Tag Archives: Washington Redskins

October 21, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

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1. On Monday, the U.S. government approved the sale to Iraq of $600 million in tank ammunition. But, don’t worry, we’ll get most of it back for free when they shoot it at us.

2. Multiple California radio stations have pledged not to play Lorde’s song “Royals” so as not to offend San Francisco Giants fans during the team’s World Series match-up with the Kansas City Royals. The stations also pledged not to play any Nickelback so as to not to offend anyone with ears.

3. The National Football League has filed a lawsuit on Monday in an attempt to block New Jersey from offering legalized wagering on sporting events. And, in unrelated news, the NFL has gone missing.

4. A Florida mother wants Toys-R-Us to remove “Breaking Bad” action figures from its shelves because they are not suitable for children. And she’s got a point, Florida kids shouldn’t be exposed to the world of meth cooking unless it’s career day at school.

5. Monica Lewinsky told an audience in Philadelphia on Monday that her new mission in life is to end cyberbullying. Said Lewinsky, “I guess you could call me a missionary, in fact, Bill used to suggest that all the time.”

6. Yesterday was the first day Apple Pay, which lets consumers use their iPhones to pay for items, was made available to the public. And, suspiciously, the majority of purchases made on the first day were for U2’s new album.

7. Actor Charlie Sheen and adult film star Brett Rossi have called off their engagement. The two met a year ago on the set of her film “Two Hundred and a Half Men.”

8. A California woman who tried to sneak into the home of an ex-boyfriend through his chimney got struck and had to be rescued by firefighters. “He’s married now, so back off bitch,” said Mrs. Claus.

9. A man in New Brunswick claims to have found a dead mouse at the bottom of his McDonald’s cup of coffee. Said the employee who served him, “That’s weird, I’m pretty sure I put two of them in there.”

10. Speaking to workers at the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau in Washington on Friday, President Obama revealed that his credit card was declined while dining out in New York City last month. Which begs the question, what kind of restaurant makes the President of the United States pay for a meal?

May 16, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

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1. The hotel where Jay-Z had an alleged altercation with Beyonce’s sister Solange Knowles says it has fired the person who leaked the tape to the media. Whereupon he was immediately hired as Solange’s PR guy.

2. At the Children’s Book Week Gala in New York Wednesday night, Rush Limbaugh took home the award for author of the year. Proving what I’ve said all along, kids are morons.

3. At the Children’s Book Week Gala in New York Wednesday night, Rush Limbaugh took home the award for author of the year. It’s good to see Limbaugh finally getting the recognition he deserves from his intellectual peers.

4. On Thursday, Kentucky Derby winner California Chrome was treated for a cough and a blister. Which means a horse has better health insurance than I do.

5. According to a new study, U.S. children are consuming more than 10 pounds of sugar annually if they eat a typical morning bowl of cereal each day. As a result, Life cereal has been forced to change its name to “Life?”

6. A 31-year-old woman has been arrested after spending several months posing as a teenage student at a private Texas high school. The woman was able to pull of the con for so long because being a chain-smoking sophomore with two children is commonplace in Texas.

7. A 31-year-old woman has been arrested after spending several months posing as a teenage student at a private Texas high school. School officials became suspicious when they looked at her.

8. The Vatican said on Thursday that Pope Francis is shunning bulletproof vehicles during his trip to the Middle East this month, insisting he use a normal car and be allowed to be as close to people as possible. Said the Pope, “It’s not like I’m going to Detroit.”

9. Experts in London are now claiming that peeing on a jellyfish sting does nothing to alleviate the pain. But it is still a pretty effective way to take your mind of getting stung by a jellyfish.

10. A new app called “What’s Applebee’s” lets users connect to fellow Applebee’s fans. It’s a great service that allows users to skip the hassle of driving all the way down to the unemployment office and striking up conversations.

11. A new study that looked at brain scans suggests smoking while pregnant may be linked to less control over inhibitions when the child is an adult. “I’ll have a carton of Marlboro Reds,” said 23-year-old Dina Lohan.

12. Maryland Governor Martin O’Malley on Thursday signed into law a bill banning discrimination against transgender people. As a result, the Washington Redskins have finally agreed to change their name to the Washington Bruce Jenners.

13. On Wednesday, TBS announced that Conan O’Brien will continue to host his late-night talk show through 2018. “So, come 2019, you’re telling me there’s a chance,” said Jay Leno.

14. New Jersey Governor Chris Christie’s spokesman testified on Tuesday that he was misled by fellow officials about the purpose of a major traffic disruption apparently used to retaliate against a political foe. And, it should be noted that Christie is forced to use a spokesman quite often as his own mouth is usually full.

15. According to a new study, college freshmen were more likely to get behind the wheel after smoking marijuana than drinking alcohol. So if you thought it was hard to remember where you parked before.

16. Target and Doritos have teamed up to market the walking taco, which is the result of pouring ground beef and cheese into a bag of crushed Doritos before eating it directly out of the bag. They thought about naming it the running taco, but, let’s be honest, the type of person who would be interested in eating this type of thing isn’t running anywhere anytime soon.

17. According to reports, Apple will unveil the next incarnation of its iPhone in August, on month earlier than industry watchers were expecting. “Ah, fuck,” said the entire workforce of China.

18. Three University of Oregon players who were accused of rape have been dropped from the team despite a decision by prosecutors not to charge them criminally. But, on the plus side, they’re now the front-runners for the 2014 Heisman Trophy.