July 23, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. After leaving rehab, Toronto Mayor Rob Ford held a press conference in which he described himself as “healthy as a horse.” And, if that’s the case, get ready for another outbreak of hoof-in-mouth disease.

2. Last month was the hottest June on record. While the least hottest June remains Mama June from “Here Comes Honey Boo Boo.”

3. According to a recent poll, Vladimir Putin’s approval rating in Russia is at an all-time high. Which is good news for Putin and great news for that pollster and his loved ones.

4. Yesterday was Prince William and Kate Middleton’s son George’s first birthday. He celebrated by babbling nonsense and soiling himself, just like his great-grandma.

5. Beverly Hills police have told Justin Bieber’s neighbors that they have the right to make a citizen’s arrest if the pop star continues to throw loud parties and disturb the peace. Does the same rule apply when he’s in concert?

6. The FDA has placed a recall on various fruit items, including peaches and nectarines, sold at Walmart due to a possible Listeria contamination. Said Walmart customers, “What’s fruit?”

7. The Obama administration is developing a method for religious organizations opposed to contraception coverage under the Affordable Care Act to opt out of providing the coverage in their health plans without filling out a form. The key is knowing the exact right time to pull out.

8. According to local police, thieves have been stealing air conditioning units from rural Tennessee churches during this summer’s heat wave. Said the criminals, “If I’m going to burn for all of eternity, I might as well be comfortable now.”

9. New Yorkers awoke to find two white flags hung in place of the American flags that traditionally flutter atop the Brooklyn Bridge on Tuesday morning. So it’s official, Americans have become so fat that the Brooklyn Bridge surrendered.

10. In a recent interview with GQ, Kanye West said he loves Kim Kardashian because she is unique “like a fighter jet or a dinosaur.” And since he’s a rapper, I don’t think it’s a coincidence that “fighter jet” rhymes with “brunette” and “dinosaur” rhymes with “gigantic whore.”

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.