July 31, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. According to new study, over 70% of firefighters are overweight or obese. Which would explain the troubling new trend of firemen showing up to fires, roasting a few marshmallows and then getting to work.

2. Yesterday, NBC announced that “Girls” actress Allison Williams will play Peter Pan in its upcoming “Peter Pan Live” show. In a related story, Anne Hathaway has killed Allison Williams. (additional mediocre joke about same topic that doesn’t deserve it’s own number: Yesterday, NBC announced that “Girls” actress Allison Williams will play Peter Pan in its upcoming “Peter Pan Live” show. It will be interesting to see if Williams will be able to fly considering her dad is an anchor.)

3. On Tuesday, Sony released “The Essential *NSYNC,” a double album featuring the band’s hits. So, if you this news gets you excited, you’re Joey Fatone.

4. Washington barred a group of Venezuelan officials, including government ministers and presidential advisers, from entering the U.S. on Wednesday after accusing them of abuses in a crackdown on protests against President Nicolas Maduro. Said a group of unaccompanied Venezuelan kids, “Don’t worry, we’ll show you the way in.”

5. Massachusetts Governor Deval Patrick on Wednesday signed into law a measure allowing police to order anti-abortion protesters away from clinic entrances if their presence impedes public access. Said protestors, “Our goal isn’t to impede access, just to make people aware of other, safer options, like using the back door.”

6. A new study found, without any encouragement from coaches, more than two-thirds of kids at an outdoor soccer camp used nearby tents for shade during rest periods. Although it’s hard to know if they sought the shelter of the tent for shade or to just get away from soccer.

7. A three-year-old in Oregon crashed a Jeep Wrangler into his neighbor’s house and then went home to watch cartoons. “That’s exactly why they don’t let me drive,” said Joe Biden.

8. Hundreds of Turkish women posted pictures of themselves laughing on Twitter on Wednesday to protest comments by Deputy Prime Minister Bulent Arinc who had urged women not to laugh in public to “protect moral values.” “You gotta admit, the Deputy Prime Minister makes some good points,” said Stephen A. Smith.

9. Actor Orlando Bloom and singer Justin Bieber got into a fight at a club in Ibiza early Wednesday morning. “I finally understand ‘Sophie’s Choice,” said teenage girls.

10. A Phoenix Suns basketball player was arrested Tuesday night on suspicion of super extreme DUI. Super extreme DUI is when a driver registers a blood-alcohol content over .20 and not, as I previously assumed, a Japanese game show.

July 30, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. A new study shows that people who feel they have a purpose live longer lives. “I beg to differ” said Jesus.

2. A man in Buffalo is suing Starbucks claiming that employees spiked his tea with hallucinogens. That’s so juvenile, grow up and drink coffee like the rest of us.

3. The producers of the Broadway musical “Spiderman: Turn Off the Dark,” announced plans yesterday for two new shows based off the animated movies “Rio” and “Alvin and the Chipmunks: Chipwrecked.” Said the producers, “See, we told you Spiderman wasn’t the worst idea.”

4. Yesterday, Delta Airlines said it will offer free movies, TV shows, music and video games on all U.S. flights over 90 minutes, starting Friday. But those passengers who have already booked travel for this Thursday shouldn’t feel ripped off, because there’s a good chance your fight will be delayed until Friday anyway.

5. According to a new study, people who play video games or watch television to unwind after a hard day may end up feeling worse about themselves. But that’s usually because they catch a glimpse of their reflection in the TV.

6. According to a new study, people who arrive at the hospital with a heart attack during business hours are more likely to survive than those who show up on weeknights, weekends or holidays. So plan your heart attacks accordingly.

7. Yesterday, a Florida family scavenging for sunken treasure on a shipwreck found the missing piece of a 300-year-old gold necklace. Although it should surprise no one that they found the missing link in Florida.

8. A felon escaped from a detention center in Arizona by scaling a basketball hoop in the yard and then jumping from it onto a fence. Said an inmate who witnessed the feat, “Okay, I got H-O-R.”

9. According to a new study, people with dementia are more likely to get pacemakers than people without any cognitive impairments. So maybe that ticking isn’t in their head.

10. On Monday, police arrested a University of Delaware doctoral student who allegedly hid video cameras in restrooms around campus over a two-year period. No word on whether he’ll get credit for his independent studies.

