October 21, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. On Monday, the U.S. government approved the sale to Iraq of $600 million in tank ammunition. But, don’t worry, we’ll get most of it back for free when they shoot it at us.

2. Multiple California radio stations have pledged not to play Lorde’s song “Royals” so as not to offend San Francisco Giants fans during the team’s World Series match-up with the Kansas City Royals. The stations also pledged not to play any Nickelback so as to not to offend anyone with ears.

3. The National Football League has filed a lawsuit on Monday in an attempt to block New Jersey from offering legalized wagering on sporting events. And, in unrelated news, the NFL has gone missing.

4. A Florida mother wants Toys-R-Us to remove “Breaking Bad” action figures from its shelves because they are not suitable for children. And she’s got a point, Florida kids shouldn’t be exposed to the world of meth cooking unless it’s career day at school.

5. Monica Lewinsky told an audience in Philadelphia on Monday that her new mission in life is to end cyberbullying. Said Lewinsky, “I guess you could call me a missionary, in fact, Bill used to suggest that all the time.”

6. Yesterday was the first day Apple Pay, which lets consumers use their iPhones to pay for items, was made available to the public. And, suspiciously, the majority of purchases made on the first day were for U2’s new album.

7. Actor Charlie Sheen and adult film star Brett Rossi have called off their engagement. The two met a year ago on the set of her film “Two Hundred and a Half Men.”

8. A California woman who tried to sneak into the home of an ex-boyfriend through his chimney got struck and had to be rescued by firefighters. “He’s married now, so back off bitch,” said Mrs. Claus.

9. A man in New Brunswick claims to have found a dead mouse at the bottom of his McDonald’s cup of coffee. Said the employee who served him, “That’s weird, I’m pretty sure I put two of them in there.”

10. Speaking to workers at the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau in Washington on Friday, President Obama revealed that his credit card was declined while dining out in New York City last month. Which begs the question, what kind of restaurant makes the President of the United States pay for a meal?

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