May 14, 2020 – Monologue Jokes

1. Queen guitarist Brian May was hospitalized last week after tearing hit buttock muscles while gardening. Said May, “Please tell people I have coronavirus.” 

2. The European Space Agency said this week that human urine could one day be used to make concrete to build structures on the Moon. So, from now, please refer to him as astronaut R Kelly:

3. Actor Hafthor Bjornsson, who played The Mountain in ‘Game of Thrones,’ set a deadlift world record by lifting 1,104 pounds. Breaking the old record of 1,054 pounds held by Dame Judi Dench: 

4. According to a new survey, almost 70% of married couples say they learned something new about their partner during quarantine. Said Donald to Melania, “We have a kid?!?!?!”

5. Florida Governor Ron DeSantis referred to his state as ‘God’s waiting room’ during a coronavirus press briefing last week. “Not so fast” said Georgia: 

6. Last week, Jada Pinkett Smith said even though she’s been married to Will Smith for 23 years, being quarantined with him made her realize she doesn’t know him at all. Said Pinkett Smith, “Did you know he doesn’t even have an uncle named Phil?”

7. Approximately 300,000 coronavirus masks sent to pregnant women in Japan as part of a government handout have been found to be faulty. Said the pregnant women, “Faulty protection is how we got into this mess to begin with.” 

8. German doctors are posing naked to protest protective equipment shortages. And I think I speak for everyone when I say, don’t get any ideas Dr. Phil:

9.  Last week, Carnival Cruise Line bookings shot up by 600% when they announced that they would return to the high seas on August 1 after months of coronavirus lockdown.  It’s gonna be weird in fifty years, when people want to compare something to a complete disaster and, instead of saying the Titanic, they reference the Goofy II.

10. Last week, an asparagus reader predicted that President Trump will be re-elected and impeached again. Laugh if you will, but she’s always been 100% accurate when she predicted that my pee was gonna smell.

11. After his personal valet tested positive for coronavirus, President Trump said he will undergo the COVID-19 testing every day. Said the man who administered the test by inserting a long swab into Trump’s nose, “I’ve never felt less resistance.” 

12. Last week, the creator of the dystopian tv series ‘Black Mirror’ said the world is too bleak right now for a sixth season of his show. And yet somehow ‘Fuller House’ is allowed to go on as planned.

13. Last Sunday, President Trump answered questions during a virtual town hall on FoxNews staged in front of the Lincoln Memorial. Trump’s answers were so nonsensical that halfway through the interview Lincoln stood up and walked out.

14. In California, a trio of suspected thieves was arrested trying to steal thirty-one rolls of toilet paper, thirty-two towels, and four sets of bed sheets. And no one was more angry about the arrests than the thieves’ wives who sent them out to pick up a few things:

15. During a segment on ‘Good Morning America’, the CEO of the Dolphins revealed mock ups of new entrances to their stadium that will help people adhere to social distancing guidelines. Here’s what those mock ups look like:

16. Last Thursday night, between 7pm and 7:30pm, JetBlue conducted a flyover of Manhattan, Queens, and the Bronx to salute healthcare reporters. Not to be confused with the flyover that occurred between 7:30pm and 10pm, which was JetBlue circling LaGuardia waiting to land.

17. According to a recent survey, women in New York find the Cuomo brothers more attractive than the Jonas brothers. “Alright, but what if we get rid of Kevin,” said the other two Jonas brothers:

18. According to Variety, actor Nicolas Cage will play Joe Exotic in an upcoming TV series about the eclectic zookeeper. Said Cage showing up on the first day of shooting with a mullet, dressed in a cowboy hat and a leopard print sleeveless shirt, “Okay, so what’s this Joe Exotic guy look like?”

19. French researchers are preparing to launch a human trial to test their hypothesis that nicotine can help the body combat coronavirus. That story again, Keith Richards is going to live forever.

20. Last weekend, Secretariat won a virtually Kentucky Derby race. Unfortunately the horse that finished in last place, Seattle Slew, was made into virtual glue.

September 23, 2019 – Monologue Jokes

1. A documentary about alleged sexual abuse by Michael Jackson won an Emmy on Saturday. In response, the estate of Michael Jackson said the late singer would be horrified by the award, mainly because it wasn’t a Kid’s Choice Award. 

