May 14, 2020 – Monologue Jokes

1. Queen guitarist Brian May was hospitalized last week after tearing hit buttock muscles while gardening. Said May, “Please tell people I have coronavirus.” 

2. The European Space Agency said this week that human urine could one day be used to make concrete to build structures on the Moon. So, from now, please refer to him as astronaut R Kelly:

3. Actor Hafthor Bjornsson, who played The Mountain in ‘Game of Thrones,’ set a deadlift world record by lifting 1,104 pounds. Breaking the old record of 1,054 pounds held by Dame Judi Dench: 

4. According to a new survey, almost 70% of married couples say they learned something new about their partner during quarantine. Said Donald to Melania, “We have a kid?!?!?!”

5. Florida Governor Ron DeSantis referred to his state as ‘God’s waiting room’ during a coronavirus press briefing last week. “Not so fast” said Georgia: 

6. Last week, Jada Pinkett Smith said even though she’s been married to Will Smith for 23 years, being quarantined with him made her realize she doesn’t know him at all. Said Pinkett Smith, “Did you know he doesn’t even have an uncle named Phil?”

7. Approximately 300,000 coronavirus masks sent to pregnant women in Japan as part of a government handout have been found to be faulty. Said the pregnant women, “Faulty protection is how we got into this mess to begin with.” 

8. German doctors are posing naked to protest protective equipment shortages. And I think I speak for everyone when I say, don’t get any ideas Dr. Phil:

9.  Last week, Carnival Cruise Line bookings shot up by 600% when they announced that they would return to the high seas on August 1 after months of coronavirus lockdown.  It’s gonna be weird in fifty years, when people want to compare something to a complete disaster and, instead of saying the Titanic, they reference the Goofy II.

10. Last week, an asparagus reader predicted that President Trump will be re-elected and impeached again. Laugh if you will, but she’s always been 100% accurate when she predicted that my pee was gonna smell.

11. After his personal valet tested positive for coronavirus, President Trump said he will undergo the COVID-19 testing every day. Said the man who administered the test by inserting a long swab into Trump’s nose, “I’ve never felt less resistance.” 

12. Last week, the creator of the dystopian tv series ‘Black Mirror’ said the world is too bleak right now for a sixth season of his show. And yet somehow ‘Fuller House’ is allowed to go on as planned.

13. Last Sunday, President Trump answered questions during a virtual town hall on FoxNews staged in front of the Lincoln Memorial. Trump’s answers were so nonsensical that halfway through the interview Lincoln stood up and walked out.

14. In California, a trio of suspected thieves was arrested trying to steal thirty-one rolls of toilet paper, thirty-two towels, and four sets of bed sheets. And no one was more angry about the arrests than the thieves’ wives who sent them out to pick up a few things:

15. During a segment on ‘Good Morning America’, the CEO of the Dolphins revealed mock ups of new entrances to their stadium that will help people adhere to social distancing guidelines. Here’s what those mock ups look like:

16. Last Thursday night, between 7pm and 7:30pm, JetBlue conducted a flyover of Manhattan, Queens, and the Bronx to salute healthcare reporters. Not to be confused with the flyover that occurred between 7:30pm and 10pm, which was JetBlue circling LaGuardia waiting to land.

17. According to a recent survey, women in New York find the Cuomo brothers more attractive than the Jonas brothers. “Alright, but what if we get rid of Kevin,” said the other two Jonas brothers:

18. According to Variety, actor Nicolas Cage will play Joe Exotic in an upcoming TV series about the eclectic zookeeper. Said Cage showing up on the first day of shooting with a mullet, dressed in a cowboy hat and a leopard print sleeveless shirt, “Okay, so what’s this Joe Exotic guy look like?”

19. French researchers are preparing to launch a human trial to test their hypothesis that nicotine can help the body combat coronavirus. That story again, Keith Richards is going to live forever.

20. Last weekend, Secretariat won a virtually Kentucky Derby race. Unfortunately the horse that finished in last place, Seattle Slew, was made into virtual glue.

June 30, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. A man in India has broken the Guinness World Record for longest time spinning a basketball on a toothbrush. I don’t know whose record he broke, but I think it’s safe to assume it wasn’t Anthony Davis’s:

2. A man in Minnesota who had outstanding warrants attempted to avoid arrest by handing a deputy a “Get Out of Jail Free” Monopoly card after being pulled over. Although, if he wanted to avoid prison, he should have used the original get out of jail card, being white.

