February 3, 2020 – Monologue Jokes

1. President Trump said on Monday the United States and China were in close contact regarding the newly identified coronavirus outbreak. “Close contact? Be careful, you might contract something,” said China:

 2. Last week, scientists discovered four new species of sharks that walk. Scientists made this discovery by showing the movie “Cats” to a bunch of sharks and watching them walk out of the theater. 

3. ‘Rolling Stone’ reported this week that during a listening party for his new record, singer Justin Bieber cried during the album’s playback. Crying because you’re being forced to listen to Justin Bieber music is the most relatable Justin Bieber has ever been. 

4. London’s first cheese-themed hotel opened last week. There are only rooms for one, because if your lifestyle makes you want to sleep in a cheese hotel, you’re probably provolone. 

5. NASA recently announced that it wants to put a female astronaut on the moon by 2024. While Mike Pence wants to put all women there by 2025.

6. Author Mary Higgins Clark, known as the ‘Queen of Suspense,’ died on Friday at the age of 92. Or did she? 

7. Doctors have issued a warning telling young men not to masturbate using banana peels, which has become a trend circulating on social media. Otherwise you may find out just how curious George really is.

8. Former National Security Adviser John Bolton has announced that his forthcoming tell-all book will be called “The Room Where It Happened: A White House Memoir.” It will be the first book told entirely from the Presidential bathroom. 

9. Democratic presidential candidate Michael Bloomberg has already spend over a quarter of a billion dollars on campaign ads. It’s all part of Bloomberg’s plan to be more omni-present and annoying than Flo from Progressive. 

10. Border agents arrested a 36-year-old US citizen this week after finding 222 pounds of liquid meth in his truck. To give you an idea, this is what 222 pounds of meth looks like:

11. A man in China recently ate several live eels in an attempt to cure his constipation. “No matter how this ends, it’s gonna be my problem” said the aquarium’s janitor.

12. Last week, it was announced on Twitter that Mr. Peanut, the 104-year old mascot of the Planters snack food company, has died. Although the timing of his death is suspicious since it came so quickly after the release of this photo:

13. An ad appearing in the Waze navigation app is misdirecting motorists trying to get to Atlantic City’s Borgata Casino into the wilderness of New Jersey instead. The ad is actually from the Borgata, specifically the casino’s collections department:

14. Soccer star Megan Rapinoe recently appeared on the cover of ‘Sports Illustrated’ wearing a dress and holding a sledgehammer. “So it was the swimsuit edition,” said lesbians.

15. Last week on Twitter, actor David Schwimmer proposed a reboot of ‘Friends’ featuring an all African American cast. During the first episode Gunther calls the cops on the six black people for loitering in the coffee shop. 

16. Last week on Twitter, actor David Schwimmer proposed a reboot of ‘Friends’ featuring an all African American cast. Great news, we already have our Rachel:

17. Tinder is adding new safety features, including a panic button that alerts safety authorities if something goes wrong during a date. That’s crazy because it implies that something could go right on a Tinder date.

18. “Doctor Who” made history with its first ever black Doctor, who was revealed during Sunday night’s episode. Unfortunately it was Dr. Conrad Murray:

19. Twitter said on Monday accounts of several NFL teams, including the San Francisco 49ers and Kansas City Chiefs, were hacked, ahead of the Super Bowl. And apparently the Cleveland Browns:

20. President Trump tweeted in Arabic and Hebrew this week to promote his new Middle East peace deal. Begging the question, how can you even tell in Trump’s tweets are in a different language:

21. According to reports, Queen Elizabeth initially wanted to demote Prince Harry to an Earl upon hearing his decision to leave the Royal Family. “Vicious burn!” said the whitest people you know. 

22. A woman was arrested last week after attempting to sneak into the U.S. from Canada by running through a library that straddles the border between Quebec and Vermont. Police suspected she wasn’t American because she was in a library.

October 7, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. Recently, presidential candidate Carly Fiorina said her degree in medieval studies will help her defeat ISIS. Said ISIS, “We have never been so offended, who allowed a woman to get a degree?”

2. In a move to reduce prison overcrowding, the Federal Bureau of Prisons will grant early release to about 6,000 inmates beginning at the end of this month. Or, as the NFL refers to it, just in time for the playoffs.

3. Republican presidential candidate Bobby Jindal will unveil a tax plan today under which all citizens will pay at least some federal income tax. No word whether, under President Jindal’s plan, the flying pigs will have to pay taxes too.

