10 Best Jokes of the Week (as decided by me, I don’t care about your opinion)

1. On Thursday, Texas Governor Rick Perry criticized state senator Wendy Davis who thwarted a Republican proposal to restrict abortion, saying she had not learned from her own experience as a teenage mother born to a single mother. And apparently Perry didn’t learn from his own experience at the 2012 GOP Presidential debates to never talk again.

2. A day after deciding two major cases on gay marriage, the Supreme Court declined on Thursday to take up two more cases on the issue. In declining to hear the cases, the Supreme Court quoted actress Katie Holmes by saying, “Alright, enough with the gay stuff already.”

3. Yesterday morning, Paula Deen said she’s only used the N-word once. So, if anyone’s keeping track, Deen has problems with the N-word and the word “once.”

4. Over the weekend, Walle, a Beagle-Bassett hound mix, was crowned 2013′s World’s Ugliest Dog. Walle is so ugly that other dogs sniff his face.

5. Musician Andrew W.K. set a new world record after playing drums nonstop for 24 hours during MTV’s O Music Awards this week. The previous record was 22 hours, held by the guy who lives in the apartment next to me.

6. Yesterday, the New England Patriots released tight-end Aaron Hernandez only hours after he was arrested and charged with first degree murder. Proving that it you want to commit murder and continue playing football in the NFL you better be playing linebacker for the Ravens.

7. Rapper Tupac Shakur’s songs are set to be featured in an upcoming musical, “Holler if Ya Hear Me,” which will hit Broadway in 2014. So if Tupac doesn’t come out of hiding to stop this then he’s definitely dead.

8. Yesterday, a Los Angeles prosecutor charged singer Chris Brown with a hit-and-run after he was involved in a minor traffic accident. Say what you will about Brown, but this is a vast improvement over his usual hit-and-hit-again.

9. Former Republican Presidential candidate Rick Santorum has been hired to run a movie studio. As a studio head you have to make the tough decisions and say “no” to movies all the time, which may be hard for Santorum since he believes movies begin at concept.

10. A collection of items used in the investigation of former White House intern Monica Lewinsky’s sexual encounters with then U.S. President Bill Clinton are set to be auctioned off online. Experts say it is the first time in the history of the internet that if you buy a dress online, you can’t return it for being stained.

Monologue Jokes – June 28, 2013

1. On Thursday, Texas Governor Rick Perry criticized state senator Wendy Davis who thwarted a Republican proposal to restrict abortion, saying she had not learned from her own experience as a teenage mother born to a single mother. And apparently Perry didn’t learn from his own experience at the 2012 GOP Presidential debates to never talk again.

2. Rapper Tupac Shakur’s songs are set to be featured in an upcoming musical, “Holler if Ya Hear Me,” which will hit Broadway in 2014. So if Tupac doesn’t come out of hiding to stop this then he’s definitely dead.

3. “Crossfire” the long-running political debate show that aired on CNN from 1982 thru 2005 is getting a reboot with former House Speaker Newt Gingrich as the new host. Here’s hoping they use real bullets this time around.

4. Sesame Workshop, the nonprofit that produces Sesame Street, has announced that it will be cutting 10 percent of its staff. Looks like Oscar’s getting some roommates.

5. The U.S. Senate gave final approval Thursday to a bill that promises to overhaul immigration laws, creating a path to citizenship for millions of undocumented residents. Just don’t tell them that that path leads them back to Mexico.

6. This week, Texas executed its 500th prisoner since reinstating the death penalty in 1976. And that doesn’t even count the times the Patriots played the Texans or the Cowboys and Aaron Hernandez was in town.

7. A day after deciding two major cases on gay marriage, the Supreme Court declined on Thursday to take up two more cases on the issue. In declining to hear the cases, the Supreme Court quoted actress Katie Holmes by saying, “Alright, enough with the gay stuff already.”

8. Singer Stevie Wonder will give a concert in Marrakesh today, honoring his promise to perform if an international treaty boosted access to books for blind people worldwide. So if you see Stevie wandering around your town today be sure to welcome him to Marrakesh.

9. Apple appears to be testing out motion control features that will let people control their iPhones by moving their heads. Which means you phone will recognize your disappointment when you shake your head after it drops another call.

10. The White House has assembled a shortlist of candidates to succeed Federal Reserve Bank chairman Ben Bernanke. Their top choice, anyone but Ben Bernanke.

