August 31, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. The CEO of the infidelity website Ashley Madison has left, just over a week after a massive data hack. He left to be CEO of a younger, much hotter infidelity website.

2. Rock band the Maine has begun a 26-city, completely free tour, in which their fans don’t have to pay anything to see them. “Big deal,” said Nickelback, “people have been refusing to pay to see us for years.”

3. Chris Christie said Saturday that if elected president he will track undocumented immigrants like FedEx packages. Which is weird because you’d think his go to tracker analogy would be Domino’s pizza tracker.

4. Presidential candidate Donald Trump has been outspoken lately regarding his Presbyterian faith and his love of the Bible. Although, considering his recent comments about John McCain, you’d think Trump would prefer a savior who didn’t get captured and crucified.

5. President Obama reassured U.S. Jewish groups on Friday that, in light of the Iran nuclear deal, the U.S.-Israel relationship is still strong. Said Israel, “God forbid you should pick up a phone.”

6. Algie, the inflatable pig which famously flew over London in 1976 for Pink Floyd’s “Animals” album cover has been withdrawn from an upcoming auction. So now, if you’re interested in spending money on a pig full of hot air you’ll just have to donate to Trump’s campaign.

7. This week, Taiwan will roll out limited-edition metro cards featuring a popular Japanese porn star. Because, apparently, unlike New York City, not enough people were masturbating on the subway.

8. New York Jets rookie quarterback Bryce Petty caused an uproar amongst Jets fans when he tweeted about eating Domino’s instead of a ‘real’ New York slice. Also weighing in on the issue, Jets starting quarterback Geno Smith who said he preferred his pizza though a straw.

9. Chris Christie said Saturday that if elected president he will track undocumented immigrants like FedEx packages. Which explains Christie’s new nickname, Really Big Brother.

10. A lemonade stand setup by Jerry Seinfeld’s 12-year-old son in East Hampton was shutdown over the weekend by the police after a neighbor called to complain. Said Jerry, “Newman!”

10 Best Jokes of the Week (as decided by me, I don’t care about your opinion)

1. This week, eight lions, a puma, two bobcats and a coyote, rescued from circuses in Mexico, arrived safely at their new home at a wildlife refuge center in Colorado. But, for some reason, the donkey was perfectly happy in Mexico and refused to leave.

2. Yesterday, Josh Duggar, the disgraced star of the cancelled reality show “19 Kids and Counting,” checked himself into rehab. And, if you thought having 19 kids was scary, it’s even worse when you’re seeing double.

3. On Sunday, rapper Wiz Khalifa was arrested at LAX for riding a hoverboard. Thus concluding our weekly feature of ‘News Stories Most Likely to Confuse your Grandma.’

4. On Tuesday, a Miami couple got married underwater off the coast of Florida’s Key Largo. Unfortunately, the best man held his breath too long and lost consciousness, but, on the plus-side, he counted as the couple’s ‘something blue.’

5. A message in a bottle that is over 100 years old washed up on a German beach this week. Unfortunately, the message read, “Send help ASAP.”

6. Actress Julianne Moore is heading a petition drive to rename the high school she attended in Virginia, J.E.B. Stuart High School, which honors a Confederate general. Which seems noble until you hear that she wants to rename it Julianne Moore High School.

7. According to reports, Vice President Joe Biden received President Obama’s “blessing” to make a 2016 bid for the White House. Barack’s exact words were, “Hell, you can have the job right now.”

8. Kentucky’s Republican Party voted Saturday to move their presidential nominating event from a May primary to a March caucus, a victory for Sen. Rand Paul, who will be able to seek re-election to the Senate while continuing his White House bid. Said the Paul campaign director, “Well, at least we’ll get some use out of these ‘Victory’ banners.”

9. Over the weekend, Donald Trump held a pep rally in an Alabama high school football stadium that drew more than 30,000 supporters. Many were excited to see Trump and a high school for the first time.

