Tag Archives: Heisman

December 1, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

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1. Parents are outraged at a Beijing kindergarten over charges that their children were fed pills, jabbed with needles and forced to strip. But, in the school’s defense, those iPhones weren’t gonna make themselves.

2. An expectant Arkansas couple who love Olive Garden plan to name their child, due in December, Olivia Garton. They named their first son Fuddruckers, not because they like that restaurant, but because they fucking hate that kid.

3. A United Airlines flight arriving from Germany was forced to land with four blown tires Sunday at Newark Liberty International Airport. Oh my god, what a nightmare, can you imagine having to land in New Jersey.

4. Dictionary.com has chosen ‘complicit’ as 2017’s word of the year. The website went with ‘complicit’ because apparently ‘MotherFuckingShitHowIsAnyOfThisReal’ isn’t a word.

5. This week, First Lady Melania Trump decorated the White House for the holidays:

6. A Bosnian war criminal died in a courtroom on Wednesday after drinking poison upon hearing that his 20-year jail term had been upheld. Said the judge, “Oops, wait, I meant not guilty.”

7. 92-year-old actress Angela Lansbury is facing criticism after saying women “must sometimes take blame” for sexual harassment because of the way they dress. Say what you will, but it is refreshing to hear a 92-year-old not blame something on ‘the Orientals.’

8. Bernie Sanders has been nominated for a Grammy for best audiobook. Thus marking the first time Phil Spector won’t have the most messed up hair in the room:

9. On Wednesday, NBC News fired longtime ‘Today Show’ host Matt Lauer for “inappropriate sexual behavior.” Which should make the next “Where in the World is Matt Lauer” bit pretty easy:

10. According to a new study, people with OCD are less likely to go to college compared with peers who don’t have the disorder. Which explains why Michigan State’s new major “Doorknob Touching” is so under-subscribed.

11. Viagra can now be bought over-the-counter, without a prescription in Britain. “Ah, fuck,” said Queen Elizabeth:

12. White House press secretary Sarah Sanders defended President Trump’s decision to retweet a series of anti-Muslim videos on Wednesday morning, telling reporters that it doesn’t matter if the videos are real, he circulated them to start a conversation. That conversation: What the fuck is wrong with our president?

13. According to a new study, being married may reduce your risk of developing dementia. That incredible study again, President Trump could be worse.

14. A new study found that a dermatologist was just as accurate in diagnosing children’s skin conditions from smartphone photos taken by parents as the doctors who saw the kids in person. “But only pictures taken by parents?” asked Anthony Weiner.

15. A judge on Tuesday sided with President Trump in a legal battle over who should be in charge of the U.S. consumer finance watchdog. The ruling was historic, not because the issue was novel, but because Trump actually won in court.

16. Stanford running-back and Heisman contender Bryce Love says he wants to be a pediatrician. “That’s two things we have in common,” said college football coach Jerry Sandusky.

17. On Thursday, Republican Congressman Joe Barton of Texas said he will not seek re-election after a nude picture of him appeared on the internet earlier this month. If that’s what it takes to get someone to not run for re-election, it’s not worth it:

18. A South African beauty who helps train women in self-defense was crowned Miss Universe on Sunday. For the talent portion of the contest, she single-handedly kept Donald Trump out of the dressing room.

October 27, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

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1. On Monday, the World Health Organization said that eating processed meats like sausage or bacon can lead to bowel cancer in humans. The WHO then went on to say that Santa isn’t real, there’s no such thing as love and you were adopted.

2. A judge in Indiana has ruled that it is legal to take selfies while voting. So good luck explaining to people over 60 what selfies are and people under 30 what voting is.

3. Former Heisman Trophy winner Eddie George will star in “Chicago” for seven weeks on Broadway. Although, if you were casting a Heisman-winning running back to star in a play about murdering their significant other after catching them in bed with someone else, George wouldn’t have been my first call.

4. Comedian Jimmy Morales has been elected president of Guatemala. “So you’re telling me there’s still a chance,” said Rick Perry.

5. The San Diego Chargers announced plans to move to Los Angeles. I think we all know how this ends, the Chargers move out there with big plans of becoming famous and within two years they end up waiting tables and doing porn.

6. After seeing his number dip in a recent poll in Iowa, Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump told CNN that he is going to need “to work a little bit harder in Iowa.” Because, as everyone knows, the only solution to people not liking Donald Trump is more Donald Trump. We’re only a few weeks away from Iowa taking out a restraining order against him.