2. According to a new report, Triple Crown winning horse Justify failed a drug test last year and should not have been allowed to run in the Kentucky Derby. As a result, officials have given the rescinded the first place trophy and awarded to the runner-up:

3. A Pennsylvania couple is facing felony theft charges after their bank accidentally put $120,000 in their account, and the couple spent it instead of contacting the bank. Yikes, if spending money you didn’t earn is illegal, the starting lineup for the New York Knicks better lawyer up.

4. According to a recent article, DC comics is planning to introduce a black Batman. And of course his alter ego, Bruce Wayans:

5. When asked why his administration plans to weaken federal rules that force Americans to energy-efficient light bulbs, President Trump said he is not a fan of the bulbs because, “I always look orange.” So fair warning he’s probably coming after you next mirrors.

6. A Six Flags theme park in Maryland has announced a new promotion in which visitors spend 30 hours inside a coffin to win a pair of season passes. “I won what contest now?” said Stephen Miller.

7. Last week, reporters asked President Trump and the First Lady what they told their teenage son Baron about vaping. Melania said it was “dangerous and could lead to death,” while Donald said “I have a teenage son?”

8. This week, Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau publicly apologized for wearing blackface on multiple occasions in his past. And to demonstrate that his apology was sincere and heartfelt, he made the announcement in sad blackface.

9. Last week, Scientists from the Massachusetts Institute of Technology discovered the blackest black ever. “Get MIT on the phone,” yelled Justin Trudeau to his secretary. 

10. Following her rally in New York Monday night, Senator Elizabeth Warren spent four taking selfies with supporters. So did New York City mayor Bill de Blasio, but only because it took him four hours to find a supporter to take a selfie with. 

11. President Trump awarded the Presidential Medal of Freedom to record-setting reliever Mariano Rivera on Monday. That story again, a New York institution was awarded a medal by a New Yorker who should be institutionalized.

12. British police on Friday arrested a man suspected of hacking famous music acts to steal unreleased songs and sell them for cryptocurrency. They also arrested the Spice Girls for releasing their own music.

13. The University of Alabama is penalizing students for leaving college football games before the beginning of the fourth quarter. But, in their defense, they’re from Alabama, there’s a good chance they thought there were only three quarters.

14. This week, Hilaria Baldwin announced she is pregnant again, it will be her fifth child with husband Alec Baldwin. And I think I speak for everyone when I say, Alec, leave that poor woman alone.

15. President Donald Trump named Robert O’Brien on Wednesday as his latest White House national security adviser, picking an experienced negotiator who has worked to secure the release of hostages. “He got my letters!” said an enthusiastic Melania.

16. The world’s first vagina museum is set to open in London. The price of admission is two dinners and a weekend upstate at a cozy bed and breakfast.

17. According to reports, a whistleblower complaint has been filed against President Trump alleging he made inappropriate comments while on the phone with the President of Ukraine. No word on whether President Trump will face consequences, but for some reason Billy Bush was fired again.

18. In a recent interview, former Detroit Lions wide receiver Calvin Johnson said he smoked marijuana after every game of his NFL career. “Oh, after, that’s much smarter,” said the entire roster of the New York Jets.

19. An American Airlines flight was forced to make an unscheduled stop after a male passenger became unruly, punching seats, yelling at other passengers and smoking cigarettes. Or, as Shia Labeouf calls it, a career.

May 25, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. According to a new study, letting your baby ‘cry it out’ instead of interfering is an effective sleep training method that does not cause stress or lasting emotional problems for the baby. The study was apparently conducted on every flight I have ever been on.

2. This week President Obama signed a bill removing all “Orientals” and “Negros” from federal laws. A bill Donald Trump was in favor of until he read the ‘from federal laws’ part at the end.

3. Online retailer Amazon has purchased a Seattle hotel and is converting it into a homeless shelter. Or, as the people who were already staying at that Days Inn thought of it, an upgrade.

4. A 31-year-old man in England who was balding claims he saw a 75% increase in Tinder matches after having a hair transplant. “Any word on whether that holds true for Grindr?” said John Travolta.

5. Yesterday, Democratic presidential candidate Bernie Sanders requested a recount in the closely contested Kentucky primary he lost to Hillary Clinton last week. “You mean, I have to do this all over again?” said the one guy in Kentucky who can count.

