10 Best Jokes of the Week (as decided by me, I don’t care about your opinion)

1. Yesterday it was announced that China will ease family planning restrictions to allow all couples to have two children after decades of a strict one-child policy. But the country’s do-over policy if you have a girl still remains in effect.

2. Pop singer Justin Bieber abruptly canceled his concert in Norway on Thursday night after performing just one song. Fans called the concert “disappointing,” while music critics called it “still too long.”

3. On Monday, a dog named Trigger shot his owner in the foot. Even more impressive, it was a drive-by.

4. Italian Marco Schiavone won the 2015 European Footgolf Championship at a golf course in Spain on Sunday defeating Dutch professional Marcel Peeper. That story again, a record two people competed in the 2015 European Footgolf Championship.

5. On Monday, the World Health Organization said that eating processed meats like sausage or bacon can lead to bowel cancer in humans. The WHO then went on to say that Santa isn’t real, there’s no such thing as love and you were adopted.

6. A judge in Indiana has ruled that it is legal to take selfies while voting. So good luck explaining to people over 60 what selfies are and people under 30 what voting is.

7. Former Heisman Trophy winner Eddie George will star in “Chicago” for seven weeks on Broadway. Although, if you were casting a Heisman-winning running back to star in a play about murdering their significant other after catching them in bed with someone else, George wouldn’t have been my first call.

8. On Saturday, “Tonight Show” host Jimmy Fallon re-injured his right hand after tripping and falling at an event at Harvard. “Looks like the voodoo doll is working,” said Jay Leno.

9. This week Kabul University in Afgahnistan introduced a new course in women’s studies. On the first day the professor says “don’t let them” and then you graduate.

10. Disgraced former Subway spokesman Jared Fogle has paid out a total of $1 million to 10 of his victims. But, on the plus-side for Jared, since he has a punch-card, the eleventh victim is free.

October 30, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. A prominent German ISIS propagandist, who went by the name “Deso Dogg” in the Berlin rap scene, was killed by a U.S. strike in Syria earlier this month. So watch your back, Macklemore.

2. Yesterday it was announced that China will ease family planning restrictions to allow all couples to have two children after decades of a strict one-child policy. But the country’s do-over policy if you have a girl still remains in effect.

3. Fourteen million viewers tuned in for the Republican Party presidential campaign debate on CNBC on Wednesday night, a record for the network. Actually it was fourteen million and one if you count Rand Paul as a viewer.

4. On Thursday, the NBA announced that it will break with tradition and place a sponsored corporate logo on player jerseys during the next two All-Star games. That sponsor, Chico’s Bail Bonds.

5. Pop singer Justin Bieber abruptly canceled his concert in Norway on Thursday night after performing just one song. But, in his defense, you would do the same thing if you were forced to listen to even one Justin Bieber song.

6. Pop singer Justin Bieber abruptly canceled his concert in Norway on Thursday night after performing just one song. Fans called the concert “disappointing,” while music critics called it “still too long.”

7. A group in England attempted to break a world record this past weekend for most people riding a rollercoaster while naked. The group failed to break the record because, once a few of the men disrobed, they couldn’t make it past the “you must be this big to ride” sign.

8. The New York Giants have agreed to terms on a one-year contract with defensive end Jason Pierre-Paul, four months after he mangled his hand in a fireworks accident. Pierre-Paul celebrated by slapping his teammates high-two-and-halves.

9. According to a new study, children with ADHD show signs of improvement after playing a videogame for 30 minutes a day rather than taking a pill. Unfortunately, the game is “Grand Theft Auto” and all they are focused on now is stabbing hookers.

10. This week, Mike Tyson officially endorsed Donald Trump for president. Tyson said he really liked Trump’s foreign policy of “An eye for an eye and an ear for an ear.”

11. This week, Mike Tyson officially endorsed Donald Trump for president. But he got punched in the head for a living, what’s every other Trump supporter’s excuse?

12. On Monday, a dog named Trigger shot his owner in the foot. And you don’t even want to know what his dog Sodomy did to him.

13. Rare identical triplets were born in Baltimore last week. The names of the babies are Tripp, Finn and Ollie, although, at this point, which one is which is still a crapshoot.

14. Last week, Kellogg’s unveiled five new Pop Tart flavors, including watermelon, pink lemonade and bacon. The bacon-flavored Pop Tart is perfect for anybody who loves bacon but wishes it was somehow more unhealthy.