7. Authorities have discovered a massive underground, drug-smuggling tunnel that stretches the length of eight football fields, from Tijuana to San Diego. No word on who exactly found the tunnel, but you can be sure it wasn’t the San Diego Chargers as they can’t go the length of even one football field.

8. Scientists in Utah have discovered one of the most complete skeletons of a turtle from the age of the dinosaurs that has a nose that resembles the snout of a pig. Turns out Miss Piggy will fuck just about any amphibian.

9. According to experts, if oil stays around $50 a barrel, most countries in the Middle East, like Saudi Arabia, Iraq and Iran, will run out of cash within the next five years. “We’ll save you the trouble and tell you right now there are problems with your loan applications,” said Israel.

10. In a recent interview with CNN, Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump said he would ‘absolutely’ be a force for bipartisanship. He knows irrationally attacking both Democrats and Republicans doesn’t make him bipartisan, right?

September 3, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

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1. Yesterday, ABC unveiled the full cast of the next season of “Dancing with the Stars,” which will include actor Gary Busey and horse-jockey Victor Espinoza. Espinoza said he knows the show will be a challenge, especially, after seeing Busey’s teeth, resisting the temptation to ride him.

2. Yesterday, ABC unveiled the full cast of the next season of “Dancing with the Stars,” which will include singer Chaka Kahn and celebrity chef Paula Deen. So, for once, Deen’s habit of calling every black woman ‘Chaka Khan’ won’t get her in trouble.

3. On Saturday, Robin Deakin, dubbed “Britain’s Worst Boxer,” won his first fight in 9 years after suffering 51 straight losses. Or, at least, that’s what they told him happened after he regained consciousness.

4. The head of Britain’s national sperm bank urged men to prove their manhood and help ease a shortage after the center signed up just nine registered donors this year. Did those guys sign up before or after they donated because I need to know whether I should bring my own pen.

5. On Wednesday, presidential candidate Donald Trump took a jab at Jeb Bush’s habit of answering questions in Spanish by saying he should speak English while in the United States. Which has to be the first time in history that anyone has ever told a guy named Jeb that he needs to speak English.

6. Yesterday, the New York Times reported that the script of the upcoming movie “Concussion,” about football-related brain injuries, was revised to avoid angering the NFL. “You can revise a script?” said the writer of ‘Pixels.’

7. Los Angeles authorities have charged 56-year-old Lewis Eugene Stark Jr. in connection with the theft of the University of Southern California’s copy of O.J. Simpson’s Heisman Trophy more than 20 years ago. Said O.J., “You can be charged with a crime that happened 20 years ago!?! Shit!”

8. Five hungry polar bears have surrounded a team of unarmed researchers at a remote outpost in northern Russia. Said the researchers, “On second thought, we are in favor of global warming.”

9. On Wednesday, the South African city of Durban was selected as the host of the 2022 Commonwealth Games. Because, apparently, the city of Durban and the Commonwealth Games are things that exist.

10. According to People Magazine, fresh off his break-up with Miss Piggy, Kermit the Frog is now dating another pig named Denise. Said the reporter who broke the story, “I’ve wasted my life.”

December 15, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

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1. According to reports, last week Pope Francis reportedly told a little boy who was grieving over the death of his dog, not to worry because pets too can go to heaven. So congratulations, you’re halfway there, gay dogs.

2. Last night, Los Angeles Laker Kobe Bryant passed Michael Jordan to become third on the NBA’s list of all-time leading scorers. It marked the first time Kobe passed anything.

3. On Saturday night, Oregon’s Marcus Mariota won the 78th annual Heisman Trophy award. Congratulations Marcus, that’s something they can never take away from you, unless you murder your wife and her lover in a mansion in Brentwood.

4. Two of the three inmates who escaped from an Alabama jail over the weekend are now back in custody, but the third, a murder suspect, remains on the lam. Officials do not have high hopes of capturing the third escapee as an alleged murderer will blend in quite nicely with the general population of Alabama.

5. On Sunday in London, Miss South Africa Relene Strauss was crowned Miss World over runner-ups Miss Hungary Edina Kuksar and Elizabeth Safrit from the United States. Although there was an awkward moment when they announced Miss Hungary as the first runner-up and the representatives from all the African countries stepped forward.