10. In a recent interview, Donald Trump said he is so popular with voters because he is not a puppet. Said fellow candidate Bobby Jindal, “Neither am I ever since I made that wish to be a ‘real boy.’”

August 28, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. The internet was abuzz yesterday after the Star Wars Instagram account shared a photo of Stormtrooper Finn wielding a lightsaber which could mean he will battle the Sith lord Kylo Ren. And, in related news, after writing that sentence, I gave myself a wedgie.

2. Germany’s justice minister has accused Facebook of doing too little to thwart racist posts and hateful comments on the social media platform. Because, apparently, Germany doesn’t have a word for ‘irony.’

3. A former high-ranking soccer official charged with soliciting bribes, including $500,000 that allegedly went to build a swimming pool at his house, wants to stay at that house while awaiting trial. Said the former official, “If I don’t stay there, who will feed caviar to my two endangered albino alligators? Surely not Jeeves, he already has his hands full dusting my collection of Faberge eggs.”

4. The piano used to record ABBA’s “Dancing Queen” will go on auction next month at Sotheby’s where it is expected to fetch over $1 million. So, if you like ABBA, and you have $1 million to spare, you’re not a member of ABBA.

5. Child movie star Shirley Temple’s costumes, scripts and a dress she wore to the Oscars will be put up for auction. “Do you guys accepts bids in Subway points?” said Jared.

6. According to market research, Apple, which launched the Apple Watch in June, is within striking distance of leader Fitbit in the wearable devices market. But, if I know Fitbit users, they’ll put up a good fight and then, two days later, completely lose interest.

7. While speaking at a rally in South Carolina on Thursday, presidential candidate Donald Trump invited a woman on stage to feel and confirm that his hair is real. Thus making it really easy for that woman’s therapist to pinpoint exactly when the nightmares began.

8. Planned Parenthood told congressional leaders that manipulations and deletions used in the editing process of secretly recorded videos slamming the organization rendered the tapes unreliable. And there is something ironic about Planned Parenthood complaining about deletions.

9. This week, eight lions, a puma, two bobcats and a coyote, rescued from circuses in Mexico, arrived safely at their new home at a wildlife refuge center in Colorado. But, for some reason, the donkey was perfectly happy in Mexico and refused to leave.

10. A Justin Bieber look-a-like, who spent over $100,000 to resemble the pop star, was found dead this week. That’s terrible, why did that sentence have to contain the word ‘look-a-like?’

11. A new study of a pair of twins found that they had similar brain volumes even when one used recreational marijuana and the other didn’t. Although, the one twin who used pot did have a significantly higher volume of friends.

12. A California man who picked up a rattlesnake to pose for a photograph was hurt when the reptile bit him in the hand. Said the man, “If only there was some kind of warning.”

13. Yesterday, authorities arrested the CEO of Rentboy.com for promoting prostitution through what prosecutors described as the largest online male escort service. Although, I gotta believe the skills of the former CEO of Rentboy.com will be in high demand in prison.

14. Ben Carson says he wouldn’t use drones to kill undocumented immigrants, but he’d order strikes on the caves used to transport people across the United States’ southern border. Because apparently it takes more than a brain surgeon to understand that there are undocumented immigrants in those caves.

15. Major League Baseball and the players’ union have unveiled a new policy on domestic violence, sexual assault and child abuse under which players can be banned even if they are not convicted of a crime. “Coming up with a policy beforehand, that’s a novel approach,” said the NFL.

16. Several major Hollywood studios failed to persuade a federal judge to dismiss a antitrust lawsuit accusing them of illegally conspiring not to poach each others’ animators, to help drive down wages. The salaries are so low in animation that Woody and Buzz have been living together in the same box for years.

17. Hundreds of bare-breasted women converged on a popular New Hampshire beach on Sunday to push for greater acceptance of topless sunbathing. Well, at least it was popular that Sunday.

18. This week, Donald Trump said his favorite book is the Bible. I’m guessing he skimmed the part about turning the other cheek.