15 Over the weekend, a non-for-profit company granted 96-year-old Olive Horrell’s wish to “see the future” by taking her to Google headquarters where she rode in a driverless car and put on a virtual reality headset. Said Horrell, “All this was great, but when I said I wanted to see the future, I just meant I didn’t want to die.”

October 29, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. Oxford University has conducted a study to find out where people are most uncomfortable being touched. Finally answering the age-old question, can you take out a restraining order against entire university.

2. A prominent Chinese economist named Xie Zuoshi is suggesting that, due to China’s shortage of women Chinese, men should share wives. Whereupon Zuoshi was immediately sued by Henny Youngman.

3. On Wednesday, the World Health Organization said that two-thirds of the world’s population under 50 have herpes. So I guess people really are keeping up with the Kardashians.

4. On Tuesday, the Fox telecast of Game One of the World Series in Kansas City was knocked off the air for 20 minutes after a broadcast truck lost power. When power was restored, viewers were angry to see they had missed three mound visits, an umpire replay and two whole pitches.

5. This week, the World Health Organization found a link between eating red meat and cancer. Unsurprisingly, here’s a picture of one of the scientists who conducted the study:
Cow

6. The U.S. Air Force announced on Monday their new model of stealth bombers will cost half a billion dollars each. “In that case, I’ll just take two,” said Floyd Mayweather, Jr.

7. A markswoman has released a video that shows her carving a pumpkin by firing a rifle at it. So let me congratulate in advance the kids brave enough to ring that lady’s doorbell on Halloween.

8. A Canadian restaurant chain is introducing a new half-pound burger featuring a meat patty stuffed with Reese’s peanut butter cups and topped with bacon, crispy onions and more Reese’s cups. In light of the WHO’s recent findings, the idea is to let the diabetes get you before the cancer.

9. On Wednesday, more than 500 people tossed pizza dough simultaneously in Shanghai to break the world record. Although I’m pretty sure two people would have done it.

10. According to reports, Yankee great Derek Jeter is now engaged to his swimsuit model girlfriend Hannah Davis. And, by the way the Worlds Series is going, that might be the only ring a New York baseball player gets this year.

October 28, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. On Monday, a dog named Trigger shot his owner in the foot. Even more impressive, it was a drive-by.

2. In an interview on Tuesday, Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump said he doesn’t understand his recent drop in the polls in Iowa. Said Trump, “I guess those bumbling, cousin-fuckers don’t want a classy president.”

3. On Tuesday, Walgreens announced plans to buy competitor Rite Aid for $9.4 billion. If the transaction goes through it will undoubtedly set the record for longest receipt ever.

4. Italian Marco Schiavone won the 2015 European Footgolf Championship at a golf course in Spain on Sunday defeating Dutch professional Marcel Peeper. That story again, a record two people competed in the 2015 European Footgolf Championship.

5. In a recent interview, Donald Trump said Iraq is “the Harvard of terrorism.” Said Harvard, “You know Yale is a good school too, maybe use them in analogies every once and a while.”

6. Republican Jeb Bush’s struggling presidential campaign is cutting salaries across the board and reducing staff in an effort to save money. Word of advice Jeb, might be time to stop playing up the “if elected, I’ll be great at creating jobs” angle.

7. Last week, an English soccer fan was found asleep on a stadium toilet seven hours after his team had finished playing. But, that’ll happen when one of your concession stands serves Chipotle.

8. Julius Njogu was arrested and charged with fraud after attempting to cheat his way into second place at the Nairobi International Marathon in Kenya on Sunday, allegedly sneaking into the race with only a mile to go. Race officials became suspicious of Julius’s second place finish at the Kenyan marathon when they noticed he was white.

9. Two groups that had backed competing ballot initiatives to make recreational use of marijuana legal in Maine agreed on Monday to join forces. Said one group, “I got weed if you got rolling papers.”

10. Russian investigators plan to exhume the remains of Tsar Alexander III at the request of the Orthodox Church in an effort to determine whether and how many illegitimate children he had. In light of that, to save time, officials have decided, when he dies, not to bury Kevin Federline.

October 27, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. On Monday, the World Health Organization said that eating processed meats like sausage or bacon can lead to bowel cancer in humans. The WHO then went on to say that Santa isn’t real, there’s no such thing as love and you were adopted.

