March 30, 2020 – Monologue Jokes

1. When asked why he was referring to the coronavirus as the Chinese virus last week, President Trump said, “I have to call out where it came from.” And, in his defense, he has a track record of naming awful things that were unleashed on the word after where they came from:

2. Last Thursday, O.J. Simpson tweeted that he’d go ‘crazy’ if all golf courses were closed due to the coronavirus. And just when you thought news couldn’t get any worse for laid-off waiters in Brentwood.

3. An Oregon police department is asking residents to stop calling 911 because they’ve run out of toilet paper. But if you do call 911 because you’ve run out of toilet paper, please disinfect your phone.

4. Last week, actor Idris Elba announced that he tested positive for the coronavirus. But, on the plus-side, catching the virus is still only the second worst thing that’s happened to Idris this year:

5. New York City mayor Bill de Blasio said Wednesday the city will remove basketball hoops at parks where pick-up games continued despite social-distancing guidelines as a result of the coronavirus pandemic. “Wait, we were supposed to be shooting at the hoop this whole time?” asked the Knicks.

6. In a recent interview, actress Courteney Cox says she doesn’t even remember being on ‘Friends.’ Meanwhile, Matt Le Blanc still wakes up in cold sweats because he remembers ‘Joey.’ 

7. Disgraced Hollywood mogul Harvey Weinstein tested positive for the coronavirus while in prison. Harvey said the nasal swab was the nicest thing he’s had shoved into him all week.

8.  Disgraced Hollywood mogul Harvey Weinstein tested positive for the coronavirus while in prison. So now he’s got to break the news to everyone he’s come in contact with:

9. Last week, six-time Super Bowl champion quarterback Tom Brady announced that he is signing with the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. Said Brady, “I’m tired of winning.”

10. Simba, a dog from Florida that was missing for more than two months, was found last week 1,400 miles away in Michigan. Which is, at best, a lateral move.

11. Last week, in an effort to halt the spread of the coronavirus, Germany banned gatherings of more than two people. Which, depending on how you look at it, is either a two months or seventy years too late:

12. According to a new study, taking a bath may be good for your heart. So I guess my 401k’s heart is really healthy right now

13. Pope Francis has donated 30 respirators to hospitals in areas hardest hit by the coronavirus pandemic. Because even the fucking Pope knows sending ‘thoughts and prayers’ does nothing.

14. An opera singer in Paris is giving daily concerts from his balcony window to lift his neighbors’ spirits during the nationwide lockdown enforced to contain the spread of the coronavirus. Said his neighbors, “I now you can lose you sight and smell from corona, but we’re also hoping it takes our sense of sound too.”

15. A Belgian robotics firm is lending a fleet of robots to old-age homes to help tend to residents after the government banned visitors to prevent the spread of coronavirus. It’s the perfect way to ensure that the elderly do not die from the coronavirus, but instead heart attacks.

16. CVS mistakenly sent false information to its staff about how to combat the coronavirus late last week. Even worse, here’s how they sent that information:

17. Last week, Hashem Abedi, the brother of Manchester bomber, was found guilty of 22 counts of the murders. Said Abedi’s mother, “Why can’t you be more like your brother?!!?!”

18. Last week a woman gave birth the in toilet paper aisle of a Missouri Walmart. Luckily the aisle was completely sterile:

19. Joe Biden’s presidential campaign installed a television studio in his basement over the weekend. Oddly, it was the Teletubbies studio set:

20. Coronavirus has had a dramatic effect on the sex industry as many porn actors are avoiding contact with other performers and, as a result, suffering financially. So if you’ve ever fantasized about your favorite porn star ‘checking you out’ at the supermarket, there’s a real chance now:

June 22, 2018 – Monologue Jokes

1. Last week, Attorney General Jeff Sessions cited a Bible verse to justify his policy of separating immigrant families. I have an idea, let’s tell Sessions that Church and State are from Mexico and maybe he’ll be in favor of their separation, too.

