Tag Archives: Mother’s Day

May 13, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

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1. Yesterday, Verizon bought AOL for $4.4 billion because it’s still illegal to actually set money on fire.

2. A man in China was arrested for attempting to smuggle heroin into the country hidden in his foreskin. As he was being hauled away, the man could be heard yelling, “Tell everyone it was a lot of heroin!”

3. Kim Kardashian has been criticized for using too much water on her front lawn during the ongoing drought in California. And, of course, people are also criticizing her for the amount of oil she’s been using on her ‘backyard.’

4. Former President Bill Clinton said on Tuesday, he will move back into the White House if his wife Hillary wins the presidency next year. Adding, he’s never been in a house with so many choices of couches to sleep on.

5. One of Kanye West’s ex-girlfriends recently accused him of using ghostwriters to come up with his music. “That’s not 100% true. When I wrote ’Niggas in Paris’ I never thought of setting it to music,” said Paula Deen.

6. An anonymous group of New York Jets fans took a shot at Patriots quarterback Tom Brady by purchasing space on twelve electronic billboards in New Jersey with the message “#TomShady.” Although calling them “an anonymous group of Jets fans” seems redundant.

7. According to a new study, people with more education and higher socioeconomic status, generally white males, tend to drink more than others. So thank God Billy Joel never went to college because he’d probably be dead by now.

8. The Word Health Organization is advising scientists to stop naming diseases after people. Which is good news for patient zeros and great news for those scientists’ ex-wives.

9. Scientists have discovered a way to return sight to blind mice. It was actually a simple fix, they just stopped showing the mice pictures of Star Jones in a bikini.

10. Over the weekend, President Obama surprised three mothers by calling them unannounced and wishing them a happy Mother’s Day. Obama decided not to ask them how their special day was going since the NSA already filled him in.

May 11, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

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1. Last week, following a live performance, Maroon 5 lead singer Adam Levine was covered in powdered sugar after a fan threw a bag containing the sweet confection at him. Levine said he was scared, while fellow singer Adele said she was jealous.

2. Yesterday was Mother’s Day. So, if this is the first you’re hearing about it, you’re either an orphan or are one now.

3. On Sunday, President Obama surprised three mothers with individual phone calls to wish them a happy Mother’s Day. So hopefully their kids called first because good luck trying to follow that shit.

4. On Friday, President Obama completed his goal of visiting all fifty states while in office by making a stop in South Dakota. Said Obama, “Okay, now let’s get the fuck outta here.”

5. Haile Gebrselassie, considered one of athletics’ greatest distance runners, said on Sunday he was retiring from competitive running. “Oh, thank God,” said announcers.

6. According to the New York Times, taxi service Uber has submitted a $3 billion bid for Nokia’s map business HERE. The bid would have been for less, but it was submitted during peak hours.

7. A winning Conservative candidate in Britain’s general election said on Friday he would like to thank the anonymous voter who drew a penis next to his name on the ballot and had it counted as a valid vote. Even worse, he didn’t draw a ‘hanging chad,’ if you know what I mean.

8. The Australian Sex Party, a tiny political party known for its salacious name and election day antics, said on Thursday that it had been deregistered after the country’s election watchdog ruled it did not have enough activists. Or, more accurately, like most sex parties, it was cancelled because it did not have enough female activists.

9. A defense department audit has found that a number of Pentagon credit cards were used to gamble and pay for pornography. Said Pentagon officials, “We were just trying to solve the mystery of who Deep Throat was.”

10. Oil leaked into the Hudson River on Sunday after a transformer fire and explosion a day earlier at a nuclear power plant north of New York City. As a result, the mob has dropped “with the fishes” from their threats.

May 7, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

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1. Michael Jackson’s glove and George Harrison’s guitar are set to be auction off in New York next week. Man, if that guitar could talk it would probably say “Get me away from that glove.”

2. Austrian prosecutors have charged the owner of a basement filled with Adolf Hitler paraphernalia as a Nazis sympathizer. “See, that’s why you gotta have a pool house,” said Mel Gibson.

3. Politico reported on Wednesday that Michigan Governor Rick Snyder will not seek the Republican nomination for president in 2016. You know, if the Republicans who are not interested in running for president came forward, we could save a lot of time.

4. The birth certificate of the new royal baby lists her father’s occupation as prince of the United Kingdom. While the same spot on North West’s birth certificate says “You know who the fuck I am!”

5. Former U.S. Senator Rick Santorum told FoxNews on Wednesday, he will announced on May 28 whether he will seek the Republican presidential nomination in 2016. Santorum said he is tempted to run since, now that Ted Cruz is in, he will no longer be considered ‘the crazy one.’

