Tag Archives: Paula Deen

June 17, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

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1. Freddie Gibson, a five-year-old boy in England saved up his birthday money to take his best friend, a five-year-old girl named Dee Dee, out on a first date. Although, I don’t think there’s gonna be a second date, because the morning after Freddie woke up with cooties.

2. This week, scientists discovered a seventh, previously unknown, sex position used by frogs. But, as anyone will tell you, it’s much easier to convince your partner to be sexually adventurous right after she’s licked a toad.

3. This week, scientists discovered a seventh, previously unknown, sex position used by frogs. Said the princess, “Look, I want to find my prince, but I gotta draw the line somewhere.”

4. Actor Charlie Sheen is the face of new ‘revolutionary’ condom that claims it is impossible to break and does not reduce sexual pleasure. “Still no,” said Sheen’s girlfriend.

5. In response to late night host Seth Meyers’ banning Donald Trump from his TV show, the presumptive Republican nominee said “I only do shows with good ratings.” So let’s show him the ratings for CSPAN and hope that convinces him to drop out of the presidential race.

6. A new report suggests that there is a no test that can predict if a person with dementia is safe to drive. Although, if grandpa asks for the keys to the blueberry muffin so he can pick up the King of England, you probably don’t need a test.

7. According to a newly released expense report, Israel’s Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu spent $1,600 on a personal hairdresser while in New York. But, in his defense, most Jewish men are okay splurging on the guy who’s taking a little off the top because they’ve been burnt before.

8. A pregnant woman in Atlanta posted on social media her latest sonogram in which her unborn baby looks exactly like a car. Well, they don’t call him Herbie the Love Bug for nothing.

9. On Wednesday night, former Tonight Show host Jay Leno appeared on Jimmy Fallon’s Tonight Show to deliver a few monologue jokes poking fun at many people including Bernie Sanders. Because if anyone knows a thing or two about continuing to campaign for a job after someone else has already secured it, it’s Jay Leno.

10. On Wednesday, while speaking on behalf of Hillary Clinton, President Obama said his daughters think it’s weird that America hasn’t had a woman president yet. Which can either be viewed as a statement on women empowerment or a hint as to who, if they were of age, the Obama girls would have voted for in the Democratic primaries eight years ago.

11. On Sunday night, for the first time in the history of the Tony Awards, the four musical acting awards went to African-American actors. “Is that even allowed?” asked Oscar voters.

12. On Monday, a worker in Ireland found a 2,000 year old, 22 pound round hunk of butter buried in an Irish bog. Or, Paula Deen laid an egg.

13. A surgeon in China announced that he plans to perform the world’s first full-body transplant. Which, I assume, is a clever way for the doctor to tell his wife he’s leaving her for his mistress.

14. According to reports, Mel Gibson is working on a sequel to “The Passion of the Christ.” Man, I am so sick of all these action movies were the star is killed and then comes back completely healthy in the sequel.

15. A man was arrested at an airport in Qatar for trying to smuggle 27 pounds of bacon hidden in his anal cavity. Authorities became suspicious when dogs alerted to the man’s butt, and they weren’t even police dogs.

16. A new start-up company has developed a $800 robot that will fold your laundry for you. “Can I fuck it?” asked Arnold Schwarzenegger.

17. Last week in Arkansas, a four foot long rat snake fell out of a car’s dashboard and onto the driver’s feet while she was on the highway. Said the woman, “I guess I should have taken that ‘check engine’ light more seriously.”

18. According to reports, Trump staffers are worried that Donald will unexpectedly announce his running mate on Twitter without consulting with his political advisors first. Especially if Trump leaves his cell phone unlocked around Chris Christie.

19. A Virginia man recently found an outline of what looks like Donald Trump on one of his bathroom tiles. That story again, a man in Virginia has reported the first ever case of orange mold.

20. A researcher at the University of Pittsburgh working on a finding a cure for the Zika accidentally infected herself with the virus while working in a lab. Which has got to be the worst example of ‘if you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em’ I have ever heard.

September 3, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

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1. Yesterday, ABC unveiled the full cast of the next season of “Dancing with the Stars,” which will include actor Gary Busey and horse-jockey Victor Espinoza. Espinoza said he knows the show will be a challenge, especially, after seeing Busey’s teeth, resisting the temptation to ride him.

2. Yesterday, ABC unveiled the full cast of the next season of “Dancing with the Stars,” which will include singer Chaka Kahn and celebrity chef Paula Deen. So, for once, Deen’s habit of calling every black woman ‘Chaka Khan’ won’t get her in trouble.