6. On Sunday, BC Partners Ltd bought pet supply retailer PetSmart for $8.7 billion. To prevent any unauthorized future spin-offs, BC Partners immediately got PetSmart neutered.

7. Several proposed new gun laws await the new, Republican-dominated Texas legislature when it opens next month, including one to allow open carrying of handguns in public and another providing a sales tax holiday for firearm purchases. Said Texans, “Next month? But I want to be irresponsible with my gun now!”

8. Over the weekend, an early version of the next James Bond movie “SPECTRE” was made public by the people who hacked into Sony Picture. Which is a shame, because the only other way to learn the basic plot of that movie would be to watch literally any other Bond film ever made.

9. A Mississippi pastor brought a horse in a wedding dress to stand with him outside a federal courthouse on Friday in Jackson to protest a judge’s ruling that would overturn the state’s ban on gay marriage. Although, I just feel bad for the guy who is married to a woman whose wedding dress apparently also fits a horse.

10. A Mississippi pastor brought a horse in a wedding dress to stand with him outside a federal courthouse on Friday in Jackson to protest a judge’s ruling that would overturn the state’s ban on gay marriage. “Brings back fond memories of my wedding day,” said Matthew Broderick.

September 18, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

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1. Yesterday, Phoenix police arrested Arizona Cardinals running back Jonathan Dwyer in connection with two alleged incidents of aggravated assault. “That’s because he didn’t have any discipline growing up,” said Adrian Peterson.

2. According to court papers filed on Monday, singer Robin Thicke said he was high on painkillers and alcohol in 2013 when “Blurred Lines” became a hit. Which makes sense considering his follow-up song was “Blurred Everything.”

3. Vice President Joe Biden said on Wednesday his use of the term “Shylock,” which some consider anti-Semitic, was “a poor choice of words.” Also a poor choice of words, everything Joe Biden says everywhere, all the time.

4. On Wednesday, the House of Representatives approved President Obama’s plan to fight ISIS by training and arming moderate Syrian rebels. Or, as they will be known in a few years, extreme Syrian rebels.

5. On Wednesday, three U.S. Senators called for the resignation of District Court Judge Mark Fuller over accusations that he beat his wife in an Atlanta hotel room last month. “Oh, in the hotel room, smart,” said Ray Rice.

6. According to a new study, eating a diet high in salt may increase the risk of rheumatoid arthritis among smokers. Because if there’s one thing we know about smokers it’s they take their health very seriously.

7. On Wednesday, the Minnesota Vikings announced that they had placed star running-back Adrian Peterson on the NFL exempt list, suspending him from all team activities until his child-abuse case is resolved. “Oh great, more time at home,” said his kids.

8. Florida State University benched Heisman Trophy-winning quarterback Jameis Winston on Wednesday for the first half of Saturday’s game against Clemson after he shouted obscenities in the student union. But, on the plus side, he’s gonna get an A in his public speaking class.

9. A gay marriage advocate, a physicist modeling brain activity, a psychologist studying racial bias in policing and a cartoonist exploring family life were among the winners of the 21 MacArthur “genius” grants. Experts expect these grants to lead to many scientific breakthroughs and one hilarious Kanye West rant.

10. Website Netropolitan, which bills itself as Facebook for the rich, launched yesterday and with users paying $9,000 to join and $3,000 a year in dues. “Would you accept an IOU?” said Tom from MySpace.

May 16, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

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1. The hotel where Jay-Z had an alleged altercation with Beyonce’s sister Solange Knowles says it has fired the person who leaked the tape to the media. Whereupon he was immediately hired as Solange’s PR guy.

2. At the Children’s Book Week Gala in New York Wednesday night, Rush Limbaugh took home the award for author of the year. Proving what I’ve said all along, kids are morons.

3. At the Children’s Book Week Gala in New York Wednesday night, Rush Limbaugh took home the award for author of the year. It’s good to see Limbaugh finally getting the recognition he deserves from his intellectual peers.

4. On Thursday, Kentucky Derby winner California Chrome was treated for a cough and a blister. Which means a horse has better health insurance than I do.

5. According to a new study, U.S. children are consuming more than 10 pounds of sugar annually if they eat a typical morning bowl of cereal each day. As a result, Life cereal has been forced to change its name to “Life?”

6. A 31-year-old woman has been arrested after spending several months posing as a teenage student at a private Texas high school. The woman was able to pull of the con for so long because being a chain-smoking sophomore with two children is commonplace in Texas.