July 29, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. Supporters of former Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez on Monday unveiled a font for typing that mimics the late socialist leader’s handwriting. The way the font works is no matter what you type in, it always comes out as “Death to America.”

2. Supporters of former President Hugo Chavez on Monday unveiled a font for typing that mimics the late socialist leader’s handwriting. Big deal, we got something like over here for former President George W. Bush, it’s called wingdings.

3. A street performer dressed as Spiderman in New York City’s Times Square was arrested after punching a police officer who scolded him for demanding more money from a couple he had posed with for a picture. Those who saw the incident said it was still better than the plot of the last Spiderman movie.

4. Russian scientists have lost contact with an experimental satellite filled with gecko lizards that was to be the focus of new research on animal sex in zero-gravity. But, on the plus side, the astronauts aboard the international space station just saved 15% on their car insurance.

5. Forty-six people were treated for mostly alcohol-related medical problems at a Keith Urban concert in Boston on Saturday night. That story again, it was a normal night in Boston.

6. Yesterday, a judge ruled in favor of Shelly Sterling, saying Donald Sterling’s estranged wife has the right to sell the Los Angeles Clippers to Steve Ballmer. But, on the bright side, after owning the Clippers for 33 years, I’m sure Donald Sterling is used to losing around courts by now.

7. Yesterday, the two biggest names in online house hunting, Zillow and Trulia, joined forces in a stock deal valued at $3.5 billion. Which may seem like a lot, but, keep in mind, it comes fully-furnished.

8. According to a new study, people who run in their spare time, even if it’s not very fast or very far, tend to have a lower risk of dying from heart disease. “Finally, some good news,” said Oscar Pistorius.

9. According to a new national survey, if the 2012 presidential election were held today, Mitt Romney would top President Obama by 9% in the popular vote. As a result, Karl Rove took to FoxNews to declare that the 2012 race is not over.

10. A California woman who spooked her small community by anonymously leaving porcelain dolls on the doorsteps of fellow churchgoers that eerily resembled their daughters told police she is embarrassed by the incidents. But not as embarrassed as the daughter who lived at the house where the Garbage Pail Kid doll was dropped off.

July 28, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. Last week, the Prime Minister of Ukraine announced his resignation. So let me be the first to congratulate the next Prime Minister of Ukraine, Vladimir Putin.

2. A teenager in India, who had more than 200 teeth growing in his mouth due to a benign tumor, had them removed over the weekend. And, in a related story, the tooth fairy has filed for bankruptcy.

3. Adam West told People magazine at Comic-Con on Thursday that he has faith in Ben Affleck’s ability to take on the role of Batman. Which can only mean one thing, West never saw “Daredevil.”

4. On Friday, a Massachusetts judge refused to toss out the murder charges against ex-New England Patriot Aaron Hernandez. Then, for some unexplained reason, Hernandez added the judge’s name to a list of other names, some of which were already crossed off.

5. A new study shows, teenagers are more likely to discuss topics like sexual health and drug use with their doctors if their parents are out of the room. And, in an unrelated story, former-President Bill Clinton has enrolled in medical school.

6. According to a new report, snowboarders who use personal music players while boarding have fewer injuries, but the injuries they do sustain tend to be more severe. While snowboarders who listen to Nickelback tend to steer themselves into oncoming trees on purpose.

7. On Sunday, new Cleveland Cavalier LeBron James announced that he will switch his number back to 23, the number he wore during his first stint in Cleveland. Said Cavs fans, “Now where did I put that number 23 LeBron jersey? Oh…right.”

8. A company claims they have made the first vegan cheese by injecting yeast with human DNA. So if you ask if the cheese you’re eating is American, don’t be surprised if the response is “I think he was.”

9. A man in a Brazilian prison was caught trying to sneak two mobile phones, batteries, pliers, two drills and five nails in his rectum to an inmate. Which means, for the rest of his life, he’ll have to sheepishly answer the question “How’d you get the nickname Toolbox Tommy.”

10. A western Pennsylvania couple, accusing of luring their five-year-old son into the trunk of their car with candy to resolve his fear of the dark, was granted probation last week. Let’s hope he doesn’t have a fear of foster parents.

10 Best Jokes of the Week (as decided by me, I don’t care about your opinion)

1. Yesterday, Kim Kardashian revealed that her daughter North West had taken her first steps. But, if she’s anything like her mother, I’m sure she still feels more comfortable on her knees.

