February 3, 2020 – Monologue Jokes

1. President Trump said on Monday the United States and China were in close contact regarding the newly identified coronavirus outbreak. “Close contact? Be careful, you might contract something,” said China:

 2. Last week, scientists discovered four new species of sharks that walk. Scientists made this discovery by showing the movie “Cats” to a bunch of sharks and watching them walk out of the theater. 

3. ‘Rolling Stone’ reported this week that during a listening party for his new record, singer Justin Bieber cried during the album’s playback. Crying because you’re being forced to listen to Justin Bieber music is the most relatable Justin Bieber has ever been. 

4. London’s first cheese-themed hotel opened last week. There are only rooms for one, because if your lifestyle makes you want to sleep in a cheese hotel, you’re probably provolone. 

5. NASA recently announced that it wants to put a female astronaut on the moon by 2024. While Mike Pence wants to put all women there by 2025.

6. Author Mary Higgins Clark, known as the ‘Queen of Suspense,’ died on Friday at the age of 92. Or did she? 

7. Doctors have issued a warning telling young men not to masturbate using banana peels, which has become a trend circulating on social media. Otherwise you may find out just how curious George really is.

8. Former National Security Adviser John Bolton has announced that his forthcoming tell-all book will be called “The Room Where It Happened: A White House Memoir.” It will be the first book told entirely from the Presidential bathroom. 

9. Democratic presidential candidate Michael Bloomberg has already spend over a quarter of a billion dollars on campaign ads. It’s all part of Bloomberg’s plan to be more omni-present and annoying than Flo from Progressive. 

10. Border agents arrested a 36-year-old US citizen this week after finding 222 pounds of liquid meth in his truck. To give you an idea, this is what 222 pounds of meth looks like:

11. A man in China recently ate several live eels in an attempt to cure his constipation. “No matter how this ends, it’s gonna be my problem” said the aquarium’s janitor.

12. Last week, it was announced on Twitter that Mr. Peanut, the 104-year old mascot of the Planters snack food company, has died. Although the timing of his death is suspicious since it came so quickly after the release of this photo:

13. An ad appearing in the Waze navigation app is misdirecting motorists trying to get to Atlantic City’s Borgata Casino into the wilderness of New Jersey instead. The ad is actually from the Borgata, specifically the casino’s collections department:

14. Soccer star Megan Rapinoe recently appeared on the cover of ‘Sports Illustrated’ wearing a dress and holding a sledgehammer. “So it was the swimsuit edition,” said lesbians.

15. Last week on Twitter, actor David Schwimmer proposed a reboot of ‘Friends’ featuring an all African American cast. During the first episode Gunther calls the cops on the six black people for loitering in the coffee shop. 

16. Last week on Twitter, actor David Schwimmer proposed a reboot of ‘Friends’ featuring an all African American cast. Great news, we already have our Rachel:

17. Tinder is adding new safety features, including a panic button that alerts safety authorities if something goes wrong during a date. That’s crazy because it implies that something could go right on a Tinder date.

18. “Doctor Who” made history with its first ever black Doctor, who was revealed during Sunday night’s episode. Unfortunately it was Dr. Conrad Murray:

19. Twitter said on Monday accounts of several NFL teams, including the San Francisco 49ers and Kansas City Chiefs, were hacked, ahead of the Super Bowl. And apparently the Cleveland Browns:

20. President Trump tweeted in Arabic and Hebrew this week to promote his new Middle East peace deal. Begging the question, how can you even tell in Trump’s tweets are in a different language:

21. According to reports, Queen Elizabeth initially wanted to demote Prince Harry to an Earl upon hearing his decision to leave the Royal Family. “Vicious burn!” said the whitest people you know. 

22. A woman was arrested last week after attempting to sneak into the U.S. from Canada by running through a library that straddles the border between Quebec and Vermont. Police suspected she wasn’t American because she was in a library.