4. Arizona State University officials have asked football fans to refrain from painting their faces black for a blackout home game this weekend after several students did so last year. “Looks like my Saturday night just opened up,” said Rachel Dolezal.

5. In a recent interview with “Vanity Fair,” singer Rihanna said she once felt strong enough to take back boyfriend Chris Brown after he famously assaulted her in 2009. Luckily she had someone around to knock some sense into her.

6. Lexus unveiled a full-sized cardboard version of their new sedan in London on Monday. “Cool, it will match my garage,” said homeless people.

7. Over the weekend, presidential candidate Donald Trump said he has a firearm license and owns a gun in New York and if anyone messes with him they’re “gonna get shot.” Which is terrible news for Donald’s barber.

8. New Jersey Governor Chris Christie said he would rather jump off the Brooklyn Bridge than be in Congress. That takes integrity, specifically structural integrity on the part of the bridge.

9. Burger King customers are reporting that the limited-edition, Halloween-themed, black-bunned Whopper turned their poop green. And they’re pretty sure it was the burger’s doing since no Burger King customer has eaten anything green in years.

10. A farmer in Michigan last week accidentally unearthed a wooly mammoth skeleton while digging in his field. “My parents did tell me they sent Wooly to go live on a farm upstate,” said Larry King.

July 8, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. Yesterday police raided the house of Subway spokesman Jared Fogle on suspected child pornography charges. Apparently Fogle was really serious about getting himself into smaller sizes of pants.

2. Om Tuesday, celebrity chef Paula Deen tweeted out and then immediately deleted a picture of her standing next to her son who was dressed in blackface. Even worse, Deen originally posted the photo to prove that she had a black friend.

3. Former Virginia Governor Jim Gilmore said on Tuesday he would join the race for the 2016 Republican presidential nomination. Begging the question, is that a real person or did I just make him up?

4. According to a new study, use of indoor tanning beds is on the decline. I guess the industry couldn’t withstand the hit of Rachel Dolezal shamed into being white again.

5. On Tuesday, the Florida State Seminoles kicked De’Andre Johnson off the football team after a video surfaced of the quarterback punching a woman in a bar. Which can only mean one thing, Johnson is not their starting quarterback.

6. On Tuesday, Disney announced that a Star Wars prequel staring Hans Solo is in the works with a slated release date of May 25, 2018. Said Star Wars fans, “Luckily, I’m free May 25, 2018 … and every night until then.”

7. A judge ruled on Tuesday that Time Warner Cable must pay a customer $229,500 for placing 153 automated calls to her phone in less than one year. The company was able to get through to her that many times because her telephone service provider was not Time Warner.

8. A new trend among Palestinians is taking selfies in front of Al Aqsa, an 8th century Muslim holy site in Jerusalem. But, if you’re near the shrine and you hear someone with a heavy accent say “3, 2, 1,” you should probably get outta there just to be safe.

9. A man convicted of having sex on a public beach in Florida in front of a child was sentenced on Monday to 2 1/2 years in prison. But, on the plus side, the woman got off.

10. On Monday, Susannah Mushatt Jones, the world’s oldest person, turned 116. “Show off,” said the word’s second oldest person.

June 26, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. In a recent interview, Duke basketball coach Mike Krzyzewski said he is on Twitter under an alias so he can keep track of what his players are doing online. Which probably means Dick Vitale isn’t the only dick he sees regularly.

2. In a show of support for Tom Brady, the Foxboro Country Club has replaced all the flags on their golf course with flags bearing the quarterback’s jersey number twelve. “Those flags are a disgusting reminder of decades of oppression and need to come down,” said Jets fans.

3. Univision is canceling its telecast of the Miss USA pageant, an event owned by Donald Trump, to protest Trump’s offensive remarks about Mexicans. Trump said the next step is to build a wall around the pageant so Univision can’t get back in.

4. Facebook said this week that it has developed a technology that can recognize and tag people’s faces in photos. “We’ll see about that,” said Rachel Dolezal.

5. The San Diego Zoo’s 150 year-old tortoise named Speed passed away last week. “Looks like I won the bet,” said Larry King.

6. Minneapolis, Minnesota was voted the best place to celebrate the Fourth of July. “Disagree,” said the dogs of Minneapolis.

7. A new study found that 1 out of 4 kids in the U.S. have been a passenger in a car with an adult driver who is either drunk or stoned. While 2 out of 2 of Brittney Spears’ kids have.

8. The New York City Department of Consumer affairs says it has discovered “systematic overcharging for pre-packaged foods” at the city’s Whole Foods stores. And, in other news, the sky is blue.