3. On Saturday, Robin Deakin, dubbed “Britain’s Worst Boxer,” won his first fight in 9 years after suffering 51 straight losses. Or, at least, that’s what they told him happened after he regained consciousness.

4. The head of Britain’s national sperm bank urged men to prove their manhood and help ease a shortage after the center signed up just nine registered donors this year. Did those guys sign up before or after they donated because I need to know whether I should bring my own pen.

5. On Wednesday, presidential candidate Donald Trump took a jab at Jeb Bush’s habit of answering questions in Spanish by saying he should speak English while in the United States. Which has to be the first time in history that anyone has ever told a guy named Jeb that he needs to speak English.

6. Yesterday, the New York Times reported that the script of the upcoming movie “Concussion,” about football-related brain injuries, was revised to avoid angering the NFL. “You can revise a script?” said the writer of ‘Pixels.’

7. Los Angeles authorities have charged 56-year-old Lewis Eugene Stark Jr. in connection with the theft of the University of Southern California’s copy of O.J. Simpson’s Heisman Trophy more than 20 years ago. Said O.J., “You can be charged with a crime that happened 20 years ago!?! Shit!”

8. Five hungry polar bears have surrounded a team of unarmed researchers at a remote outpost in northern Russia. Said the researchers, “On second thought, we are in favor of global warming.”

9. On Wednesday, the South African city of Durban was selected as the host of the 2022 Commonwealth Games. Because, apparently, the city of Durban and the Commonwealth Games are things that exist.

10. According to People Magazine, fresh off his break-up with Miss Piggy, Kermit the Frog is now dating another pig named Denise. Said the reporter who broke the story, “I’ve wasted my life.”

July 8, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

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1. Yesterday police raided the house of Subway spokesman Jared Fogle on suspected child pornography charges. Apparently Fogle was really serious about getting himself into smaller sizes of pants.

2. Om Tuesday, celebrity chef Paula Deen tweeted out and then immediately deleted a picture of her standing next to her son who was dressed in blackface. Even worse, Deen originally posted the photo to prove that she had a black friend.

3. Former Virginia Governor Jim Gilmore said on Tuesday he would join the race for the 2016 Republican presidential nomination. Begging the question, is that a real person or did I just make him up?

4. According to a new study, use of indoor tanning beds is on the decline. I guess the industry couldn’t withstand the hit of Rachel Dolezal shamed into being white again.

5. On Tuesday, the Florida State Seminoles kicked De’Andre Johnson off the football team after a video surfaced of the quarterback punching a woman in a bar. Which can only mean one thing, Johnson is not their starting quarterback.

6. On Tuesday, Disney announced that a Star Wars prequel staring Hans Solo is in the works with a slated release date of May 25, 2018. Said Star Wars fans, “Luckily, I’m free May 25, 2018 … and every night until then.”

7. A judge ruled on Tuesday that Time Warner Cable must pay a customer $229,500 for placing 153 automated calls to her phone in less than one year. The company was able to get through to her that many times because her telephone service provider was not Time Warner.

8. A new trend among Palestinians is taking selfies in front of Al Aqsa, an 8th century Muslim holy site in Jerusalem. But, if you’re near the shrine and you hear someone with a heavy accent say “3, 2, 1,” you should probably get outta there just to be safe.

9. A man convicted of having sex on a public beach in Florida in front of a child was sentenced on Monday to 2 1/2 years in prison. But, on the plus side, the woman got off.

10. On Monday, Susannah Mushatt Jones, the world’s oldest person, turned 116. “Show off,” said the word’s second oldest person.

May 13, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

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1. Yesterday, Verizon bought AOL for $4.4 billion because it’s still illegal to actually set money on fire.

2. A man in China was arrested for attempting to smuggle heroin into the country hidden in his foreskin. As he was being hauled away, the man could be heard yelling, “Tell everyone it was a lot of heroin!”

3. Kim Kardashian has been criticized for using too much water on her front lawn during the ongoing drought in California. And, of course, people are also criticizing her for the amount of oil she’s been using on her ‘backyard.’

4. Former President Bill Clinton said on Tuesday, he will move back into the White House if his wife Hillary wins the presidency next year. Adding, he’s never been in a house with so many choices of couches to sleep on.

5. One of Kanye West’s ex-girlfriends recently accused him of using ghostwriters to come up with his music. “That’s not 100% true. When I wrote ’Niggas in Paris’ I never thought of setting it to music,” said Paula Deen.

6. An anonymous group of New York Jets fans took a shot at Patriots quarterback Tom Brady by purchasing space on twelve electronic billboards in New Jersey with the message “#TomShady.” Although calling them “an anonymous group of Jets fans” seems redundant.

