June 17, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. Freddie Gibson, a five-year-old boy in England saved up his birthday money to take his best friend, a five-year-old girl named Dee Dee, out on a first date. Although, I don’t think there’s gonna be a second date, because the morning after Freddie woke up with cooties.

2. This week, scientists discovered a seventh, previously unknown, sex position used by frogs. But, as anyone will tell you, it’s much easier to convince your partner to be sexually adventurous right after she’s licked a toad.

3. This week, scientists discovered a seventh, previously unknown, sex position used by frogs. Said the princess, “Look, I want to find my prince, but I gotta draw the line somewhere.”

4. Actor Charlie Sheen is the face of new ‘revolutionary’ condom that claims it is impossible to break and does not reduce sexual pleasure. “Still no,” said Sheen’s girlfriend.

5. In response to late night host Seth Meyers’ banning Donald Trump from his TV show, the presumptive Republican nominee said “I only do shows with good ratings.” So let’s show him the ratings for CSPAN and hope that convinces him to drop out of the presidential race.

6. A new report suggests that there is a no test that can predict if a person with dementia is safe to drive. Although, if grandpa asks for the keys to the blueberry muffin so he can pick up the King of England, you probably don’t need a test.

7. According to a newly released expense report, Israel’s Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu spent $1,600 on a personal hairdresser while in New York. But, in his defense, most Jewish men are okay splurging on the guy who’s taking a little off the top because they’ve been burnt before.

8. A pregnant woman in Atlanta posted on social media her latest sonogram in which her unborn baby looks exactly like a car. Well, they don’t call him Herbie the Love Bug for nothing.

9. On Wednesday night, former Tonight Show host Jay Leno appeared on Jimmy Fallon’s Tonight Show to deliver a few monologue jokes poking fun at many people including Bernie Sanders. Because if anyone knows a thing or two about continuing to campaign for a job after someone else has already secured it, it’s Jay Leno.

10. On Wednesday, while speaking on behalf of Hillary Clinton, President Obama said his daughters think it’s weird that America hasn’t had a woman president yet. Which can either be viewed as a statement on women empowerment or a hint as to who, if they were of age, the Obama girls would have voted for in the Democratic primaries eight years ago.

11. On Sunday night, for the first time in the history of the Tony Awards, the four musical acting awards went to African-American actors. “Is that even allowed?” asked Oscar voters.

12. On Monday, a worker in Ireland found a 2,000 year old, 22 pound round hunk of butter buried in an Irish bog. Or, Paula Deen laid an egg.

13. A surgeon in China announced that he plans to perform the world’s first full-body transplant. Which, I assume, is a clever way for the doctor to tell his wife he’s leaving her for his mistress.

14. According to reports, Mel Gibson is working on a sequel to “The Passion of the Christ.” Man, I am so sick of all these action movies were the star is killed and then comes back completely healthy in the sequel.

15. A man was arrested at an airport in Qatar for trying to smuggle 27 pounds of bacon hidden in his anal cavity. Authorities became suspicious when dogs alerted to the man’s butt, and they weren’t even police dogs.

16. A new start-up company has developed a $800 robot that will fold your laundry for you. “Can I fuck it?” asked Arnold Schwarzenegger.

17. Last week in Arkansas, a four foot long rat snake fell out of a car’s dashboard and onto the driver’s feet while she was on the highway. Said the woman, “I guess I should have taken that ‘check engine’ light more seriously.”

18. According to reports, Trump staffers are worried that Donald will unexpectedly announce his running mate on Twitter without consulting with his political advisors first. Especially if Trump leaves his cell phone unlocked around Chris Christie.

19. A Virginia man recently found an outline of what looks like Donald Trump on one of his bathroom tiles. That story again, a man in Virginia has reported the first ever case of orange mold.

20. A researcher at the University of Pittsburgh working on a finding a cure for the Zika accidentally infected herself with the virus while working in a lab. Which has got to be the worst example of ‘if you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em’ I have ever heard.

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