9. In an interview this week, actor Arnold Schwarzenegger called his divorce from Maria Schriver his “biggest failure.” Begging the question, has he seen “Junior” recently?

10. Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker said on Thursday he will announce the week of July 13 whether he will seek the Republican presidential nomination in 2016. It’s a real “will he or will he” situation.

11. According to sources, New Jersey Governor Chris Christie will announce on Tuesday he is running for president. Because, just like when Christie goes swimming, it’s necessary to give the other swimmers a heads up before jumping into the pool.

12. According to a new study, as they age, teenage boys who spend too much time in front of the computer could develop weaker bones. Well, except for one.

13. Authorities have discovered DNA from fugitives Richard Matt and David Sweat in a cabin deep in the woods in Pennsylvania. Because there’s not a lot to do when you’re stuck in a cabin in the middle of the woods.

14. The Massachusetts man who invented the plastic pink flamingo lawn ornament died this week at the age of 79. Per his wishes, his body will be left on his front yard to rot.

15. According to a new poll by Suffolk University, Donald Trump is outpolling all other Republican candidates in New Hampshire except for Jeb Bush. Which can only mean one thing, Donald Trump has bought Suffolk University.

16. Billionaire investor Carl Icahn has said no in response to Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump floating his name for U.S. Treasury secretary. At least that’s what reporters think he said between fits of uncontrollable laugher.

June 23, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. President Obama made news over the weekend by using the n-word in a podcast while discussing race. Marking the first time FoxNews has ever supported Obama.

2. Over the weekend, a pregnant Kim Kardashian announced that she and Kanye West are expected a baby boy. “Well, at least for now,” said Caitlyn Jenner.

3. The Duquesne Brewing Company in Pennsylvania is rolling out a Vienna-style lager in honor of the late Penn State football coach Joe Paterno. If you close your eyes and take a sip, you’ll think you’re in Germany and no one was better at closing his eyes than Joe Paterno.

4. The Duquesne Brewing Company in Pennsylvania is rolling out a Vienna-style lager in honor of the late Penn State football coach Joe Paterno. Before it goes on sale, the beer will be aged ten years, or, as former assistant coach Jerry Sandusky thinks of it, way too old.

5. Jake Broadbent, the actor best known for playing Anakin Skywalker in “Star Wars: Episode I,” was arrested in South Carolina for reckless driving. Authorities were alerted to Broadbent by an anonymous tipster who said, “All over the road he is.”

6. Planned Parenthood has launched a mobile app that lets users request home lab kits that test for two of the most commonly sexually transmitted diseases. Which beats the old way of getting diagnosed, Snapchatting a picture of your junk to the local clinic.

7. Massachusetts Governor Charlie Baker unveiled a $27 million plan on Monday to decrease the state’s rising number of heroin and opium addicts. The way the plan works is Massachusetts uses that money to buy all the addicts one-way bus tickets to Rhode Island.

8. General Mills announced on Monday that it will stop using artificial coloring is its cereals. “Well, there goes my General Mills sponsorship deal,” said Rachel Dolezal.

9. A Honduran woman carrying 3.3 lbs of liquid cocaine in her breast implants was arrested at a Colombian airport. So good luck in the legal process to the future Mrs. Charlie Sheen.

10. Last week, Texas schools decided to return deep fryers and soda machines to their school cafeterias. Students celebrated the decision, then quickly got winded and had to take a rest.

June 22, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. Rachel Dolezal, the former president of Spokane’s chapter of the NAACP, is reportedly in talks to star in her own reality TV show. It will air on the BET? Network.

2. Rick Perry, the former Texas governor who is making a second run for the Republican presidential nomination next year, says he took away a major lesson from his failed 2012 bid: be prepared. As opposed to the more apt lesson he should have learned: America doesn’t want you to be president.

3. Over the weekend, a Honduran woman carrying 3.3 lbs of liquid cocaine in her breast implants was arrested at a Colombian airport. Authorities became suspicious when her baby was snorting breast milk.

4. British researchers have discovered around 8 million mummified animals, mostly dogs, in an ancient Egyptian burial ground. To see anything like that outside of Egypt, you’d have to travel all the way to Michael Vick’s backyard.

5. The Orem Owlz, a minor league baseball team in Utah, has cancelled an upcoming promotional night entitled “Caucasian Heritage Night.” Although, isn’t every gathering of people in Utah a celebration of caucasian heritage?

6. Actor Johnny Depp has put his 37-acre, south of France estate on the market for $25.76 million. But don’t worry if you don’t have that kind of money, you still get ripped off by Depp by buying a ticket to any one of his movies.

