10 Best Jokes of the Week (as decided by me, I don’t care about your opinion)

1. According to controversial new regulations, female athletes with as much testosterone in their blood as some men are not allowed to compete in women’s sporting events. Said one WNBA fan, “Those were women!?!”

2. The Vatican announced that it will offer homeless people in Rome free showers, haircuts and shaves when new facilities open next month. Not to be outdone, to tackle their own homeless problem, New York City announced a program to buy all its homeless residents one-way tickets to Rome.

3. According to reports, Americans will spend $700 million on their pets this Valentine’s Day. Said your dog, “This is moving a little fast, what ever happened to man’s best FRIEND?”

4. Yesterday, McDonald’s announced that CEO Don Thompson will retire at the end of the February at the very young age of 51. Or, as McDonald’s customers think of it, the very old age of 51.

5. A man who dresses as the comic superhero Mr. Incredible has been sentenced to 3 years probation after pleading guilty to attacking a woman costumed as Batgirl on Hollywood Boulevard. The most surprising part of that story is a man who dresses as Mr. Incredible for a living wasn’t already on probation.

6. Yesterday, the Hollywood Reporter revealed that actresses Kristen Wiig, Melissa McCarthy, Kate McKinnon and Leslie Jones have agreed to appear in the all-female “Ghostbusters” reboot. No word on who will play which part, but I have a pretty good guess as to who will be filling the Ernie Hudson role.

7. A drone crashed landed on the White House lawn early Monday morning. “Good to know I’m not the only robotic droid who failed to make it all the way to the White House,” said Mitt Romney.

8. According to a new study, kids who were raised in a Romanian institution for abandoned children have smaller heads, smaller brains and different white matter structure in their brains than kids who were moved into high-quality foster care at an early age. Or, maybe, no one wanted to adopt the stupid kid with the small, creepy head.

9. According to researchers, twenty-somethings who were born prematurely are less likely to move in with a lover or have sex than their peers who were born at full term. So it should come as no surprise that Paris Hilton was born twenty weeks after her due date.

10. According to a new study, women should wait until after sex to urinate, because peeing beforehand may lead to a urinary tract infection. “Well, there is a third option,” said R Kelly.

January 30, 2015 -Monologue Jokes

1. According to controversial new regulations, female athletes with as much testosterone in their blood as some men are not allowed to compete in women’s sporting events. Said one WNBA fan, “Those were women!?!”

2. After a series of flops, Johnny Depp is looking for new management. So I guess you can fire a dartboard.

3. Rapper Vanilla Ice is set to play Mark Twain in Adam Sandler’s next movie. Said Sandler, “Fuck Mark Twain.”

4. Rapper Vanilla Ice is set to play Mark Twain in Adam Sandler’s next movie. “Do you spell ‘Vanilla’ with one L or two?” said the guy who engraves the Razzie Awards.

5. On Wednesday, singer Justin Bieber posted a heartfelt video on social media apologizing for acting arrogant or conceited. And by “acting arrogant or conceited” I assume he meant “making music.”

6. On Thursday, attorneys for Aaron Hernandez argued that the former New England Patriot had no reason to kill the semiprofessional football player he is charged with murdering, but was targeting by law enforcement because of his fame. And, with arguments like that, it won’t be too long until the attorneys become the next target.

7. On Thursday, SuperBowl halftime entertainment Katy Perry hinted that her performance may contain live sharks. Perry said the plan to use the animals has been in the works for a long time since she was sure the sharks’ arch rivals, the Jets, would never make the SuperBowl.

8. The Vatican announced that it will offer homeless people in Rome free showers, haircuts and shaves when new facilities open next month. Not to be outdone, to tackle their own homeless problem, New York City announced a program to buy all its homeless residents one-way tickets to Rome.

9. Cable company Comcast changed the name of a customer on its bill from Ricardo Brown to Asshole Brown. Which is either an insult to Brown or a clean bill of health from his proctologist.

10. Many New Yorkers are angry at meteorologists for promising more inches of snow than actually fell during this week’s blizzard. “Imagine how we feel,” said the meteorologists’ wives.

11. GoDaddy has pulled its upcoming SuperBowl commercial after PETA complained the ad was cruel to animals. Proving once again that no one, not even PETA, cares about Danica Patrick.

12. Attorney General nominee Loretta Lynch was questioned by Republicans on immigration, marijuana and even polygamy on Wednesday during a Senate Judiciary Committee confirmation hearing. Said Mitch McConnell, “What is your stance on you, me, 1/8 of weed, Mexico and a couple of chicks?”