2. A judge in Indiana has ruled that it is legal to take selfies while voting. So good luck explaining to people over 60 what selfies are and people under 30 what voting is.

3. Former Heisman Trophy winner Eddie George will star in “Chicago” for seven weeks on Broadway. Although, if you were casting a Heisman-winning running back to star in a play about murdering their significant other after catching them in bed with someone else, George wouldn’t have been my first call.

4. Comedian Jimmy Morales has been elected president of Guatemala. “So you’re telling me there’s still a chance,” said Rick Perry.

5. The San Diego Chargers announced plans to move to Los Angeles. I think we all know how this ends, the Chargers move out there with big plans of becoming famous and within two years they end up waiting tables and doing porn.

6. After seeing his number dip in a recent poll in Iowa, Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump told CNN that he is going to need “to work a little bit harder in Iowa.” Because, as everyone knows, the only solution to people not liking Donald Trump is more Donald Trump. We’re only a few weeks away from Iowa taking out a restraining order against him.

7. Authorities have discovered a massive underground, drug-smuggling tunnel that stretches the length of eight football fields, from Tijuana to San Diego. No word on who exactly found the tunnel, but you can be sure it wasn’t the San Diego Chargers as they can’t go the length of even one football field.

8. Scientists in Utah have discovered one of the most complete skeletons of a turtle from the age of the dinosaurs that has a nose that resembles the snout of a pig. Turns out Miss Piggy will fuck just about any amphibian.

9. According to experts, if oil stays around $50 a barrel, most countries in the Middle East, like Saudi Arabia, Iraq and Iran, will run out of cash within the next five years. “We’ll save you the trouble and tell you right now there are problems with your loan applications,” said Israel.

10. In a recent interview with CNN, Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump said he would ‘absolutely’ be a force for bipartisanship. He knows irrationally attacking both Democrats and Republicans doesn’t make him bipartisan, right?

October 26, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. Today is Hillary Clinton’s 68th birthday. Here’s what some of her well-wishers had to say –
Donald Trump: “I didn’t know they made women that old.”
Bill Clinton: “Next year’s the big one.”
Chris Christie: “I was told there would be cake.”
Bobby Jindal: “Yet another thing I wasn’t invited to.”
Jim Webb: “Happy birth…” Bernie Sanders: “Happy birthday, Hillary.”

2. On Saturday, “Tonight Show” host Jimmy Fallon re-injured his right hand after tripping and falling at an event at Harvard. “Looks like the voodoo doll is working,” said Jay Leno.

3. This week Kabul University in Afgahnistan introduced a new course in women’s studies. On the first day the professor says “don’t let them” and then you graduate.

4. According to reports, Aurora, Colorado theater shooter James Holmes, who is in jail for life, was assaulted on Saturday by a fellow prisoner named Mark Daniels. Which, in Daniels’ case, will be considered ‘good behavior.’

5. Disgraced former Subway spokesman Jared Fogle has paid out a total of $1 million to 10 of his victims. But, on the plus-side for Jared, since he has a punch-card, the eleventh victim is free.

6. Maris, a beloved female beluga whale died suddenly last week at the Georgia Aquarium in Atlanta. So good luck to whoever’s job it is to flush that down the toilet.

7. Chris Christie was asked to leave Amtrak’s quiet car Sunday morning after passengers complained to a conductor about the New Jersey governor yelling at his security detail and into his cell phone. But Amtrak immediately regretted its decision when Christie then moved to the dining car.

8. According to fiscal reports, search engine Bing contributed more than $1 billion to Microsoft’s revenue for this quarter. While AskJeeves wants to know if it can borrow twenty bucks.

9. According to TMZ Sports, last week a group of five people armed with guns stormed into Washington Redskins wide receiver Desean Jackson’s residence and pistol-whipping at least one of the six people there. Luckily, since Jackson plays for the Redskins, he’s used to getting beaten at home.

10. Musician Cee Lo Green revealed to “People” magazine last week that he is engaged to his girlfriend Shani James. Long-time bachelor Green did the unthinkable, he got down on one knee, and somehow became shorter.

10 Best Jokes of the Week (as decided by me, I don’t care about your opinion)

1. Mustard prices have jumped this fall to their highest level in seven years. Which means some of Chris Christie’s shirts are now worth a fortune.