7. According to a new study, people with more education and higher socioeconomic status, generally white males, tend to drink more than others. So thank God Billy Joel never went to college because he’d probably be dead by now.

8. The Word Health Organization is advising scientists to stop naming diseases after people. Which is good news for patient zeros and great news for those scientists’ ex-wives.

9. Scientists have discovered a way to return sight to blind mice. It was actually a simple fix, they just stopped showing the mice pictures of Star Jones in a bikini.

10. Over the weekend, President Obama surprised three mothers by calling them unannounced and wishing them a happy Mother’s Day. Obama decided not to ask them how their special day was going since the NSA already filled him in.

December 16, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

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1. Cuba Gooding Jr. has been cast as O.J. Simpson in an upcoming television miniseries. Nicole Brown Simpson, the woman O.J. allegedly murdered, will be played by Gooding’s career.

2. Yesterday, Angalifu, a rare white rhino, died at a San Diego zoo, leaving only five white rhinos in the world and brining the species closer to extinction. Experts attribute the dwindling population to an increase in the global climate and mankind’s encroachment on the animal’s natural habitat, while Paula Deen blames it on black rhinos.

3. On Sunday night, Barbara Walters named Amal Clooney, George Clooney’s new wife, as her most fascinating person of 2014. So let that be a lesson to all you young ladies, if you’re an accomplished international human rights attorney who has fought for children in war zones and against terrorism, you’re only one marriage to a guy who pretends to be other guys for a living away from being interesting.

4. A U.S. federal appeals court ruled on Monday that pornographic movie actors in Los Angeles must wear condoms during sex scenes. Said porn stars, “We’re obviously upset about the ruling, but pretty stoked that you called us actors.”

5. A humanoid robot named Athena with a head, hands and feet boarded a flight bound for Germany from LAX on Monday, becoming what was billed as the first robot traveling as a paid passenger on an airline. So just making sure, bottle of water, dangerous, humanoid robot capable of independent thought with superhuman strength, good to go.

6. Under a law signed on Monday, it is now illegal in New York to tattoo or pierce your pet. It was the first bill ever introduced into the New York State Senate to begin with the words “Hey idiots.”

7. A nonprofit group in Seattle wants to become the world’s first organization to offer human composting as a service, in which dead people will be turned into nutrient-rich soil. “Sounds like a great plan,” said murderers.

8. Last week, the Utah Supreme Court ruled that a woman in the state will legally be allowed to marry her boyfriend who died years ago. Luckily the groom will also be her ‘something blue.’

9. Last week, Texas Governor Rick Perry said that running for president isn’t an IQ test. Adding, “But don’t worry, even if it was, I have 20/20 vision.”

10. According to a new study, for U.S. women age 55 or over, bone fractures due to osteoporosis lead to more hospitalizations than heart attacks, strokes or breast cancer. Osteoporosis, of course, being the star running back for the Cincinnati Bengals.

April 29, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

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1. Mercedes Benz and CarMax have pulled their sponsorship deals with the Los Angeles Clippers in the wake of owner Donald Sterling’s racist comments. But those companies have been quickly replaced by new sponsors Paula Deen’s Hometown Buffet and the entire state of Alabama.

2. Country music legend Willie Nelson turns 81 today. To celebrate, friends are throwing him a surprise party, but when you’re Willie Nelson, aren’t all parties surprise parties?

3. Some employees at the Disney World theme park say they can’t afford the area’s $800 per month rent while making only $8.03 an hour. Which is why the seven dwarfs live together in real life too.

4. Some employees at the Disney World theme park say they can’t afford the area’s $800 per month rent making while only $8.03 an hour. Said one employee, “It all started to go downhill when we installed Barack Obama in the Hall of Presidents.”

5. Researchers have found 3,000 different kinds of bacteria living on $1 bills. So it turns out Sally Struthers was wrong, I actually saved more lives by not sending that dollar a day.

6. Colorado lawmakers approved legislation on Monday that limits the use of solitary confinement for prison inmates. Said one prisoner, “Great, a roommate? Now I gotta put my name on all my shivs.”

7. California lawmakers took steps on Monday to ban so-called extortion websites from posting mug shots of people who have been arrested and then demanding payment to remove the photos. The victims call it a crass way to make a buck, while Lindsay Lohan calls it the most positive publicity she’s had in years.

8. A letter from a passenger on the Titanic written just hours before the ship hit an iceberg and sunk, sold at auction on Saturday for $200,000. The letter reads, “Trip has been great. Just the vacation I needed. Staff has been attentive, although for some reason they keep rearranging the deck chairs.”