6. Kentucky Derby winner Nyquist will miss next month’s Belmont Stakes because of a high white cell count, his trainers said on Tuesday. Which is probably for the best, because if Nyquist had lost that race all his cells would be white:
glue

7. On Monday, Minnesota Governor Mark Dayton declared May 23rd Beyonce Day in the state. News flash Minnesota, everyday is Beyonce day. Now bow down!!!!!!

8. A poet in Myanmar who wrote in October that he had a tattoo of the country’s president on his penis was found guilty on Tuesday of defamation and sentenced to a six-month jail term. Even worse, I’m pretty sure he plagiarized Maya Angelou.

9. Veterans Affairs Secretary Bob McDonald recently compared the “experience” of waiting for health care at a VA hospital to Disneyland guests waiting in line for a ride. “The VA lines are far worse, in fact, if they were shorter, I’d probably go by a different name,” said Captain Hook.

10. On Tuesday, Buffalo Bills General Manager Doug Whaley said football is such a violent game that he doesn’t “think humans are supposed to play.” Although, if spent all day watching the Bills, you’d probably question whether humans were supposed to play football as well.

May 9, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. Last week, boxer Oscar de la Hoya said Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump cheats on the golf course. “It’s not just limited to the golf course,” said Marla Maples.

2. A collection of women’s shoes and bras was discovered last week behind a hidden wall in a barn in Michigan. “Sometimes I like to dress the scarecrow up,” said a very lonely farmer.

3. Last week, police in Connecticut arrested a man accused of firing a gun into a bathroom because he thought someone was taking too long to use the facilities. “Yes, but how fast can he run?” said Oscar Pistorius.

4. On Saturday, undefeated Nyqvist won the Kentucky Derby, making it eight wins in eight races for his career. Or, the exact opposite of Carly Fiorina’s track record.

5. Last week, a seven-year-old in Virginia, who was born without hands, won a national handwriting contest. I don’t know how she managed to write, but I’m pretty sure afterwards they let her keep the pen.

6. Rocker Ozzy Osbourne and his wife of 33 years, Sharon Osbourne, have announced they are getting a divorce. Usually, when it comes to divorce there are no winners, except in this case the loser is whoever gets custody of Kelly.

7. A teacher in Utah violated school policy when he used the n-word before showing his eighth grade class the Civil War movie “Glory.” Although the school should have know something was up when the teacher insisted on showing his class “Lincoln” in reverse.

8. A woman in Ohio celebrated her 90th birthday by going skydiving with her entire family. And, once on the ground, they continued the celebration by reading the will.

9. During a TV interview on Sunday, former Republican presidential nominee John McCain suggested Paul Ryan or Joni Ernst as potential running-mates for Donald Trump. Because if there’s one thing John McCain’s good at, it’s picking VPs.

10. According to reports, rapper Jay-Z is working on a new album that will be a response to his wife Beyonce’s recent record “Lemonade,” in which she accused him of infidelity. Because apparently he’s never heard the saying ‘When wife gives you Lemonade, you should probably shut the fuck up.’

May 4, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. On Saturday, American Pharaoh won the 141st Kentucky Derby with Firing Line coming in second and Dortmund taking third. Unsurprisingly, last place went to I’m Glue Now.

2. After losing in an unanimous decision to Floyd Mayweather Saturday night, Manny Pacquiao told reporters that he thought that he had won the match. That story again, the guy who got hit in the head 100 times has a different memory of things.

3. Over the weekend, golfer Tiger Woods and skier Lindsey Vonn announced the end of their three-year relationship citing “hectic lives that force us to spend a majority of our time apart.” Begging the question, what kind of stripper name is “Hectic Lives”?

4. The U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention is advising people to refrain from having sex with Ebola survivors. Well, there goes my pickup line.

5. Two more women came forward on Friday claiming that comedian Bill Cosby sexually assaulted them decades ago, bringing the list of accusers to more than 40. I’m no legal expert, but it’s probably a bad sign when the rape case against you is a class action.

6. Last week, possible presidential candidate Jeb Bush said if he could take anyone he wanted to a basketball game he would choose Teddy Roosevelt or rapper Pitbull. And if Bush does catch a game with Pitbull the real hero will be the guy who operates the Kiss Cam.