February 4, 2019 – Monologue Jokes

1. The NFL is looking into a report that a laser pointer was aimed at New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady during the AFC Championship game last month. Which would explain why Brady was sacked three times by Mr. Whiskers:

2. Rudy Giuliani recently told ‘The New Yorker’ that he’s worried that his tombstone will read “Rudy Giuliani, he lied for Trump.” Which is still better than what it would have said before he took the job:

3. A rare book owned by Adolf Hitler, acquired by Canada’s national archive, allegedly contains a detailed blueprint for a North American Holocaust. That story again Steve Bannon’s upcoming memoir is likely to have some copyright issues. 

4. The search engine Bing was blocked in China on Wednesday. Okay, that explains why no one in China uses Bing, but what about literally every where else?

5. A Utah man has sued actress Gwyneth Paltrow for $3.1 million, claiming she slammed into him on a ski slope in 2016, breaking four of his ribs and knocking him unconscious. He is suing for $2 million for the physical harm the accident caused and $1.1 million for the mental damage caused by watching ‘Mortdecai’:

6. In a recent interview, President Trump said he would have a hard time letting his son Barron play football. Well, actually, his exact words were, “I have a son named Barron?”

7. According to a new study, most hobbyist rock climbers lack the basic rescue skills needed to save themselves in dangerous situations. And also the basic skills to dress themselves:

8. Last week, after pleading guilty to a harassment charge, actor Alec Baldwin agreed to take anger-management training. While Stephen Baldwin agreed to take Kinko’s management training.

9. A new study found that hundreds of keyless cars are vulnerable to high-tech auto theft. Meanwhile the keys to a 2015 Nissan Ultra have been left in the driver-side door for the past three days and not one person has tried to steal it.

10. Thailand’s Ministry of Education has ordered all schools in Bangkok to close for the remainder of the week due to dangerous levels of air pollution. When asked to comment, U.S. Secretary of Eduction, Betsy Devos said, “There’s place called Bangkok?”

11. Stacey Abrams, who narrowly lost Georgia’s recent gubernatorial election, will deliver the Democrats’ response to President Trump’s State of the Union address this Tuesday. That story, a politician, best known for losing the popular vote, will be giving a speech on Tuesday and Stacey Abrams will also be giving a speech.

12. Last week, Starbucks CEO Howard Schultz said he is considering running for president. As a result, Russia has already started planting spies to gather dirt:

13. A man in Japan claims to have a dated a cockroach he named Lisa for over a year. Unfortunately, the relationship ended abruptly the night they went dancing:

14. According to tech website Gizmodo, President Trump posted altered photos of himself to Twitter and Instagram that made him look thinner. Gizmodo became suspicious when they saw a photo where Trump’s entire body fit in frame.

15. According to a new study, a parasite found in cat urine has been linked to schizophrenia. “But just cat pee, right?” asked President Trump.

April 11, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. Someone is trying to sell an amphibious Lamborghini on eBay for over $26,000. Because you’re penis doesn’t stop being small just because you’re no longer on land.

2. On Friday, a 27-year-old California man was rescued by a helicopter after he climbed a cliff to propose to his girlfriend. He wasn’t in danger of falling, the helicopter pilot just knew the man’s girlfriend and decided to save him.

3. A Miami father was given five months probation for allowing his 16-year-old daughter to repeatedly dance at a local strip club. But how good of a stripper could she really be if her father is still in her life?

4. Police in New York are searching for a teenage girl who stabbed a 13-year-old boy on the subway after a friend of his called her ugly. So, you’ve been warned, police sketch artist.

5. A bride-to-be has started an online campaign that has gone viral to get actor Tom Hanks to give her away on her wedding day. And, even though she didn’t request it, Peter Scolari will be parking cars.

6. Musician Vince Neil and actor Nic Cage got into a fight in Las Vegas Thursday. First the “National Treasure” movies, now Neil, what’s it with Cage taking on ancient relics?

7. A North Carolina bakery has introduced a blunt-shaped doughnut in honor of rapper Snoop Dogg’s performance at a local music festival. This on the heels of the special donut the bakery made for rapper Rick Ross, which was just a bunch of donuts put together to make a larger donut.

