April 13, 2020 – Monologue Jokes

1. There is a new show on Quibi called ‘Murder House Flip’ where people renovate notorious homicide homes. “If this keeps up much longer, they’re gonna have a lot more homes to choose from,” said couples quarantined together. 

2. Last week, aides to Joe Biden said the likely Democratic nominee will arrange a call with President Trump to discuss the country’s response to the deadly coronavirus pandemic. Together they will tackle the nation’s biggest challenge, two 70-plus-year-old men trying to figure out a Zoom call:

 3. Walt Disney might require theme park visitors to have their temperatures checked when they reopen after coronavirus restrictions on public gatherings are lifted. “Bend over,” said Goofy:

4. Queen Elizabeth made a rare address to the nation last weekend to address the coronavirus pandemic. Wow, it must be so comforting to have a leader that rarely addresses the nation:

5. According to reports, President Trump has been advocating the use of hydrochloroquine to treat the coronavirus because Rudy Guiliani has been telling him that it works. Which explains Trump’s other suggested cure, marrying your first cousin.

6. Last Tuesday was National Beer Day. Said Americans, “What’s Tuesday?”

7. According to a new study, you can predict how many women a man has slept with by how funny he is. That story again, Rob Schneider is still a virgin.

8. A painting by Vincent van Gogh was stolen in an overnight raid at a Dutch museum. I’m jealous, not of the payday that will come from selling that masterpiece, but that they got out of their house and went to a museum. 

9. Over the weekend, “Saturday Night Live” returned to television with a new, remotely produced show. And I think i speak for everyone when I say, please, no one tell the producers of ‘God Friended Me” that’s possible.

10. Last week, author JK Rowling launched a ‘Harry Potter at Home’ online tool for kids in lockdown. Not to be outdone, Jared from Subway showed his tool to kids online and now he’s under lockdown.

11. According to a new study, cats can contract and pass the coronavirus. So that explains all the social distancing:

12. Last week, O.J. Simpson said that one of the stars of the Netflix docu-series ‘Tiger King’ definitely killed her husband. What makes him the authority on …. oh, right, right, right, the double murder thing.

13. The Democratic Party on Thursday postponed its presidential nominating convention by a month until August, citing the coronavirus health crisis. “So you’re telling me I still got a chance,” said Tulsi Gabbard.

14. A petition to name Dr. Anthony Fauci the “Sexiest Man Alive” is gaining momentum. Because if the virus keeps up, he will be the only man alive.

15. President Trump said Friday his administration was now recommending Americans wear “non-medical cloth” face coverings. Adding, “Especially the uggos.”

16. The Supreme Court on Friday postponed oral arguments scheduled for April as a result of the coronavirus and is considering alternative options for handling its outstanding cases. And those alternatives better involve Ruth Bader Ginsburg quarantined in the fucking Popemobile:

17. In a conference call with major league sports commissioners on Saturday, President Trump said he believes the NFL season should start on time in September. Although the football players weren’t enthusiastic about going back after the call, not because of the virus, but because they just got a firsthand look at the end-result of suffering severe brain damage:

18. Actor Arnold Schwarzenegger has been posting self-isolation videos of him eating meals at home with his tiny donkey and miniature horse. So I think it’s safe to assume Maria Shriver won that divorce.

19. According to reports, the King of Thailand is self-quarantining by renting out an entire hotel in Germany for himself and his twenty girlfriends. So at least we already know the epicenter of the next viral pandemic.

20. Last week, President Trump said he didn’t want to give the American people bad news during the coronavirus pandemic. Then maybe he should stop holding daily televised press conference reminding the American people that he’s still the president.

21. During a press conference last week, President Trump called himself a ‘cheerleader’ for the country. Marking the first time I’ve ever actually felt bad for Kellyanne Conway:

22. According to a new study, most Americans want the government to require mail-in ballots for the November presidential election if the coronavirus outbreak still threatens the public. Begging the question how much postage does it take to mail a ballot from Russia?

23. A group of clowns who usually entertain retirees in their rooms at seniors homes has taken to performing outside instead so their audience can watch from their windows while in coronavirus-enforced isolation. But if the seniors miss that show, don’t worry, this group of clowns puts on a performance on your tv everyday:

24. Last week, Dr. Anthony Fauci said he does not think people should shake hands “ever again.” “Look who was ahead of his time,” said President Trump:

25. This week, rapper Drake revealed that he has a Birkin bag collection that he purchased for his future wife. “Yeah, that’s why I had that pocketbook collection too,” said the ghost of Liberace.