7. The first ever Starbucks express store opened in New York last week. The store is able to speed up the average wait-time by encouraging customers to give an incorrect name to begin with.

8. Surveillance video identified two Pennsylvania women who have stolen nearly $8,000 worth of bras from Victoria’s Secret. When asked why they were watching Victoria’s Secret surveillance video, authorities said, “That’s not important.”

9. Thursday night, the Cleveland Browns misspelled the name of their first round pick Cameron Erving when announcing the pick on Twitter. Said Erving, “Since I’m going to Cleveland I’d rather be incognito anyway.”

10. Due to financial difficulties, Malaysian Airlines announced that it will be offloading its entire fleet of A380 super jumbo jets. Hopefully, this time, when Malaysian Airlines gets rid of planes no one will be on them.

April 30, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. According to Star magazine, actor Leonardo DiCaprio is hooked on the dating app Tinder. Finally, someone has made it easy for Leo to get women. Because it was such a struggle before.

2. According to Star magazine, actor Leonardo DiCaprio is hooked on the dating app Tinder. Although, I saw ‘the Great Gatsby,’ and if he’s interested in ever getting an Oscar, his best bet is Grindr.

3. According to reports, heavily tattooed wrists can prevent the new Apple Watch from working properly. And I’m assuming those guys can’t wear the watch on their ankles because of the court mandated ankle monitor.

4. According to South Korean intelligence, North Korean leader Kim Jong Un has executed 15 senior officials so far this year. You know, with a solid 40 time, he could get drafted today by the Patriots to play tight end.

5. A recent Instagram photo showed the cast of the popular Disney show ‘Lizzie McGuire’ all together for a reunion. “I didn’t do it on purpose, it just ended up that way,” said the shift-manager at Applebees.

6. A notorious hacker claims to have devised a technique that will crack the combination to any Master Lock in under two minutes. So congratulations to that criminal mastermind, hope you like dirty gym clothes.

7. Scientists have identified chemical markers in urine that are linked to body mass, offering clues about why obese people are more likely to develop illnesses such as cancer, diabetes, stroke and heart disease. The first clue, their urine is 80% Mountain Dew.

8. On Wednesday, Arkansas Derby winner American Pharaoh was installed as the favorite for this weekend’s 141st Kentucky Derby. Marking the first time in history anyone has ever uttered the phrase, “He’s got a good chance as succeeding, after all, he was a winner in Arkansas.”

9. Budweiser is being criticized for its latest tagline “Bud Light, the perfect beer to remove ‘no’ from your vocabulary for the night.” As is “Yeah, I guess I’ll have a Bud Light.”

10. On Wednesday, Democratic presidential hopeful Hillary Clinton urged policemen throughout the country to use body cameras. Or, as Bill Clinton heard it, “She’s finally warmed up to the idea of role playing and I can video tape it.”

June 9, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. Actors Melanie Griffith and Antonio Banderas issued a joint statement saying they “have thoughtfully and consensually decided to finalize [their] almost 20-year marriage.” But the good news is we may get to hear Banderas attempt to pronounce the words “conscious uncoupling.”

2. Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas and Israeli President Shimon Peres committed themselves to the quest for peace during a face-to-face meeting on Sunday. But, considering “shalom” means “peace,” “hello” and “goodbye” in Hebrew, there’s a good chance that Peres was actually agreeing to say “goodbye” to Palestine.

3. On Friday, a federal judge struck down Wisconsin’s ban on same-sex marriage, finding it unconstitutional and, in the process, providing a second meaning to all Green Bay Packers merchandise.

4. Secretary of State John Kerry commemorated the 70th anniversary of D-Day at by relaxing at his family’s estate in the French resort of Saint Briac-sur-Mer on Saturday. “If that’s the case, turns out I’ve been commemorating D-Day everyday for the past twelve years,” said Kim Kardashian.

5. The CIA officially joined Twitter on Friday and, as of today, has over 500,000 followers but is only following twenty-five accounts, mostly other governmental agencies. “Hey CIA, what’s a guy go to do to get a follow?” said Edward Snowden.

6. California Chrome’s bid to complete the Triple Crown ended in disappointment on Saturday at the Belmont when he finished in fourth place. California Chrome’s owner said, despite the setback, the horse will be a big part of next year’s Kentucky Derby, so, if you attend, maybe avoid the hotdogs.