9. A bearded Austrian drag queen named Conchita Wurst will take to the European stage as her country’s contender for Eurovision, the extremely popular television singing contest that pits nation against nation. If Wurst fails to win, she will return to her day job, Cher impersonator.

10. An Ohio woman has been charged with petty theft after cemetery surveillance video caught her taking a toy off the grave of a young boy. As a result, I will have to find a new place to get my flowers.

March 27, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

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1. Mantecore, the white tiger who attacked Roy Horn of Siegfried & Roy in 2003, died yesterday. And, in unrelated news, Roy has a beautiful new white fur coat.

2. Yesterday rapper P Diddy said he wants to return to his old name of Puff Daddy. “Fine. That doesn’t really affect what I’ve always called you,” said Paula Deen.

3. Osama bin Laden’s son-in-law was found guilty Wednesday in a New York federal court of helping al Qaeda terrorists conspire to kill Americans. Said the son-in-law, “I knew I shouldn’t have taken her last name.”

4. Yesterday scientists found evidence of an asteroid that orbits between Saturn and Uranus that has a ring around it, the first discovery of its kind. Said your last single girlfriend, “Even asteroids now?”

5. On Tuesday, actress Gwyneth Paltrow announced her split from husband-musician Chris Martin. In a statement released by Paltrow, the actress avoided the term “divorce” instead claiming that it was a “conscious uncoupling” and, in light of that, I’m gonna have to side with Martin on this one.

6. On Wednesday, a local anthropologist said the human remains found by two children playing in the desert hills of Arizona last year are that of an American Indian who lived about 1,800 years ago. “I’ll be sure to incorporate that fact into my never-ending nightmares,” said the kids.

7. Yesterday, after Steve Masiello agreed to become the new head coach of the University of South Florida men’s basketball team, the university rescinded the offer when a background check revealed that he didn’t graduate from the University of Kentucky like his resume claimed. School officials became suspicious of Masiello’s Kentucky education once they realized he was able to count to 20 without taking his shoes off.

8. On Wednesday, astronomers announced the discovery of 2012 VP113, a planet that is so small and so far away that its orbit reaches into a new edge of our solar system. “Okay, now I feel like you’re just fucking with me,” said Pluto.

9. Yesterday a Danish Zoo killed four lions to make room for a new male lion. And so starts the plot of the new Disney movie “The Lion Dictator.”

10. According to the U.S. Department of Agriculture, the amount of pork in U.S. cold storage facilities in February reached a record high for a third straight month. “They call me ‘the Fixer,’” said Chris Christie.

February 25, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

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1. On Monday, Taco Bell announced that they will start serving breakfast. Just in case you want to start out your day by telling the world you give up.

2. Two Missouri students went more than 60 rounds Saturday in a spelling bee that eventually was declared a tie because organizers ran out of words. Ah Missouri, where dictionaries are only 20 pages long.

3. Celebrity chef Paula Deen drew a standing ovation from a crowd of several hundred people Sunday in Miami Beach as she made her fourth public appearance since a controversy over her admitted use of a racial epithet in the past. But, to be fair, it’s hard to throw things at the stage from a seated position.

4. Due to a rain delay, last year’s Daytona 500 was broadcast the weekend, resulting in many news outlets erroneously reporting that last year’s winner Jimmie Johnson had won the race again this year. It was still the most factually accurate story FoxNews reported all day.

5. The NFL appears on the verge of adopting a new rule that would make it a penalty for using the n-word while on the field of play. And, in unrelated NFL news, Philadelphia Eagle’s wide receiver Riley Cooper has announced his retirement, effective immediately.

6. According to documents, Iran has signed a deal to sell Iraq arms and ammunition worth $195 million. I’m not sure what’s more unnerving, the fact that Iraq now has an arsenal of weapons or that Iran had such a surplus that they could afford to sell $195 million worth.

7. According to lawyers, Kerry Kennedy’s groggy behavior after her 2012 arrest for side-swiping a tractor-trailer was not the result of a criminal act but of mistakenly taking a sleeping pill. Or, as the defense is more commonly known, pleading Kennedy.

8. According to a new study, people who are gay, lesbian or bisexual tend to die earlier in communities where citizens are less accepting of same-sex relationships. So I guess the silver-lining is that you time in Russia will only feel like an eternity.

9. Georgia’s Supreme Court ruled on Monday that a man accused of texting an unsolicited picture of his tattooed genitals to a married mother of two did not commit a crime under state law. “By chance are the Falcons looking for a quarterback,” said Brett Favre.

