May 14, 2020 – Monologue Jokes

1. Queen guitarist Brian May was hospitalized last week after tearing hit buttock muscles while gardening. Said May, “Please tell people I have coronavirus.” 

2. The European Space Agency said this week that human urine could one day be used to make concrete to build structures on the Moon. So, from now, please refer to him as astronaut R Kelly:

3. Actor Hafthor Bjornsson, who played The Mountain in ‘Game of Thrones,’ set a deadlift world record by lifting 1,104 pounds. Breaking the old record of 1,054 pounds held by Dame Judi Dench: 

4. According to a new survey, almost 70% of married couples say they learned something new about their partner during quarantine. Said Donald to Melania, “We have a kid?!?!?!”

5. Florida Governor Ron DeSantis referred to his state as ‘God’s waiting room’ during a coronavirus press briefing last week. “Not so fast” said Georgia: 

6. Last week, Jada Pinkett Smith said even though she’s been married to Will Smith for 23 years, being quarantined with him made her realize she doesn’t know him at all. Said Pinkett Smith, “Did you know he doesn’t even have an uncle named Phil?”

7. Approximately 300,000 coronavirus masks sent to pregnant women in Japan as part of a government handout have been found to be faulty. Said the pregnant women, “Faulty protection is how we got into this mess to begin with.” 

8. German doctors are posing naked to protest protective equipment shortages. And I think I speak for everyone when I say, don’t get any ideas Dr. Phil:

9.  Last week, Carnival Cruise Line bookings shot up by 600% when they announced that they would return to the high seas on August 1 after months of coronavirus lockdown.  It’s gonna be weird in fifty years, when people want to compare something to a complete disaster and, instead of saying the Titanic, they reference the Goofy II.

10. Last week, an asparagus reader predicted that President Trump will be re-elected and impeached again. Laugh if you will, but she’s always been 100% accurate when she predicted that my pee was gonna smell.

11. After his personal valet tested positive for coronavirus, President Trump said he will undergo the COVID-19 testing every day. Said the man who administered the test by inserting a long swab into Trump’s nose, “I’ve never felt less resistance.” 

12. Last week, the creator of the dystopian tv series ‘Black Mirror’ said the world is too bleak right now for a sixth season of his show. And yet somehow ‘Fuller House’ is allowed to go on as planned.

13. Last Sunday, President Trump answered questions during a virtual town hall on FoxNews staged in front of the Lincoln Memorial. Trump’s answers were so nonsensical that halfway through the interview Lincoln stood up and walked out.

14. In California, a trio of suspected thieves was arrested trying to steal thirty-one rolls of toilet paper, thirty-two towels, and four sets of bed sheets. And no one was more angry about the arrests than the thieves’ wives who sent them out to pick up a few things:

15. During a segment on ‘Good Morning America’, the CEO of the Dolphins revealed mock ups of new entrances to their stadium that will help people adhere to social distancing guidelines. Here’s what those mock ups look like:

16. Last Thursday night, between 7pm and 7:30pm, JetBlue conducted a flyover of Manhattan, Queens, and the Bronx to salute healthcare reporters. Not to be confused with the flyover that occurred between 7:30pm and 10pm, which was JetBlue circling LaGuardia waiting to land.

17. According to a recent survey, women in New York find the Cuomo brothers more attractive than the Jonas brothers. “Alright, but what if we get rid of Kevin,” said the other two Jonas brothers:

18. According to Variety, actor Nicolas Cage will play Joe Exotic in an upcoming TV series about the eclectic zookeeper. Said Cage showing up on the first day of shooting with a mullet, dressed in a cowboy hat and a leopard print sleeveless shirt, “Okay, so what’s this Joe Exotic guy look like?”

19. French researchers are preparing to launch a human trial to test their hypothesis that nicotine can help the body combat coronavirus. That story again, Keith Richards is going to live forever.

20. Last weekend, Secretariat won a virtually Kentucky Derby race. Unfortunately the horse that finished in last place, Seattle Slew, was made into virtual glue.

April 21, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. New England Patriot defensive end Alan Branch said he decided to skip going to the White House to meet President Trump on Wednesday because he “couldn’t shake his hand and look my daughters in the eye.” Said Trump, “Who looks their daughter in the eye?”:

2. A professional tennis match being played at the Sarasota Open in Florida Tuesday night was temporarily interrupted by the sounds of loud sex coming from a building nearby. That story again, the couple that lives in the apartment above mine is apparently on vacation in Florida.