7. Thousands of bicyclists poured into the streets of Portland, Oregon on Saturday for the 11th annual World Naked Bike Ride. And, as is tradition, the same cyclist took part in the 11th annual Replace Your Bike Seat day on Sunday.

8. A man who completed a cross country drive from Arizona to Michigan with a dead woman in his van will not face charges for failing to report her death immediately. Proving that one out of two people would rather die than move to Detroit.

9. As a protest against what he has labeled as unfair treatment by local officials, a Florida man has painted his house to resemble the American flag. And, to add that extra note of authenticity, he has also switched his mortgage over to the Bank of China.

10. On Saturday, three men escaped a Canadian jail via a helicopter that briefly touched down in the courtyard. Said the prison warden, “And people said we’d never get any use of that helipad when we built it.”

May 16, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. The hotel where Jay-Z had an alleged altercation with Beyonce’s sister Solange Knowles says it has fired the person who leaked the tape to the media. Whereupon he was immediately hired as Solange’s PR guy.

2. At the Children’s Book Week Gala in New York Wednesday night, Rush Limbaugh took home the award for author of the year. Proving what I’ve said all along, kids are morons.

3. At the Children’s Book Week Gala in New York Wednesday night, Rush Limbaugh took home the award for author of the year. It’s good to see Limbaugh finally getting the recognition he deserves from his intellectual peers.

4. On Thursday, Kentucky Derby winner California Chrome was treated for a cough and a blister. Which means a horse has better health insurance than I do.

5. According to a new study, U.S. children are consuming more than 10 pounds of sugar annually if they eat a typical morning bowl of cereal each day. As a result, Life cereal has been forced to change its name to “Life?”

6. A 31-year-old woman has been arrested after spending several months posing as a teenage student at a private Texas high school. The woman was able to pull of the con for so long because being a chain-smoking sophomore with two children is commonplace in Texas.

7. A 31-year-old woman has been arrested after spending several months posing as a teenage student at a private Texas high school. School officials became suspicious when they looked at her.

8. The Vatican said on Thursday that Pope Francis is shunning bulletproof vehicles during his trip to the Middle East this month, insisting he use a normal car and be allowed to be as close to people as possible. Said the Pope, “It’s not like I’m going to Detroit.”

9. Experts in London are now claiming that peeing on a jellyfish sting does nothing to alleviate the pain. But it is still a pretty effective way to take your mind of getting stung by a jellyfish.

10. A new app called “What’s Applebee’s” lets users connect to fellow Applebee’s fans. It’s a great service that allows users to skip the hassle of driving all the way down to the unemployment office and striking up conversations.

11. A new study that looked at brain scans suggests smoking while pregnant may be linked to less control over inhibitions when the child is an adult. “I’ll have a carton of Marlboro Reds,” said 23-year-old Dina Lohan.

12. Maryland Governor Martin O’Malley on Thursday signed into law a bill banning discrimination against transgender people. As a result, the Washington Redskins have finally agreed to change their name to the Washington Bruce Jenners.

13. On Wednesday, TBS announced that Conan O’Brien will continue to host his late-night talk show through 2018. “So, come 2019, you’re telling me there’s a chance,” said Jay Leno.

14. New Jersey Governor Chris Christie’s spokesman testified on Tuesday that he was misled by fellow officials about the purpose of a major traffic disruption apparently used to retaliate against a political foe. And, it should be noted that Christie is forced to use a spokesman quite often as his own mouth is usually full.

15. According to a new study, college freshmen were more likely to get behind the wheel after smoking marijuana than drinking alcohol. So if you thought it was hard to remember where you parked before.

16. Target and Doritos have teamed up to market the walking taco, which is the result of pouring ground beef and cheese into a bag of crushed Doritos before eating it directly out of the bag. They thought about naming it the running taco, but, let’s be honest, the type of person who would be interested in eating this type of thing isn’t running anywhere anytime soon.

17. According to reports, Apple will unveil the next incarnation of its iPhone in August, on month earlier than industry watchers were expecting. “Ah, fuck,” said the entire workforce of China.

18. Three University of Oregon players who were accused of rape have been dropped from the team despite a decision by prosecutors not to charge them criminally. But, on the plus side, they’re now the front-runners for the 2014 Heisman Trophy.

