February 3, 2020 – Monologue Jokes

1. President Trump said on Monday the United States and China were in close contact regarding the newly identified coronavirus outbreak. “Close contact? Be careful, you might contract something,” said China:

 2. Last week, scientists discovered four new species of sharks that walk. Scientists made this discovery by showing the movie “Cats” to a bunch of sharks and watching them walk out of the theater. 

3. ‘Rolling Stone’ reported this week that during a listening party for his new record, singer Justin Bieber cried during the album’s playback. Crying because you’re being forced to listen to Justin Bieber music is the most relatable Justin Bieber has ever been. 

4. London’s first cheese-themed hotel opened last week. There are only rooms for one, because if your lifestyle makes you want to sleep in a cheese hotel, you’re probably provolone. 

5. NASA recently announced that it wants to put a female astronaut on the moon by 2024. While Mike Pence wants to put all women there by 2025.

6. Author Mary Higgins Clark, known as the ‘Queen of Suspense,’ died on Friday at the age of 92. Or did she? 

7. Doctors have issued a warning telling young men not to masturbate using banana peels, which has become a trend circulating on social media. Otherwise you may find out just how curious George really is.

8. Former National Security Adviser John Bolton has announced that his forthcoming tell-all book will be called “The Room Where It Happened: A White House Memoir.” It will be the first book told entirely from the Presidential bathroom. 

9. Democratic presidential candidate Michael Bloomberg has already spend over a quarter of a billion dollars on campaign ads. It’s all part of Bloomberg’s plan to be more omni-present and annoying than Flo from Progressive. 

10. Border agents arrested a 36-year-old US citizen this week after finding 222 pounds of liquid meth in his truck. To give you an idea, this is what 222 pounds of meth looks like:

11. A man in China recently ate several live eels in an attempt to cure his constipation. “No matter how this ends, it’s gonna be my problem” said the aquarium’s janitor.

12. Last week, it was announced on Twitter that Mr. Peanut, the 104-year old mascot of the Planters snack food company, has died. Although the timing of his death is suspicious since it came so quickly after the release of this photo:

13. An ad appearing in the Waze navigation app is misdirecting motorists trying to get to Atlantic City’s Borgata Casino into the wilderness of New Jersey instead. The ad is actually from the Borgata, specifically the casino’s collections department:

14. Soccer star Megan Rapinoe recently appeared on the cover of ‘Sports Illustrated’ wearing a dress and holding a sledgehammer. “So it was the swimsuit edition,” said lesbians.

15. Last week on Twitter, actor David Schwimmer proposed a reboot of ‘Friends’ featuring an all African American cast. During the first episode Gunther calls the cops on the six black people for loitering in the coffee shop. 

16. Last week on Twitter, actor David Schwimmer proposed a reboot of ‘Friends’ featuring an all African American cast. Great news, we already have our Rachel:

17. Tinder is adding new safety features, including a panic button that alerts safety authorities if something goes wrong during a date. That’s crazy because it implies that something could go right on a Tinder date.

18. “Doctor Who” made history with its first ever black Doctor, who was revealed during Sunday night’s episode. Unfortunately it was Dr. Conrad Murray:

19. Twitter said on Monday accounts of several NFL teams, including the San Francisco 49ers and Kansas City Chiefs, were hacked, ahead of the Super Bowl. And apparently the Cleveland Browns:

20. President Trump tweeted in Arabic and Hebrew this week to promote his new Middle East peace deal. Begging the question, how can you even tell in Trump’s tweets are in a different language:

21. According to reports, Queen Elizabeth initially wanted to demote Prince Harry to an Earl upon hearing his decision to leave the Royal Family. “Vicious burn!” said the whitest people you know. 

22. A woman was arrested last week after attempting to sneak into the U.S. from Canada by running through a library that straddles the border between Quebec and Vermont. Police suspected she wasn’t American because she was in a library.