March 9, 2018 – Monologue Jokes

1. Alec Baldwin and President Trump threw insults at each other on Twitter after Mr. Baldwin described portraying Mr. Trump on “Saturday Night Live” as “agony.” Man, I’ve seen less contentious actor-president relationships between Lincoln and Booth.

2. Sunday night’s Oscar, marked the first ceremony in many years without Harvey Weinstein. And no one was more grateful for that than the potted plants in the lobby of the Kodak Theater.

3. Law experts are saying some of the language in adult film star Stormy Daniel’s nondisclosure agreement suggests that she may have lurid photos that were taken during her sexual encounters with Donald Trump. Said one person who has reportedly seen the photos, “DEAR GOD, I’VE GONE BLIND!”

4. According to ‘the New York Times,’ following news that China’s President Xi Jinping is now president for life, President Trump jokingly told donors, “maybe we’ll give that a shot someday.” “I’m happy you like the idea of a life sentence,” said Robert Mueller.

5. A man was arrested and charged with grand theft larceny after allegedly stealing Frances McDormand’s Oscars trophy after the Academy Awards on Sunday night. And, if stealing an Oscar is consider grand theft, Adrian Brody better lawyer up:

6. A woman was arrested on Tuesday after she attempted to open an aircraft door during a flight from San Francisco to Boise, Idaho. But, to be fair, if you found out you were headed for Boise, you’d want out ASAP too.

7. During a news conference on Tuesday, President Trump promised his proposed tariffs on steel and aluminum will be applied in a “very loving way.” Which can only mean one thing, Trump will not ask for the tariff’s consent beforehand.

8. On Tuesday, former pornstar and alleged presidential mistress Stormy Daniels sued Donald Trump. That story again, a blond airhead with large tits and a penchant for suing people is being sued by Stormy Daniels.

9. President Trump refuted recent reports on Tuesday, saying there is no chaos in the White House. And in related news, Melania is now jealous of chaos.

10. In response to a Republican bill to name a state highway after President Trump, a Democratic state senator has proposed a bill to name an offramp after Stormy Daniels. And what better way to honor Trump’s legacy than to use Stormy Daniels to get off.

11. The White House announced this week that President Donald Trump has agreed to meet with North Korean leader Kim Jong Un by May. That story again, maybe don’t make any plans for after May.

12. 70-year-old Arnold Schwarzenegger announced that he has agreed to star in a sixth Terminator film. His catchline in the movie will be “Oy, my back.”

13. Sunday night, the Winston Churchill biopic “The Darkest Hour” won the Academy Award for best makeup. So good luck to whoever had to break the news to this losing nominee:

14. Over the weekend at the NFL Scouting Combine, Central Florida’s one-handed linebacker Shaquem Griffin did twenty reps on the bench press at 225 pounds with a prosthetic hand. And, in unrelated news, I’m pretty sure I pulled a hamstring getting off the couch this morning.

15. Over the weekend, “The Emoji Movie” swept the Razzies Awards, taking home the worst picture, screen combo, director and screenplay awards. Which is weird, because I don’t remember Johnny Depp being in that.

16. Russian President Vladimir Putin told Washington to send him hard evidence that his citizens meddled in U.S. elections. May I present Exhibit A:

17. President Donald Trump’s Chief of Staff John Kelly on Friday conceded the White House could have better handled a scandal involving senior aide Rob Porter. Said Kelly, “But other than that, I think we’re nailing it.”

18. Two phone companies say they plan to put a high-speed cellular network on the moon. So fingers crossed this means they’re sending the “can you hear me now” guy to the fucking moon.

April 24, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. A Washington woman born with two vaginas is now pregnant. And I’m guessing her OBGYN is Monty Hall:

2. According to a new poll, a record 61% of Americans support legalizing marijuana. The number is so high because pollsters counted “Wait, what was the question again?” as a “Yes.”

3. A London bar has developed a whiskey cocktail that comes with a virtual reality headset that magically transports the drinker to the distillery where the spirit is made. Which is a nice change of pace, because when I drink whiskey I’m usually magically transported to the window outside my ex-girlfriend’s apartment.

4. “CBS This Morning” co-host Gayle King was reportedly onboard the yacht in Tahiti with the Obamas, Oprah, Tom Hanks and Bruce Springsteen. Although, NBC’s Brian Williams claims he was there too.