7. In an attempt to reach younger customers, McDonald’s has created a set of sponsored filters for Snapchat featuring a cheeseburger and fries and a purple heart bearing the company’s logo. Not to be outdone, the Burger King has signed up for Grindr.

8. Senator Lindsey Graham said we are due for a bachelor president. “Yeah, it’s been about 15 years since we had one,” said Bill Clinton.

9. The Iowa Supreme Court has rejected a state rule requiring doctors to see abortions patients in person, ruling that Planned Parenthood may continue administering abortion-inducing medications using remote video technology. The use of remote technology is in line with Planned Parenthood’s motto “The less people in the womb, the better.”

10. Last week, Delaware Governor Jack Markell signed into law a bill decriminalizing possession and private use of small amounts of marijuana. Because if you had to spend eternity next to New Jersey, you’d smoke too.

June 18, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. Singer-songwriter Neil Young told Donald Trump that the new presidential candidate does not have his permission to the use the song “Rockin’ in the Free World.” As a result, Trump has contacted Beck to see if he can use “the Devil’s Haircut.”

2. According to a report from the CDC, the number of births in the U.S. went up last year for the first time since 2007. “Challenge accepted,” said Casey Anthony.

3. According to social media, a new trend among young women is growing out their underarm hair. Also a new trend among young women, celibacy.

4. China on Wednesday rebuffed comments made by Donald Trump that China is stealing U.S. jobs, saying trade between the two countries is a win-win. Begging the question, what will you give us for Donald?

5. According to a new study, only 50% of all athletes who have knee surgery return to the high level of performance they had before the procedure. Scary to think that there’s potentially an even worse version of the Knicks out there.

6. In a recent interview, former Spokane NAACP president Rachel Dolezal said she doesn’t consider herself a con artist. Unless that some sort of new slang black people are now using, in that case, yes she does.

7. A Pittsburgh man robbed a bank this week using a vibrator. Said the man, “For the love of God, someone please warn my wife we accidentally switched bags before she sees ‘Magic Mike 2.’”

8. Iran has launched a website designed to encourage young single people to get married. It’s called ForcedMatch.com.

9. Yesterday, Cleveland Browns quarterback Johnny Manziel told the media he is retiring the trademark money sign he does with his fingers after a good play. Said Browns fans, “We got really excited, but then we heard there was more to the sentence after the word ‘retiring.’”

10. Hillary Clinton said on Wednesday that she would soon roll out a plan to make college more affordable and help graduates who are already mired in student debt. And, since her husband Bill is one of her advisors, I’m gonna guess the plan is stripping.

June 15, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. The mother of Rachel Dolezal, the head of Spokane, Washington’s chapter of the NAACP, claims that her daughter is lying about being black, noting that Rachel’s Montana birth certificate says she was born to two “caucasian” parents. Further proof that she’s white, her Montana birth certificate said she was born in Montana.

2. In a recent interview with CNN, former President Bill Clinton opened up about his marriage to Hillary. In fact, he used the words “open” and “marriage” a lot.

3. Last week was the annual Congressional baseball game, pitting Democratic politicians against Republicans. During which the spectators in attendance gave the most truthful rendition of the line “I don’t care if I ever get back” in baseball history.

4. Three astronauts returned to Earth last week from the International Space Station after spending more than 200 days in space. Which is a long time, but I can relate because I sat through all of “Interstellar.”

5. A man in China reportedly broke his penis after falling off the back of a taxi scooter while watching porn on his phone. Luckily for the taxi driver, the man had already given him his tip.

6. “Jurassic World” claimed the #1 spot in the box office over the weekend. The movie tells the tale of misfortune and disaster that results from bringing back a once extinct race … oh, no, sorry, that’s the story of Rick Perry’s 2016 presidential campaign.

7. Actor John Stamos, of “Full House” fame, was arrested Saturday night on suspicious of driving under the influence. While in jail, for a change, Stamos was the one yelling “uncle.”

8. The girlfriend of the world’s first successful penis transplant is reportedly pregnant. Said the girlfriend, “You’ve created a monster!!!”

9. Italian neurosurgeon Sergio Canavero unveiled his plans to perform the first human head transplant, saying he believes he has a 90% chance of success. Said Dr. Canavero, “‘Sucess” means ‘murder,’ right?”

10. Rocker Marilyn Manson was given a lifetime achievement prize at Britain’s Kerrang! Awards. In what I can only assume is an ingenious ploy to get Manson to call it a lifetime and stop making music.