January 20, 2020 – Monologue Jokes

1. Madame Tussauds waxwork museum in London announced last week that it had removed figures of Prince Harry and Meghan Markle from their royal exhibit. The last time a room full of royals cleared out that quickly the Queen ripped a mean one. 

2. Actress Gwyneth Paltrow is selling a candle that she claims smells like her vagina. And if you purchase that candle you can expect to hear a lot of questions like ‘Why did you buy this?’ and ‘How did this happen?’ and ‘Are you cooking fish?’ 

3. Boxer Tyson Fury revealed this week that he has been preparing for an upcoming fight by masturbating seven times a day. So, yeah, that’s not a spit bucket. 

4. Boxer Tyson Fury revealed this week that he has been preparing for an upcoming fight by masturbating seven times a day. Begging the question, who is my thirteen-year-old nephew training to fight? 

5. Five California mountain lions were seen together on home surveillance video this week. It’s the most disturbing grouping of large cats since:

6. A German Shepherd in North Carolina gave birth to a green puppy last week. “I know what you’re thinking,” said the family’s pet turtle. 

7. Chris Beart, the rapper who cut off his own penis before jumping off a two-story building in 2014, recently got married. Said the groomsman who disapproved of the marriage, “This is going to be the second worst decision you’ve ever made.”

8. A new study found no strong evidence linking baby powder to ovarian cancer. Great news for LeBron James’ ovaries:

9. Prince Harry and Meghan Markle announced last week that they will be “stepping back” from their role as royals, moving to America, and “will work to become financially independent.” That story again, Harry will be answering to a new King:

10. Last week, a Florida man pled guilty to a trafficking scheme in which live water monitor lizards were concealed inside electronic equipment and smuggled from the Philippines into the U.S. Which explains why my fax machine just ate my cat.

11. Police in Florida are seeking help locating a burglar who broke into a house and told the owners he was “there to suck toes.” That story again, Quentin Tarantino is apparently scouting filming locations in Florida.

12. Scientists recently conducted a study in which they put 3D glasses on cuttlefish and showed them film clips. The study found that if you put 3D glasses on cuttlefish for a long enough period you’ll lose your job as a scientist.

13. Last week, Georgia authorities say a man broke into a Taco Bell restaurant, prepared food, and took a nap inside. The man made a meal and took a nap or, as President Trump refers to it, a full workday.

14. According to a new study, older people who frequent art galleries and museums and attend the theater may live longer than those who don’t. “Strongly disagree?” said the ghost of Lincoln.

15. It was revealed this week that the New York Public Library’s most checked-out book of all time is the children’s book “The Snowy Day.” While the Library’s least checked-out book, “The Erotic Tales of Wilford Brimley.”

16. Monday night, the LSU Tigers beat the Clemson Tigers 42-25 to win the college football National Championship. It’s the first time a tiger beat itself since:

17. According to a new study, Mars is losing water quicker than expected. That story again, Mars is still more inhabitable than Flint, Michigan.

18. On Monday, the Cleveland Browns named Kevin Stefanski their new head coach because, I assume, he was the last one to say ‘Not it.’

19. A Florida woman was arrested this week for building a bomb in a Walmart from items she found in the store. So, just one item?:

20. Last week, a man asked a court to grant his motion for trial by combat so he can meet his ex-wife and her attorney “on the field of battle.” “Hey at least I asked the court ahead of time this time,” said O.J.

July 27, 2018 – Monologue Jokes

1. The London gospel choir that performed at the wedding of Britain’s Prince Harry and Meghan Markle, has signed a record deal with Sony Music. Not to be outdone, the Queen has signed with Death Row Records:

2. Over the weekend, a rider was kicked out of the Tour de France for trying to punch another rider. That story again, Chris Brown learned how to ride a bike.