May 5, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. Last week, NAACP Los Angeles chapter president Leon Jenkins resigned after the group came under fire for its plans to present a lifetime achievement award to Donald Sterling. Which ironically, knowing Sterling, will now be thing he looks upon as his biggest lifetime achievement.

2. According to a new study, men who don’t have success with popular erectile dysfunction drugs may be using them incorrectly. Begging the question, where have they been shoving those pills?

3. Multiple porn stars have agreed to boycott all Samuel L. Jackson movies because he admitted to watching pirated pornography online. That story again, porn starts will be boycotting every movie ever made.

4. Multiple porn stars have agreed to boycott all Samuel L. Jackson movies because he admitted to watching pirated pornography online. And I’m guessing, due to Mr. Jackson’s affinity for the word “motherfucker,” it was mostly MILF porn.

5. On Friday, an Arkansas judge ruled a law requiring voters to bring photo ID to the polls was unconstitutional. Luckily for most Arkansas voters, the judge also ruled it unconstitutional to require voters to bring shoes to the polls as well.

6. According to a report, actor Ben Affleck was banned from playing blackjack at the Las Vegas Hard Rock Casino because he was “too good.” Which is the same reason they gave Affleck when he asked why “Gigli” was pulled from theaters so quickly.

7. According to a report, actor Ben Affleck was banned from playing blackjack at the Las Vegas Hard Rock Casino because he was “too good.” Affleck being good at something is the ultimate example of something that happens in Vegas, staying in Vegas.

8. Over the weekend, California Chrome won the 140th Kentucky Derby, while Commanding Curve came in second and Sarah Jessica Parker took third.

9. On Saturday, Shelly Sterling, estranged wife of Clippers owner Donald Sterling, said she spoke with NBA Commissioner Adam Silver to tell him she supported his decision to fine her husband and suspend him for life after his disgusting racist comments. Said Shelly Sterling, “You think those comments were disgusting, I’ve seen him naked.”

10. British police launched a European-wide hunt on Friday after five monkeys disappeared from a zoo in northern England. Zoo officials are unsure of how they escaped, but think it has something to do with the hand-dug tunnel hidden behind a poster of Koko the monkey.

Monologue Jokes – May 6, 2013

1. Venezuela brushed off criticism from President Obama on Sunday and maintained its accusation that an American detainee is a spy pretending to be a filmmaker. Said the detainee, “Thanks, Argo.”

2. Venezuela brushed off criticism from President Obama on Sunday and maintained its accusation that an American detainee is a spy pretending to be a filmmaker. Oh, please let it be Ben Affleck.

3. U.S. regulators have approved a machine that sedates patients during colonoscopies without the need for a physician to monitor delivery of a sedating agent. Even more impressive, once patients are out, the machine is programmed to talk to other machines about how gross they look naked.

4. Yesterday was Cinco de Mayo, one day where everyone, regardless of their heritage, comes together to drink themselves stupid. But today, it’s back to business as normal, wanting those people out of our country.

5. Over the weekend, Orb beat out a field of eighteen other horses to win the Kentucky Derby. But don’t feel bad for the other seventeen horses, they will continue to have careers in athletics, most likely baseball.

6. Harvard historian Niall Ferguson issued an apology after saying that British economist John Maynard Keynes did not care about the future because he was gay and had no children. Which is stupid, because you don’t have to be gay to not care about our future, right Dick Cheney?

7. Harvard historian Niall Ferguson issued an apology after saying that British economist John Maynard Keynes did not care about the future because he was gay and had no children. Not since the paparazzi and Princess Diana have I seen such a high-profile apology to a dead queen.

8. Harvard historian Niall Ferguson issued an apology after saying that British economist John Maynard Keynes did not care about the future because he was gay and had no children. Which makes no sense, because if gay people don’t care about the future, then who’s buying all these Priuses?

9. Harvard historian Niall Ferguson issued an apology after saying that British economist John Maynard Keynes did not care about the future because he was gay and had no children. Although, I get the sense, Octomom didn’t think about the future much either.

10. An Iowa man ended a dog attack on his spouse by biting the dog that was biting his wife. Which begs the question, what would he have done to the dog if he found it humping his wife’s leg?