8. In an interview with TMZ Sports on Friday, free-agent quarterback Johnny Manziel said he hasn’t been drinking while in Los Angeles. Which makes sense because he gave the interview in Kansas City.

9. On Friday, a key Donald Trump campaign strategist said “winning isn’t enough, it’s about how you win and how much you win.” “0 for 3,” said Jeb.

10. Bernie Sanders’ campaign announced Friday that the Democratic presidential candidate will visit Vatican City this week. And hopefully the 74-year-old Jew and the Pope will walk into a bar so we can finally hear how that joke ends.

March 28, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. On Friday, before a spring training game in Arizona, two live bear cubs visited the Chicago Cubs’ clubhouse. Not to be outdone, Queen Elizabeth went 3 for 4 with a RBI for the Royals:
royals

2. The home of former New England Patriots star tight end and convicted murderer Aaron Hernandez is on the market for $1.5 million. Man, if those walls could talk, they’d be taken out back and shot.

3. A Georgia teacher has resigned after surveillance video appears to show her knocking a special needs student to the floor in a school hallway. But, in the teacher’s defense, it’s gotta be pretty hard to tell the difference between the special needs and regular students in Georgia.

4. According to a new report, kids have brought more than 185 guns into American schools since the start of this academic year. But, to be fair, most of them were brought in for Show and Don’t You Fucking Tell Anybody.

5. A Texas house that is decorated with thousands of beer cans its owner consumed over the past twenty years is for sale. It’s a two bedroom, two bath, but, when you drink that much beer, every room becomes a bathroom.

6. A group of swingers in England will hold a mass orgy at a local resort to help raise cash for a cancer charity. Although most of the money raised will go towards hosing down the resort afterwards.

7. More than 23,000 people have signed a petition to allow firearms inside the Republican National Convention being held in Cleveland in July. What could go right?

8. On Friday, the Rolling Stones became the first major international rock band to play in Cuba, drawing hundreds of thousands of people to a free concert at a decrepit sports complex. Although, compared to the band, the sports complex looked brand new.

9. A former-single mother in Australia has married the sperm donor that contributed to the conception of her child. Which should make for a very confusing ‘birds and bees’ talk when that kid gets older.

10. Authorities in China’s capital will extend leave from work for new mothers and fathers, state media reported on Friday, to encourage families to have more children. Of course, once the six month leave is up the mother, father and child must go back to work.

September 28, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. On Thursday night, a woman gave birth to a baby girl at Petco Field in San Diego during a Padres baseball game. Giving a new, graphic meaning to the phrase “seventh inning stretch.”

2. Donald Trump drew boos from religious conservatives Friday after he called Marco Rubio a “clown.” Which seems like a pretty big political misstep by Trump, since, before that comment, I’m pretty sure he had the clown vote locked-up.

3. Republican presidential hopeful Ted Cruz suggested Friday that the U.S. might have to kill the Iranian ayatollah if the country tries to acquire a nuclear weapon. Although, when that time comes, if Cruz is in a position of power to make that decision, I think I’ll be in favor of a nuclear war anyway.

4. Health officials in Kansas City, Missouri are urging resident to take preventative measures after a big spike in cases of infectious diarrhea. “Well, that explains the smell,” said St. Louis.

5. Last week, Speaker of the House John Boehner abruptly announced that he will be leaving Congress at the end of October. The timing of his resignation will allow Boehner to seamlessly transition to his next job as a Halloween jack-o-latern.

6. On Friday, raucous cheers broke out at the right-wing Values Voter Summit in Washington D.C. when it was announced that Speaker of the House John Boehner will be stepping down from his post. Which means Bobby Jindal still has one chance to get a room full of conservatives to cheer for something that he did.

7. China’s President Xi Jinping told the U.N. on Sunday that all Chinese women have the opportunity to excel. Which I’m pretty sure is the same thing they told the contestants at the beginning of the Hunger Games.

8. According to a new study, men who perceive themselves to be less masculine according to traditional gender norms of society, and are feeling stressed about it, may be more prone to violent behavior. “That’s one route,” said Caitlyn Jenner.

