September 3, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. Yesterday, ABC unveiled the full cast of the next season of “Dancing with the Stars,” which will include actor Gary Busey and horse-jockey Victor Espinoza. Espinoza said he knows the show will be a challenge, especially, after seeing Busey’s teeth, resisting the temptation to ride him.

2. Yesterday, ABC unveiled the full cast of the next season of “Dancing with the Stars,” which will include singer Chaka Kahn and celebrity chef Paula Deen. So, for once, Deen’s habit of calling every black woman ‘Chaka Khan’ won’t get her in trouble.

3. On Saturday, Robin Deakin, dubbed “Britain’s Worst Boxer,” won his first fight in 9 years after suffering 51 straight losses. Or, at least, that’s what they told him happened after he regained consciousness.

4. The head of Britain’s national sperm bank urged men to prove their manhood and help ease a shortage after the center signed up just nine registered donors this year. Did those guys sign up before or after they donated because I need to know whether I should bring my own pen.

5. On Wednesday, presidential candidate Donald Trump took a jab at Jeb Bush’s habit of answering questions in Spanish by saying he should speak English while in the United States. Which has to be the first time in history that anyone has ever told a guy named Jeb that he needs to speak English.

6. Yesterday, the New York Times reported that the script of the upcoming movie “Concussion,” about football-related brain injuries, was revised to avoid angering the NFL. “You can revise a script?” said the writer of ‘Pixels.’

7. Los Angeles authorities have charged 56-year-old Lewis Eugene Stark Jr. in connection with the theft of the University of Southern California’s copy of O.J. Simpson’s Heisman Trophy more than 20 years ago. Said O.J., “You can be charged with a crime that happened 20 years ago!?! Shit!”

8. Five hungry polar bears have surrounded a team of unarmed researchers at a remote outpost in northern Russia. Said the researchers, “On second thought, we are in favor of global warming.”

9. On Wednesday, the South African city of Durban was selected as the host of the 2022 Commonwealth Games. Because, apparently, the city of Durban and the Commonwealth Games are things that exist.

10. According to People Magazine, fresh off his break-up with Miss Piggy, Kermit the Frog is now dating another pig named Denise. Said the reporter who broke the story, “I’ve wasted my life.”

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