August 27, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. Yesterday, Josh Duggar, the disgraced star of the cancelled reality show “19 Kids and Counting,” checked himself into rehab. And, if you thought having 19 kids was scary, it’s even worse when you’re seeing double.

2. On Tuesday, while visiting a museum, a 12-year-old boy in Taiwan accidentally tripped and punched a hole in a 17th century painting worth $1.5 million. Said the boy, “And if the Mona Lisa doesn’t wipe that smirk off her face, she’s next.”

3. On Wednesday, Burger King suggested to McDonald’s that the two fast-food chains come together to make ‘The McWhopper.’ The companies reportedly got the idea to combine their food after watching “2 Girls, 1 Cup.”

4. Yesterday, presidential candidate Donald Trump told NBC’s Matt Lauer that he’s “not a bully.” And I tend to side with Trump, because, from the looks of it, he was the one who got the swirly.

5. On Wednesday, President Obama welcomed the 2014 WNBA champion Phoenix Mercury to Washington D.C. There haven’t been that many lesbians in the White House since Bill Clinton was in office.

6. Yesterday, the 2014 WNBA champion Phoenix Mercury visited President Obama at the White House. And, in related news, presidential candidate Lincoln Chaffee has started practicing his jump-shot, as he now has a new, more realistic plan to get to the White House.

7. On Sunday, rapper Wiz Khalifa was arrested at LAX for riding a hoverboard. Thus concluding our weekly feature, news stories most likely to confuse your grandma.

8. Britain’s National Health Service recently approved a trial for dogs capable of sniffing out prostate cancer. And you thought the test was invasive before, but, at least the dogs have wet noses.

9. According to a new study, people around the world are living longer than ever before. “Yeah, I noticed,” said Prince Charles.

10. On Tuesday, a Miami couple got married underwater off the coast of Florida’s Key Largo. Unfortunately, the best man held his breath too long and lost consciousness, but, on the plus-side, he counted as the couple’s ‘something blue.’

August 26, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. A message in a bottle that is over 100 years old washed up on a German beach this week. Unfortunately, the message read, “Send help ASAP.”

2. In a recent interview, actress Mayim Bialik said that “it’s never going to be trendy to be observant or religious in Hollywood.” Unless, of course, the cult you joined that gets publicity by blackmailing closeted, gay actors somehow tricks the federal government into recognizing them as a religion.

3. Polish hammer thrower Pawel Fajdek used the gold medal he won at the World Championships over the weekend to pay for a taxi ride. He wanted to use an Uber, but it was peak hours and his gold medal wasn’t enough to cover the fair.

4. According to a new poll, Republican Jeb Bush’s support is slipping in the race of the party’s presidential nomination. Begging the question, can his dad afford to buy two elections?

5. On Tuesday, a U.S. Appeals Court ruled against a New Jersey law that would have legalized sports betting in the state. So now, the best way to lose money on sports in New Jersey is to buy Jets season tickets.

6. Actress Julianne Moore is heading a petition drive to rename the high school she attended in Virginia, J.E.B. Stuart High School, which honors a Confederate general. Which seems noble until you hear that she wants to rename it Julianne Moore High School.

7. The Napa Valley Wine Train apologized to members of a book club who were upset when they were booted from the luxury rail car for disturbing passengers with their laughter. So maybe reach out to your aunt to see how she’s doing today.

8. According to a new study, the arrest rate for the general U.S. population was nearly twice that of NFL players from 2000 to 2013. Also beating the national arrest rate, every other private business in the country. Congratulations on your meaningless accomplishment, NFL.

9. Former New Mexico Governor Bill Richardson on Sunday said he would endorse Democrat Hillary Clinton in her bid to win the November 2016 presidential election, calling her the best candidate in the running. Unsurprisingly, presidential candidate Donald Trump was angry to hear that there’s also a ‘new’ Mexico.

10. According to a new study, hairdressers who reuse gloves while dying hair risk exposure to chemicals that cause irritation and allergic reactions. Although, if you’re a hairdresser who has to reuse a 50 cent pair of latex gloves, I’m guessing things weren’t going great for you to begin with.