2. The New York State Assembly is considering a bill that will legalize alcoholic ice cream. That story again, apparently someone dumped the New York State Assembly.

3. A Turkish court accepted an indictment charging the father of New York Knicks center Enes Kanter with “membership in a terror group.” It’s terrible that he’s being so publicly lumped in with such a bad crowd, also that bad news about Kanter’s father too.

4. On Tuesday, President Trump tweeted out “If you don’t have Borders, you don’t have a Country.” Because if there’s one thing this guy knows about it, it’s setting boundaries:

5. After delivering a speech to a group of business owners on Tuesday, President Donald Trump hugged an American flag as he walked off stage. That story again, Michael Avenatti has a new client:

6. According to a new study, cases of syphilis reported in England have reached the highest level since 1949. “You’re welcomed,” said Collin Farrell.

7. The U.S Golf Association has issued an apology after last weekend’s broadcast of the U.S. Open picked up audio from two guys graphically describing a sexual encounter. But, that’ll happen when you make Billy Bush your caddy:

8. A Scottish man has created a donut, chicken nugget hybrid that he is calling the donug. Which means Trump’s second hand will finally be freed up to go back to tweeting:

9. Chicago Cubs pitcher Brandon Morrow was scratched from Tuesday’s game against the Dodgers because he injured his back while taking off his pants. “I know you’re excited, but the key is take them off one leg at a time,” said Morrow’s new life coach:

10. On Tuesday, President Trump accused Canada of smuggling American sneakers across the border. Which explains Jeff Session’s new immigration policy of dressing Mexican immigrants up like Nikes and busing them to Albany:

11. A hat said to been worn by Napoleon Bonaparte at Waterloo 203 years ago was sold at auction for over $400,000. “That’s a great deal, my hat cost much more than that and it’s damaged,” said the guy who bought Lincoln’s hat:

12. A Russian soccer commentator said he will no longer do World Cup matches for Russia’s biggest state-run broadcaster, four days after naming President Vladimir Putin’s biggest critic live on air. The announcer said he is retiring to spend more time with his family, once he finds out where Putin has hidden them.

13. Burger King Russia has apologized for offering a lifetime supply of Whoppers to any Russian woman who could get pregnant with the child of a World Cup player. Wow, that really is a poorly conceived promotion, if you’re asking a woman to get pregnant you definitely give away Whopper Jrs.

14. According to reports, during a tense meeting with German Chancellor Angela Merkel at the G7, President Trump reached into his pocket, pulled out two Starbursts, tossed them at Merkel and said, “Don’t say I never give you anything.” Which can only mean one thing, Trump definitely had more than two Starbursts in his pocket.

15. First Lady Melania Trump’s visit on Thursday to the Mexican border was overshadowed by a jacket she wore with the words “I really don’t care, do u?” scrawled on the back. Not to be outdone, Trump has writing on the back of all his jackets too:

16. A 3-year-old girl is safe after spending the night in a rural Missouri cornfield, with her faithful dog by her side. Said the girl, “I wouldn’t have made it without Rover, he was delicious.”

17. Phil Mickelson hit a moving ball on the 13th green during the third round of golf’s U.S. Open on Saturday. “He hit a moving ball? That’s impossible.” said every single Miami Marlin.

18. In a new interview former White House aid Steve Bannon claims that president Trump has “never told a lie.” Adding, “In fact, just the other day he told me I was very handsome and a sharp dresser”:

19. It was announced this week that Robert Patterson, the acting administrator of the Drug Enforcement Administration, will retire at the end of the month. Patterson said he wants to spend more time at home narcing on his family.

20. According to a new study, people who are married may be less likely to die from a heart attack or stroke than individuals who aren’t. “That’s a real chicken or the egg type problem for me,” said Melania.

July 7, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. While in Poland with her husband, First Lady Melania Trump said all people should be allowed to “live their lives without fears.” Well, she didn’t so much say it as she blinked it with her eyes in Morse code.