3. A man in Minnesota who had outstanding warrants attempted to avoid arrest by handing a deputy a “Get Out of Jail Free” Monopoly card after being pulled over. And, in case that didn’t work, the man also brought the lead pipe from Clue as a back-up plan.

4. On Thursday, President Trump took to Twitter to accuse co-host of MSNBC’s ‘Morning Joe’ Mika Brzezinski of having a face-lift. And, if that’s true, I guess we know what the doctor did with all her extra skin:

5. On Thursday, President Trump took to Twitter to accuse co-host of MSNBC’s ‘Morning Joe’ Mika Brzezinski of having a face-lift. Which is reminiscent of the time Abraham Lincoln accused Betsy Ross of getting lipo:

6. Police in New Jersey are looking for a suspect who stole a street sweeper and went on a brief joyride before crashing it. That crazy store again, New Jersey owns and operates street sweepers and still looks like that.

7. A woman is suing doctors at an Atlanta hospital after she says they left a camera inside her body during an organ transplant six months ago. “Well, that explains all the trouble I’ve been having with my new camera,” said the doctor:

8. Yesterday, the White House announced that President Trump will meet with Russian President Vladimir Putin at the G20 Summit in Germany next week. Where I assume Putin will give Trump his bi-annual employee performance review.

9. After initially saying foreign fiancees of American citizens would not be allowed into the U.S. under President Trump’s travel ban, the administration reversed course yesterday and said they would be. Because, in the words of Trump himself, “Melania is getting older and you never know.”

10. According to a new study, acupuncture paired with mild electric currents may be better than doing nothing at all to relieve urinary incontinence in women. Which is weird, because if you stuck me with needles or shocked me, I think I’d be more inclined to piss myself.

11. Yesterday, a man drove his car into and destroyed a newly installed Ten Commandments monument in Arkansas. But, in the man’s defense, I’ve read the commandments and they don’t say anything about not doing that.

12. This week the nonpartisan Congressional Budget Office said the newly proposed Republican healthcare bill will result in 22 million people losing their health insurance. To put that number in perspective, if you laid that many people next to each other, side-by-side, it would, and probably will, look like this:

13. Canada is restoring an historic brothel that was once owned by President Trump’s grandfather in the late 1800’s. And, I like to think if Trump’s granddad were alive today he would be disappointed that his descendants ruined his good, whorehouse-owning name.

14. Two-time NBA Most Valuable Player Stephen Curry has received a sponsor exemption to play in the Tour’s Ellie Mae Classic golf competition next month. Of course, he has no chance of winning, not because he’s a basketball player, but because Kevin Durant isn’t playing with him.

15. A rabbi in New Jersey has been charged in a conspiracy to defraud Medicaid. The rabbi is expected to plead “For this I go to jail?”

16. Police in Australia recovered a baby bottle that had been turned into a bong with a swastika on its side. So, I guess congratulations are in order on the new addition to Mel Gibson.

17. An 88-year-old Illinois man claims a one-eyed prostitute stole his wallet after he paid for and had a blowjob performed on him. Said the prostitute, “Blowing that old man was the first time in my entire life I wished I was completely blind.”

18. Dennis Rodman plans to return to North Korea in August and has invited “Good Morning America” anchor Michael Strahan to go with him. Well, to be accurate, Kelly Ripa nominated Michael Strahan to go.

19. For the fourth time in a row a small town in Kentucky has elected a dog as its mayor. And Anthony Weiner has never been so jealous, not that the dog was elected mayor, but because it can lick itself.

20. A Japanese airline forced a disabled passenger to crawl up a flight of stairs to board his flight. “I can’t believe that,” said United, “you passed up a perfect opportunity to justifiably drag a passenger down the aisle.”

April 20, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. During Tuesday’s state primary, officials confirmed that over 125,000 people were missing from the New York City voter rolls. Luckily, I found all of them walking on the sidewalk ahead of me while I was trying to get to work.

2. U.S. Chief Justice John Roberts used sign language from the Supreme Court bench on Tuesday as he welcomed a dozen deaf lawyers who took part in a ceremony authorizing them to argue cases before the court. The best part of the attorneys using sign language to argue their case was that it they could do so without waking up Justice Thomas.