3. This week, Sarah Palin ate dinner with President Trump at the White House and brought along Ted Nugent and Kid Rock. That story again, the White House relaxed its “no shoes, no shirt, no service” policy.

4. On Wednesday, Fox News fired Bill O’Reilly amid sexual harassment allegations from twelve women over the past fifteen years. So, if you’re ever wondered exactly how behind the times Fox New is, the answer is fifteen years.

5. The same day he was fired from Fox News, Bill O’Reilly was spotted in Vatican City shaking the Pope’s hand. And the two have a lot in common, they’re both celibate, although not from a lack of trying by one of them.

6. British tech entrepreneur Patrick Bergel became the first man to drive a car across the Antartic, completing the feat 100 years after his great-grandfather, explorer Ernest Shackleton, failed to cross the same continent on foot. Said Bergel, “I like to think, if my great-grandfather were alive to see this, he’d call me an incredible pussy for using a car.”

7. According to a new study, having frequent sex improves your memory. Which makes it even weirder that Anthony Weiner kept forgetting to delete his browser history.

8. Colorado is set to open the country’s first drive-thru marijuana store. Although, technically, not on purpose:

9. An Oregon man’s obituary claims he died peacefully after falsely being told by his family members that Donald Trump had been impeached. His last words were reportedly “Oh no, Mike Pence!”

10. Barack and Michelle Obama have been spotted vacationing on a yacht in Tahiti with Oprah, Tom Hanks and Bruce Springsteen. “That’s ridiculous, who waits until after their presidency to vacation?” said Trump from Mar-a-Lago.

11. A high school senior in Tennessee went skydiving in a tuxedo to ask his girlfriend to prom. And, considering his first two parachutes failed and he was able to pull the chord to the last one just in time, he may want to get those tuxedo pants laundered before prom.

12. Renata Rojas of New York is paying $105,000 to visit the wreckage of the Titanic. Although, if she’s interested in seeing a sinking ship, she could save a lot of money by getting a job in the Trump White House.

13. A stage parody of the hit show “Friends” is debuting off-Broadway this year. While a parody of the hit show “The West Wing” has been running for months in D.C.

14. The International Church of Cannabis is set to open its doors for the first time next week in Denver. And I have a hunch that won’t be the only international house of worship those patrons visit that day:

15. According to a new study, having a baby can wreck your marriage. ”It’s adorable that you think those things happen in that order,” said the South.

16. According to reports, President Trump has requested a gold-plated carriage ride with Queen Elizabeth when he makes his first official visit to Great Britain. Presumably because the Access Hollywood bus was already booked.

April 13, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. In a new interview, President Trump appeared to waiver in his support for his chief strategist Steve Bannon. Which can only mean on thing, Trump has met a younger, hotter morbidly obese anti-semite who looks like he’s made of leprosy and bacon-cheeseburgers.

2. In a new interview, President Trump appeared to waiver in his support for his chief strategist Steve Bannon. If Trump fires Bannon he’ll have to find a new guy he can stand next to in order to look healthy by comparison.

3. On Tuesday night’s episode of “The O’Reilly Factor,” host Bill O’Reilly announced that he is going on a pre-planned vacation. “What a coincidence, us too!” said his sponsors.

4. Yesterday, while visiting an affordable housing complex in Miami, HUD Secretary Dr. Ben Carson got stuck in an elevator. Not to be outdone, Secretary of Energy Rick Perry has been stuck on a broken escalator for the past two weeks:

5. In a recent interview, President Trump revealed that he gave the final go-ahead to bomb Syria while eating chocolate cake with the President of China. Trump said it was the hardest decision thus far he’s had to make as President but ultimately he went with the chocolate cake.

6. In a recent interview, President Trump revealed that he gave the final go-ahead to bomb Syria while eating chocolate cake with the President of China. But, in Trump’s defense, there is a history of Presidents making huge geopolitical decisions over dessert:

7. Yesterday, when asked if recent events in Syria had changed his opinion on Putin, President Trump said, “Putin is the leader of Russia. Russia is a strong country.” To read more of President Trump’s statements you can refer to little Timmy Gilbert 3rd grade book report on Russia.

8. White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer said on Wednesday he had let down President Trump with his “inexcusable and reprehensible” comments concerning Adolf Hitler. But don’t worry Sean, Trump has ample experience in handling being let down:

9. ‘Saturday Night Live’ is being accused of plagiarizing a sketch from noted comedian Tig Notaro. Even more damning, apparently Alec Baldwin has been pretending to be Donald Trump on SNL and quoting him word-for-word for weeks.