2. A London-based startup has teamed up with Mastercard to launch a payment card that allows users to retroactively choose a different credit card for a purchase they have already made, in what they call “financial time travel”. Which of course will lead to a slew of financial time travels going back in time to overdraw Hitler’s bank account.

3. Director Quentin Tarantino has reportedly proposed to his longtime girlfriend. Here’s a look at the engagement ring:

4. According to a new study, children whose parents separate and are not on speaking terms may be more vulnerable to catching colds than those whose parents stay together. Although, I have a feeling Rob Kardashian and Black Chyna’s kid is screwed either way.

5. An Oregon man who pleaded guilty to sexually assaulting a live chicken will have to register as a sex offender. But, on the plus-side, we finally have an answer to the ageless riddle of which came first the chicken or the egg, turns out it was Gary.

6. According to a new study, girls may see boys as smarter starting at age 6. And then dumber at age 71:

7. People are outraged after a Pennsylvania woman posted a video of herself urinating on an American flag on the Fourth of July. Angry commentators called it a disgrace of the flag while President Trump called it a waste of good urine.

8. According to new research, American women spend nearly a quarter of a million dollars on their appearance in their lifetime. So, by the standard, Joan Rivers actually outlived her life expectancy.

9. Famed astrophysicist Stephen Hawking fears Donald Trump’s decision to pull out of the Paris climate change agreement could be the “tipping point” which wipes out humanity. Although, I thought were all in agreement that we reached the tipping point on the human race years ago:

10. Experts have coined the term ‘kittenfishing’ which happens when dating app users embellish the truth and present themselves in an unrealistically positive light try to attract potential lovers. Or, as it’s more commonly known, ‘dating.’

11. According to a new report, couples are increasingly turning to sex robots to enjoy risk-free threesomes. That story again, Alexa’s seen some shit.

12. Shawn Sheehan, Oklahoma’s 2016 Teacher of the Year, recently picked up and moved to Texas for the money. Begging the question, if the teacher of the year in Oklahoma boarded a train for Texas headed south at 80 mph…

13. A Missouri man was arrested after he abducted his sister days before her wedding to prevent her from walking down the aisle. “I begged my parents for a brother,” said Melania.

14. On Friday, a spokeswoman for Disneyland confirmed that the Pirates of the Caribbean ride will remove a scene in which a pirate buys his wife at auction. So, now, if visitors want to see a foul-mouthed ogre who bought his wife, they’ll have to wait until they install the Trump robot at the Hall of Presidents.

15. The house where fictional serial killer Buffalo Bill lived in the movie “Silence of the Lambs” is for sale. It’s a three bedroom, two bath that may or may not have a finished basement depending on what you’re into.

16. According to research, instead of drinking milk or taking supplements to get adequate amounts of calcium, calcium-rich mineral water is an equally good source. “There’s probably some calcium in there too,” said officials in Flint.

17. Luckily no one was injured after a hot-air balloon carrying 17 people crash-landed in an alligator-infested retention pond in Orlando earlier this week. That hard to believe story again, people were in a hot-air ballon and that experience somehow got worse.

18. According to a new study, eating chocolate can ward off dementia. Counterpoint:

19. Warren Buffett, the second wealthiest person in the world, recently said that rich people in America are too rich. And, to solve the problem, Buffett has bought and renamed America.

20. Walgreens said it has ended its deal to buy competitor Rite Aid after antitrust concerns and will instead buy only half of their stores for $5.18 billion. Pictured is the receipt for that purchase:

April 14, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. This week, inspectors noted over a dozen health code violations in the kitchen at Trump’s Mar-a-Lago estate in Florida. So, it turns out it may not have been the view that was making patrons so queasy:

2. Yesterday, CNN commentator Jeffrey Lord called Donald Trump “the Martin Luther King Jr. of healthcare.” As in, Trump’s hopes for healthcare reform are also just a dream.

3. Yesterday, CNN commentator Jeffrey Lord called Donald Trump “the Martin Luther King Jr. of healthcare.” And, in Lord’s defense, people have been marching in the streets because of him:

4. According to a new study, the average unmarried American spent $1,596 on their dating life in 2016. While some married Americans spent double that:

5. Scientists have created a device that can pull drinking water from the air using only the power of sunlight. “Alright, now you’re just being dicks about it,” said the residents of Flint.