3. Over the weekend, Italian rider Gianni Moscon was kicked out of the Tour de France for “showing a lack of restraint” when he tried to punch another rider. Although, if you ask me, he showed unbelievable restraint by only punching one of these guys:

4. Facebook said on Monday it would double its presence in London, acquiring nearly 600,000 square feet of office space. Meanwhile, Tom from MySpace wants to know if he can crash on your couch a few a nights.

5. Gloria Estefan was honored by the Spanish government on Monday for her contribution to the arts. She was also honored for her tireless work making the public aware of the rhythm and its intention to get them.

6. On Sunday, hundreds of people gathered in a Switzerland’s Mount Tracouet for the world’s biggest wooden Swiss alpine horn festival, which happens once a year. Of course, the other 364 days of the year they all apparently gather in the apartment next to me.

7. Over the weekend, the tiny Belgian city of Marche-en-Famenne held Europe’s biggest “living statue” festival, where people posed as famous people like Isaac Newton and Albert Einstein. To see a living person stand that still outside of Marche-en-Famenne, you’d have to take my uncle out to dinner and wait for the bill to come.

8. This week a was arrested for working out nude at a Planet Fitness. Apparently, before his arrest, he was standing by the bench press doing a clean jerk.

9. Russian hackers gained access to the networks of U.S. electric utilities last year, which could have allowed them to cause blackouts, according to federal government officials. Or, in the case of Detroit, turn the lights back on.

10. Three former U.S. secretaries of state, Hillary Clinton, Colin Powell and Madeleine Albright, will make guest appearances in October on political television drama “Madam Secretary.” While current Secretary of State Mike Pompeo will appear on the least convincing episode of “Undercover Boss” ever:

11. Actor Johnny Depp gave Harry Potter fans a look at his coming portrayal of the villain Grindelwald, delivering a monologue in character at San Diego Comic-Con on Saturday. You could tell Depp was in character because he was only wearing eleven scarves.

12. On Monday, the U.S. anti-doping agency announced that six-time Olympic gold medalist swimmer Ryan Lochte has been suspended for 14 months for receiving an intravenous infusion of a permitted substance without a therapeutic use exemption. Said Lochte, “Can you please use smaller words?”:

13. After the President of Iran issued a warning to President Trump, Trump sent an all caps tweet saying “YOU WILL SUFFER CONSEQUENCES THE LIKES OF WHICH FEW THROUGHOUT HISTORY HAVE EVER SUFFERED BEFORE.” Which, coincidentally, were also the vows he said to Melania.

14. Republicans on Friday voted to hold their 2020 presidential nominating convention in Charlotte. And, if they nominate Trump, it’ll be the worst thing to happen inside Charlotte since she marred Trey in season 2:

15. Uber and Lyft have suspended a driver following a report that he recorded passengers without their consent. But, on the plus-side, it’s good to hear the Michael Cohen is working again:

16. In a new study, an international team of scientists identified more than thousand variations in human genes that influence how long people stay in school. Apparently there is a gene for how rich your dad is.

17. According to reports, the soccer ball Russian President Vladimir Putin gifted to President Trump contained a chip capable of transmitting data. Putin was not concerned inserting such a fragile piece of technical equipment into athletic equipment, because he was certain that by giving it to Trump it would never get any use.

18. A Georgia state lawmaker who yelled racial slurs and dropped his pants on Sasha Baron Cohen’s new Showtime show after being told it would intimidate terrorists offered his resignation letter on Tuesday. Well, if Trump dropping his pants is what it takes to finally get him to resign, it’s definitely not worth it:

19. The Ferrari from the movie “Ferris Bueller’s Day Off” will be up for action next month. And, a word of advice to that auctioneer, don’t take any bids over the phone from Abe Froman the Sausage King of Chicago.

20. President Trump accused Twitter on Thursday of restricting the visibility of prominent conservatives and promised to investigate the matter. Said Trump, “I haven’t seen a tweet from Ronald Reagan pop up on my timeline in a long time.”