Monologue Jokes – June 27, 2013

1. Yesterday, in a landmark decision, the Supreme Court overturned the Defense of Marriage Act which prevented the federal government from recognizing same-sex marriages. Or, as they will now be known, marriages.

2. Yesterday, in a landmark decision, the Supreme Court overturned the Defense of Marriage Act which prevented the federal government from recognizing same-sex marriages. Now that everyone can get married, looks like you’re gonna need to come up with a new excuse as to why you’re waiting to marry your long-time girlfriend, straight guys.

3. Yesterday, in a landmark decision, the Supreme Court overturned the Defense of Marriage Act which prevented the federal government from recognizing same-sex marriages. Great news, now change your profile pic, I’m sick of that red equals sign.

4. Yesterday, in a landmark decision, the Supreme Court overturned the Defense of Marriage Act which prevented the federal government from recognizing same-sex marriages. My condolences to all the straight couples who are having weddings this year, you’re joyous celebration is going to look terrible by comparison.

5. Yesterday, in a landmark decision, the Supreme Court overturned the Defense of Marriage Act which prevented the federal government from recognizing same-sex marriages. “I always cry at weddings,” said every conservative from now on.

6. Yesterday, in a landmark decision, the Supreme Court overturned the Defense of Marriage Act which prevented the federal government from recognizing same-sex marriages. Make sure to reserve a venue for your gay wedding early, I hear the Westboro Baptist Church calendar really fills up fast.

7. Yesterday, the New England Patriots released tight-end Aaron Hernandez only hours after he was arrested and charged with first degree murder. Proving that it you want to commit murder and continue playing football in the NFL you better be playing linebacker for the Baltimore Ravens.

8. In his written dissent to the Supreme Court’s decision to overturn DOMA, Justice Antonin Scalia openly disapproved of gay sex. Which is confusing, because if you don’t approve of gay sex that’s even more reason to support gay marriage.

9. Yesterday morning, Paula Deen said she’s only used the N-word once. So, if anyone’s keeping track, Deen has problems with the N-word and the word “once.”

10. After two years as a runner-up, on Wednesday, Oprah Winfrey was named the most powerful celebrity by Forbes magazine. Although I find it more than a little bit of a coincidence that Steve Forbes was just named Sexiest Man Alive by O magazine.

11. On Wednesday, golfer Tiger Woods did not express confidence about being 100 percent for next month’s British Open, but said his injured elbow would be “good enough.” Adding, “There’s no way I’m gonna miss the bangers and mash, plus I like the food over there, too.”

Monologue Jokes – June 26, 2013

1. Yesterday, a Los Angeles prosecutor charged singer Chris Brown with a hit-and-run after he was involved in a minor traffic accident. Say what you will about Brown, but this is a vast improvement over his usual hit-and-hit-again.

2. On Tuesday, the U.S. Supreme Court gutted a core part of the landmark 1965 Voting Rights Act that protected the rights of black voters, mainly in the South. “Thanks Supreme Court, where were you seven months ago?” said Mitt Romney.

3. On Tuesday, the U.S. Supreme Court gutted a core part of the landmark 1965 Voting Rights Act that protected the rights of black voters, mainly in the South. So it’s been a mixed week for Paula Deen.

4. Tuesday morning, Jamie Deen, son of celebrity chef Paula Deen, attempted to rehabilitate his mother’s image by telling CNN that when he was young his mother bought him a pair of Hank Aaron pajamas. You know, pajamas, the only type of clothing you never wear outside the house.

5. In a recent interview with W magazine, rapper Kanye West said his appearances on girlfriend Kim Kardashian’s reality show were “all for love.” Yes, the love of seeing Kanye West on television.

6. Yesterday, Vladimir Putin announced that he will not extradite fugitive Edward Snowden who, Putin revealed, has been living in the Moscow airport since Sunday. I don’t know what the U.S. government plans to do with Snowden if extradited, but it can’t be worse than living in an airport terminal in Russia.

7. According to a new study, one in five Canadian teenagers reported having sustained a serious head injury, a number higher than previously thought. While five out of five Canadian teenagers talk like they’ve had a serious head injury.

8. Broadway theaters will dim their marquees tonight at 8pm in memory of actor James Gandolfini. As will all McDonalds, Baskin Robbins and Krispy Kremes in the tri-state area.

9. Medieval feces discovered at a castle in Cyprus has revealed that the Crusaders suffered from a bad case of the worms, and had poor hygiene. Also possessing poor hygiene, the people who live at the Cyprus castle that has shit dating back to Medieval times.