7. A 31-year-old woman has been arrested after spending several months posing as a teenage student at a private Texas high school. School officials became suspicious when they looked at her.

8. The Vatican said on Thursday that Pope Francis is shunning bulletproof vehicles during his trip to the Middle East this month, insisting he use a normal car and be allowed to be as close to people as possible. Said the Pope, “It’s not like I’m going to Detroit.”

9. Experts in London are now claiming that peeing on a jellyfish sting does nothing to alleviate the pain. But it is still a pretty effective way to take your mind of getting stung by a jellyfish.

10. A new app called “What’s Applebee’s” lets users connect to fellow Applebee’s fans. It’s a great service that allows users to skip the hassle of driving all the way down to the unemployment office and striking up conversations.

11. A new study that looked at brain scans suggests smoking while pregnant may be linked to less control over inhibitions when the child is an adult. “I’ll have a carton of Marlboro Reds,” said 23-year-old Dina Lohan.

12. Maryland Governor Martin O’Malley on Thursday signed into law a bill banning discrimination against transgender people. As a result, the Washington Redskins have finally agreed to change their name to the Washington Bruce Jenners.

13. On Wednesday, TBS announced that Conan O’Brien will continue to host his late-night talk show through 2018. “So, come 2019, you’re telling me there’s a chance,” said Jay Leno.

14. New Jersey Governor Chris Christie’s spokesman testified on Tuesday that he was misled by fellow officials about the purpose of a major traffic disruption apparently used to retaliate against a political foe. And, it should be noted that Christie is forced to use a spokesman quite often as his own mouth is usually full.

15. According to a new study, college freshmen were more likely to get behind the wheel after smoking marijuana than drinking alcohol. So if you thought it was hard to remember where you parked before.

16. Target and Doritos have teamed up to market the walking taco, which is the result of pouring ground beef and cheese into a bag of crushed Doritos before eating it directly out of the bag. They thought about naming it the running taco, but, let’s be honest, the type of person who would be interested in eating this type of thing isn’t running anywhere anytime soon.

17. According to reports, Apple will unveil the next incarnation of its iPhone in August, on month earlier than industry watchers were expecting. “Ah, fuck,” said the entire workforce of China.

18. Three University of Oregon players who were accused of rape have been dropped from the team despite a decision by prosecutors not to charge them criminally. But, on the plus side, they’re now the front-runners for the 2014 Heisman Trophy.

May 1, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

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1. Late Tuesday night, Florida State quarterback and reigning Heisman Trophy winner Jameis Winston was issued a citation for shoplifting crab legs from a grocery store. This incident is not the first time, nor will it be the last, that an FSU student made a questionable decision and ended up with crabs.

2. In a bid to attract a younger audience, the Colorado Symphony Orchestra is staging a summer classic-music series in Denver where the audience will be encouraged to smoke marijuana while listening to the performance. Organizers expect it to be a lot like Coachella, only awful.

3. Later this year, a Pizza Hut ad will air on the streaming online video service Hulu that will allow viewers to order a pizza within the ad. And, if they can somehow figure out a way to incorporate pornography into that equation, Americans will never have to use any other website, ever.

4. On the heels of George Clooney’s engagement, British papers are reporting that Prince Harry has broken up with his girlfriend of two years, Cressida Bonas. “And I’m back in the game,” said delusional women everywhere.

5. Media mogul Oprah Winfrey has emerged as a potential interested buyer of the Los Angeles Clippers if current owner Donald Sterling is forced to sell. Seems like a good fit considering no one even wants to take an Instagram photo with Stedman.

6. On Wednesday, Senators Barbara Boxer and Mark Warner questioned the TSA’s ability to keep travelers safe and prevent terrorist attacks. As a result, the senators should get used to hearing the phrase “Mrs. Boxer/ Mr. Warner, you’ve been randomly selected for additional screening.”

7. Yesterday, Turnberry, the iconic golf course that occasionally hosts the British Open, was sold to American businessman Donald Trump. It seems like a perfect match, one is an ever-tiresome endeavor that physically and mentally takes a toll on anyone who challenges it and only gets more entertaining in a heavy wind and the other is Turnberry.

8. A Canadian man named George Popadick was arrested yesterday for indecent exposure. Said the man’s parents, “He’s an embarrassment to the Popadick family name.”