May 18, 2018 – Monologue Jokes

1. Meghan Markle’s father, Thomas Markle, will not attend his daughter’s wedding to Prince Harry ON Saturday. Harry’s mom will also not be attending, but she has a better excuse.

2. Monday was Facebook founder’s Mark Zuckerberg’s birthday. What do you get the guy who has everything, apparently your social security number.

3. Hunter College has announced that they will give an honorary degree to actor Vin Diesel. So I stand corrected, a degree from Hunter College can be even more worthless than I previously thought.

4. Kentucky Fried Chicken locations in the U.K. will sell a commemorative chicken bucket in honor of Prince Harry and Meghan Markle’s upcoming wedding. So if you like greasy, fried chicken and you like elaborate, gaudy weddings, hi President Trump:

5. A Texas woman who killed her cheating husband by repeatedly running him over with her car has been released from prison. “So, the gas is on the right?” asked Melania.

6. Hunter College has announced that they will give an honorary degree to actor Vin Diesel. In what I can only assume is an elaborate prank to hear Vin Diesel try to pronounce ‘honorary degree.’

7. A Texas woman who killed her cheating husband by repeatedly running him over with her car has been released from prison. “That brings me back,” said the woman driving away from prison as her car went over a speed-bump.

8. Over the weekend, boxer Floyd Mayweather won $100,000 by hitting the jackpot while playing video poker in Las Vegas. It’s the most amount of money Mayweather has ever won for the least amount of work since he fought Pacquiao.

9. Actress Salma Hayek, a vocal supporter of the MeToo movement, said on Sunday male actors should get paid less. “Wait, you guys are being paid for this?” said Keanu.

10. During his speech on Monday at the new US embassy in Israel, Jared Kushner praised President Trump for recognized Jerusalem as the capital of Israel. Next up for Trump, recognizing Tiffany:

11. According to newly released documents, an intermediary for a Russian oligarch and associates of President Trump coordinated responses to revelations of a Trump Tower meeting where Don Jr. expected to get “dirt” on Hillary Clinton. It’s just like in every movies, after something terrible happens, all the innocent people get together and say, “Okay, let’s get our stories straight.”

12. Environmental Protection Agency chief Scott Pruitt said on Wednesday that he now has a legal fund in place to help him fight off a growing list of alleged ethical missteps. Added Pruitt in a hushed voice, “But don’t tell the IRS.”

13. This week, the White House announced the elimination of the position of cyber security coordinator. “So does that mean my job application was rejected?” asked Pladimir Vutin:

14. Politico has published an article profiling the members of Congress who play video games. Said those member of Congress, “Please don’t tell Ted Cruz”:

15. According to Senate testimony, President Trump’s former aide Steve Bannon sought to use personal information collected online to promote “a culture war.” Other places that cultures are doing battle, Bannon’s face:

16. According to a new study, people with schizophrenia who are treated early may do better than others. “You’re just saying that” ”No, I think it’s true” “Not a chance” said one guy.

17. This week, American Airlines announced that passengers will no longer be allowed to bring emotional support hedgehogs, goats, or spiders on board flights. While, Spirit Airlines has gone a different route:

18. On Thursday, a top court in Germany ruled that beer cannot be marketed as beneficial. “We beg to differ,” said ugly people.

19. NASA said on Friday it will send a small helicopter to Mars as part of a 2020 mission. NASA said the best way to send a helicopter to Mars is book a ticket on Southwest that supposed to land in Omaha.

20. According to a new study, married people may be more likely to spot deadly skin cancer sooner than their unmarried counterparts. So good news older single people who never found the love of their lives, you’ll be dead soon.

December 29, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. Last week, Dutch ambassador Peter Hoekstra lied to a news reporter about comments he perviously made, and then, when confronted with those comments, lied about lying. Said Secretary of Education Betsy DeVos, “The lying gets worse, I just checked a map and there’s no such place as Dutch”

2. The man who dropped off a gift-wrapped box of horse manure to Treasury Secretary Steve Mnuchin’s Los Angeles home said he did so in response to Congress’s newly passed tax bill. But that’s not a good comparison because at least the man gift-wrapped his package of shit.