6. While speaking at a town hall in Oklahoma on Tuesday, Congressman Markwayne Mullin said the notion that his constituents pay his salary is “bullcrap.” And, come mid-term elections, he’ll be right.

7. Shigeo Tokuda, the world’s oldest porn star at the age of 82, credits his incredible sex drive to eating eggs every day. “So, I guess we’re getting rid of eggs,” said the guy in charge of the cafeteria at Fox News.

8. According to reports, actor Shia LaBeouf will spend a month alone in a remote cabin in Finland for an art project. And also the good of mankind.

9. According to reports, actor Shia LaBeouf will spend a month alone in a remote cabin in Finland for an art project. Although, if he wanted solitude he could just go to any movie theater showing a Shia LaBeouf film.

10. The day after White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer apologized over his inappropriate remark about Adolf Hitler, North Dakota Representative Kevin Cramer said Spicer’s remark is “not without some merit.” These idiots know they can just say “no comment” right?

11. On Wednesday, the city of St. Louis sued the NFL claiming the league violated its relocation guidelines when it allowed the Rams to move to Los Angeles. If successful, the city could force the NFL to move the Rams back to St. Louis, which seems like more of a punishment.

12. A coalition of nonprofit groups on Monday sued the Trump Administration to obtain the White House visitor logs. Although, they’re gonna be really disappointed if this a scheme to get a copy of Melania’s signature.

13. This week E! announced that Kylie Jenner is getting her own spin-off reality TV show. So, if you’ve ever wondered what a day in the life of Kylie Jenner looks like, fuck you.

14. A British DJ has been sentenced to a year in jail by Tunisian authorities for remixing a Muslim call to prayer into a club song. And say what you will, but I can get behind any country that’s intent on locking up DJs.

15. A high schooler in California turned up to his junior prom this weekend with Kylie Jenner as his date. Although, to be fair, she also went with the rest of the football team as well.

November 18, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. Housing advocacy groups have alleged that a bank controlled by Steven Mnuchin, a top candidate to be President-elect Donald Trump’s Treasury secretary, engaged in discriminatory practices against blacks and Latinos. The same discriminatory actions were also listed under ‘Accomplishments’ in the resume Mnuchin submitted to the Trump team.
 
2. A 1,500-year-old stone tablet with the earliest known chiseled inscription of the Ten Commandments was sold at auction on Wednesday for $850,000. Said the proud new owner, “If this doesn’t get my neighbor’s hot wife’s attention, nothing will.”
 
3. A&E announced that its hit TV show “Duck Dynasty” will end after five seasons. Presumably because no one on staff knows what comes after five.
 
4. In the past week, more than 20,000 people have donated to Planned Parenthood in Mike Pence’s name. He’s only in his 230th trimester, so it may not be too late.
 
5. This week, a 1,100 pound man in Mexico left his bed for the first time in a decade. That story again, a bed in Mexico broke.
 
6. According to a spokesperson, U.S. President-elect Donald Trump has spoken with nearly 30 foreign leaders since winning the election. But said he won’t make up his mind until the talent competition:universe

7. A congressionally-appointed panel on Wednesday called for the creation of a U.S. museum of women’s history, with preferred sites near Washington’s National Mall. Which finally explains why the Washington Monument looks like that.

8. Residents of a small town in Missouri are upset over a bondage club that operates right next to the local church. Yeah, you wouldn’t want the church-going kids to see images of people being tied-up and tortured:
jesus

9. According to reports, President-elect Donald Trump wants to spend his weekends at his Trump Tower apartment in New York instead of the White House. “I like that idea, in fact, if you want to spend the next four years nowhere near Washington D.C. we’d be okay with that,” said half of America.
 
10. According to reports, President-elect Donald Trump wants to spend his weekends at his Trump Tower apartment in New York instead of the White House. And also the weekdays. And also he doesn’t really want to be president.
 