5. Under a new law, undercover police officers in Michigan will no longer be able to have sex with the prostitutes they’re investigating. Sounds like a lot of them are gonna have to go back to being ‘beat’ cops.

6. According to a new study, most 15-year-olds report being happy with their lives. So get to work, bullies.

7. A woman in Washington was arrested over the weekend after police found 42 cats in her car. And, since it was a Hyundai, it actually upped the resale value.

8. According to reports, Kim, Khloe and Kourtney Kardashian are ‘furious’ over the details contained in Caitlyn Jenner’s upcoming tell-all book. Or, more accurately, Kim, Khloe and Kourtney are furious that they’re gonna have to read a book.

9. Scientists have developed a dryer that dries clothes five times faster than a normal dryer. Which means Arnold Schwarzenegger is gonna have less time to make a move on his maid.

10. On Saturday, a woman Canada attacked a sex shop clerk saying she had HIV before lunging at him with needle and stealing vibrators. Or, as Charlie Sheen refers to it, foreplay.

March 20, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. A new study found that dogs are capable of lying. “Although, they rarely do it when you really need them to,” said Michael Vick:

2. President Trump recently suggested that chief of staff Reince Priebus might someday run a car company. Makes sense, he can go from selling an orange to selling a lemon.

3. President Trump’s new proposed budget cuts federal funding for public broadcasting programs like ‘Sesame Street.’ Because nothing gives Trump more joy than evicting minorities:

4. On Friday, the Secret Service said a man who jumped over the White House fence last week was on the grounds for 16 minutes before he was apprehended. And, if you think that’s bad, a crazy person has been on the premises for the past 59 days:

5. According to a new study, men who routinely do intense or long workouts may have a lower than average libido. “You may want to reexamine those numbers,” said Arnold Schwarzenegger’s exhausted maid.

6. In a recent interview, Rodrigo Alves, the man known as “The Human Ken Doll,” said after 50 plastic surgeries he can’t breathe properly. Although, to be fair, I doubt there was a time when enough oxygen was ever getting to his brain.

7. According to research, the Tsimane people who live in the forests of Bolivia have the healthiest hearts in the world. In response, former President Bill Clinton asked, “What’s they’re secret?” while current President Donald Trump asked, “What’s a heart?”

8. Hillary Clinton said Friday she’s “ready to come out of the woods” and help Americans find common ground. I wonder what made her want to leave the woods now:

9. The Department of Homeland Security has requested proposals for the Mexican border, saying ideally it should be 30 feet high and the wall facing the U.S. side should be “aesthetically pleasing in color.” And, considering it’s the Trump administration that’s making the request, I’m guessing “aesthetically pleasing in color” means white.

10. Over the weekend, the NSA called allegations from the White House that President Obama directed a British spy agency to wiretap Donald Trump during the presidential campaign “arrant nonsense.” Although it is weird that the NSA misspelled “Aryan.”

March 13, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. Late Friday night, the Secret Service arrested an intruder who breached the White House fence and came within several hundred yards of the President. The man was unable to get face-to-face with President Trump, which can only mean one thing, he’s not Russian.

2. According to a new study, Alaska is the state with the highest incidents of sexually transmitted diseases. Alaska is already hard at work making sure they don’t top the list next year by nominating Lindsay Lohan for statehood.

3. Over the weekend, President Trump invited House Republicans skeptical of the Obamacare replacement plan to the White House for a bowling party. Paul Ryan was happy to hear the White House would supply the balls since he apparently lost his a few months ago.

4. A Colorado woman was arrested and charged with trespassing after apparently stalking Tim Tebow at the New York Mets’ spring training facility in Florida. Not much is known about the woman except she’s definitely not an NFL scout.

5. According to reports, Arnold Schwarzenegger may be eyeing a Senate bid in 2018. And, I have to admit, ‘Senate bid’ is an odd name for a maid.

6. Attendees at the Vietnamese premier of ‘Kong: Skull Island’ were sent running in a panic when a 16-foot statue of King Kong burst into flames over the weekend. Although it still went better than the premiere of ‘Batman v. Superman,’ where the people in attendance had to watch the movie.

7. Rumors are swirling that actress Pamela Anderson and Wikileaks founder Julian Assange are dating. He’s dating Pamela Anderson and trying to reignite the Col War? Man, this guy really misses the 80s.

8. A 74-year-old man was arrested after police say he destroyed several Kim Kardashian books at a Barnes & Noble in Connecticut. Which is unfair, because ‘destroyed’ implies that beforehand those books weren’t already a mess.