2. The Women’s Football Hall of Fame is set to open in Rock Hill, South Carolina today. It will be just like that scene in “A League of Their Own,” except everyone will look like Rosie O’Donnell.

3. According to research released on Wednesday, dogs are capable of feeling jealousy. Well Fido, now you know how I feel every time you lick yourself.

4. Last month was the hottest June on record. While the least hottest June remains Mama June from “Here Comes Honey Boo Boo.”

5. According to a recent poll, Vladimir Putin’s approval rating in Russia is at an all-time high. Which is good news for Putin and great news for that pollster and his loved ones.

6. Beverly Hills police have told Justin Bieber’s neighbors that they have the right to make a citizen’s arrest if the pop star continues to throw loud parties and disturb the peace. Does the same rule apply when he’s in concert?

7. The FDA has placed a recall on various fruit items, including peaches and nectarines, sold at Walmart due to a possible Listeria contamination. Said Walmart customers, “What’s fruit?”

8. New Yorkers awoke to find two white flags hung in place of the American flags that traditionally flutter atop the Brooklyn Bridge on Tuesday morning. So it’s official, Americans have become so fat that the Brooklyn Bridge has surrendered.

9. The Rock and Roll Hall of Fame announced that it will display six of Beyonce’s outfits starting next week. And, if you’re interested in seeing the outfits of the other members of Destiny’s Child, check your local Goodwill.

10. The Florida cat that made national news earlier this month after its owners said it had trapped them in their bedroom will return home after a 10-day quarantine in an animal shelter. “Who’s bedroom!?!” said the cat.

July 25, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. Yesterday, Kim Kardashian revealed that her daughter North West had taken her first steps. But, if she’s anything like her mother, I’m sure she still feels more comfortable on her knees.

2. Rapper Snoop Dogg claims that he once smoked marijuana at the White House. “You mean I didn’t have to go through the hassle of becoming President just to do that?” said Bill Clinton.

3. In a recent interview, Senator Marco Rubio said Hillary Clinton is out of touch with voters and called her a 20th century candidate. Which, in the Republican Party, is actually a compliment.

4. According to a new study, doctors are almost twice as likely as the general public to be registered organ donors. Said one proud Jewish mother, “Michael’s only 13, but he has the heart of a doctor.”

5. An Alabama man who went in to a hospital last month for a circumcision awoke after surgery to find his penis had been amputated. Said the hospital, “The patient has been married for over 20 years, there’s a chance it just fell off from lack of use.”

6. The Women’s Football Hall of Fame is set to open in Rock Hill, South Carolina today. It will be just like that scene in “A League of Their Own,” except everyone will look like Rosie O’Donnell.

7. The Women’s Football Hall of Fame is set to open in Rock Hill, South Carolina today. “So you’re telling me I still got a chance,” said Mark Sanchez.

8. An amusement park in Denmark has opened a new ride in which park-goers leap off a platform and fall 130 feet into a net. Which is a really awkward way to meet Annette.

9. On Thursday, the NFL suspended Baltimore Ravens running back Ray Rice for two games stemming from a domestic violence incident that occurred during the offseason. “Oh great, more time at home,” said his wife.

10. A Minnesota man and his two sons were asked to leave a Southwest Airlines flight after the man sent a tweet complaining about being treated rudely by a gate agent. The man was upset about the incident but happy to know that someone is actually reading his tweets.

11. A German court ruled on Tuesday that some people suffering from ongoing pain should be able to cultivate their own marijuana “for therapeutic purposes.” Because there’s no better place to be paranoid than Germany.

12. An artist in the U.K. has begun selling vagina-themed cupcakes. “We’re good,” said black men.

13. An artist in the U.K. has begun selling vagina-themed cupcakes. Word of advice, avoid the cream-filled ones.

14. The Pennsylvania Department of Transportation is selling 11 bridges that are no longer up to code and range in price from $1 to $500. Actress Lindsay Lohan is reportedly interested in buying a bridge and, as is her custom, immediately burning it.

15. The Pennsylvania Department of Transportation is selling 11 bridges that are no longer up to code and range in price from $1 to $500. “You mean I could own a bridge and do whatever I want with it?” said Chris Christie.

16. For more than a month, mysterious vandals in a suburb of Portland have been smearing pastries on cars, depositing donuts on lawns and leaving cakes strewn about the streets. Local authorities have labeled the actions as harmless hi-jinx, while New Jersey Governor Chris Christie is advocating the electric chair.

