1. On Monday, the World Health Organization said that eating processed meats like sausage or bacon can lead to bowel cancer in humans. The WHO then went on to say that Santa isn’t real, there’s no such thing as love and you were adopted.
2. A judge in Indiana has ruled that it is legal to take selfies while voting. So good luck explaining to people over 60 what selfies are and people under 30 what voting is.
3. Former Heisman Trophy winner Eddie George will star in “Chicago” for seven weeks on Broadway. Although, if you were casting a Heisman-winning running back to star in a play about murdering their significant other after catching them in bed with someone else, George wouldn’t have been my first call.
4. Comedian Jimmy Morales has been elected president of Guatemala. “So you’re telling me there’s still a chance,” said Rick Perry.
5. The San Diego Chargers announced plans to move to Los Angeles. I think we all know how this ends, the Chargers move out there with big plans of becoming famous and within two years they end up waiting tables and doing porn.
6. After seeing his number dip in a recent poll in Iowa, Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump told CNN that he is going to need “to work a little bit harder in Iowa.” Because, as everyone knows, the only solution to people not liking Donald Trump is more Donald Trump. We’re only a few weeks away from Iowa taking out a restraining order against him.
7. Authorities have discovered a massive underground, drug-smuggling tunnel that stretches the length of eight football fields, from Tijuana to San Diego. No word on who exactly found the tunnel, but you can be sure it wasn’t the San Diego Chargers as they can’t go the length of even one football field.
8. Scientists in Utah have discovered one of the most complete skeletons of a turtle from the age of the dinosaurs that has a nose that resembles the snout of a pig. Turns out Miss Piggy will fuck just about any amphibian.
9. According to experts, if oil stays around $50 a barrel, most countries in the Middle East, like Saudi Arabia, Iraq and Iran, will run out of cash within the next five years. “We’ll save you the trouble and tell you right now there are problems with your loan applications,” said Israel.
10. In a recent interview with CNN, Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump said he would ‘absolutely’ be a force for bipartisanship. He knows irrationally attacking both Democrats and Republicans doesn’t make him bipartisan, right?