11. New York’s Columbia University has suspended its men’s wrestling team as it investigates “racist, misogynistic and homophobic” text messages between team members. So let’s update the list:pad

12. According to a new poll, 75% of Americans were surprised when Donald Trump won the election. I trust those numbers, when have polls ever let us down before?

13. A 38-year-old British man set out on Sunday on a 2,000 mile swim across the Atlantic Ocean from Senegal to Brazil. Man, I really don’t understand how this Brexit thing works.

14. Formula One driver Lewis Hamilton had his pet bulldog Roscoe’s sperm frozen to ensure he can have puppies in future. And, in related news, Hamilton’s lower leg is very sore today.

15. Experts say that parents may be able to reduce the chance that their children will develop peanut allergies by introducing the food early on, as young as four to six months of age. And, worst case scenario, it’s a great way to weed out the weak ones.

16. An Australian man linked to an outlaw biker gang has been arrested after police found a gun hidden in his butt. Said the man, “I’ve been looking all over for that!”

17. In a court motion on Friday, 79-year-old comedian Bill Cosby asserted that he intends to resume his stand-up career once litigation surrounding numerous sexual assault allegations against him draws to a close. Which I assume will be a nice treat for his fellow inmates.

18. Mabel Ball, a 108-year-old Illinois woman, who was born the same year the Cubs last won a championship, died only days after the team finally recaptured the World Series this year. “At this rate, I’m gonna live forever,” said Hazel Woods, a 110-year-old Browns fan.

19. A vibrator museum, chronicling the history of the sex toy, has opened up in San Francisco. The only to get into the museum is to first take a tour through the neighboring sex museum and come away unsatisfied.

20. In an interview with “60 Minutes,” President-elect Donald Trump said he’s “fine” with same-sex marriage remaining legal across the country. An opinion I think he’ll stick to unless someone’s stupid enough to tell him that also means two guys can get married.

October 4, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. Over the weekend, NBA superstar LeBron James endorsed Hillary Clinton for president. Which makes sense, because, in the NBA, racist billionaire businessmen named Donald who are solely motivated by money, have a documented history of not renting to African Americans and are with gold-digging women way too young for them aren’t even fit to run a team, let alone a whole country:
sterling

2. Yesterday, the New York Post reported that a recently married couple in Florida have decided to remain together after discovering they are actually grandfather and granddaughter. Or, as Woody Allen refers to it, the next logical step.

3. In a recent interview, wrestling legend Ric Flair claimed that he slept with Halle Berry. Although, during his career he took a lot of metal folding to his head, so there’s a good chance it was Chuck Berry. 

4. Toyota on Monday unveiled a palm-sized robot, dubbed Kirobo Mini, designed as a synthetic baby companion in Japan, where plummeting birth rates have left many women childless. “And how do I take the batteries out of it?” asked Casey Anthony.
 
5. On Monday, Facebook launched a new feature called Marketplace that allows people to buy and sell items locally. So, now that obnoxious friend who continually posts baby pictures is either bragging about her baby or trying to sell a baby.
 
6. Campaigns to legalize recreational marijuana use in Massachusetts and Maine launched their first television ads on Monday. The ads will exclusively air at 3:15 a.m. following reruns of SpongeBob.

7. A new wearable sex toy has hit that market the vibrates in synch with audio books. Which explains why the New York Times best seller is once again “Moby Dick.”



8. A high school student in Washington asked himself to homecoming. But, because he wanted it to feel like he was actually going with someone, he specifically asked his left hand.

9. A St. Louis woman who turned 102 last week celebrated by getting arrested because it was on her bucket list. She was given a three month sentence or, in other words, a life sentence.

10. Former child-actor Melissa Joan Hart has been named the chair of Libertarian presidential candidate Gary Johnson’s Connecticut campaign. Clarissa endorsed Johnson, Scott Baio endorsed Trump, we’re just one Urkel endorsement of Hillary away from a pretty good TGIF lineup.