10. The day after White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer apologized over his inappropriate comment about Adolf Hitler, North Dakota Representative Kevin Cramer said Spicer’s comment is “not without some merit.” That story again, man waves down the Titanic to make sure it doesn’t leave without him.

September 1, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. On Monday, retired neurosurgeon and Republican presidential candidate Ben Carson pulled into a tie with businessman Donald Trump in the newest poll of voters in Iowa. Begging the question, are you sure you’re not holding that poll upside-down?

2. Yesterday, U.S. presidential candidate Scott Walker proposed a wall spanning the country’s border with Canada. And I may be in favor of it depending on which side of the wall Walker will be on.

3. On Monday, the 19th-century manuscript of a musical number that gave rise to the song “Happy Birthday to You” was found in library at the University of Louisville in Kentucky. The document was discovered when, for the first time in history, a person in Kentucky went in a library.

4. At Sunday night’s Video Music Awards, Kanye West announced he will run for president in 2020 and Justin Bieber broke down and cried after performing. Sounds like Bieber is already angling for that John Boehner role in Kanye’s cabinet.

5. At Sunday night’s Video Music Awards, Kanye West announced that in 2020 he will run for president of the United States of America. Or, as it will be called in 2020, Donald Trump presents Trump’s United States of America by Trump.

6. At Sunday night’s Video Music Awards, Kanye West announced he will run for president in 2020. Which means Kim Kardashian could be the first First Lady most Americans have seen naked since Barbara Bush’s spread in Playgirl.

7. On Monday, the White House announced that President Obama will tape an episode of NBC’s “Running Wild with Bear Grylls” in the wilderness of Alaska. “Get my gun!” said Sarah Palin.

8. Yesterday, the owners of the infidelity website Ashley Madison said that hundreds of thousands of people have signed up for the website even after hackers leaked the data of millions of its customers. Because having my identity stolen is still better than spending one more day with you, Brenda!

9. On Monday, the White House said that President Obama has made no final decisions about what he will do after leaving office. Although, if Trump becomes president, he won’t have to make that decision as he will automatically be deported back to Kenya.

10. The Titanic’s last lunch menu is expected to sell for up to $70,000 in an online auction this week. The dinner menu is expected fetch far more as it was never used.

April 29, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. Mercedes Benz and CarMax have pulled their sponsorship deals with the Los Angeles Clippers in the wake of owner Donald Sterling’s racist comments. But those companies have been quickly replaced by new sponsors Paula Deen’s Hometown Buffet and the entire state of Alabama.

2. Country music legend Willie Nelson turns 81 today. To celebrate, friends are throwing him a surprise party, but when you’re Willie Nelson, aren’t all parties surprise parties?

3. Some employees at the Disney World theme park say they can’t afford the area’s $800 per month rent while making only $8.03 an hour. Which is why the seven dwarfs live together in real life too.

4. Some employees at the Disney World theme park say they can’t afford the area’s $800 per month rent making while only $8.03 an hour. Said one employee, “It all started to go downhill when we installed Barack Obama in the Hall of Presidents.”

5. Researchers have found 3,000 different kinds of bacteria living on $1 bills. So it turns out Sally Struthers was wrong, I actually saved more lives by not sending that dollar a day.

6. Colorado lawmakers approved legislation on Monday that limits the use of solitary confinement for prison inmates. Said one prisoner, “Great, a roommate? Now I gotta put my name on all my shivs.”

7. California lawmakers took steps on Monday to ban so-called extortion websites from posting mug shots of people who have been arrested and then demanding payment to remove the photos. The victims call it a crass way to make a buck, while Lindsay Lohan calls it the most positive publicity she’s had in years.

8. A letter from a passenger on the Titanic written just hours before the ship hit an iceberg and sunk, sold at auction on Saturday for $200,000. The letter reads, “Trip has been great. Just the vacation I needed. Staff has been attentive, although for some reason they keep rearranging the deck chairs.”

9. A bearded Austrian drag queen named Conchita Wurst will take to the European stage as her country’s contender for Eurovision, the extremely popular television singing contest that pits nation against nation. If Wurst fails to win, she will return to her day job, Cher impersonator.

10. An Ohio woman has been charged with petty theft after cemetery surveillance video caught her taking a toy off the grave of a young boy. As a result, I will have to find a new place to get my flowers.

