January 20, 2020 – Monologue Jokes

1. Madame Tussauds waxwork museum in London announced last week that it had removed figures of Prince Harry and Meghan Markle from their royal exhibit. The last time a room full of royals cleared out that quickly the Queen ripped a mean one. 

2. Actress Gwyneth Paltrow is selling a candle that she claims smells like her vagina. And if you purchase that candle you can expect to hear a lot of questions like ‘Why did you buy this?’ and ‘How did this happen?’ and ‘Are you cooking fish?’ 

3. Boxer Tyson Fury revealed this week that he has been preparing for an upcoming fight by masturbating seven times a day. So, yeah, that’s not a spit bucket. 

4. Boxer Tyson Fury revealed this week that he has been preparing for an upcoming fight by masturbating seven times a day. Begging the question, who is my thirteen-year-old nephew training to fight? 

5. Five California mountain lions were seen together on home surveillance video this week. It’s the most disturbing grouping of large cats since:

6. A German Shepherd in North Carolina gave birth to a green puppy last week. “I know what you’re thinking,” said the family’s pet turtle. 

7. Chris Beart, the rapper who cut off his own penis before jumping off a two-story building in 2014, recently got married. Said the groomsman who disapproved of the marriage, “This is going to be the second worst decision you’ve ever made.”

8. A new study found no strong evidence linking baby powder to ovarian cancer. Great news for LeBron James’ ovaries:

9. Prince Harry and Meghan Markle announced last week that they will be “stepping back” from their role as royals, moving to America, and “will work to become financially independent.” That story again, Harry will be answering to a new King:

10. Last week, a Florida man pled guilty to a trafficking scheme in which live water monitor lizards were concealed inside electronic equipment and smuggled from the Philippines into the U.S. Which explains why my fax machine just ate my cat.

11. Police in Florida are seeking help locating a burglar who broke into a house and told the owners he was “there to suck toes.” That story again, Quentin Tarantino is apparently scouting filming locations in Florida.

12. Scientists recently conducted a study in which they put 3D glasses on cuttlefish and showed them film clips. The study found that if you put 3D glasses on cuttlefish for a long enough period you’ll lose your job as a scientist.

13. Last week, Georgia authorities say a man broke into a Taco Bell restaurant, prepared food, and took a nap inside. The man made a meal and took a nap or, as President Trump refers to it, a full workday.

14. According to a new study, older people who frequent art galleries and museums and attend the theater may live longer than those who don’t. “Strongly disagree?” said the ghost of Lincoln.

15. It was revealed this week that the New York Public Library’s most checked-out book of all time is the children’s book “The Snowy Day.” While the Library’s least checked-out book, “The Erotic Tales of Wilford Brimley.”

16. Monday night, the LSU Tigers beat the Clemson Tigers 42-25 to win the college football National Championship. It’s the first time a tiger beat itself since:

17. According to a new study, Mars is losing water quicker than expected. That story again, Mars is still more inhabitable than Flint, Michigan.

18. On Monday, the Cleveland Browns named Kevin Stefanski their new head coach because, I assume, he was the last one to say ‘Not it.’

19. A Florida woman was arrested this week for building a bomb in a Walmart from items she found in the store. So, just one item?:

20. Last week, a man asked a court to grant his motion for trial by combat so he can meet his ex-wife and her attorney “on the field of battle.” “Hey at least I asked the court ahead of time this time,” said O.J.

June 14, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. Today is President Trump’s 71st birthday. But, since Putin already got him the election, he just sent a card.

2. Today is President Trump’s 71st birthday. That story again, Donald Trump was born 71 years ago today just in case there are any time travelers out there who were wondering.

3. Today is President Trump’s 71st birthday. “Getting closer,” said Melania:

4. According to reports, Russian hackers infiltrated voter databases in 39 states during the 2016 presidential election. Which means, in the run up to the election, even the Russians visited more states than Hillary.

5. A self-proclaimed psychic tricked a 23-year-old grad student into paying her $2,500 to lift a curse from her family. But, in the student’s defense, $2,500 to get rid of Eric is a pretty sweet deal:

6. On Tuesday, the Clemson Tigers visited the White House four months after winning the college football championship. I’m not sure why it took four months for them to visit the White House, but, if history is any guide, I’d guess because they’re married to the president:

7. Despite losing, LeBron James became the first player in NBA history to average a triple-double in the Finals. Not to be outdone, his teammates somehow managed to become the first player to average negative points.

