “fuhgeddaboudit” or “fanook” instead.

10. On Wednesday, the FDA announced a recall of 30,000 cases of Sabra hummus due to a possible listeria contamination. “Oh dear God, No!” said white people.

11. Yesterday it was announced that Eddie Murphy will receive this year’s Mark Twain Prize for American Humor. Because just like Mark Twain, Eddie Murphy used to be funny.

12. British Prime Minister David Cameron is taking criticism from the working class after being caught on camera eating a hotdog with a knife and fork. If British voters want a leader who doesn’t use utensils, may I suggest Chris Christie. Sometimes he doesn’t even bother to chew.

13. Kentucky Senator and presidential hopeful Rand Paul is selling autographed copies of the Constitution on his website for $1,000 a piece. He’s also selling unautographed copies  for $2,000.

14. A review of 11 popular commercial diets found that Jenny Craig and Weight Watchers were the most effective long-term weight loss programs. The least effective, Ruben Studdard’s Handfuls of Butter diet.

15. According to reports, Hillary Clinton has signed a lease on an office building in Brooklyn that will most likely be her 2016 campaign headquarters. The Clinton campaign settled upon Brooklyn after Bill watched an episode of “Girls.”

July 23, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

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1. After leaving rehab, Toronto Mayor Rob Ford held a press conference in which he described himself as “healthy as a horse.” And, if that’s the case, get ready for another outbreak of hoof-in-mouth disease.

2. Last month was the hottest June on record. While the least hottest June remains Mama June from “Here Comes Honey Boo Boo.”

3. According to a recent poll, Vladimir Putin’s approval rating in Russia is at an all-time high. Which is good news for Putin and great news for that pollster and his loved ones.

4. Yesterday was Prince William and Kate Middleton’s son George’s first birthday. He celebrated by babbling nonsense and soiling himself, just like his great-grandma.

5. Beverly Hills police have told Justin Bieber’s neighbors that they have the right to make a citizen’s arrest if the pop star continues to throw loud parties and disturb the peace. Does the same rule apply when he’s in concert?

6. The FDA has placed a recall on various fruit items, including peaches and nectarines, sold at Walmart due to a possible Listeria contamination. Said Walmart customers, “What’s fruit?”

7. The Obama administration is developing a method for religious organizations opposed to contraception coverage under the Affordable Care Act to opt out of providing the coverage in their health plans without filling out a form. The key is knowing the exact right time to pull out.

8. According to local police, thieves have been stealing air conditioning units from rural Tennessee churches during this summer’s heat wave. Said the criminals, “If I’m going to burn for all of eternity, I might as well be comfortable now.”

9. New Yorkers awoke to find two white flags hung in place of the American flags that traditionally flutter atop the Brooklyn Bridge on Tuesday morning. So it’s official, Americans have become so fat that the Brooklyn Bridge surrendered.

10. In a recent interview with GQ, Kanye West said he loves Kim Kardashian because she is unique “like a fighter jet or a dinosaur.” And since he’s a rapper, I don’t think it’s a coincidence that “fighter jet” rhymes with “brunette” and “dinosaur” rhymes with “gigantic whore.”

May 12, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

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1. An elderly couple in Queens got married over the weekend after dating for 55 years. When asked what took so long, the groom-to-be-replied, “Why buy the cow, when you’re getting the spoiled milk for free?”

2. Last week, while in rehab, Rob Ford got in trouble for making phone calls to journalists from inside the facility. Which sounds innocent enough, until you find out that Edward Journalists is Ford’s drug dealer.

3. On Friday, the FDA approved a robotic hand for amputees nicknamed “Star Wars” in honor of the Luke Skywalker character. It’s big news for amputees who are fans of the “Star Wars” movies because, I’m guessing, they use their hand a lot.

4. Chicago Mayor Rahm Emanuel on Friday joined the Ready for Hillary group that is urging former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton to run for president in 2016. While President Obama joined the Really Ready for Hillary group that is urging her to run for president in 2014.

5. According to a new study, professional musicians may have almost four times the risk of hearing loss than their audience. Said Nickelback, “What’s an audience?”

6. A Harvard University student group who is planning to hold a re-enactment of a satanic ritual on campus has drawn criticism from local Roman Catholic officials. Although, considering this is Boston, there’s a good chance this whole thing is just one big mix-up over the use of the word “wicked.”

7. 111-year-old, New York City resident Alexander Imich has been named the world’s oldest living man. Imich, a lifelong New Yorker, said he briefly considered moving to Florida when he retired, but they hadn’t discovered it yet.

8. Yesterday was Mothers’ Day or, as Casey Anthony calls it, Sunday.

9. Senator Marco Rubio, a potential Republican White House candidate for 2016, said “I do” on Sunday when asked if he thinks he is ready to be President. But, if he’s anything like every other politician, he doesn’t take those two words very seriously.

10. On Friday, twin girls in Ohio were born holding hands. Said the mother, “ONE AT A TIME!!!!.”

November 26, 2013 – Monologue Jokes

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1. Gamblers across New Jersey can start placing bets online now after state regulators on Monday approved 13 internet gaming websites. “Yeah, start,” said most New Jerseyians.

2. Greece has set up its first “drug consumption” rooms to contain a surge of infectious diseases among drug addicts. Greece officials say they got the idea by visiting an American Starbucks bathroom.

3. According to a recently released study, men most often regret not having sex with more people whole women frequently regret having sex the wrong partner. Which has led me to my newest pick-up line: Whether we have sex or not, one of us is gonna regret it. 

4. The FDA said it was looking into whether the morning-after pill fails to work in women over a certain weight. Said men, “Don’t worry, those extra 20 pounds should do the trick.”

5. On Monday, Russian President Vladimir Putin signed a law banning advertisements for abortion. So, if you love in Russia and want to see a convincing argument for abortion, you’ll have to wait until Justin Bieber’s tour rolls back around. 

6. Ten former players have filed a class action lawsuit against the NHL, claiming the league did not do enough to prevent concussions. Said one of the players, “Salami!”

7. Thousands of horse-lovers paraded their animals through central Paris on Sunday in a protest against a planned sales tax rise they say will put riding centers out of business. A horse-related event hasn’t gotten this much attention in France since the Paris premiere of the movie co-starring Sarah Jessica Parker and Hillary Swank.

8. According to a new report, the beloved tiger made famous by his role as Richard Parker in “Life of Pi” almost drowned while on set. Or maybe he’s just a method actor. 

9. Yesterday, “Entertainment Weekly” named actress Sandra Bullock 2013’s entertainer of the year. “You might be entertained now. But trust me, you’ll lose interest soon,” said Jesse James. 

10. A spokesperson for House Speaker John Boehner confirmed that the top Republican leading the charge against Obamacare is now signed up for it and will take thousands of dollars in government support to help with its cost. Well if that’s not the pot calling the kettle orange.