13. According to reports, Americans will spend $700 million on their pets this Valentine’s Day. “Nibbles is worth every penny,” said Richard Gere.

14. Former Texas Governor Rick Perry said a criminal prosecution against him for abuse of power had not affected his decision on whether to run for the presidency in 2016. It’s good to see, even in times of turmoil, Perry’s decision-making ability is still terrible.

15. Billionaire investor Carl Ichan said on Wednesday that he sold Netflix shares too soon, admitting that his son Brett was correct to believe the stock was undervalued. Which may explain why Ichan has bought all the remaining tickets to Coachella.

16. Police are looking for a 12-year-old girl who was allegedly involved in a $46-million diamond heist at a jewelry store in Hong Kong. Authorities said they haven’t seen a girl that young with a diamond that big since wedding season in Arkansas.

17. Alec Baldwin has signed a deal to pen a memoir due out in 2016. Alec said he plans on including pictures and pop-up features to make the book more appealing to kids and Stephen Baldwin.

January 29, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. According to reports, Americans will spend $700 million on their pets this Valentine’s Day. Said your dog, “This is moving a little fast, what ever happened to man’s best FRIEND?”

2. Yesterday, McDonald’s announced that CEO Don Thompson will retire at the end of the February at the very young age of 51. Or, as McDonald’s customers think of it, the very old age of 51.

3. On Wednesday, Cuban President Raul Castro said his country will not accept any interference from the U.S. in its internal affairs. Speaking from experience, this is usually the time your ex-girlfriend says, “Oh, now I remember why we broke up in the first place.”

4. A bid to end Arkansas’ practice of honoring civil rights leader Martin Luther King Jr. and Confederate General Robert E. Lee on the same day failed in a state legislative committee on Wednesday. Said an Arkansas state congressman, “We didn’t want to separate the holidays so much as just get rid of one of them.”

5. A Los Angeles judge on Wednesday gave a prosecutor more time to investigate whether actress Lindsay Lohan failed to complete her community service requirements in a reckless driving case. Lohan hasn’t made a movie in over five years, so if that’s not community service, then I don’t know what is.

6. On Wednesday, 82-year-old actor Joel Grey, best known for his Oscar-winning performance in “Cabaret,” publicly revealed that he is gay. Fortunately he was surrounded by actors when he made the announcement so they were able to act surprised.

7. Astronomers have discovered a much larger planet-like body named J1467b with rings 200 times larger than Saturn’s. “Well, I’m never gonna hear the end of this,” said Saturn’s fiancee.

8. On Wednesday, Bill Gates admitted that he feels “pretty stupid” that doesn’t know any foreign languages. Although, from the looks of him, I’d be willing to bet he knows Klingon.

9. A cat in Florida is on the mend after clawing his way back from the dead, surfacing five days after he was hit by a car and buried. So let that be a lesson to all of you with grandparents in Florida, make sure to bury them extra deep, just in case.

10. On Wednesday, Iran announced that it will allow foreign women to watch men play volleyball when it hosts an international championship this year, but Iranian women will still be banned. Although, if Iran is truly serious about punishing its women, they’ll make them watch men’s volleyball.

January 28, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. President Obama told CNN the type of small drone that crashed on the White House grounds on Monday is available at Radio Shack which illustrates the need for more restrictions over the new technology. Although, finding a Radio Shack that is still in business seems like a pretty good restriction.

2. Doctors for student health centers at ten University of California campuses staged a strike on Tuesday. Said students who were turned away at the closed health centers, “Well, I guess we’re having this baby.”

3. As a result of vandalism, New Orleans’ oldest cemetery will soon be closed to visitors without familial ties to the deceased. So now there are only two ways to get into that cemetery.

4. A man who dresses as the comic superhero Mr. Incredible has been sentenced to 3 years probation after pleading guilty to attacking a woman costumed as Batgirl on Hollywood Boulevard. The most surprising part of that story is a man who dresses as Mr. Incredible for a living wasn’t already on probation.

5. Oscar-nominated actor Benedict Cumberbatch has apologized for referring to black actors as “colored” in a recent appearance on a U.S. talk show. But, on the plus side, now we’ll get to hear Al Sharpton try to pronounce “Benedict Cumberbatch.”

6. Oscar-nominated actor Benedict Cumberbatch has apologized for referring to black actors as “colored” in a recent appearance on a U.S. talk show. Said Cumberbatch, “I’m so sorry, what I meant to say was I don’t think African-Americans should use the same water fountain as us.”

