December 16, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. Cuba Gooding Jr. has been cast as O.J. Simpson in an upcoming television miniseries. Nicole Brown Simpson, the woman O.J. allegedly murdered, will be played by Gooding’s career.

2. Yesterday, Angalifu, a rare white rhino, died at a San Diego zoo, leaving only five white rhinos in the world and brining the species closer to extinction. Experts attribute the dwindling population to an increase in the global climate and mankind’s encroachment on the animal’s natural habitat, while Paula Deen blames it on black rhinos.

3. On Sunday night, Barbara Walters named Amal Clooney, George Clooney’s new wife, as her most fascinating person of 2014. So let that be a lesson to all you young ladies, if you’re an accomplished international human rights attorney who has fought for children in war zones and against terrorism, you’re only one marriage to a guy who pretends to be other guys for a living away from being interesting.

4. A U.S. federal appeals court ruled on Monday that pornographic movie actors in Los Angeles must wear condoms during sex scenes. Said porn stars, “We’re obviously upset about the ruling, but pretty stoked that you called us actors.”

5. A humanoid robot named Athena with a head, hands and feet boarded a flight bound for Germany from LAX on Monday, becoming what was billed as the first robot traveling as a paid passenger on an airline. So just making sure, bottle of water, dangerous, humanoid robot capable of independent thought with superhuman strength, good to go.

6. Under a law signed on Monday, it is now illegal in New York to tattoo or pierce your pet. It was the first bill ever introduced into the New York State Senate to begin with the words “Hey idiots.”

7. A nonprofit group in Seattle wants to become the world’s first organization to offer human composting as a service, in which dead people will be turned into nutrient-rich soil. “Sounds like a great plan,” said murderers.

8. Last week, the Utah Supreme Court ruled that a woman in the state will legally be allowed to marry her boyfriend who died years ago. Luckily the groom will also be her ‘something blue.’

9. Last week, Texas Governor Rick Perry said that running for president isn’t an IQ test. Adding, “But don’t worry, even if it was, I have 20/20 vision.”

10. According to a new study, for U.S. women age 55 or over, bone fractures due to osteoporosis lead to more hospitalizations than heart attacks, strokes or breast cancer. Osteoporosis, of course, being the star running back for the Cincinnati Bengals.

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