6. On Mother’s Day, moms who go to Hooters can get a free meal with any drink purchase. It’s a great backup plan in case the strip club buffet runs out of food.

7. According to a recently released report, New England quarterback Tom Brady was “at least generally aware” of the scheme to deliberately deflate footballs to gain an advantage last season. “See, it’s not my fault, I was around bad influences,” said Aaron Hernandez.

8. According to new data, millennials are having fewer babies. “Guess it’s time to start sending resumes around,” said the producers of ’16 and Pregnant.’

9. According to new World Health Organization projections, Europe will face an obesity crisis of vast proportions by 2030. Although, it seemed inappropriate for the report to label America as a cautionary tale.

10. A new study has found a link between being too thin and an increased risk of developing dementia. Which means, in 20 years, Kelly Ripa may be more senile than Regis.

May 12, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

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1. An elderly couple in Queens got married over the weekend after dating for 55 years. When asked what took so long, the groom-to-be-replied, “Why buy the cow, when you’re getting the spoiled milk for free?”

2. Last week, while in rehab, Rob Ford got in trouble for making phone calls to journalists from inside the facility. Which sounds innocent enough, until you find out that Edward Journalists is Ford’s drug dealer.

3. On Friday, the FDA approved a robotic hand for amputees nicknamed “Star Wars” in honor of the Luke Skywalker character. It’s big news for amputees who are fans of the “Star Wars” movies because, I’m guessing, they use their hand a lot.

4. Chicago Mayor Rahm Emanuel on Friday joined the Ready for Hillary group that is urging former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton to run for president in 2016. While President Obama joined the Really Ready for Hillary group that is urging her to run for president in 2014.

5. According to a new study, professional musicians may have almost four times the risk of hearing loss than their audience. Said Nickelback, “What’s an audience?”

6. A Harvard University student group who is planning to hold a re-enactment of a satanic ritual on campus has drawn criticism from local Roman Catholic officials. Although, considering this is Boston, there’s a good chance this whole thing is just one big mix-up over the use of the word “wicked.”

7. 111-year-old, New York City resident Alexander Imich has been named the world’s oldest living man. Imich, a lifelong New Yorker, said he briefly considered moving to Florida when he retired, but they hadn’t discovered it yet.

8. Yesterday was Mothers’ Day or, as Casey Anthony calls it, Sunday.

9. Senator Marco Rubio, a potential Republican White House candidate for 2016, said “I do” on Sunday when asked if he thinks he is ready to be President. But, if he’s anything like every other politician, he doesn’t take those two words very seriously.

10. On Friday, twin girls in Ohio were born holding hands. Said the mother, “ONE AT A TIME!!!!.”

Monologue Jokes – May 13, 2013

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1. Last week, Honey Boo Boo’s mom Mama June wed her longtime partner Sugarbear. That age-old question “Why buy the cow?” has never been more appropriate.

2. Yesterday, NBC announced that SNL head writer Seth Meyers will take over as host of Late Night. “So there’s an opening at SNL?” said Jay Leno.

3. The children’s television series “Sesame Street” said on Friday it will be adding a third Spanish-speaking character to its cast. So next week’s episode will be brought to you by the letters I, N and S.

4. The children’s television series “Sesame Street” said on Friday it will be adding a third Spanish-speaking character to its cast. Said the Hispanic cast members, “Yup, only three of us in here, no need to open up the back of this van.”

5. The children’s television series “Sesame Street” said on Friday it will be adding a third Spanish-speaking character to its cast. Seems like a smart move, there are a lot of hedges on that street.

6. A total of 686 candidates have registered to run in Iran’s next Presidential election. So let me be the first to congratulate Mahmoud Ahmadinejad on his upcoming, and in no way suspicious, re-election.

7. A total of 686 candidates have registered to run in Iran’s next Presidential election. Said one candidate, “I’m running for President of Iran because the rent is too damn high.”

8. According to the Indianapolis Star, New York Knicks fan Spike Lee was unable to convince anyone to sell him a courtside ticket to Game 3 in Indiana over the weekend, even though he was offering $40,000. Marking the first time a New Yorker has ever attempted to pay $40,000 to get INTO Indiana.

9. Yesterday was Mother’s Day, but if you forgot, don’t worry, I’m sure your Mom didn’t.

10. Former world heavyweight boxing champion Mike Tyson will star as a cartoon detective, with a pigeon sidekick, in a new animated series. No punchline I can write will be funnier than that setup.