9. North Korea conducted a live-fire drill Tuesday near its disputed western sea border with the South. The drill lasted about 15 minutes with no shells landing in South Korean waters. Said North Korea, “I’m not touching you. I’m not touching you. I’m not touching you…”

10. The European Union named another 15 people Tuesday who will face sanctions over the crisis in Ukraine, including Russian Deputy Prime Minister Dmitry Kozak and military chief Ludmila Shvetsova. The E.U. only releases a few names at a time because eventually they run out of consonants.

December 31, 2013 – Monologue Jokes

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1. The U.S. Coast Guard is searching off the coast of Puerto Rico for a Canadian who witnesses say jumped off a cruise ship Saturday night. The Royal Canadian Mounted Police are also aiding in the search, but the horses are not strong swimmers.

2. On Monday it was announced that former Heisman Trophy winner Tim Tebow has agreed to a multiyear deal to join ESPN as an analyst. It is a position that the charismatic quarterback will undoubtedly thrive in, that is until Peyton Manning retires and puts him out a job once again.

3. “Good Morning America” anchor Robin Roberts revealed yesterday that she is gay. Not to be outdone, Kathie Lee and Hoda totally lez-ed out on-air.

4. Health official Michelle Snyder, who oversaw the building of the troubled Obamacare website, is retiring from her job. “Wait, is that an option?” said President Obama.

5. Women over 75 who learned more about the pros and cons of mammogram screenings from their doctors were less likely to go through with the test according to a new study. Although it seems very unprofessional that under “cons” doctors listed “having to look at those puppies.”

6. Australian researchers report, women who were initially exposed to images of surgically modified female genitalia were more likely to consider them “normal” when later comparing them to natural genitalia. You can read all about it this month’s “What the Fuck was the Point of this Study? Quarterly.”

7. Health official Michelle Snyder, who oversaw the building of the troubled Obamacare website, is retiring from her job. “Those are gonna be some hard shoes to fill,” said a guy unfamiliar with that saying.

8. U.S. aviation officials took steps towards opening the skies to drones, authorizing six sites where unmanned aircrafts can be tested for a variety of uses. And, if one of those uses is surveillance, hopefully one of those sites is over my ex-girlfriend’s house.

9. On Monday, Walgreens said it will provide a month’s supply of certain prescriptions at no upfront cost to U.S. participants who have not yet received a plan ID number under Obamacare. “Oh, I think I feel my glaucoma acting up,” said millions of liars.

10. According to a new analysis, more than half of U.S. minority patients are cared for by doctors who are also minorities. So maybe now you understand our concerns with affirmative action.

December 6, 2013 – Monologue Jokes

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1. It has been reported that embattled Toronto Mayor Rob Ford initially tried to buy the infamous video that showed him doing crack cocaine. Ford eventually decided not to buy the “crack video” when he heard the word “video.”

2. Cultural icon Nelson Mandela died yesterday in South Africa at the age of 95. Man, even in death, Paul Walker gets second-billing.

3. On Thursday, Ford unveiled a global redesign of its Mustang sports car. “It looks great,” said every newly-divorced 50-year-old man.

4. This week President Obama refused to endorse a democratic candidate for the 2016, saying both Hillary Clinton and Joe Biden would make outstanding presidents. But, to be fair, he also thought he’d be good at the job.

5. Twitter is attempting to make its messaging service available to users in emerging nations who have entry level mobile phones which cannot access the internet. The biggest question is what users will do with the remaining 124 characters after they tweet “Please send food.”

6. According to a new study, women who were exposed to air pollution during pregnancy tended to give birth to slightly lighter babies. So, Chris Christie wasn’t born in New Jersey?

7. Yesterday, prosecutors in the state of Florida announced, Florida State footballer Jameis Winston, quarterback for the number one team in the nation, will not be charged with sexual assault. Apparently, prosecutors believed Winston’s story that he thought the accuser was a fan who was not pushing him away, but rather just striking the Heisman pose.

8. A new study says exercise boosts creativity. I don’t know about that, because if Richard Simmons is so creative, why would he go with that persona.

9. In an interview with Fusion TV, former President Bill Clinton said he “never denied” smoking marijuana. Clinton added, “I have always been truthful about what I’ve done when I had a joint in my hand, now as for cigars … ”

10. Scientists have discovered that insects can recognize faces. So they’re gonna be pretty pissed when they find out that they all look alike to us.