17. On Monday, “Fargo,” the Emmy-nominated TV series was renewed for a second season that will feature an all new storyline and characters. The second season will likely be the show’s last as it will be hard to convince viewers that more than ten people live in Fargo.

18. Hollywood power couple Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie will co-star in the upcoming drama “By the Sea” written and directed by Jolie. Not to be confused with Jennifer Aniston’s directorial debut about Jolie entitled “By the C.”

19. According to the BBC, Rory McIlroy’s father made over $340,000 on a $680 bet he placed ten years ago that his then-15-year-old son would win the British Open by the age of 26, which he did Sunday. “He’s like the son I never had,” said Pete Rose.

20. According to the BBC, Rory McIlroy’s father made over $340,000 on a $680 bet he placed ten years ago that his then-15-year-old son would win the British Open by the age of 26, which he did Sunday. “Not a bad idea, that may be the only I can win some money in a major,” said Tiger.

July 24, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. There’s a new fitness app called KGoal, in which users squeeze with their vagina to measure the strength of their pelvic muscles via their smart phone. But, if your phone’s on vibrate when you’re using it and someone calls, it takes on an entirely different use.

2. The New York Times reported on Wednesday that Senator John Walsh of Montana may have lifted at least a quarter of his master’s thesis from works by other authors. If the allegations prove true, Walsh may be hit with the harshest punishment possible, being sent back to Montana

3. A recent survey found that use of HGH among teenagers more than doubled between 2012 and 2013. As a result, all high school sports teams have changed their mascots to the Fightin’ A-Rods.

4. A 170-foot-tall ketchup bottle, which is actually a water tower, is for sale in southern Illinois. Said New Jersey Governor Chris Christie, “You had me at ‘ketchup’ and lost me at ‘water.’”

5. According to research released on Wednesday, dogs are capable of feeling jealousy. Well Fido, now you know how I feel every time you lick yourself.

6. Toronto Mayor Rob Ford reportedly broke his pinky toe while working out yesterday. But that sort of think is bound to happen when you can’t see your own feet.

7. Three more people in Colorado have been diagnosed with the plague. Authorities have brought in the town wench for questioning.

8. According to a new report, today’s young adults are on track to have the lowest rates of marriage by age 40 compared to all previous generations. “Look, I’m just one woman, I can only do so much,” said Kim Kardashian.

9. A tree planted in memory of late Beatles guitarist George Harrison following his death in 2001 has been killed by beetles and not, as previously reported, Pete Best with an ax.

10. According to a study published on Wednesday, an estimated 10.3 million American adults have gained health coverage since Obamacare enrollment began last October. And only 8 million of them did so by moving to Canada.

July 23, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. After leaving rehab, Toronto Mayor Rob Ford held a press conference in which he described himself as “healthy as a horse.” And, if that’s the case, get ready for another outbreak of hoof-in-mouth disease.

2. Last month was the hottest June on record. While the least hottest June remains Mama June from “Here Comes Honey Boo Boo.”

3. According to a recent poll, Vladimir Putin’s approval rating in Russia is at an all-time high. Which is good news for Putin and great news for that pollster and his loved ones.

4. Yesterday was Prince William and Kate Middleton’s son George’s first birthday. He celebrated by babbling nonsense and soiling himself, just like his great-grandma.

5. Beverly Hills police have told Justin Bieber’s neighbors that they have the right to make a citizen’s arrest if the pop star continues to throw loud parties and disturb the peace. Does the same rule apply when he’s in concert?

6. The FDA has placed a recall on various fruit items, including peaches and nectarines, sold at Walmart due to a possible Listeria contamination. Said Walmart customers, “What’s fruit?”

7. The Obama administration is developing a method for religious organizations opposed to contraception coverage under the Affordable Care Act to opt out of providing the coverage in their health plans without filling out a form. The key is knowing the exact right time to pull out.

8. According to local police, thieves have been stealing air conditioning units from rural Tennessee churches during this summer’s heat wave. Said the criminals, “If I’m going to burn for all of eternity, I might as well be comfortable now.”

9. New Yorkers awoke to find two white flags hung in place of the American flags that traditionally flutter atop the Brooklyn Bridge on Tuesday morning. So it’s official, Americans have become so fat that the Brooklyn Bridge surrendered.

