May 13, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. Yesterday, Verizon bought AOL for $4.4 billion because it’s still illegal to actually set money on fire.

2. A man in China was arrested for attempting to smuggle heroin into the country hidden in his foreskin. As he was being hauled away, the man could be heard yelling, “Tell everyone it was a lot of heroin!”

3. Kim Kardashian has been criticized for using too much water on her front lawn during the ongoing drought in California. And, of course, people are also criticizing her for the amount of oil she’s been using on her ‘backyard.’

4. Former President Bill Clinton said on Tuesday, he will move back into the White House if his wife Hillary wins the presidency next year. Adding, he’s never been in a house with so many choices of couches to sleep on.

5. One of Kanye West’s ex-girlfriends recently accused him of using ghostwriters to come up with his music. “That’s not 100% true. When I wrote ’Niggas in Paris’ I never thought of setting it to music,” said Paula Deen.

6. An anonymous group of New York Jets fans took a shot at Patriots quarterback Tom Brady by purchasing space on twelve electronic billboards in New Jersey with the message “#TomShady.” Although calling them “an anonymous group of Jets fans” seems redundant.

7. According to a new study, people with more education and higher socioeconomic status, generally white males, tend to drink more than others. So thank God Billy Joel never went to college because he’d probably be dead by now.

8. The Word Health Organization is advising scientists to stop naming diseases after people. Which is good news for patient zeros and great news for those scientists’ ex-wives.

9. Scientists have discovered a way to return sight to blind mice. It was actually a simple fix, they just stopped showing the mice pictures of Star Jones in a bikini.

10. Over the weekend, President Obama surprised three mothers by calling them unannounced and wishing them a happy Mother’s Day. Obama decided not to ask them how their special day was going since the NSA already filled him in.

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