9. Jimmy Fallon is reportedly under pressure to take ‘The Tonight Show’ in a “more political” direction in an effort to regain the late-night ratings crown from Stephen Colbert. So get ready for Pictionary with Robert Mugabe.

10. On Sunday, Tom Price, the head of Health and Human Services and a leading advocate for the new healthcare bill, said no one will be worse off financially under the Republican’s plan. Because technically, dead people are no longer have debts.

February 10, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. Wednesday night, news anchor Scott Pelley started “The CBS Evening News” by saying President Trump “is divorced from reality.” So add ‘reality’ to the long list of things Melania is jealous of.

2. Yesterday, Bob Costas announced that he is ending his 24-year runs NBC’s Olympic host, with Mike Tirico taking over the anchor seat at next year’s Winter Games in South Korea. Word or advice Mike, maybe wipe down that chair first:

3. In a recent interview, President Trump revealed that he’s only sleeping four to five hours a night. Luckily, he’s able to catch a quick nap every day during his intel briefings.

4. In a recent interview, President Trump revealed that he’s only sleeping four to five hours a night. Because after four to five hours the bed tends to get too soggy.

5. A new study found that people with older phones were 56 percent less likely to get a date. So if you have a new iPhone 7 and still can’t get a date, you ugly.

6. WeBot, is a new Facebook bot that allows users to find protests near them. “No need,” said Trump looking out the White House front door.

7. Domino’s has created its own wedding registry that lets pizza-loving couples stock their wedding wish list with Domino’s menu items. Which is great news for this happy couple:

8. According to sources, in his first call as president with Russian leader Vladimir Putin, Donald Trump denounced a treaty that caps U.S. and Russian deployment of nuclear warheads as a bad deal for the United States. That story again, we’re all gonna die.

9. According to a new poll, one-third of Americans don’t know that Obamacare and the Affordable Care Act are the same thing. And, if they’re shocked by that, wait till they hear who’s president now!

10. Carey McWilliams of North Dakota has become the first totally blind person in the country to acquire a concealed-carry permit. As a result, his seeing-eye-dog has made a few adjustments:

11. A new study found that childhood cancer survivors are just as satisfied with their sex lives as people who didn’t have cancer. You can read more about that in this month’s medical journal of ‘Why Would You Even Think To Study That? Quarterly’

12. Bejing’s top official on transplants said on Tuesday that Beijing was “mending its ways” from a murky past when organs were taken from detained or executed prisoners. My brain thinks that’s a good idea while my donor kidney wants to murder him.

13. In a recent interview, actress and writer Lena Dunham said that she had to avoid shooting graphic sex scenes for this season of ‘Girls’ while intern Malia Obama was on set. That story again, this season of ‘Girls’ will be even more unwatchable than the previous ones.

14. A South Carolina woman claims she can control President Donald Trump through her bracelet. Because, I assume, her bracelet has Steve Bannon’s phone number on it.

15. President Donald Trump’s choice to lead the Labor Department, Andrew Puzder, admitted on Monday to employing an undocumented immigrant as a house cleaner. “That’s no way to treat a maid,” said Arnold Schwarzenegger.

16. According to reports, the U.S.’s bacon reserves have hit a 50 year low. That story again, you’re about to find out how gross dates taste on their own.

17. After previously saying he would have voted for Donald Trump in the presidential election, Kanye West has now deleted all of his tweets supportive of the new president. “Wait, you can delete these things?” asked Trump:

18. The U.S. House of Representatives voted on Monday to require law enforcement authorities to obtain a search warrant before seeking old emails from technology companies. And, in related news, the Clinton Foundation is now a technology company.

19. Donald Trump’s personal physician said the president takes four pills every day. Adding, “Or is it one pill every four days? I don’t know, I’m not a good doctor.”:

20. Disney fans have started an online petition asking that the Donald Trump figure set to be installed in the Hall of Presidents be a silent robot. Although, if Disney really wants to make it accurate the Trump robot will talk but only when the Steve Bannon robot hidden behind him tells him to.

January 9, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. Utah state senator Todd Weiler introduced a bill last week that would allow people to sue the pornography industry for emotional and psychological damage. “What about physical damage?” said a Utah man with carpal tunnel.

2. ECommerce giant Amazon has filed a patent for airborne warehouse blimps that use drones to deliver packages. Although, word of advice, maybe don’t stock Samsung phones there:

3. Last week, a Pennsylvania woman drove her SUV into the Susquehanna River after fleeing police following her failure to yield to a stop sign and proceeded to drink a beer while sitting in her sinking car. I don’t know the woman’s first name, but I’m willing to bet her last name is Kennedy.