8. Despite saying privacy was important to them, 98% of college students polled gladly gave up their friend’s contact information in exchange for free pizza. So, hey friends, get ready for some creepy late night texts:

9. Vietnam vet James McCloughan will be the first person awarded the Medal of Honor by President Trump. Unless of course Trump’s bone spurs act up again.

10. Actor Alec Baldwin made an appearance Monday at the opening of the controversial staging of ‘Julius Caesar’ at New York’s Shakespeare in the Park. Not to be outdone, brother Stephen Baldwin made an appearance at the opening of an Orange Julius in Reseda.

July 12, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. Last week Virginia introduced a law that makes it illegal for 12-year-old girls to get married. While 12-year-old girls will still be required to get married in West Virginia.

2. A house in Seattle that was declared to dangerous to even enter sold for $427,000 after an intense bidding war. “We’ve been sitting on a goldmine,” said the entire city of Detroit.

3. Over the weekend, “Duck Dynasty” star Phil Robertson linked gay marriage to mass murder in a speech to conservatives. “You could have just RSVP’d ‘No’,” said Lance Bass and his fiancee.

4. 18-year-old Vashti Cunningham clinched a Olympic berth in track and field last week becoming the youngest U.S. Olympian since 1980. “It’s so much harder when they run fast,” said Jared Fogel.

5. In a recent interview with ‘Vanity Fair,’ actress Lindsay Lohan said she is writing a book. The working title is “The Girl with the Lower Back Dragon Tattoo.”

6. During the award ceremony at the conclusion of the U.S. Women’s Open golf tournament on Sunday, USGA president Diana Murphy repeatedly and incorrectly referred to winner Brittany Lang as ‘Bethany.’ The last time someone in golf mistakenly called a woman by the wrong name it resulted in Elin chasing Tiger around the house with a 9 iron.

7. Yesterday was the United Nation’s World Population Day, with this year’s focus being on issues facing teenage girls around the world. Issues like access to education, equal pay and why Becky’s being such a bitch.

8. On Monday, Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump said, if need be, he will personally fix the Department of Veteran Affairs to prevent any future mishaps. And, in exchange, hopefully VA hospitals will fix Trump to prevent any future mishaps:
trumps

9. According to a new study, in school cafeterias with banners depicting vegetables as superheroes, more young children took veggies from the salad bar. Which may explain why most Chinese lunchrooms have banners of Underdog.

10. 5-star wide receiver recruit Tee Higgins announced his decision to play football at Clemson University in a video via an elaborate fireworks display. Jason Pierre Paul gave the video his highest rating, one and a half thumbs up.

September 26, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. Two people are suing Madison Square Garden for allegedly over-serving them at a recent Billy Joel concert. When he heard the news, Joel, out of habit, exclaimed, “I wasn’t the one driving, I swear!”

2. A 6.2 magnitude earthquake hit northwest of Anchorage early Thursday morning. Scientists believe it was the result of “seismic shifts in the Earth’s tectonic plates,” while former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin blames it on “the gays.”

3. Ferguson, Missouri Police Chief Thomas Jackson told CNN that, despite calls to do so, he has no intention of resigning. But, if for whatever reason, you do happen to lose your job, maybe leave “Ferguson Police Chief” off your resume.

4. The chief of the Osage Nation Native American tribe has asked all tribal members not to use FedEx, a major sponsor of the Washington Redskins, until the team changes its name. “It’s the right thing to do,” said Chief Sponsored By UPS.

5. The singer-songwriter formerly known as Cat Stevens has cancelled an upcoming show in New York City because scalpers have driven up prices. Which is a really clever way of saying no one bought tickets.

6. Authorities in Idaho are seeking a truck driver who held 37,000 pounds of frozen chicken for ransom demanding money for expenses before eventually letting it rot at a Montana truck stop. “Just how rotten are we talking about here?” said Taco Bell.

7. On the second season premiere of MTV’s show “Faking It,” a character was revealed to be intersex, a person who is born with both male and female chromosomes. “Looks like my competition for best actor/actress just heated up,” said Bruce Jenner.

8. President Obama has drawn criticism for a video that shows him saluting a Marine using a hand that was also holding a cup of coffee. Even worse, Barack wasn’t saluting the Marine, he was asking for a refill.

9. According to a recent poll, more than half of Americans said “yes” when asked if brands should drop their sponsorship deals with the NFL over its mishandling of players accused of domestic violence. Which I can only assume means that “Why the fuck should I care” counted as a “yes” vote.

10. A woman in the U.K., paralyzed from the waist down, regained her ability to walk after getting breast implants. “Oh, she can walk now, I didn’t even notice,” said men.