January 16, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. A zoo in the UK has stopped feedings its monkeys bananas, saying the high calorie and sugar content of bananas grown for human consumption are unhealthy for monkeys. “That’s preposterous, all monkeys should have bananas,” said a Dr. Zaius.

2. A zoo in the UK has stopped feedings its monkeys bananas, saying the high calorie and sugar content of bananas grown for human consumption are unhealthy for monkeys. There’s a video online of a monkey drinking its own urine, so I’m guessing they’re not really health nuts.

3. Norwegian students solved nearly 5 million algebra equations in a week long challenge. “It took you a full week?” said China.

4. Supreme Court justices expressed doubt on Wednesday about a Massachusetts law that mandates a buffer zone around abortion clinics to allow patients unimpeded access. Said Chief Justice Roberts, “Unimpeded access? Isn’t that how they got in this mess in the first place? Hi-Yo.”

5. Johnnie Mae Young, a pioneering female wrestler and WWE Hall of Fame member, died on Tuesday at the age of 90. Her last words were reportedly ‘What are you a pussy? Hit me with that folding chair.”

6. Sotheby’s has rebutted claims that an $8.2 million Chinese calligraphic scroll from the Song dynasty it sold at auction in New York last year is a fake. Either it’s a fake or the Song dynasty was the first to perfect the number one with broccoli.

7. The 15th International Indian Film Academy Awards, the Oscars of Bollywood, will be presented in the US for the first time ever this year. So good luck getting a taxi that night.

8. On Thursday, British scientists said research shows that comedians demonstrate higher levels of psychotic personality traits. So the next time a comedian says he “killed last night” maybe there should be a follow-up question.

9. On Tuesday, LAPD detained singer Justin Bieber in his own garage while officers searched his home. Unfortunately, the garage door was open and his car wasn’t running at the time.

10. A life-sized replica of the Titanic will become the centerpiece of a theme park in China, featuring a shipwreck simulation to give visitors a harrowing sense of the 1912 disaster. Hopefully this theme park is more successful than Disney-China, which was forced to close down after the visitors kept trying to eat Pluto.

January 14, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. The NHL’s struggling Winnipeg Jets fired head coach Claude Neal on Sunday. “Which Jets coach was fired?” said Rex Ryan while clutching his chest.

2. Federal officials are reportedly investigating whether New Jersey Governor Chris Christie improperly used Superstorn Sandy relief funds to produce tourism ads featuring him during an election season. But, in Christie’s defense, no other actors were available as they were all stuck in traffic.

3. Federal officials are reportedly investigating whether New Jersey Governor Chris Christie improperly used Superstorn Sandy relief funds to produce tourism ads featuring him during an election season. But, in Christie’s defense, it is impossible to shoot anything in New Jersey with some part of Christie’s body being in frame.

4. Under the iconic paintings in the Sistine Chapel on Sunday, Pope Francis told mothers that it’s acceptable to breastfeed their children in public, including churches. Apparently the Pope likes breasts so much that he also told the crowd that it is acceptable to use holy water for wet t-shirt contests.

5. Charter Communications on Monday formally offered to acquire rival Time Warner Cable for $37.3 billion. But, if my experiences with Time Warner Cable are any guide, they’re gonna need to make at least three more phone calls to even get a response.

6. According to a government watchdog report, penis pumps have cost the U.S. government’s Medicare program $172 million between 2006 and 2011, about twice as much as the consumer would have paid at the retail level. I mean, that’s what I’m told. I don’t know how much a penis pump would run a guy at a store. Why would I? Is it hot in here?

7. According to a government watchdog report, penis pumps have cost the U.S. government’s Medicare program $172 million between 2006 and 2011, about twice as much as the consumer would have paid at the retail level. So I guess Cheney wasn’t the only dick full of himself in D.C. at that time.

8. On Sunday night, “12 Years a Slave” and “American Hustle” took home Golden Globes for best film of the year in the drama and comedy categories, respectively. One movie is a sobering look at an embarrassing time in US history, while the other is “12 Years a Slave.” Have you seen the hairstyles and clothing of the 70s?

9. A life-sized replica of the Titanic will become the centerpiece of a theme park in China, featuring a shipwreck simulation to give visitors a harrowing sense of the 1912 disaster. Prior to the theme park’s opening, if you wanted to experience a similar sense of dread and impending doom in China you had to be born a girl.

10. Southwest Airlines suspended two pilots from flying on Monday after their jetliner landed at the wrong airport in Missouri. So, when you say you’re flying Southwest, that’s not just the airline, apparently it’s also an approximation of where you’re landing.