3. On Tuesday, a Croatian umpire who officiated at the U.S. Open while serving a 12-month suspension was been banned for 10 years. Said the umpire, “So I’ll see you next year that the Open?”

4. Last night, New York City’s Empire State Building was lit red to signify Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump’s win in the state’s primary on Tuesday. Because, apparently, the building doesn’t have the capability of lighting itself orange.

5. A Jerusalem brewery has produced a craft beer with a taste it says dates back to the time of Jesus. Which is ridiculous, because if I wanted to drink a beer that tastes like it’s been sitting around for centuries, I drink a Miller Light.

6. In a trailer for a new documentary focusing on Chris Brown, the singer said, after the backlash he received from assaulting his then-girlfriend Rihanna, he had dreams of committing suicide. Hey Chris, if I’ve learned anything from your music, it’s not to give up on your dreams.

7. Former New York Giant Michael Strahan is leaving his morning hosting job on “Live with Kelly & Michael” to become a full-time anchor on “Good Morning America.” Which is ironic because “a full-time anchor” is how you can describe anyone playing for the Jets.

8. Over the weekend, a couple was caught having sex in the stands of a Mets-Indians baseball game in Cleveland. Said the embarrassed couple, “Please don’t tell our friends and family we were at an Indians game.”

9. According to a new report, air pollution will kill over 200,000 people in the U.K. in the next five years. Because, I assume, Coldplay music counts as air pollution.

10. A new study finds the children of same-sex parents are just as healthy emotionally and physically as the children of different-sex parents. And, in some cases, healthier:

September 12, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. In a recent interview, the Dalai Lama told a newspaper that he sees no need for a successor. Or, as it is known in the U.S., pulling a Leno.

2. An inventor in Missouri has created a new sleeping bag made of the same material as bulletproof vests that can withstand shrapnel going 200 miles per hour. Or, maybe, just find a new place to camp.

3. Last week an IT worker in China was arrested after the accidentally uploading his personal pornography collection onto a jumbotron at a stadium. So, your move SuperBowl halftime show.

4. Senator Orin Hatch said billionaire investor Warren Buffett called him recently to find out what Congress might do about companies that move abroad for tax purposes. Even more surprising, he called collect.

5. Yesterday it was announced that Tim Tebow will be joining “Good Morning America” as a contributor. Said Tebow, “It’s the job I’ve always wanted ever since everyone told me I couldn’t have the job I really wanted.”

6. According to a new survey, alcohol use amongst teenagers leads to unsafe driving and compromised relationships with peers, while using marijuana harms relationships with authority figures. So if your son hates you, great news, he’s not drinking.

7. Activists in Colorado called on Thursday for the fast implementation of rules requiring marijuana-infused edibles to be clearly distinguishable from regular products when removed from their wrappers. Because if the pot community is known for one thing, it’s getting things done quickly.

8. Rolling Stones guitarist Keith Richards has hit the road to promote his new children’s book. Said one concerned parent, “Maybe Richards shouldn’t begin every reading by asking the kid if they ‘want to do a few lines.’”

9. A campy-low budget pornographic horror film is enjoying new found popularity after one of its actors was spotted appearing in a commercial for the Democrat running for governor of Pennsylvania. Thus, effectively ending the campaign for governorship of candidate Dick Gozinya.

10. A property developer in New York is offering ten parking spaces in the trendy lower Manhattan neighborhood of SoHo for $1 million each. Experts say this is the most overpriced piece of New York City real estate to not bear the name “Trump.”

11. The gay Oregon man who helped overturn the state’s decade-old ban on same-sex marriage is heavily featured in a campaign ad for Republican senate candidate Monica Wehby. Said Wehby, “Even though I’m a Republican, I came out in support of gay marriage because I don’t want to win.”

12. Visa launched a new service to replace account information on plastic cards with a digital account number known as a “token.” So remember, it was your token, not your account information, that was stolen by a hacker.

13. Broadway theaters dimmed their lights Tuesday night for one minute in the memory of the late Tony-nominated comedian Joan Rivers. Said Broadway representatives, “It’s how Joan would have wanted it, she always said she looked better in the dark.”

14. An evangelical pastor in Washington state is coming under fire after he said that women are nice homes for a penis. I don’t know about that, but, after that comment, I’m pretty sure his wife is gonna own his balls.