4. According to new research, women who have a lot of sex have better memories. Counterpoint, every Bill Cosby victim.

5. Last week, a Taiwan politician’s funeral procession included 50 pole dancers. Safe to say the deceased wasn’t the only stiff in the room that day.

6. According to CNN, conservative author and television personality Monica Crowley, whom Donald Trump has tapped for a role in his cabinet, plagiarized large sections of her 2012 book. But don’t worry, her new cabinet role is Melania’s speech writer.

7. Tilikum, the orca who killed several people and was featured in the documentary “Blackfish,” died on Friday at SeaWorld in Florida. So good luck to whichever employee has to flush that sucker down the toilet.

8. According to reports, Rudy Giuliani, Chris Christie and Sarah Palin are all top candidates to be Donald Trump’s ambassador to Canada. President-elect Trump, I think I speak for everyone, when I say, we’re fine if you send them all there.

9. Scientists have observed spiders giving oral sex. Turns out, Little Miss Muffet was just a real prude.

10. On Friday, President-elect Donald Trump called out Arnold Schwarzenegger for failing to match the ratings he received when he was the host of “The Celebrity Apprentice.” Hey Don, you may want to cool it on the comparison of ratings between the old guy and the new guy:

June 17, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. Freddie Gibson, a five-year-old boy in England saved up his birthday money to take his best friend, a five-year-old girl named Dee Dee, out on a first date. Although, I don’t think there’s gonna be a second date, because the morning after Freddie woke up with cooties.

2. This week, scientists discovered a seventh, previously unknown, sex position used by frogs. But, as anyone will tell you, it’s much easier to convince your partner to be sexually adventurous right after she’s licked a toad.

3. This week, scientists discovered a seventh, previously unknown, sex position used by frogs. Said the princess, “Look, I want to find my prince, but I gotta draw the line somewhere.”

4. Actor Charlie Sheen is the face of new ‘revolutionary’ condom that claims it is impossible to break and does not reduce sexual pleasure. “Still no,” said Sheen’s girlfriend.

5. In response to late night host Seth Meyers’ banning Donald Trump from his TV show, the presumptive Republican nominee said “I only do shows with good ratings.” So let’s show him the ratings for CSPAN and hope that convinces him to drop out of the presidential race.

6. A new report suggests that there is a no test that can predict if a person with dementia is safe to drive. Although, if grandpa asks for the keys to the blueberry muffin so he can pick up the King of England, you probably don’t need a test.

7. According to a newly released expense report, Israel’s Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu spent $1,600 on a personal hairdresser while in New York. But, in his defense, most Jewish men are okay splurging on the guy who’s taking a little off the top because they’ve been burnt before.

8. A pregnant woman in Atlanta posted on social media her latest sonogram in which her unborn baby looks exactly like a car. Well, they don’t call him Herbie the Love Bug for nothing.

9. On Wednesday night, former Tonight Show host Jay Leno appeared on Jimmy Fallon’s Tonight Show to deliver a few monologue jokes poking fun at many people including Bernie Sanders. Because if anyone knows a thing or two about continuing to campaign for a job after someone else has already secured it, it’s Jay Leno.

10. On Wednesday, while speaking on behalf of Hillary Clinton, President Obama said his daughters think it’s weird that America hasn’t had a woman president yet. Which can either be viewed as a statement on women empowerment or a hint as to who, if they were of age, the Obama girls would have voted for in the Democratic primaries eight years ago.

11. On Sunday night, for the first time in the history of the Tony Awards, the four musical acting awards went to African-American actors. “Is that even allowed?” asked Oscar voters.

12. On Monday, a worker in Ireland found a 2,000 year old, 22 pound round hunk of butter buried in an Irish bog. Or, Paula Deen laid an egg.

13. A surgeon in China announced that he plans to perform the world’s first full-body transplant. Which, I assume, is a clever way for the doctor to tell his wife he’s leaving her for his mistress.

14. According to reports, Mel Gibson is working on a sequel to “The Passion of the Christ.” Man, I am so sick of all these action movies were the star is killed and then comes back completely healthy in the sequel.

15. A man was arrested at an airport in Qatar for trying to smuggle 27 pounds of bacon hidden in his anal cavity. Authorities became suspicious when dogs alerted to the man’s butt, and they weren’t even police dogs.