11. Mexican President Enrique Pena Nieto said on Monday that he hopes the U.S. Congress will soon pass immigration reform. It’s not a good sign when even the president of Mexico wants out.

12. On Monday, the Walt Disney Company said the stage version of “the Lion King” has generated the highest total box office of any production in any entertainment medium in history. Said Simba, “I just wish my dad was around to see my success.”

13. On Monday, a Virginia preschool teacher was arrested and charged with assault and battery after she allegedly punished a 13-month-old boy by biting his shoulder. “No you’re doing it all wrong,” said Mary Kay Letourneau.

14. On Tuesday, HBO confirmed that actors Colin Farrell and Vince Vaughn will star in the second season of the critically-acclaimed “True Detective” series. No word on what Matthew McConaughy and Woody Harrelson think of the casting, but they’ll probably be so high when it airs they won’t even realize it’s not them.

15. On Friday, Mama June and Sugar Bear from the hit TLC reality show “Here Comes Honey Boo Boo,” revealed that they are separating. They said they just grew apart, which I took to literally mean that they kept getting fatter.

16. Clemson University suspended a mandatory online course that asked students about their sex lives following a backlash from the school community. The final straw occurred when a professor, upon learning of one girl’s minimal sexual experience, said he’d “give her an F.”

17. A leading lawmaker said on Sunday, women of the Senate have taken notice and will speak up about how the NFL has handled domestic abuse cases. Although, to be fair, women speaking up is what got the NFL into this mess to begin with.

18. According to zoo officials, the groundhog that squirmed out of New York Mayor Bill de Blasio’s hands and fell to the floor during this year’s Groundhog Day celebration, died on Thursday. Now, I’m no meteorologist, but that can’t be a good sign.

19. A 26-year-old Connecticut man was in police custody on Tuesday after showing up to a probation meeting driving a car that police say he stole from a woman in a supermarket parking lot and later may have used to rob a bank. Said the man, “But at least I was on time for my probation meeting.”

20. Thai Prime Minister General Prayuth Chan-ocha admitted on Tuesday to turning to fortune tellers for work-related advice. Said Vice President Joe Biden, “That’s an insult to people like me, who hold positions of power, and my magic eight ball.”

21. According to an investigative report, young people in rural Pennsylvania can buy heroin more easily than a bottle of wine. Which may explain why the Amish think the beard with no mustache is a good look.

September 18, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. Yesterday, Phoenix police arrested Arizona Cardinals running back Jonathan Dwyer in connection with two alleged incidents of aggravated assault. “That’s because he didn’t have any discipline growing up,” said Adrian Peterson.

2. According to court papers filed on Monday, singer Robin Thicke said he was high on painkillers and alcohol in 2013 when “Blurred Lines” became a hit. Which makes sense considering his follow-up song was “Blurred Everything.”

3. Vice President Joe Biden said on Wednesday his use of the term “Shylock,” which some consider anti-Semitic, was “a poor choice of words.” Also a poor choice of words, everything Joe Biden says everywhere, all the time.

4. On Wednesday, the House of Representatives approved President Obama’s plan to fight ISIS by training and arming moderate Syrian rebels. Or, as they will be known in a few years, extreme Syrian rebels.

5. On Wednesday, three U.S. Senators called for the resignation of District Court Judge Mark Fuller over accusations that he beat his wife in an Atlanta hotel room last month. “Oh, in the hotel room, smart,” said Ray Rice.

6. According to a new study, eating a diet high in salt may increase the risk of rheumatoid arthritis among smokers. Because if there’s one thing we know about smokers it’s they take their health very seriously.

7. On Wednesday, the Minnesota Vikings announced that they had placed star running-back Adrian Peterson on the NFL exempt list, suspending him from all team activities until his child-abuse case is resolved. “Oh great, more time at home,” said his kids.

8. Florida State University benched Heisman Trophy-winning quarterback Jameis Winston on Wednesday for the first half of Saturday’s game against Clemson after he shouted obscenities in the student union. But, on the plus side, he’s gonna get an A in his public speaking class.

9. A gay marriage advocate, a physicist modeling brain activity, a psychologist studying racial bias in policing and a cartoonist exploring family life were among the winners of the 21 MacArthur “genius” grants. Experts expect these grants to lead to many scientific breakthroughs and one hilarious Kanye West rant.

10. Website Netropolitan, which bills itself as Facebook for the rich, launched yesterday and with users paying $9,000 to join and $3,000 a year in dues. “Would you accept an IOU?” said Tom from MySpace.