15. An assault charge against pop singer Justin Bieber was withdrawn in a Toronto court on Monday after the prosecutor said there was no reasonable prospect of conviction. We can’t get anything to stick on this guy, he’s like our generation’s Al Capone, and, with any luck, he’ll also die of syphilis.

16. According to reports, in her upcoming memoir, Wendy Davis, the Democratic candidate for governor of Texas, reveals that she ended two pregnancies of her own. And, even more chilling, a few that weren’t hers.

April 3, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. Rumors are swirling that Michael Strahan is on the verge of joining the cast of “Good Morning America.” It’s all part of ABC”s plan to make George Stephanopoulus look as tiny as possible.

2. Rumors are swirling that Michael Strahan is on the verge of joining the cast of “Good Morning America.” Said retired quarterback Donovan McNabb, “He will be great at entertaining people as they wake up in the morning and I speak from experience, on multiple occasions he’s been the first thing I saw when I regained consciousness.”

3. Yesterday, T-Mobile announced they will no longer sell BlackBerrys after April 25th. And when they say that, I assume they mean April 15th, 2009.

4. Mississippi governor said he will sign a religious freedom bill over the objections of opponents who say it will be used to refuse service to gays and minorities. Or, as it is more commonly known in Mississippi, the status quo.

5. A team of 222 skydivers plans to jump off a plane this week in Arizona to set a new world record. That new record, most crowded funeral.

6. Russian President Vladimir Putin has formally divorced his wife Lyudmila after more than 30 years of marriage. So let’s all make sure to act really surprised when hearing the news of Lyudmila’s mysterious death a month from now.

7. On Wednesday, Microsoft unveiled its answer to Siri, a mobile search assistant dubbed Cortana. Developers settled upon the moniker after considering other names including “Jan,” “Khloe” and “Fredo.”

8. A landlord was arrested in Germany after threatening tenants who were delinquent with their rent with a chainsaw. Said the landlord, “Well, I wouldn’t have had to go to those extremes if someone had gotten around to fixing the tenants’ doorbells.”

9. According to research, the rate of serious head injuries among professional mixed martial arts competitors is twice that of professional football players. Said one MMA fighter, “Oh no, not the part of my body that I use the least.”

10. A Seattle man who became concerned after receiving two surprise packages of marijuana in the mail took the shipments to police. Although, if you’re a real pothead, every shipment of drugs you order online is a surprise by the time they show up.

December 31, 2013 – Monologue Jokes

1. The U.S. Coast Guard is searching off the coast of Puerto Rico for a Canadian who witnesses say jumped off a cruise ship Saturday night. The Royal Canadian Mounted Police are also aiding in the search, but the horses are not strong swimmers.

2. On Monday it was announced that former Heisman Trophy winner Tim Tebow has agreed to a multiyear deal to join ESPN as an analyst. It is a position that the charismatic quarterback will undoubtedly thrive in, that is until Peyton Manning retires and puts him out a job once again.

3. “Good Morning America” anchor Robin Roberts revealed yesterday that she is gay. Not to be outdone, Kathie Lee and Hoda totally lez-ed out on-air.

4. Health official Michelle Snyder, who oversaw the building of the troubled Obamacare website, is retiring from her job. “Wait, is that an option?” said President Obama.

5. Women over 75 who learned more about the pros and cons of mammogram screenings from their doctors were less likely to go through with the test according to a new study. Although it seems very unprofessional that under “cons” doctors listed “having to look at those puppies.”

6. Australian researchers report, women who were initially exposed to images of surgically modified female genitalia were more likely to consider them “normal” when later comparing them to natural genitalia. You can read all about it this month’s “What the Fuck was the Point of this Study? Quarterly.”

7. Health official Michelle Snyder, who oversaw the building of the troubled Obamacare website, is retiring from her job. “Those are gonna be some hard shoes to fill,” said a guy unfamiliar with that saying.

8. U.S. aviation officials took steps towards opening the skies to drones, authorizing six sites where unmanned aircrafts can be tested for a variety of uses. And, if one of those uses is surveillance, hopefully one of those sites is over my ex-girlfriend’s house.

9. On Monday, Walgreens said it will provide a month’s supply of certain prescriptions at no upfront cost to U.S. participants who have not yet received a plan ID number under Obamacare. “Oh, I think I feel my glaucoma acting up,” said millions of liars.

10. According to a new analysis, more than half of U.S. minority patients are cared for by doctors who are also minorities. So maybe now you understand our concerns with affirmative action.