16. A new start-up company has developed a $800 robot that will fold your laundry for you. “Can I fuck it?” asked Arnold Schwarzenegger.

17. Last week in Arkansas, a four foot long rat snake fell out of a car’s dashboard and onto the driver’s feet while she was on the highway. Said the woman, “I guess I should have taken that ‘check engine’ light more seriously.”

18. According to reports, Trump staffers are worried that Donald will unexpectedly announce his running mate on Twitter without consulting with his political advisors first. Especially if Trump leaves his cell phone unlocked around Chris Christie.

19. A Virginia man recently found an outline of what looks like Donald Trump on one of his bathroom tiles. That story again, a man in Virginia has reported the first ever case of orange mold.

20. A researcher at the University of Pittsburgh working on a finding a cure for the Zika accidentally infected herself with the virus while working in a lab. Which has got to be the worst example of ‘if you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em’ I have ever heard.

May 31, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. 107-year-old Virginia McLaurin, who got invited to the White House last year, attended her first Major League Baseball game last week. They made sure to buy her some crackerjacks because they’re pretty sure she’s never coming back.

2. According to Cosmopolitan, bickering about chores is more harmful to a couple than cheating. “Those are kinda one-in-the-same when you’re fucking the maid,” said Arnold Schwarzenegger.

3. On Sunday, Alexander Rossi won the 100th running of the Indy 500. Although, I’m not sure you can call anyone who drives 500 miles only to wind up in Indianapolis a winner

4. A new study found that women with deeper voices are more persuasive. And they may have point, because Bruce asked to be called Caitlyn and we all just agreed.

5. A Minnesota funeral home as added a bar to liven up funerals. And, as a funeral home, allowing mourners to drive home after a few cocktails is good for business.

6. An ad for a Chinese laundry detergent in which a black man is washed into an Asian man is being derided as racist. Even worse, the detergent is called ‘apar-Tide.’

7. Last week, a 58-year-old man in South Carolina applied for a bank loan so he could purchase more meth. He put down “willing to suck your dick” as collateral.

8. After allegations of domestic abuse, a judge has granted actress Amber Heard a temporary restraining order against former husband Johnny Depp. For the sake of the movie industry, do you think the judge would order Depp to stay away from Tim Burton, too?

9. On Sunday, the Libertarian party nominated former New Mexico Governor Gary Johnson as their presidential nominee. So, if this is the first you’re hearing about it, it’s also probably the last.

10. Israel’s first transgender beauty pageant was won by a Taleen Abu Hanna, a Christian Arab, on Friday. Abu Hanna was given a crown while the pageant host sang “There she is, Miss Trans Israel,” which will be the only time she hears those words not immediately followed by “let’s get her!”

March 9, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. Actor and former California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger endorsed John Kasich for president. Which is a shame, because it means we won’t get to hear Schwarzenegger try to pronounce “Marco Rubio.”

2. In Florida, a woman who was naked from the waist down drove her car into a Waffle House restaurant. And, she was still the the most-overdressed person at that Waffle House.

3. On Monday, a 10-year-old boy, born without hands or lower legs was signed by his favorite baseball team, the New York Yankees. The boy said he became a Yankees fan because you don’t need arms or legs to boo A-Rod.

4. Bernie Sanders has sued Ohio’s secretary of state over what it calls an unconstitutional attempt to prevent young people from voting in the state’s primary. Which is a pretty big deal because Bernie considers anyone under 65 to be a ‘young voter.’

5. According to new research, taking off your bra may lead to firmer, healthier breasts. Said researchers, “No, no, slower … now, arch your back a little.”

6. According to a new study, children who skip lunch may not be getting enough vitamins and minerals from the rest of their meals. But, to be fair, there are only so many hours in the day and those iPads aren’t gonna make themselves.

7. According to a new study, U.S. workers without paid sick leave are more likely to keep going to work when they’re sick and to forgo medical care. Researchers made this discovery by eating at Chipotle.

8. On Tuesday, model Naomi Campbell received the “Women Leading Change” award to mark International Women’s Day. Said her assistant, “Great, another blunt object for her to use.”

9. According to the adult website PornHub, the most searched for term in 30 of the 50 states is “lesbian.” And, in unrelated news, Hillary Clinton has bought more pant-suits.

10. On Sunday, Republican presidential candidate Marco Rubio won the primary held in Puerto Rico. Although, if you ask me, the real winner was Donald Trump for not saying something super-racist about it.