June 28, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. Today is Mel Brooks’ 90th birthday. Or, as it is more commonly known, Jewish Christmas, the day our messiah was born.

2. Burger King has introduced a new menu item called Mac & Cheetos which is macaroni and cheese covered in Cheetos dust and deep fried. Which, coincidentally, is what Donald Trump tells his make-up girl to do to his face every morning.

3. Roy Hodgson, English soccer’s head coach, resigned on Monday following the country’s 2-1 Euro 2016 loss to Iceland. “What a baby, resigning just because something didn’t go his way,” said David Cameron.

4. For the fifth time in the past four years the A/C unit was stolen from a black history museum in St. Louis. But, in the thief’s defense, he claims he was just emancipating it.

5. A man named Ronald McDonald was shot outside of a Sonic restaurant in North Carolina last week. Said the man, “This is my nightmare.”

6. In a new interview, comedian Chelsea Handler revealed that she had two abortions when she was 16. Back then, ‘Chelsea Lately’ refer to her period.

7. British Prime Minister David Cameron resigned after England voted to leave the European Union. “Resign? Is that even allowed?” ask Queen Elizabeth.

8. On Friday, following the Brexit vote, actress Lindsay Lohan, who has taken up residence in London for a play, sent 31 tweets in two hours panning England’s decision to leave the E.U. and close off its borders. Although, I have to believe Lindsay immigrating and living in London had something to do with that vote.

9. A businessman in Geneva plans to open a café where customers can enjoy oral sex while they sip their morning coffee. Say what you will, but they will never run out of creamer.

10. A Pennsylvania man who claimed for years to have escaped from Auschwitz, met track and field star Jesse Owens and Nazi doctor Josef Mengele, confessed on Friday that he had fabricated the entire story. Who knew Brian Williams was from Pennsylvania?

May 16, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. Paul McCartney, the Rolling Stones, Neil Young and Bob Dylan will all be part of a concert tour later this year in California called ‘Desert Trip.’ They chose that name, presumably, because ‘Antiques Roadshow’ was already taken.

2. Donald Trump said Friday that a newly resurfaced recording of a man who sounds like Trump posing as his spokesman isn’t him. Although many people suspect that the spokesman really was Trump because he said many unbelievable things like “Trump dated Madonna,” “Trump currently has three girlfriends,” and “Trump’s a pretty good guy.”

3. Susannah Mushatt Jones, the world’s oldest person, died on Friday at the age of 116. There was no need to cremate her because she was already 80% dust.

4. A flight attendant has been arrested for stealing over 1,500 mini bottles of liquor from an airplane. Or, as they appear in Donald Trump’s hands, regular sized liquor bottles.

5. Last week, a 10-year-old girl in Missouri broke the kids’ national record for the most sit-ups with 2,110 crunches. Meanwhile, I just pulled a muscle typing this.

6. Burger King recently opened a spa in one of its restaurants in Finland. It’s perfect for anyone who’s ever been in a Burger King, looked around at the clientele and thought, I’d like to be sweaty and naked in a hot room with these people.

7. It was reported last week that President Obama is following several porn stars on Twitter. Said Obama, “I am just trying to determine once and for all who Deep Throat is.”

8. Last week, Pizza Hut set a new world record for highest altitude pizza delivery after dropping off a pie at 5,897 feet on the top of Mount Kilimanjaro. And no one was more relived when Pizza Hut said they would deliver to the top of Mount Kilimanjaro than Luke, the climber the rest of the group decided looked the most delicious.

9. A man in New York’s Times Square who gives away free hugs was arrested over the weekend for punching a man in the face. He punched him instead of hugging him, or, as Chris Brown thinks of it, “What’s the difference?”

10. Last week, a woman drove her car into a lake because she was following the directions provided by her GPS. But, in the GPS’s defense, she did ask for directions to Chappaquiddick.

April 28, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. This week, Republican frontrunner Donald Trump insulted rival John Kasich’s eating habits, saying he needs to learn to take “little bites.” Which is easy for Trump to say because his tiny little hands can’t pick up nearly enough food to fill his gigantic mouth.