7. Ahead of this week’s anticipated blizzard, New Yorkers took to CraigsList to find a “blizzard buddy” for “snuggling.” The offer is perfect for anyone who ever wanted to be murdered by a stranger in a snowstorm.

8. Former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton has agreed to testify in front of the House’s committee investigating Benghazi. Or, as FoxNews reported it, “OhMyGod!!!OhMyGod!!!OhMyGod!!!”

9. Yesterday, the Hollywood Reporter revealed that actresses Kristen Wiig, Melissa McCarthy, Kate McKinnon and Leslie Jones have agreed to appear in the all-female “Ghostbusters” reboot. No word on who will play which part, but I have a pretty good guess as to who will be filling the Ernie Hudson role.

10. Conservative political advocacy groups supported by the billionaire Koch brothers plan to spend $889 million in the 2016 U.S. elections. Said the Koch brothers, “You have no idea how much money it takes to make Rand Paul likable.”

January 27, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. A drone crashed landed on the White House lawn early Monday morning. “Good to know I’m not the only robotic droid who failed to make all the way to the White House,” said Mitt Romney.

2. According to a new study, kids who were raised in a Romanian institution for abandoned children have smaller heads, smaller brains and different white matter structure in their brains than kids who were moved into high-quality foster care at an early age. Or, maybe, no one wanted to adopt the stupid kid with the small, creepy head.

3. Team Irvin beat Team Carter 32-28 in the NFL Pro Bowl Sunday night. So if you had Team Carter and the points, congratulations, you have a gambling problem.

4. An Oregon man who claims his rights were violated last year when he was arrested outside the federal courthouse in downtown Portland for playing his violin in the nude is suing the police department for $1.1 million. The police report noted the man had a tiny instrument and also a violin.

5. According to researchers, twenty-somethings who were born prematurely are less likely to move in with a lover or have sex than their peers who were born at full term. So it should come as no surprise that Paris Hilton was born twenty weeks after her due date.

6. A woman in China is being prosecuted for selling her newborn baby for $7,000. “What can I get for a slightly used baby?” said Casey Anthony.

7. According to a new study, women should wait until after sex to urinate, because peeing beforehand may lead to a urinary tract infection. “Well, there is a third option,” said R Kelly.

8. Kentucky Fried Chicken is now offering a hotdog in a bun made out of fried chicken. It’s part of KFC’s new My Life Has No Value Meal.

9. In a recent interview, Johnny Depp was critical of actors who become musicians, saying “the whole thing just makes me sick.” Oh, sorry, that quote was actually a review of the movie “Mortdecai.”

10. New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady said on Monday his feelings have been hurt during the NFL’s investigation into his team’s use of deflated balls. Lucky for him, the best cure for hurt feelings is a hot model wife and millions of dollars.

January 26, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. New York City is bracing for a potentially historic blizzard that is expected to dump up to three feet of snow today and tomorrow. The city hasn’t experienced such a dramatic whiteout since it hosted the Republican National Convention in 2004.

2. The New York Times reported that the Winklevoss twins are attempting to create the first regulated Bitcoin exchange in the U.S. “That’s not a bad idea,” said Mark Zuckerberg.

3. According to a new report, there are still five people alive today who were born in the 1800s. Although their stories of remembering when gas only cost $2 are no longer that impressive.

4. Terry Hendrix, currently incarcerated in Colorado and a serial filer of frivolous lawsuits, is suing the NFL for nearly $84 billion for the officiating decision that overturned Dez Bryant’s catch in the Cowboy’s playoff loss to the Packers. “He has my number, right?” said Gloria Allred.

5. F-16 fighter jets escorted two passenger planes into Atlanta’s Hartsfield-Jackson International Airport on Saturday after a bomb threat made on Twitter was deemed credible. If we’re taking every bomb threat made on Twitter seriously, then, according to my feed, “Mordecai” is in a lot of trouble.

6. Alec Baldwin has signed a deal to pen a memoir due out in 2016. So if you’re interested in reading a book all about Alec Baldwin you’re most likely Alec Baldwin.

7. On Friday, at a gathering of Republicans in Iowa, former Alaskan governor Sarah Palin said she is “seriously interested” in running for president in 2016. “Once again, I cannot express how truly sorry I am,” said John McCain.