10. In a recent interview with GQ, Kanye West said he loves Kim Kardashian because she is unique “like a fighter jet or a dinosaur.” And since he’s a rapper, I don’t think it’s a coincidence that “fighter jet” rhymes with “brunette” and “dinosaur” rhymes with “gigantic whore.”

July 22, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. The Rock and Roll Hall of Fame announced that it will display six of Beyonce’s outfits starting next week. And, if you’re interested in seeing the outfits of the other members of Destiny’s Child, check your local Goodwill.

2. Yesterday, the commissioner of the Big XII athletic conference said that due to lax enforcement cheating in college sports pays. Said college athletes, “At least someone’s getting paid.”

3. According to Forbes, Robert Downey Jr. was the highest paid actor of the past year, earning an estimated $75 million. At a certain point he’s no longer “pretending” to be Tony Stark.

4. Yesterday, the second richest man in the world, Mexican billionaire Carlos Slim suggested that workers shift to a three-day work week. “Way ahead of you,” said the Post Office.

5. On Monday, President Obama said Joe Biden would make a “superb” president. But, then again, he also thought he’d be good at the job.

6. The U.S. Center for Disease Control and Prevention “may never know” how a fairly harmless form of bird flu was cross-contaminated with a dangerous bird flu strain before it was sent to an outside laboratory. Which has led to the establishment of the U.S. Center for Disease Control and Prevention of the U.S. Center for Disease Control and Prevention or the CDCCDC for short.

7. New Jersey animal control workers have set traps to catch a reported 20-foot-long snake living in Lake Hopatcong. If caught, the snake will be used to make shoes for many Italian women or half a belt for Governor Christie.

8. Italy’s data protection regulator has given Google 18 months to change the way it treats and stores user data. Or, as it is known in Italy, 36 months.

9. The Florida cat that made national news earlier this month after its owners said it had trapped them in their bedroom will return home after a 10-day quarantine in an animal shelter. “Who’s bedroom!?!” said the cat.

10. Researchers reported on Saturday that the annual rate of diagnosis of HIV fell by a third in the U.S. between 2002 and 2011. “You’re welcome, America,” said Magic Johnson.

July 21, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. Last week, Bill Clinton said he would not influence Hillary’s decision in regards to any possible presidential campaign. Said Bill, “Trust me, if I could convince her to do things, that wouldn’t even make the list.”

2. An Australian man is being charged with attempted murder after he tried to shoot a man with a crossbow only to have it blocked by the victim’s laptop computer. And since it was an Apple computer, I think we may have found the modern-day William Tell.

3. A man in Maryland has reportedly only eaten pizza for the past 25 years. Said the man, “I’m hoping to get a Jared-from-Subway type endorsement deal. I’m also hoping to get Jared-from-Subway’s old pants.”

4. A New Jersey man who was on vacation in Rhode Island won $1 million in the Rhode Island state lottery. Said Rhode Islanders, “If living in New Jersey is what it takes to win the lottery, it’s not worth it.”

5. According to a new poll, 81% of people would cheat on their partner if there were no consequences. While 19% of people apparently don’t know what “consequences” means.

6. A previously confidential memo reveals that then-President Bill Clinton chose not to use a joke about former President Bush’s dog Millie that called the canine a word the “starts with B and rhymes with witch,” in a speech. Clinton said he skipped the joke, not out of good taste, but because he had already used the joke word-for-word to describe Hillary.

7. On Friday, a New York federal judge authorized a warrant to be served on Google ordering them to turn over the emails of an unnamed individual who is the target of a money laundering investigation. “What’s a warrant?” said the NSA.

8. On Friday, a man and woman caught on video stealing a baby dinosaur replica from a North Carolina museum turned themselves in. Museum officials became suspicious when a man and woman showed up to a dinosaur museum in North Carolina.

9. According to the BBC, Rory McIlroy’s father made over $340,000 on a $680 bet he made ten years ago that his then-15-year-old son would win the British Open by the age of 26, which he did on Sunday. So congratulations to Gerry McIlroy for winning his bet and proving that he is a loving father who had an unwavering belief in his son and not a compulsive gambler.

10. A Florida jury awarded a widow $23.6 billion in damages in her lawsuit against R.J. Reynolds Tobacco Company over the death of her husband. Said the tobacco giant, “Whatever happened to second-hand smoke killing people?”