10. Former Republican Presidential candidate Rick Santorum has been hired to run a movie studio. As a studio head you have to make the tough decisions and say “no” to movies all the time, which may be hard for Santorum since he believes movies begin at concept.

Monologue Jokes – June 25, 2013

1. Director George Lucas wed his longtime girlfriend, Mellody Hobson, over the weekend. Asked why it took so long to tie the knot, Lucas replied, “I had to make sure she loved me for me, so I made those shitty Star Wars prequels as a test.”

2. Director George Lucas wed his longtime girlfriend, Mellody Hobson, over the weekend. Said Star Wars fans everywhere, “How’d you do that?”

3. Yesterday actor Jim Carrey took to Twitter to distance himself from his upcoming movie “Kick Ass 2,” tweeting, “I did Kickass [months ago] and now in all good conscience I cannot support that level of violence.” Begging the question, what do we have to do to get Carrey to apologize for “Mr. Popper’s Penguins.”

4. A man, who tried to rob a group of people waiting in line to buy the new $180 LeBron James sneakers, was shot and killed when one of the customers pulled a gun. After the incident, those customers went into the shoe store and were robbed by Nike.

5. A panel of judges on Monday sentenced former Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi to seven years in prison for abusing power and having sex with an underage prostitute. “Cancel my trip to Italy,” said every politician in the world.

6. A collection of items used in the investigation of former White House intern Monica Lewinsky’s sexual encounters with then U.S. President Bill Clinton are set to be auctioned off online. Experts say it is the first time in the history of the internet that if you buy a dress online, you can’t return it for being stained.

7. Hip hop artist Fat Joe was sentenced on Monday to four months in federal prison and fined $15,000 for failure to file tax returns on more than $3.3 million in income. Finally answering the question, what ever happened to Fat Joe?

8. Last night, Jimmy Kimmel hosted his late night talk show with a black eye. In an unrelated story, Jay Leno hosted his show with a bruised hand.

9. Yesterday, media outlets and the U.S. government lost track of fugitive Edward Snowden after he didn’t board a flight from Russia to Cuba as expected. I feel like we’re only a few days away from hearing that Snowden is now dating Manti Te’o.

10. U.S. intelligence agencies are worried they do not yet know how much highly sensitive material is in the possession of former NSA contractor Edward Snowden. At what point do we stop calling them “intelligence” agencies?

Monologue Jokes – June 24, 2013

1. Over the weekend, Walle, a Beagle-Bassett hound mix, was crowned 2013’s World’s Ugliest Dog. Walle is so ugly that other dogs sniff his face.

2. Over the weekend, Walle, a Beagle-Bassett hound mix, was crowned 2013’s World’s Ugliest Dog. Better luck next year Snoop.

3. Over the weekend, Walle, a Beagle-Bassett hound mix, was crowned 2013’s World’s Ugliest Dog. They say Walle’s got a face only a mother and Michael Vick could love.

4. France’s Socialist government is aiming to introduce a law preventing online retailer Amazon from offering both discounts and free delivery for books in France, arguing that it amounts to unfair competition. Amazon’s policy also applies to deodorant, but, so far, France seems to be unconcerned about that.

5. Over the weekend, Hillary Clinton told an audience in Toronto that she would like to see a woman President in the U.S. in her lifetime. But just her lifetime.

6. On Friday, the Food Network said they would not renew celebrity chef Paula Deen’s contract. But look on the bright-side Paula, now you’re free to let the N-words fly.

7. Musician Andrew W.K. set a new world record after playing drums nonstop for 24 hours during MTV’s O Music Awards this week. The previous record was 22 hours, held by the guy who lives in the apartment next to me.

8. According to newly published research, plants do complex arithmetic calculations to make sure they have enough food to get them through the night. So I guess saying Snooki looks like a carrot is an off-comparison.

9. According to newly published research, plants do complex arithmetic calculations to make sure they have enough food to get them through the night. So even if Paris Hilton falls into a coma, she’ll never truly be a vegetable.

10. During a pretrial hearing in the Guantanamo War crimes tribunal, an Arabic-English interpreter confused the al Qaeda magazine Inspire with the gentlemen’s magazine Esquire. But, in his defense, it’s easy to confuse Esquire’s tagline “Man at his Best” with Inspire’s tagline “Man against the West.”