8. Spanish tennis player Feliciano Lopez apologized over the weekend to the ball-boy he struck in the groin with a 124 mph serve at the Australian Open. Said the ball-boy, “What a great guy, I’d name my first-born after him if I were physically able to have children.”

9. The Egyptian Museum in Cairo acknowledged on Saturday that it was forced to glue the mask of King Tutankhamen back together after its beard broke off. “Luckily for me, I can only lose my beard through divorce,” said John Travolta.

10. A documentary on former President Bill Clinton by director Martin Scorsese has been indefinitely shelved. Said Clinton, “Like most films I shoot, looks like Hillary’s not gonna see this one either.”

10 Best Jokes of the Week (as decided by me, I don’t care about your opinion)

1. According to a new study, smarter people tend to use iPhones. Although that number dwindles dramatically if the iPhone is attached to a selfie-stick.

2. The World Games, an event held every four years that showcases more than 35 sports not on the Olympic program, will be hosted in 2021 by Birmingham, Alabama. So if that’s not motivation to get your sport into the Olympics by 2021, then I don’t know what is.

3. During Tuesday’s State of the Union, President Obama made history by using the words “transgender,” “lesbian” and “bi-sexual.” “That can’t be true, I’m pretty sure I mentioned lesbians a time or two,” said Bill Clinton.

4. Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal was criticized on Wednesday by his state’s two largest newspapers over contentious remarks referring to Muslim-controlled “no-go zone” areas in European cities. The most shocking part of that story is that there are two newspapers in Louisiana.

5. According to reports, ride-sharing company Uber has privately raised $1.6 billion. They did so by giving four customers a ride while it was raining.

6. According to a new study, people who live near trees are richer, smarter and healthier. So stop telling me to take the Christmas tree to the curb, Shelia.

7. A new study shows, families with under-immunized or unvaccinated children tend to cluster together. Yeah, it’s called a hospital.

8. According to a new study, the most accurate predictions of which movies the U.S. Library of Congress will deem “culturally, historically or aesthetically significant” are not the views of the critics or fans but a simple algorithm applied to a database. “So you’re telling me there’s a chance,” said Gigli.

9. On Monday, the Pope said Catholics should not feel they have to breed “like rabbits” because of the church’s ban on contraception. “Not cool, dude,” said the Easter Bunny.

10. An Instagram photo of Miss Lebanon poising with other Miss Universe contestants, including Miss Israel, is causing an uproar in Lebanon. They’re gonna be really pissed when they find out the Miss Israel’s talent is drawing pictures of Mohammad.

January 23, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. According to a new study, smarter people tend to use iPhones. Although that number dwindles dramatically if the iPhone is attached to a selfie-stick.

2. Potential Republican presidential candidates Jeb Bush and Mitt Romney met privately in Utah on Thursday. Thus, setting a record for the whitest sentence I have ever written.

3. According to a recent poll, three out of five voters in New Jersey do not think Governor Chris Christie would make a good president. Or, as President Obama now calls those kind of numbers, a ringing endorsement.

4. The British government plans to introduce a law before May forcing tobacco companies to sell cigarettes in plain packages without any branding. Thus, leaving kids on their own to decide which ones are the coolest.

5. On Thursday, the Los Angeles Lakers confirmed that five-time NBA champion Kobe Bryant has torn his right rotator cuff. Said Kobe, “Don’t worry, I can always use my left hand to not pass the ball to my teammates.”

6. Four-time NASCAR Sprint Cup champion Jeff Gordon said on Thursday the upcoming 2015 season will be his last. Gordon said he looks forward to spending more time with his family and making righthand turns.

7. The World Games, an event held every four years that showcases more than 35 sports not on the Olympic program, will be hosted in 2021 by Birmingham, Alabama. So if that’s not motivation to get your sport into the Olympics by 2021, then I don’t know what is.

8. Earlier this week, a baby was born on a transatlantic flight bound for New York. Said the baby, “I had more legroom before.”

9. Russia hit back on Wednesday at President Obama’s State of the Union speech, saying it showed the U.S. believes it is “number one.” Said American, “Yeah, have you seen ‘Rocky?’”

10. Microsoft surprised the tech world on Wednesday with a prototype hologram visor that can bring the Minecraft video game, Skype calls and even the landscape of Mars to three-dimensional life. And by Minecraft, Skype and Mars I mean porn.

11. Nearly 130,000 pages of declassified Air Force files on UFO investigations and sightings are now available online. So finally you’ll be able to read crazy, outlandish theories on the internet.