3. A man in Mexico who claims to have a 19-inch penis says his member makes it impossible for him to hold down a job because he can’t kneel or wear a uniform. In other news, A-Rod hit 696 home runs with a career batting average of .295:

4. According to the numbers, Donald Trump visited a Trump-owned property over 100 times in his first year as president. And the number goes up dramatically if you consider Mitch McConnell and Paul Ryan Trump-owned properties.

5. Callista Gingrich, wife of former speaker of the House of Representatives Newt Gingrich, on Friday became U.S. ambassador to the Vatican. That crazy story again, the woman who is married to Newt Gingrich and has presumably seen him naked still believes in God.

6. Michelin-starred chef Massimo Bottura plans to open two new restaurants in Paris and Naples next year, where the food will be free, made from supermarket scraps and served only to the poor. Or, as it’s more commonly known. Arby’s.

7. On Sunday, President Trump lashed out at the media tweeting, “The Fake News refuses to talk about how Big and how Strong our Base is.” I don’t know about strong, but they’ve definitely reported about how big your base is:

8. A topless protester was detained by Vatican police on Monday for attempting to steal the doll of baby Jesus from the Vatican’s nativity scene. Said the Pope, “What can I say? Bitches be cray”

9. According to a report, government officials are imploring Prince Harry not to invite former President Obama to his upcoming wedding for fear of enraging President Trump. You think Trump will be mad, wait until Jeff Sessions finds out Harry’s fiancee is half-black.

10. While eating diner at a local Applebee’s after losing to the Carolina Panthers on Christmas Eve, Tampa Bay Buccaneers defensive tackle Sealver Siliga left a $1,000 tip. “I just felt bad that anyone had to work such a crummy job on Christmas Eve,” said the Applebee’s empployees of Siliga.

11. New research suggests, for older people, getting out of the house regularly may contribute to a longer life. That story again, Grandma was a freeloader and I did her a favor by kicking her out of the house.

12. New research suggests, for older people, getting out of the house regularly may contribute to a longer life. So, at this rate, Donald Trump is going to live forever:

13. On Wednesday, the Israeli Minister of Transportation announced that a new train station near the Western Wall will be named after President Trump. In honor of Trump, the train will have an gigantic caboose:

14. A Connecticut woman allegedly snorted cocaine in a police station while waiting to be booked on unrelated charges. Which, to her credit, is a pretty smart way to not have to wait anymore.

15. Alabama officials on Thursday certified Doug Jones the winner of the state’s Senate race, after a judge denied a legal challenge by Roy Moore. Moore will handle this rejection like he usually does, by signing the judge’s high school yearbook and stalking him at the mall.

16. Smartphone maker Apple and Japanese printer company Epson are facing legal complaints in France over allegedly speeding up the aging process of their products to stimulate demand. “I’m not so sure speeding up the aging process increases demand” said Mickey Rourke’s face:

17. China has closed more than 13,000 websites since the beginning of 2015 for breaking the law or other rules with the vast majority of people supporting government efforts to clean up cyberspace. I’ve made fun of your president and implied that Chinese people pee-pee in our coke, I guess what I’m saying is, what the fuck does a website gotta do to get banned in China?

18. A Tibetan film-maker jailed in China for making a film about the Olympics and Tibet has arrived in the United States after escaping from China. “You can be jailed in China for making unpopular movies?” asked a very concerned Adam Sandler.

May 6, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. There is a 4-month-old baby in China who was born with 31 fingers and toes. And if you think that’s bad, the parents’ previous baby was even more deformed, it was a girl.

2. On Thursday, London elected Sadiq Khan as mayor, making Khan the first Muslim mayor of any major western city. “But not the first president,” said FoxNews.