August 25, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. Yesterday, it was announced that wildlife conservationist Bindi Irwin will join the cast of “Dancing with the Stars” next season. No word on which star she will be paired with.

2. According to reports, Vice President Joe Biden received President Obama’s “blessing” to make a 2016 bid for the White House. Barack’s exact words were, “Hell, you can have the job right now.”

3. Two Maryland men were arrested yesterday after they attempted to fly a drone into a prison to deliver a cache containing drugs, porn and a handgun. I miss the old days when you had to have sex with an extremely unattractive prison guard to get that type of stuff.

4. Many incoming Duke freshman have refused to read the graphic novel “Fun Home,” which is on their summer reading list, due to its homosexual themes. Although those students seem to be missing the whole point of a summer reading list, you’re not supposed to read those books anyway.

5. According to a new study, babies born early, even slightly premature, are more likely to develop ADHD. Which, makes sense, since they got bored and wanted out of there ASAP.

6. Yesterday, boy-band One Direction announced that they are not breaking up but will be taking a “well earned break” next year. An announcement that left both people who hate and love the band very disappointed.

7. Yesterday, boy-band One Direction announced that they are not breaking up but will be taking a “well earned break” next year. “You may want to reconsider that,” said Joey Fatone, A.J. McLean and all of New Kids on the Block.

8. Rain put a damper on a plan for hundreds of women to go topless at a New Hampshire beach on Sunday in a statement for gender equality, with only two or three dozen showing up. Said the men in attendance, “Oh, was it raining? I didn’t notice.”

9. Apple is recalling a batch of iPhone 6 Plus smartphones that are taking blurry photos. Although, in your case, Karen, you should probably keep yours.

10. Donald Trump says he’ll take donations to his presidential campaigns, but not from lobbyists who will expect something in return. Which is a shame, because the number one thing lobbyists wanted was for Trump go away.

August 24, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. Apple is recalling a batch of iPhone 6 Plus smartphones that are taking blurry photos. “I don’t know what you’re talking about, they look fine to me,” said Billy Joel.

2. Kentucky’s Republican Party voted Saturday to move their presidential nominating event from a May primary to a March caucus, a victory for Sen. Rand Paul, who will be able to seek re-election to the Senate while continuing his White House bid. Said the Paul campaign director, “Well, at least we’ll get some use out of these ‘Victory’ banners.”

3. In an interview, NBA hall-of-famer Charles Barkley said he is leaning toward supporting John Kasich in the 2016 presidential race. And, I don’t know if you’ve seen Barkley lately, but once he starts leaning, there’s no righting that ship.

4. Over the weekend, Donald Trump held a pep rally in an Alabama high school football stadium that drew more than 30,000 supporters. Many were excited to see Trump and a high school for the first time.

5. In a recent interview, Donald Trump said he is so popular with voters because he is not a puppet. Said fellow candidate Bobby Jindal, “Neither am I ever since I made that wish to be a ‘real boy.’”

6. Donald Trump told a rally at an Alabama football stadium on Friday that he would crack down on illegal immigration if elected president. Then he also promised to finally catch “those Duke boys.”

7. As of midday Friday, more than 159,000 people had signed a petition for comedian Jon Stewart to be the moderator in an upcoming presidential debate because he has played “an influential and iconic role in covering U.S. politics and media.” “I’ll do it!” said Geraldo.

8. ”Transformers” star Megan Fox on Friday filed for divorce from actor Brian Austin Green after five years of marriage. Marking the first time in history that people are clamoring for a role that Brian Austin Green used to play.

9. Last week, Donald Trump said Jeb Bush is totally out of touch with women’s issues. Adding, “He’s never even once judged a swimsuit or talent portion of a competition.”

10. According to CNN’s new poll, Donald Trump is leading Hilllary Clinton by two percent in Florida. Which is a scary thought, I can’t believe Florida gets a vote.