9. A salmonella-tainted salad served at an Arizona prison caused 241 inmates to become ill this month. Although the prisoners said it wasn’t nearly the worst tossed salad they were forced to eat this year.

10. Retired two-time NBA MVP Steve Nash has joined the Golden State Warriors as a player development consultant. “We have two questions,” said the New York Knicks, “what’s a ‘player development consultant’ and what’s an ‘MVP?’”

October 21, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. On Monday, the U.S. government approved the sale to Iraq of $600 million in tank ammunition. But, don’t worry, we’ll get most of it back for free when they shoot it at us.

2. Multiple California radio stations have pledged not to play Lorde’s song “Royals” so as not to offend San Francisco Giants fans during the team’s World Series match-up with the Kansas City Royals. The stations also pledged not to play any Nickelback so as to not to offend anyone with ears.

3. The National Football League has filed a lawsuit on Monday in an attempt to block New Jersey from offering legalized wagering on sporting events. And, in unrelated news, the NFL has gone missing.

4. A Florida mother wants Toys-R-Us to remove “Breaking Bad” action figures from its shelves because they are not suitable for children. And she’s got a point, Florida kids shouldn’t be exposed to the world of meth cooking unless it’s career day at school.

5. Monica Lewinsky told an audience in Philadelphia on Monday that her new mission in life is to end cyberbullying. Said Lewinsky, “I guess you could call me a missionary, in fact, Bill used to suggest that all the time.”

6. Yesterday was the first day Apple Pay, which lets consumers use their iPhones to pay for items, was made available to the public. And, suspiciously, the majority of purchases made on the first day were for U2’s new album.

7. Actor Charlie Sheen and adult film star Brett Rossi have called off their engagement. The two met a year ago on the set of her film “Two Hundred and a Half Men.”

8. A California woman who tried to sneak into the home of an ex-boyfriend through his chimney got struck and had to be rescued by firefighters. “He’s married now, so back off bitch,” said Mrs. Claus.

9. A man in New Brunswick claims to have found a dead mouse at the bottom of his McDonald’s cup of coffee. Said the employee who served him, “That’s weird, I’m pretty sure I put two of them in there.”

10. Speaking to workers at the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau in Washington on Friday, President Obama revealed that his credit card was declined while dining out in New York City last month. Which begs the question, what kind of restaurant makes the President of the United States pay for a meal?

April 14, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. Under a bill approved Friday by the Florida House of Representatives, people with no criminal record would be allowed to carry a firearm without a permit. That story again, everyone in Florida will need a permit to carry a firearm.

2. According to a recent study, men who get treatment for alcoholism don’t just improve their own health, they also transform their children’s home life for the better. Because now they get to live with their mother.

3. Seven chimpanzees used an improvised ladder from a tree to scale a wall and briefly escape their enclosure at the Kansas City Zoo last week. The chimps voluntarily returned to their enclosure once they realized that what lay over the wall was Kansas City.

4. President Obama and wife Michelle reported half a million dollars in income for 2013. “That’s adorable,” said Mitt Romney.

5. Health and Human Services Secretary Kathleen Sebelius, who resigned last week, says she made the decision to leave and told President Obama that staying on “wasn’t an option.” Said Obama, “Yeah, that’s what I meant by ‘You’re fired.'”

6. The UN Security Council had an urgent, unscheduled meeting Sunday night to discuss the worsening situation in Ukraine and not, as previously reported, to watch “Mad Men.”

7. A North Carolina man who admitted to sucking a woman’s toes was sentenced to jail last week. The man agreed to prison time after rejecting the state’s plea deal of coaching the New York Jets.

8. Last week, Kevin Federline welcomed his sixth child into the world. And although each child has been with a different woman, they all have at least one thing in common, Federline’s inability to meet his child support payments.

9. Last week, Kevin Federline welcomed his sixth child into the world. I’m guessing he keeps having kids so he has an excuse for all that excess baby weight.

10. Last week, KISS, Hall & Oates and Nirvana all celebrated their induction into the Music Hall of Fame by performing some of their most famous songs. So, for at least one night, Kurt Cobain was the luckiest member of Nirvana.