3. According to the FBI, a man who went into multiple Michigan grocery stores and sprayed poison on the food is now in custody. No word on who will fill his shoes as president of Monsanto.

4. This week, a North Carolina woman, who was diagnosed with breast cancer six years ago and is still undergoing chemotherapy, won the lottery for the second time in just three months. Proving that God does listen to our prayers, just not that well.

5. According to a new poll, supporters of Donald Trump see refugees arriving from Iraq and Syria as the greatest threat to the United States. The second greatest threat to Trump supporters is someone asking them to locate Iraq and Syria on a map.

6. On Wednesday, Prince Harry took to horseback to play a game of polo in Palm Beach. Either that, or he was getting a piggy back ride from Camilla Parker Bowles.

7. To reassure Asian tourists, Italy is importing Chinese police to patrol the streets of Rome. Which is pointless, because you know an hour after the Chinese police arrive they’re just gonna be hungry for more police.

8. In response to a young boy yelling “You Suck” at a Ted Cruz rally, the Republican presidential hopeful said in his house kids receive a spanking for saying such terrible things. Things like “I hate you,” “I wish I was never born,” and “You have no mathematical chance at being the Republican nominee.”

9. On Tuesday, New York City police found a body that washed ashore in Brooklyn wearing ‘cement shoes.’ But, apparently not very good cement shoes.

10. On Tuesday, six-year-old presidential expert Macey Hensley got a surprise visit from former President George W. Bush while she was touring his presidential library. And I can think of no one who would be more disappointed to meet George W. Bush than a presidential expert.

11. On Monday, a man fell off the Great Wall of China and somehow survived. The man credits all the kings’ horsemen and all the kings’ men.

12. An man in Minnesota has come forward claiming to be the secret child of Prince and demanding a DNA test. And, the guy may have an argument:

13. Clay Aiken, the former American Idol star who ran for a North Carolina congressional seat in 2014, claims he put on 30 pounds on the campaign trail by eating nothing but Bojangles fried chicken. Which is ironic, because that is Ruben Studdard’s diet plan.

14. King of the informercial Phil Kives, who coined the phrase “As Seen on TV,” died last week at the age of 87. He is survived by his wife and two kids, but, if you call in now, he’ll throw in a third one for free.

15. Actor Woody Harrelson’s application to open a medical marijuana dispensary in Hawaii was rejected last week. Turns out the actor best known for being stoned all the time is not great with paperwork.

16. Producers have announced that a musical based on the life of Pope John Paul II is set to debut next year in Poland. So, if you like the Catholic Church and you like musicals, the Catholic Church doesn’t like you.

17. A woman who gave birth on a Jetstar flight from Singapore to Myanmar last week, named her newborn son Saw Jet Star after the airline. Which is much better than the name given to a baby born on a Malaysian Airlines flight, cute little Abortion Smith.

18. Campus police at the University of Illinois are investigating after someone drew swastikas in a campus building. “That’s outrageous! Only one building?!?” said the dean of Trump University.

19. This week a Cambridge scientist said he sees a not-too-distant future where humans live until 1,000 and have their bodies fixed like cars. That might be the case, but I still don’t appreciate my proctologist telling me he’s “checking my oil.”

20. Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump celebrated Cinco de Mayo on Thursday by tweeting a photo of himself with a taco bowl and the caption: “I love Hispanics.” It actually was just a hard shell taco, but it looked like a taco bowl next to Donald’s tiny little hands.

June 8, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. In a speech last week, Ray Kurzweil, the director of engineering at Google, said that humans will be hybrids, part man, part machine, by 2030. “I can’t wait to have a human part,” said Mitt Romney.

2. Last week, a man played a guitar as he was undergoing brain surgery. Although it was kinda unprofessional when he opened it up for requests and the doctors chose “Stairway to Heaven.”

3. Saturday afternoon, two convicted murderers escaped from a maximum security prison in upstate New York by cutting through a steel wall and following a series of tunnels until they emerged from a manhole outside the prison walls. Police have brought in Raquel Welsh for questioning.