10 Best Jokes of the Week (as decided by me, I don’t care about your opinion)

1. After being outed by the Ashley Madison information dump, Celia Walden, the journalist wife of Piers Morgan, admitting to having an account on the infidelity website by only because she was working on a story about the site’s founder. Although, a more believable excuse would have been that she’s married to Piers Morgan.

2. A fake U.S. presidential candidate named Deez Nuts has stirred a social media frenzy by polling nearly 10 percent of registered North Carolina voters in a hypothetical match-up against Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump. Which means, as long as Hillary doesn’t win, we will have a President Nuts.

3. In a recent interview, Republican presidential candidate Ben Carson said he is open to using military drone strikes on American soil. Begging the question, does anyone want to win this nomination.

4. A system that uses a wireless brain scanner that reads a movie-goer’s brainwave data has been developed which allows the user to influence what happens on the screen. For instance, everyone who utilized the technology while watching “Pixels” used their brains to turn the movie off.

5. Fans of the panda Bao Bao at the National Zoo are wary of her possible pregnancy because she has faked pregnancy five times before. Said Bao Bao, “What can I say, I like to sit down on the subway.”

6. On Tuesday, the Spanish government condemned a reggae festival’s decision to cancel a concert by a Jewish musician after he refused to clarify his position on Palestinian statehood. Although, you had my support at “condemned a reggae festival.”

7. On Monday, the U.S. State Department said they have identified 305 emails from Hillary Clinton’s private server used while she was secretary of state that may contain classified information. Apparently, just like her husband, Hillary isn’t good at scrubbing things clean.

8. This Friday Paralympic gold medalist and convicted murderer Oscar Pistorius will be released from prison and put under house arrest. No word on what they plan on doing with the ankle monitor.

9. Emirates Airlines has announced it will begin operating the world’s longest regularly scheduled, non-stop flight from Dubai to Panama City lasting 17 hours and 35 minutes. But, since the inflight movie is “Pixels,” it will feel more like 32 hours.

10. According to new research, although the universe continues to expand it is also slowly dying. Just like every customer at McDonald’s.

August 21, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. After being outed by the Ashley Madison information dump, Celia Walden, the journalist wife of Piers Morgan, admitting to having an account on the infidelity website by only because she was working on a story about the site’s founder. Although, a more believable excuse would have been that she’s married to Piers Morgan.

2. At a campaign stop this week, presidential candidate Marco Rubio accidentally hit a kid in the face with a football while playing catch. Thus, locking up the all-important Jan Brady vote.

3. A West Virginia mother is upset because her son’s high school will not allow him to wear a t-shirt featuring the Confederate flag. Although, if I’m a high school in West Virginia, I’m just happy when the students show up wearing shirts, period.

4. According to a new report, a tweet from LeBron James is worth $140,000. “Big deal, one tweet cost me way more than that,” said Anthony Weiner.

5. According to a massive data dump by hackers, disgraced reality TV star Josh Duggar, who is accused of molesting five minors, had two accounts on the cheating website Ashley Madison. Said Duggar, “Well, at least the stories about me are getting better.”

6. According to data, July was the warmest month ever recorded. “So it’s not just me, it is hot in here, right?” said Josh Duggar.

7. A fake U.S. presidential candidate named Deez Nuts has stirred a social media frenzy by polling nearly 10 percent of registered North Carolina voters in a hypothetical match-up against Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump. Which means, as long as Hillary doesn’t win, we will have a President Nuts.

8. Former U.S. boxing champion Roy Jones Jr. has filed for Russian citizenship. Any chance you guys want Tyson too?

9. Former reality TV star Josh Duggar on Thursday admitted to cheating on his wife after the massive hacker breach revealed that he was a member of the infidelity website Ashley Madison. That unbelievable story again, there was at least one real-live woman on Ashley Madison.

10. Yesterday, two more women came forward to accuse Bill Cosby of sexually assaulting them in the 1970s. Said Cosby, “You’re gonna have to be more specific.”

11. On Thursday, David Sweat, the New York prison escapee who was at the center of a three-week manhunt, pled not guilty to two charges of escaping prison. Which means Sweat either has the best or worst lawyer in the world.