2. Police in Round Rock tried for hours on Thursday to corral four emus on the loose that have been roaming through a residential area in the Austin, Texas. Begging the question, has anyone seen Lincoln Chafee lately?

3. Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump is currently touring around the South trying to appeal to southern voters and make the case that he’s one of them. Which explains why he keeps talking about how attracted he is to his own daughter.

4. Items belonging to action star Sylvester Stallone are on display in New York ahead of an upcoming auction. Proceeds of the auction will go to a very needy cause, Frank Stallone.

5. During halftime of Monday night’s NFL matchup between Eli Manning’s New York Giants and the Chip Kelly coached Philadelphia Eagles a new trailer for the upcoming “Star Wars” movie “The Force Awakens” aired featuring glimpses of Kylo Ren and the First Order. “I understood half of that sentence,” said fans of “Stars Wars” or the NFL.

6. In a recent survey, almost half of young women said that at some point in their lives, they had experienced feelings of melancholy after sex. “For a long time I didn’t realize there was another option,” said Selena Gomez.

7. On Tuesday, Subway announced that they will start serving antibiotic-free chicken and turkey in all their U.S. restaurants by next year. So surely that will be the Subway story that people will remember from this year.

8. Microsoft has created a new chamber that has been certified as the quietest place on Earth. And, to keep it that way, the chamber will be screening a copy of “Mortdecai” on a continuous loop.

9. Last Wednesday, a Target store in San Jose, California accidentally played the audio to a porn movie over the store’s public address system. That announcement was quickly followed by an apology and another announcement for a clean up in every aisle.

10. Alibaba offered to pay $3.5 billion to become the sole owner of Youku Tudou, which is known as China’s YouTube. Youku Tudou is similar to the regular YouTube except how-to cooking videos and cute dog videos are not separate categories.

October 23, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. Mustard prices have jumped this fall to their highest level in seven years. Which means some of Chris Christie’s shirts are now worth a fortune.

2. According to a new poll, Dr. Ben Carson has pulled ahead of long-time Republican frontrunner Donald Trump in Iowa. But, I assume, that’s only because the poll did not offer a “none of the above” option.

3. Police in Round Rock tried for hours on Thursday to corral four emus on the loose that have been roaming through a residential area in the Austin, Texas. Begging the question, has anyone seen Lincoln Chafee lately?

4. China’s ruling Communist Party has listed golf and gluttony as violations. “Well, I can tell where I’m not wanted,” said John Daly.

5. A handful of white supremacist groups are upset that the lead actor in the upcoming “Star Wars” film is black. The groups were also upset that it took almost two full hours to finally get straight out of Compton.

6. The Department of Homeland Security sent a stern warning to the Secret Service after two officers were caught napping at their posts. But, in their defense, having sex with Brazilian hookers is really tiring.

7. Scientists in southern China have discovered 47 human teeth dating back at least 80,000 years. 80,000 years, taking into account inflation and the strength of the yen, the tooth-fairy owes those scientists approximately $30 gajillion.

8. UFC star Ronda Rousey is personally training actor Vin Diesels’s seven-year-old daughter int he art of judo. No word on who is teaching the girl to speak English.

9. On Wednesday, CNBC announced that Chris Christie, John Kasich and Rand Paul will round of the field of ten candidates that will participate in next week’s Republican debate. CNBC said they wanted to include more than ten, but Christie was the last one to enter and they forgot to grease up the doorframe.

10. Khloe Kardashian and her basketball player husband, Lamar Odom, called off their divorce on Wednesday a week after the athlete collapsed and fell into a coma in Las Vegas. Apparently the coma allowed Odom to lose enough brain cells to fit in with the Kardashians.

11. Representatives for former host of “The Price Is Right” Bob Barker said he was doing okay after taking a fall while going for a walk in the Hollywood Hills. Authorities have not ruled out foul play and have narrowed the list of suspects to every dog ever spayed or neutered.

12. An Indonesian villager is encouraging rural children to read by delivering books via his mobile library which is strapped to the back of a horse. The horse library solves two age-old problems, getting children to read and preventing homeless people from masturbating at the library.

13. A hunter in Norway shot and killed two moose before realizing he was shooting through the fence of a zoo. The hunter is now questioning the validity of the fish he shot in that barrel yesterday.

14. Early ticket sales for December’s “Star Wars: The Force Awakens” broke IMAX records with more than $6.5 million for U.S. screenings. Experts attribute this huge number to the theaters’ new “one ticket per person, including imaginary girlfriends” policy.