4. On Saturday, Buckingham Palace released four photos of the new royal baby, Princess Charlotte. It appears she has her mother’s eyes, her father’s nose and her great-grandmother’s bladder control.

5. Toy company Mattel has unveiled its new line of Fashionista Barbies which consists of 23 different dolls with eight different skin tones. “Yeah, it wasn’t Barbie’s skin tone that turned me off,” said Ken.

6. On Saturday, American Pharaoh won the Belmont Stakes becoming the first horse in 36 years to capture horse racing’s triple crown. So, if in a couple weeks, your bottle of Elmer’s glue is extra sticky, you’ll know why.

7. Just a week after the international soccer scandal broke, the first screening of the FIFA-funded film “United Passions” premiered in Los Angeles to just two movie-goers. “Wow, how’d you get two people to see your film?” said the makers of “Aloha.”

8. A San Diego judge ordered a mental competency hearing for Peter Robbins, who, as a kid, voiced Charlie Brown, after a series of outbursts during a hearing on Friday. Said Robbins, “I only yelled because, at the last second, you kept pulling my bail back.”

9. Pope Francis has asked reporters who don’t pray to at least send him “good vibrations.” Aren’t you the fucking Pope? Isn’t that your job? Don’t you have a direct line?

10. In a recent interview, Victoria Beckham said the Spice Girls were originally named the Spicy Girls, but changed it after discovering a porn site bearing pictures of naked women with the same name. I’m just guessing, but I bet Sporty was the one who found the site.

March 17, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. Yesterday, the U.K.’s Prince Harry announced, after nearly a decade of service in the British military, he has decided to leave the armed forces. Harry said he wants to focus on his real life passion of doing absolutely nothing.

2. Thailand’s military government warned women on Monday against posting ‘selfie’ photos of the lower half of their breasts saying such actions could violate the country’s computer crime laws. That story again, Thailand has completely missed the point of the internet.

3. A Pakistani motorcyclist has been arrested in the city of Lahore after police caught him riding naked along a busy road. When police apprehended the man he was in the process of revving his hog, and he was also gunning the motorcycle’s engine.

4. It was reported yesterday that former Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney has agreed to fight former world heavyweight champion Evander Holyfield for charity. Not to be outdone, Chris Christie has challenged Butterbean to a pie-eating contest.

5. BlackBerry unveiled its newest smartphone yesterday that was designed by Porsche and costs nearly $2,000. It’s a great way to let people know you have a tiny penis even when you’re not driving your Porsche.

6. According to a new survey, thirty percent of adults in the U.S. have taken steps to hide their information from government surveillance programs. Because nothing says “I’m very protective over my personal information” like answering a question posed by a complete stranger on that very topic.

7. Despite the ubiquity of online fitness videos, experts say aging baby-boomers still prefer to use instructional DVDs to exercise. Which makes sense, because boomers really break a sweat trying to figure out how to put the workout DVD into their VCRs.

8. South African doctors have achieved what they call the world’s first successful penis transplant operation. “Depends on what you call successful,” said the penis donor.

9. According to a new study, a simple vision test using a stopwatch and flashcards can help parents and coaches diagnose young athletes with concussions. The way it works is, if your kid can’t tell the difference between the stopwatch and the flashcards, he has a concussion.

10. On Friday, Pope Francis said the devil is punishing Mexico with criminal violence. While the devil is apparently punishing the U.S. with another “Grown Ups” film.

May 15, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. This week, former Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney said he supports efforts to raise the minimum wage to $10. But that’s only because he doesn’t know that $1 and $5 bills exist.

2. According to a new report, 1 in 4 adults worldwide are anti-Semitic. The number used to be much lower, but then Donald Sterling opened his mouth.

3. The Oprah Winfrey Network announced on Wednesday that it had purchased the rights to a documentary series that will follow the life of openly gay NFL draftee Michael Sam. The last time OWN cameras were in a football locker room was that episode of “Lindsay” where she fucked the entire roster of the Dallas Cowboys.