10. North Korean leader Kim Jong-Un is expecting his second child. And, if it turns out to be a girl, I’m expecting, in nine months, he will be expecting his second child again.

January 21, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

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1. Tickets to the upcoming cold-weather SuperBowl are a hot item, with some climate-control suites in MetLife Stadium priced at $1 million. Which is outrageous because there is nothing in New Jersey worth $1 million.

2. After the ratings success of Carrie Underwood in “The Sound of Music Live,” NBC is set to air another live performance of a Broadway musical, this time it’s “Peter Pan.” The show isn’t set to air for months, so until then, if you want to see an American Idol winner prancing around in tights around fairies you’ll have to go to a Clay Aiken concert.

3. According to new research, people may have heightened risks of dying from suicide or murder if they own or have access to a gun. So at least there’s a potential silver lining to George Zimmerman’s gun collection.

4. Yesterday was Martin Luther King, Jr. day. Or, as Paula Deen called it, “You still have to come to work today.”

5. On Monday, the U.S. government announced that it is recalling more than a million pounds of Kraft’s Velveeta Cheesy Skillet Singles for failing to identify soy as an ingredient. And if there’s one thing I know about people who eat Velveeta Cheesy Skillet Singles, it’s that they are fanatics about what they put in their bodies.

6. Today on Facebook, Sarah Palin said that President Obama should “stop playing the race card.” But, in fairness, Palin said it in her charming folksy accent, so it didn’t sound as racist as it really was.

7. On Friday, Warner Brothers pushed back the release date of the upcoming film that will bring together Superman and Batman by almost a year. It is a mixed-bag for superhero fans. On the one hand, they’ll have to wait a year to see the movie, but, on the other hand, that gives the executives an additional year to reconsider Ben Affleck.

8. In an interview over the weekend, President Obama said if he had a son he wouldn’t let him play professional football. Luckily that means President Obama’s fictional son can still play for the Jaguars.

9. German researchers say, regardless of the culture a child lives in, corporal punishment may do lasting psychological harm. Leave it up to the Germans to require an entire study to figure out that corporal punishment is bad.

10. A new study suggests, teenagers living in single-parent households may have more difficulty getting a good night’s sleep than their peers who grow up in homes with both parents. But that’s only because they have to spend extra time at night coming up with topics to talk about over breakfast the next morning with ‘new daddy.’

September 25, 2013 – Monologue Jokes

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1. On Tuesday, twenty-one of Jim Henson’s puppets, including Cookie Monster and Miss Piggy, were donated to the Smithsonian. So if you want to see one of the puppets up close, head over to the museum or just go to any toy store anywhere.

2. Yesterday, the Obama administration defended its effort to regulate the tax reform preparation business for the first time in U.S. history, basing its case largely on a 19th century law dealing with horses lost or killed during the Civil War. “Well, if we’re resurrecting laws from the Civil War era…” said Paula Deen.

3. Wild pigs have descended on a suburban Atlanta neighborhood where they are scaring children, making a general nuisance of themselves and acting as if they own the place. “Told you so,” said the Jews.

4. Yesterday, “Mad Men” star Jon Hamm revealed that he will undergo surgery to remove a polyp from his throat. So I guess that answers the question of who’s dating Catherine Zeta Jones now.

5. Detroit Lions wide receiver Nate Burleson broke his arm in a one-car accident when he tried to protect a pizza that was in his passenger seat. Man, black people give their kids the craziest names.

6. The South China Morning Post reported on Tuesday that Facebook, Twitter and other websites deemed sensitive and blocked by the Chinese government will be accessible in a planned free-trade zone in Shanghai. Although, it’s cheating if the Chinese have the same 140 character per-tweet limit as us.

7. A new study suggests, men’s and women’s drinking habits could provide hints about their risk of being in a violent relationship. But maybe I wouldn’t drink so much if she used her head once-and-a-while.

8. A woman who sent her three-year-old son, named Jihad, to school in a shirt that read “Jihad, Born September 11, I am a bomb” was fined and given a suspended jail sentence by a French court last week. But, in the woman’s defense, if you have a better way to let strangers know she‘s a terrible parent and an all-around awful human being, I’d like to hear it.

9. A new study suggests, people with heart disease who are more upbeat and excited tend to live longer than those who don’t have such a positive outlook. “Well, there are always outliers,” said Dick Cheney.

10. The NBA announced yesterday that it will allow the Miami Heat to wear jerseys during a game bearing their nicknames instead of their last names. LeBron is expected to go with the moniker “King James,” Dwyane Wade will go by “D-Wade” and Shane Battier will use his nickname of “One of the other guys.”