10 Best Jokes of the Week (as decided by me, I don’t care about your opinion)

1. Yesterday, portions of a deposition of Food Network star Paula Deen were leaked in which she admitted to using the n-word on multiple occasions. Apparently when Deen said “Whites Only” she wasn’t just cooking eggs.

2. Yesterday, portions of a deposition of Food Network star Paula Deen were leaked in which she admitted to using the n-word on multiple occasions. Deen went on to defend herself by saying, “Well, I’m not gonna learn their names.”

3. During a debate about abortion on Monday, Representative Michael Burgess claimed that he had seen evidence that fetuses masturbate in the womb. Adding, and if they’re twins you gotta hang a sock on the uterus.

4. A 91-year-old Arizona man shattered the world record for the bench press in his age group by lifting 187.2 pounds. The man celebrated by making everyone feel uncomfortable by walking around the locker-room naked.

5. During Sunday night’s Miss America Pageant, Miss Utah gave a rambling, incoherent answer to the question of why women still earn less than their male counterparts in the workplace. And, if you really think about it, she gave a good answer.

6. Last night, Kim Kardashian and Kanye West revealed they named their baby girl North West. Which is weird because according to a recent paparazzi video I saw, Kanye doesn’t have the best sense of direction: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d4C3ijlWcHM

7. Over the weekend, Kim Kardashian gave birth to her baby girl three weeks prematurely. I don’t want to start any rumors, but that may be Kris Humphries’ kid considering how badly that baby wanted out.

8. Congratulations to Kim Kardashian and Kanye West on the birth of their baby girl over the weekend. And congratulations to whatever rehab center they live closest to in 17 years.

9. On Saturday, Iran elected centrist candidate Hassan Rouhani president. Of course being a political centrist in Iran means believing in a woman’s right to freely speak her mind right before she’s stoned to death.

10. Pro-Republican Super PAC America Rising has launched a website entitled StopHillary2016.org, a one-stop shop for all Hillary Clinton haters. “Ah Republicans, always twenty years behind the trends,” said Bill Clinton.

Monologue Jokes – June 21, 2013

1. Pro-Republican Super PAC America Rising has launched a website entitled StopHillary2016.org, a one-stop shop for all Clinton haters. “Ah Republicans, always twenty years behind the trends,” said Bill Clinton.

2. On Wednesday, Cristina Torre, daughter of former baseball player and manager Joe Torre, caught a baby on the street that had fallen from a second story window. Thankfully, Cristina inherited her father’s baseball skills, unfortunately she also inherited his looks.

3. Paris has embarked on a campaign to improve its rude reputation by passing out a booklet entitled “Do you speak Touriste?” to waiters, taxi drivers and sales staff. The booklet contains advice on spending habits and cultural codes of different nationalities and, reportedly, makes for great toilet paper.

4. During a television interview on Thursday, Maine Governor Paul LePage said of recent foe Senator Troy Jackson, “he claims to be for the people, but he’s the first one to give it to the people without Vaseline.” So if you ever find yourself at Governor LePage’s home, don’t use the Vaseline.

5. On Thursday, a World Health Organization report said that more than a third of all women worldwide are victims of physical or sexual violence. And the forecast doesn’t look any better considering Chris Brown is about to embark on a world-tour.

6. Singer/actress Jennifer Lopez was honored for her musical accomplishments on Thursday when she received a star on Hollywood’s Walk of Fame. And, in a fitting tribute, Lassie has the star right behind her.

7. On Thursday, the White House announced the appointment of lawyer Nicole Wong to a new senior advisory position to focus on internet and privacy policy. The appointment is akin to putting up your storm shutters after a hurricane.

8. Last night, the Miami Heat beat the San Antonio Spurs 95 to 88 in Game 7 to clinch the 2013 NBA Championship. But don’t tell Heat fans, they’re anxiously awaiting Game 8.

9. Last night, the Miami Heat beat the San Antonio Spurs 95 to 88 in Game 7 to clinch the 2013 NBA Championship, with LeBron James named as Finals MVP. In a related story, today is expected to be a very busy day for T.V. repairmen in Cleveland.

10. Last night, Kim Kardashian and Kanye West revealed they named their baby girl North West:
-Which is weird because according to a recent paparazzi video I saw, Kanye doesn’t have the best sense of direction: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d4C3ijlWcHM
-Ensuring that people will always hate this kid.
-Smart move, now she won’t even have to change her name when she starts stripping.