4. The formal royal editor of Rupert Murdoch’s News of the World tabloid admitted to a London court to repeatedly hacking the phones of Princes William and Harry. While those compromising pictures of Camilla Parker Bowles remain completely untouched on Prince Charles’ phone.

5. A 100-carat yellow diamond sold at auction for $9.7 million to a private buyer yesterday. Begging the question, what’s Kobe apologizing for this time?

6. On Monday, Pope Francis said he’d baptize Martians if they showed up at the Vatican demanding to be baptized. So, for the record, gays no, Martians yes.

7. Justin Bieber is being accused of stealing a woman’s cell phone after she allegedly took pictures of the pop star’s involvement in an altercation. Is it possible that Biebs is modeling his life after King Joffrey and, if so, can please let it end the same way.

8. A world-renowned underwater explorer believes he’s found Christopher Columbus’ long-lost cargo ship, the Santa Maria, which was wrecked by a storm off the coast of Haiti. So, at this rate, we’ll find Malaysian flight 370 by 2536.

9. According to a new study, women are at an increased risk of being seriously injured from a motor vehicle accident during the second trimester of pregnancy. Making for the very weird slogan of “Abortions, you’ll drive better.”

10. Jay-Z, Beyonce and Drake led the BET Award nominations announced on Wednesday with five nods apiece. While the “Biggest Hit of the Year” category was locked up by Solange Knowles last week.

May 1, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. Late Tuesday night, Florida State quarterback and reigning Heisman Trophy winner Jameis Winston was issued a citation for shoplifting crab legs from a grocery store. This incident is not the first time, nor will it be the last, that an FSU student made a questionable decision and ended up with crabs.

2. In a bid to attract a younger audience, the Colorado Symphony Orchestra is staging a summer classic-music series in Denver where the audience will be encouraged to smoke marijuana while listening to the performance. Organizers expect it to be a lot like Coachella, only awful.

3. Later this year, a Pizza Hut ad will air on the streaming online video service Hulu that will allow viewers to order a pizza within the ad. And, if they can somehow figure out a way to incorporate pornography into that equation, Americans will never have to use any other website, ever.

4. On the heels of George Clooney’s engagement, British papers are reporting that Prince Harry has broken up with his girlfriend of two years, Cressida Bonas. “And I’m back in the game,” said delusional women everywhere.

5. Media mogul Oprah Winfrey has emerged as a potential interested buyer of the Los Angeles Clippers if current owner Donald Sterling is forced to sell. Seems like a good fit considering no one even wants to take an Instagram photo with Stedman.

6. On Wednesday, Senators Barbara Boxer and Mark Warner questioned the TSA’s ability to keep travelers safe and prevent terrorist attacks. As a result, the senators should get used to hearing the phrase “Mrs. Boxer/ Mr. Warner, you’ve been randomly selected for additional screening.”

7. Yesterday, Turnberry, the iconic golf course that occasionally hosts the British Open, was sold to American businessman Donald Trump. It seems like a perfect match, one is an ever-tiresome endeavor that physically and mentally takes a toll on anyone who challenges it and only gets more entertaining in a heavy wind and the other is Turnberry.

8. A Canadian man named George Popadick was arrested yesterday for indecent exposure. Said the man’s parents, “He’s an embarrassment to the Popadick family name.”

9. North Korea conducted a live-fire drill Tuesday near its disputed western sea border with the South. The drill lasted about 15 minutes with no shells landing in South Korean waters. Said North Korea, “I’m not touching you. I’m not touching you. I’m not touching you…”

10. The European Union named another 15 people Tuesday who will face sanctions over the crisis in Ukraine, including Russian Deputy Prime Minister Dmitry Kozak and military chief Ludmila Shvetsova. The E.U. only releases a few names at a time because eventually they run out of consonants.