12. Gunmaker PARA USA has called for an industry-wide boycott of movies starring Liam Neeson after the actor criticized U.S. gun policy during a recent press tour. And I don’t know who to side with because I think the U.S. does need to reform its gun laws, but I also don’t want to see “Taken 3.”

13. CBS Sports basketball analyst Greg Anthony has been suspended by the network after he was arrested over the weekend on a charge of soliciting prostitution. “Wow, things have really changed since I left CBS,” said Charlie Sheen.

14. Amazon said on Monday it was aiming to produce close to twelve movies a year for theatrical release which would then be available on its Prime video service within two months. Unless, of course, North Korea has a problem with it.

January 22, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. According to a new survey, most people trust Google more as a source for current events than traditional news outlets. While the most trusted source for non-current events is still your mom.

2. During Tuesday’s State of the Union, President Obama made history by using the words “transgender,” “lesbian” and “bi-sexual.” “That can’t be true, I’m pretty sure I mentioned lesbians a time or two,” said Bill Clinton.

3. Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal was criticized on Wednesday by his state’s two largest newspapers over contentious remarks referring to Muslim-controlled “no-go zone” areas in European cities. The most shocking part of that story is that there are two newspapers in Louisiana.

4. The first book published by a longtime Guantanamo Bay inmate that describes torture, humiliation and despair during 13 years in captivity went on sale in the U.S. yesterday. It should be the perfect stopgap for your aunt until the “50 Shades of Grey” movie is released.

5. According to reports, ride-sharing company Uber has privately raised $1.6 billion. They did so by giving four customers a ride while it was raining.

6. Yesterday, Michael Jordan was named Charlotte Business Journal’s Business Person of the Year. This marks the first and probably last time the Journal decided its Business Person of the Year via a slam dunk contest.

7. For the past month, a 17-year-old has been posing as an OBGYN at a Florida hospital. Authorities became suspicious of the teen when he thought a pap smear was the guitarist from the Foo Fighters.

8. Hoping to boost Chicago’s chances as the site for President Obama’s future library, Mayor Rahm Emanuel on Wednesday introduced an ordinance that would allow for the transfer of park land for the site. So the place where homeless people used to pee will become the place where homeless people pee.

9. According to an upcoming New York Times report, the U.S. Justice Department is about to close the investigation into the shooting death of an unarmed black teenager in Ferguson and clear the white police office of any wrongdoing. And, in unrelated news, the New York Times has decided to stop delivery in Missouri for the next couple of days.

10. According to a new study, women with large butts produce more intelligent children. So get ready for MENSA scholar Sir Mix-a-Lot Jr.

January 21, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. Professional golfer Dustin Johnson, who reportedly had been suspended from the PGA Tour for a positive drug test last summer, told Sports Illustrated that he does not have a cocaine problem. Adding, “Have you ever seen how boring golf is? Problem? No, I have a cocaine solution.”

2. According to a new study, people who live near trees are richer, smarter and healthier. So stop telling me to take the Christmas tree to the curb, Shelia.

3. Facebook said on Tuesday that it has taken steps to clamp down on “hoaxes” and fake news stories by allowing users to flag stories as “purposefully fake or deceitful news.” Facebook settled on the wording for the new flag since its first choice of “Fair and Balanced” was already taken.

4. According to a new report, with 1.35 billion users, Facebook would rank as the world’s second-most populous nation if it were a country. And if Facebook was really a nation, it would mean that North Korea would not be the only country in the would with a diminutive dictator hell-bent on world domination.

5. According to a new study of married couples, people are more likely to start working out and lose weight if their domestic partner also makes a healthy change. Which makes me think Mary Pat Christie may have a second, secret family.

6. British newspaper The Sun has ended a 45-year tradition of picturing topless models on page three. And started a new tradition of featuring topless models on the front page.

7. One of the guests at last night’s State of the Union address was an undocumented immigrant. Said the immigrant, “Everyone been’s so nice. For instance, every single Republican has offered me a ride home after the speech.”

8. Comedy Central announced yesterday that it will roast Justin Bieber on March 7th. But don’t get too excited, that just means they’re gonna tell some jokes about him.

9. Officials in Ohio are considering putting birth control in bird feed to cut down the pigeon population. “That’s not a bad idea,” said the people who live next-door to the “19 Kids and Counting” family.

10. On Tuesday, the Russian Anti-Doping Agency banned five Olympic walk champions for doping. So I guess it is possible for that “sport” to get even less exciting.