2. Last week, 29-year-old Jonathan Nicola was arrested for pretending to be a 17-year-old high school basketball players, but the Sudanese immigrant claims he wasn’t lying about his age but instead just didn’t know how old he was. “That’s novel, I never thought to argue that I didn’t know who old I was,” said Jared from Subway.

3. Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz on Wednesday named former business executive Carly Fiorina as his vice presidential running mate. They always say “behind every great man is a great woman,” that doesn’t apply here, I just like that saying.

4. Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz on Wednesday named former business executive Carly Fiorina as his vice presidential running mate should he win the nomination come July. Word of advice to Carly, maybe don’t clear your schedule just yet.

5. According to a new study, people with several plants around their house tend to live longer. Begging the question, does Larry King live in the rainforest?

6. According to a new study, just 37% of U.S high school seniors are adequately prepared for college-level courses in math and reading. Said those under-performing students, “But, on the plus-side, that means 86% are prepared.”

7. On Tuesday, Democratic presidential candidate Bernie Sanders said it’s absurd for reporters to keep asking him when he plans on dropping out of the race. Said reporters, “If that’s the case, then we’re out of questions.”

8. According to a new poll, more than half of American voters believe that the system political parties use to pick their candidates for the White House is “rigged.” While the other half wish it were rigged better:
Hillary Trump

9. The day after hard-partying and currently unemployed quarterback Johnny Manziel was indicted for allegedly assaulting his ex-girlfriend, he traveled to Cleveland to attend a Justin Bieber concert. So, I think it’s safe to say, he’s finally hit rock bottom.

10. A nine-year-old Missouri boy has set up a lemonade stand to fund his own adoption. Even sadder, his parents helped him set it up.

April 13, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. BuzzFeed fell a stunning $80 million short of projected revenues last year and has reportedly slashed its projections for 2016 in half. Which explains the article featured on their homepage today entitled “10 BuzzFeed employees that need to start looking for a new job.”

2. Tulane University’s Kappa Alpha fraternity has built a sandbag wall around it’s house with the words “Make America Great Again” and “Trump” spray-painted on it. So, I think for once, I’ll be rooting for the hurricane.

3. In a recent interview, actress Scarlett Johansson hinted that her marriage to fellow actor Ryan Reynolds ended because they were too competitive. Scarlett, I saw “The Green Lantern,” you won.

4. Authorities are offering a reward of up to $25,000 for information leading to the recovery of Andy Warhol paintings stolen from a Missouri museum last week. There were two witnesses, unfortunately they aren’t talking:
american gothic

5. CBS and Turner Broadcasting have signed an $8.8 billion, eight-year extension of their agreement to broadcast the NCAA’s Division 1 Men’s Basketball Championship. I know that seems like a lot but you have to remember that figure is before the college athletes take their $0 cut.

6. A New York playwright filed a lawsuit on Monday claiming $20 million in damages and seeking to block Friday’s opening in movie theaters of “Barbershop: The Next Cut,” that he claims rips off his stage play “Scissors.” And the playwright might have a point because his play sucks too.

7. According to an official consultation, the U.K. government is concerned that increasing numbers of young people are trying anal sex. “I don’t care how many people are trying it, the answer is still no,” said the government’s girlfriend.

8. A 52-year-old Canadian man who is married, with seven kids, has left his family to live his life as a transgender six-year-old girl. His wife broke the news gently to their children saying, “Kids, you’re father’s died.”

9. This week, 90-year-old Elena Griffing celebrated her 70th year working for the same San Francisco Bay Area hospital and said she has no plans of retiring anytime soon. Those that know her call her “an inspiration” while Prince Charles calls her “a selfish old bitch.”

10. Italian cyclist Mattia Gavazzi could face a lifetime ban after he tested positive for cocaine for the third time in his career. Officials became suspicious that Gavazzi could be using again when he won a race and he wasn’t on a bike.