12. A sex toy company has come out with the first-ever Apple watch controlled vibrator. “Back in my day, we had to use our iPhones,” said your grandma.

13. Presidential hopeful Lindsey Graham compared fellow-candidate Donald Trump to the Wizard of Oz “because there’s nothing behind the curtain.” Said the reporter, “Okay, but you still haven’t explained why you’re wearing those ruby red slippers.”

14. A U.S. appeals court on Wednesday ruled that the uniforms worn by cheerleaders across the country can be copyrighted under federal law. The judge was swayed by the cheerleaders’ argument which started with, “Give me a C. C, you got your C, you got your C. Give me an O …”

15. Donald Trump appeared to contradict his own immigration policy proposed on Tuesday, just two days after releasing a detailed outline of his plan. Then Trump called himself from two days earlier a moron.

16. According to a new study, women’s brains responded better to romantic cues if they had eaten first. “Oh yeah, you can’t drink on a empty stomach,” said Cosby.

17. On Tuesday, the State Department said there is no timeline for reestablishing commercial air travel to and from Cuba. “Looks like I’m back in business,” said Jorge of Jorge’s Makeshift Rafts.

18. Republican presidential candidate Scott Walker on Tuesday unveiled his healthcare plan under which credits would be given to tax payers to purchase health insurance based on age. For instance, those under 17 would be given a $900 tax credit while Larry King will be given all of Arizona and parts of New Mexico.

19. On Friday, the British palace sent a letter to all media groups asking them to back off coverage of 2-year-old Prince George, citing multiple examples of the extremes the paparazzi have taken to snap a picture. Even more concerning the for the young prince’s safety, he has started dating Dodi Fayed.

20. MMA fighter Kinberly Novaes found out that she was 12 weeks pregnant when she fought Renata Balden back in May. Novaes didn’t know she was pregnant until three months later because non one wanted to tell her she had put on a few pounds.

August 20, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. On Wednesday, former Subway pitchman Jared Fogel pled guilty to charges of child pornography and sex with minors which carries a jail sentence of five to twelve years. Said Fogel, “I’ll take a five and a twelve year-old.”

2. In a recent interview, Republican presidential candidate Ben Carson said he is open to using military drone strikes on American soil. Begging the question, does anyone want to win this nomination.

3. A system that uses a wireless brain scanner that reads a movie-goer’s brainwave data has been developed which allows the user to influence what happens on the screen. For instance, everyone who utilized the technology while watching “Pixels” used their brains to turn the movie off.

4. The Pennsylvania house that portrayed the lair of fictional serial killer Buffalo Bill in “The Silence of the Lambs” has hit the market for $300,000. Well, at least you know the walls are thick and the neighbors keep to themselves.

5. The Pennsylvania house that portrayed the liar of fictional serial killer Buffalo Bill in “The Silence of the Lambs” has hit the market for $300,000. It’s a three bedroom, two bath with a very unfinished basement.

6. This week, Donald Trump said it would be extremely easy to round up all the undocumented immigrants in the country. I didn’t hear the rest of the interview, but I’m sure whatever followed was crazy racist.

7. Presidential hopeful Lindsey Graham compared fellow-candidate Donald Trump to the Wizard of Oz “because there’s nothing behind the curtain.” “I still got dibs on the Tin Man, right?” said Romney.

8. On Monday, a former senior advisor to President Obama suggested that Hillary Clinton is like Scottie Pippen to President Obama’s Michael Jordan. Although a better comparison would have been Bill Clinton to literally any basketball player ever.

9. George Zimmerman is selling paintings of the Confederate flag to support a Florida gun store owner who declared his business a “Muslim-free zone.” Which can only mean one thing, Zimmerman is running for the Republican presidential nomination.

10. Fans of the panda Bao Bao at the National Zoo are wary of her possible pregnancy because she has faked pregnancy five times before. Said Bao Bao, “What can I say, I like to sit down on the subway.”