15. The November issue of “Ebony” magazine features a picture of the cast of “the Cosby Show” on its cover and a scathing article on the inside. Said Malcolm Jamal Warner, “Hey, a cover’s a cover.”

October 22, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. Presidential candidate Donald Trump was scheduled to appear on “Jimmy Kimmel Live” Tuesday night, but cancelled at the last second. Trump cancelled presumably because he found a younger, hotter talk show to go on.

2. Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump is currently touring around the South trying to appeal to southern voters and make the case that he’s one of them. Which explains why he keeps talking about how attracted he is to his own daughter.

3. According to a new survey, the proportion of adults that admit to using marijuana has doubled over the past ten years. But that’s only because researchers started counting “what was the question again?” as a “yes.”

4. In New York, a 100-year-old woman still works 11 hours a day, six days a week. The woman doesn’t work seven days a week because she’s a fucking slacker.

5. Architects in Zurich have created a construction robot capable of laying bricks into pre-programmed structures. Even more impressive, the robot stops whatever it is doing to harasses any woman that walks by.

6. According to a autopsy, a Brazilian man who died suddenly on a flight from Portugal to Ireland, after becoming agitated and biting a fellow passenger, had swallowed packages of cocaine pre-flight. Doctors believe one of the packages burst, causing his death or, as Charlie Sheen calls it, natural causes.

7. It was announced yesterday that comedian Chris Rock will host the 2016 Academy Awards. Rock is expected to set the record for most times the n-word has been said during an Oscars broadcast since Mel Gibson’s 1995 acceptance speech for “Braveheart.”

8. Items belonging to action star Sylvester Stallone are on display in New York ahead of an upcoming auction. Proceeds of the auction will go to a very needy cause, Frank Stallone.

9. On Wednesday, Vice President Joe Biden said he would not run for president in 2016. “Looks like I scared him,” said Lincoln Chafee.

10. Last night, the New York Mets beat the Chicago Cubs to advance to the World Series where they will attempt to win their first title since 1986. Or, according to Daryl Strawberry’s memory, their first title ever.

October 21, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. During halftime of Monday night’s NFL matchup between Eli Manning’s New York Giants and the Chip Kelly coached Philadelphia Eagles a new trailer for the upcoming “Star Wars” movie “The Force Awakens” aired featuring glimpses of Kylo Ren and the First Order. “I understood half of that sentence,” said fans of “Stars Wars” or the NFL.

2. On Monday, a man in Maryland was charged with biting another man’s testicle during a bar fight. Police have released the guilty man’s mugshot:Nutcracker joke

3. In a recent survey, almost half of young women said that at some point in their lives, they had experienced feelings of melancholy after sex. “For a long time I didn’t realize there was another option,” said Selena Gomez.

4. In a recent survey, almost half of young women said that at some point in their lives, they had experienced feelings of melancholy after sex. “Give the other half my number and I’ll fix that,” said Russell Brand.

5. On Tuesday, Subway announced that they will start serving antibiotic-free chicken and turkey in all their U.S. restaurants by next year. So surely that will be the Subway story that people will remember from this year.

6. According to a new survey, almost half of elderly people don’t have an accurate sense of how much longer they’re likely to live. Begging the question, what does that survey taker know that those poor old people don’t?

7. At a press conference on Tuesday, Democratic presidential candidate Jim Webb officially ended his bid for the White House. Leaving the remaining candidates scrambling to scoop up that all-important high school woodshop teacher vote.

8. Former U.S. Senator Jim Webb said on Tuesday he will drop his long-shot bid for the 2016 Democratic presidential nomination. So let me get this straight, you finally have the chance to speak uninterrupted and you quit? Kind of a let-down.

9. Fugitive cartel kingpin Joaquin “El Chapo” Guzman fell off what appeared to be a small cliff as special forces chased him earlier this month. Apparently the Acme brand parachute bought by El Chapo turned out to be nothing more than a backpack containing an anvil. When reached for comment, a member of the Mexican special forces said, “Meep! Meep!”

10. Milwaukee Bucks forward John Henson has accused a local jeweler of racial profiling after its employees locked him out and called police when he went to the store to buy a watch. Said the store owner, “I’m not racist,” adding, “I’ve sold watches to plenty of black men, presumably because they’re sick of being late all the time.”