December 15, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. According to reports, last week Pope Francis reportedly told a little boy who was grieving over the death of his dog, not to worry because pets too can go to heaven. So congratulations, you’re halfway there, gay dogs.

2. Last night, Los Angeles Laker Kobe Bryant passed Michael Jordan to become third on the NBA’s list of all-time leading scorers. It marked the first time Kobe passed anything.

3. On Saturday night, Oregon’s Marcus Mariota won the 78th annual Heisman Trophy award. Congratulations Marcus, that’s something they can never take away from you, unless you murder your wife and her lover in a mansion in Brentwood.

4. Two of the three inmates who escaped from an Alabama jail over the weekend are now back in custody, but the third, a murder suspect, remains on the lam. Officials do not have high hopes of capturing the third escapee as an alleged murderer will blend in quite nicely with the general population of Alabama.

5. On Sunday in London, Miss South Africa Relene Strauss was crowned Miss World over runner-ups Miss Hungary Edina Kuksar and Elizabeth Safrit from the United States. Although there was an awkward moment when they announced Miss Hungary as the first runner-up and the representatives from all the African countries stepped forward.

6. On Sunday, BC Partners Ltd bought pet supply retailer PetSmart for $8.7 billion. To prevent any unauthorized future spin-offs, BC Partners immediately got PetSmart neutered.

7. Several proposed new gun laws await the new, Republican-dominated Texas legislature when it opens next month, including one to allow open carrying of handguns in public and another providing a sales tax holiday for firearm purchases. Said Texans, “Next month? But I want to be irresponsible with my gun now!”

8. Over the weekend, an early version of the next James Bond movie “SPECTRE” was made public by the people who hacked into Sony Picture. Which is a shame, because the only other way to learn the basic plot of that movie would be to watch literally any other Bond film ever made.

9. A Mississippi pastor brought a horse in a wedding dress to stand with him outside a federal courthouse on Friday in Jackson to protest a judge’s ruling that would overturn the state’s ban on gay marriage. Although, I just feel bad for the guy who is married to a woman whose wedding dress apparently also fits a horse.

10. A Mississippi pastor brought a horse in a wedding dress to stand with him outside a federal courthouse on Friday in Jackson to protest a judge’s ruling that would overturn the state’s ban on gay marriage. “Brings back fond memories of my wedding day,” said Matthew Broderick.

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