Monologue Jokes – June 20, 2013

1. Yesterday, portions of a deposition of Food Network star Paula Deen were leaked in which she admitted to using the n-word on multiple occasions. Apparently when Deen said “Whites Only” she wasn’t just cooking eggs.

2. Yesterday, portions of a deposition of Food Network star Paula Deen were leaked in which she admitted to using the n-word on multiple occasions. Finally black people have a reason to root for diabetes.

3. Yesterday, portions of a deposition of Food Network star Paula Deen were leaked in which she admitted to using the n-word on multiple occasions. It is yet to be seen how this news will affect the sales of the Paula Deen biopic, “Django Rechained.”

4. Yesterday, portions of a deposition of Food Network star Paula Deen were leaked in which she admitted to using the n-word on multiple occasions. Deen went on to defend herself by saying, “Well, I’m not gonna learn their names.”

5. Students at all Boston public high schools will soon be able to obtain free condoms under a newly approved school board policy. Sounds like there’s gonna be a lot more “parking the car,” if you know what I mean. (I mean sex)

6. Students at all Boston public high schools will soon be able to obtain free condoms under a newly approved school board policy. This new policy will be accompanied by the school board approved slogan “When you go to bed, wrap your chowdahead.”

7. Students at all Boston public high schools will soon be able to obtain free condoms under a newly approved school board policy. Next step in the plan, getting Boston teenagers to go to school.

8. Yesterday, fashion designers Dolce and Gabbana were sentenced to one year in prison for tax evasion. Which explains why their next fashion line is set to include Dolce & Gabbana soap-on-a-rope.

9. Yesterday, fashion designers Dolce and Gabbana were sentenced to one year in prison for tax evasion. Looks like the hot color for next season is neon orange.

10. On Tuesday, George Zimmer, CEO of Men’s Warehouse, was fired. Looks like he should have gotten some of those guarantees in writing.

11. On Tuesday, George Zimmer, CEO of Men’s Warehouse, was fired. But look on the bright-side George, I know a place where you can get a nice, affordable suit for your next job interview.

Monologue Jokes – June 19, 2013

1. A bipartisan Senate bill that would create a path to legal status for many of the 11.5 million undocumented immigrants in the U.S. could reduce deficits by $175 billion in 10 years. Said Republicans, “So many conflicting emotions.”

2. A healthcare products company is planning a $37 million investment to expand operations in Venezuela, in a move that should ease an embarrassing national shortage of toilet paper. But until then, only number 1s.

3. On Tuesday, the Pentagon unveiled its plan for integrating women into combat infantry positions. The plan involves telling the women soldiers that the enemy called them fat.

4. Yesterday, the head of the NSA said U.S. surveillance programs had helped disrupt more than 50 possible attacks since 2001. In addition, they also claimed to have prevented the release of hundreds of “Harlem Shake” videos online, so you’re welcome America.

5. Montreal’s interim mayor, Michael Applebaum, was arrested and charged early Monday with 14 criminal counts, including fraud, breach of trust and conspiracy. Sounds like a pretty bad mayor, he wasn’t even charged with possession of crack cocaine, right Toronto?

6. The Republican-controlled House of Representatives on Tuesday passed legislation severely restricting abortions. Bad news for a woman’s right to choose, but great news for the wire hanger industry.

7. The Republican-controlled House of Representatives on Tuesday passed legislation banning so-called “late term” abortion procedures for women who are beyond 22 weeks into their pregnancy. So I guess we’re stuck with Bieber.

8. Samoa Air is creating a wider row of seats on its aircrafts for passengers who weigh more than 286 pounds. Please Samoa Air, have a sense of humor and call it freight class.

9. A trained gymnast who was caught on tape engaging in naked acrobatics and harassment of passengers at a San Francisco public transit station is now facing criminal charges. “That’s illegal?” said people who take the New York City subway.

10. During a debate about abortion on Monday, Representative Michael Burgess claimed that he had seen evidence that fetuses masturbate in the womb.
-I’m confused, is he for or against abortion?
-Although this additional piece of information may have been helpful in this instance, it should be noted that Burgess brings this up during every debate.
-Burgess said he saw this with his own two eyes on multiple occasions, which is why he’s now legally prohibited from being within 50 yards of any obstetrician’s office.
-Which begs the question, how does the baby get the pornography in there?
-Adding, and if they’re twins you gotta hang a sock on the uterus.