February 3, 2020 – Monologue Jokes

1. President Trump said on Monday the United States and China were in close contact regarding the newly identified coronavirus outbreak. “Close contact? Be careful, you might contract something,” said China:

 2. Last week, scientists discovered four new species of sharks that walk. Scientists made this discovery by showing the movie “Cats” to a bunch of sharks and watching them walk out of the theater. 

3. ‘Rolling Stone’ reported this week that during a listening party for his new record, singer Justin Bieber cried during the album’s playback. Crying because you’re being forced to listen to Justin Bieber music is the most relatable Justin Bieber has ever been. 

4. London’s first cheese-themed hotel opened last week. There are only rooms for one, because if your lifestyle makes you want to sleep in a cheese hotel, you’re probably provolone. 

5. NASA recently announced that it wants to put a female astronaut on the moon by 2024. While Mike Pence wants to put all women there by 2025.

6. Author Mary Higgins Clark, known as the ‘Queen of Suspense,’ died on Friday at the age of 92. Or did she? 

7. Doctors have issued a warning telling young men not to masturbate using banana peels, which has become a trend circulating on social media. Otherwise you may find out just how curious George really is.

8. Former National Security Adviser John Bolton has announced that his forthcoming tell-all book will be called “The Room Where It Happened: A White House Memoir.” It will be the first book told entirely from the Presidential bathroom. 

9. Democratic presidential candidate Michael Bloomberg has already spend over a quarter of a billion dollars on campaign ads. It’s all part of Bloomberg’s plan to be more omni-present and annoying than Flo from Progressive. 

10. Border agents arrested a 36-year-old US citizen this week after finding 222 pounds of liquid meth in his truck. To give you an idea, this is what 222 pounds of meth looks like:

11. A man in China recently ate several live eels in an attempt to cure his constipation. “No matter how this ends, it’s gonna be my problem” said the aquarium’s janitor.

12. Last week, it was announced on Twitter that Mr. Peanut, the 104-year old mascot of the Planters snack food company, has died. Although the timing of his death is suspicious since it came so quickly after the release of this photo:

13. An ad appearing in the Waze navigation app is misdirecting motorists trying to get to Atlantic City’s Borgata Casino into the wilderness of New Jersey instead. The ad is actually from the Borgata, specifically the casino’s collections department:

14. Soccer star Megan Rapinoe recently appeared on the cover of ‘Sports Illustrated’ wearing a dress and holding a sledgehammer. “So it was the swimsuit edition,” said lesbians.

15. Last week on Twitter, actor David Schwimmer proposed a reboot of ‘Friends’ featuring an all African American cast. During the first episode Gunther calls the cops on the six black people for loitering in the coffee shop. 

16. Last week on Twitter, actor David Schwimmer proposed a reboot of ‘Friends’ featuring an all African American cast. Great news, we already have our Rachel:

17. Tinder is adding new safety features, including a panic button that alerts safety authorities if something goes wrong during a date. That’s crazy because it implies that something could go right on a Tinder date.

18. “Doctor Who” made history with its first ever black Doctor, who was revealed during Sunday night’s episode. Unfortunately it was Dr. Conrad Murray:

19. Twitter said on Monday accounts of several NFL teams, including the San Francisco 49ers and Kansas City Chiefs, were hacked, ahead of the Super Bowl. And apparently the Cleveland Browns:

20. President Trump tweeted in Arabic and Hebrew this week to promote his new Middle East peace deal. Begging the question, how can you even tell in Trump’s tweets are in a different language:

21. According to reports, Queen Elizabeth initially wanted to demote Prince Harry to an Earl upon hearing his decision to leave the Royal Family. “Vicious burn!” said the whitest people you know. 

22. A woman was arrested last week after attempting to sneak into the U.S. from Canada by running through a library that straddles the border between Quebec and Vermont. Police suspected she wasn’t American because she was in a library.

March 9, 2018 – Monologue Jokes

1. Alec Baldwin and President Trump threw insults at each other on Twitter after Mr. Baldwin described portraying Mr. Trump on “Saturday Night Live” as “agony.” Man, I’ve seen less contentious actor-president relationships between Lincoln and Booth.

2. Sunday night’s Oscar, marked the first ceremony in many years without Harvey Weinstein. And no one was more grateful for that than the potted plants in the lobby of the Kodak Theater.

3. Law experts are saying some of the language in adult film star Stormy Daniel’s nondisclosure agreement suggests that she may have lurid photos that were taken during her sexual encounters with Donald Trump. Said one person who has reportedly seen the photos, “DEAR GOD, I’VE GONE BLIND!”

4. According to ‘the New York Times,’ following news that China’s President Xi Jinping is now president for life, President Trump jokingly told donors, “maybe we’ll give that a shot someday.” “I’m happy you like the idea of a life sentence,” said Robert Mueller.

5. A man was arrested and charged with grand theft larceny after allegedly stealing Frances McDormand’s Oscars trophy after the Academy Awards on Sunday night. And, if stealing an Oscar is consider grand theft, Adrian Brody better lawyer up:

6. A woman was arrested on Tuesday after she attempted to open an aircraft door during a flight from San Francisco to Boise, Idaho. But, to be fair, if you found out you were headed for Boise, you’d want out ASAP too.

7. During a news conference on Tuesday, President Trump promised his proposed tariffs on steel and aluminum will be applied in a “very loving way.” Which can only mean one thing, Trump will not ask for the tariff’s consent beforehand.

8. On Tuesday, former pornstar and alleged presidential mistress Stormy Daniels sued Donald Trump. That story again, a blond airhead with large tits and a penchant for suing people is being sued by Stormy Daniels.

9. President Trump refuted recent reports on Tuesday, saying there is no chaos in the White House. And in related news, Melania is now jealous of chaos.

10. In response to a Republican bill to name a state highway after President Trump, a Democratic state senator has proposed a bill to name an offramp after Stormy Daniels. And what better way to honor Trump’s legacy than to use Stormy Daniels to get off.

11. The White House announced this week that President Donald Trump has agreed to meet with North Korean leader Kim Jong Un by May. That story again, maybe don’t make any plans for after May.

12. 70-year-old Arnold Schwarzenegger announced that he has agreed to star in a sixth Terminator film. His catchline in the movie will be “Oy, my back.”

13. Sunday night, the Winston Churchill biopic “The Darkest Hour” won the Academy Award for best makeup. So good luck to whoever had to break the news to this losing nominee:

14. Over the weekend at the NFL Scouting Combine, Central Florida’s one-handed linebacker Shaquem Griffin did twenty reps on the bench press at 225 pounds with a prosthetic hand. And, in unrelated news, I’m pretty sure I pulled a hamstring getting off the couch this morning.

15. Over the weekend, “The Emoji Movie” swept the Razzies Awards, taking home the worst picture, screen combo, director and screenplay awards. Which is weird, because I don’t remember Johnny Depp being in that.

16. Russian President Vladimir Putin told Washington to send him hard evidence that his citizens meddled in U.S. elections. May I present Exhibit A:

17. President Donald Trump’s Chief of Staff John Kelly on Friday conceded the White House could have better handled a scandal involving senior aide Rob Porter. Said Kelly, “But other than that, I think we’re nailing it.”

18. Two phone companies say they plan to put a high-speed cellular network on the moon. So fingers crossed this means they’re sending the “can you hear me now” guy to the fucking moon.

October 13, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. The student Academy Awards were held on Thursday in Beverly Hills. They are just like the regular Academy Awards except to get nominated you don’t have to watch Harvey Weinstein masturbate into a potted plant.

2. This week, President Trump gave his first one-on-one interview in three months to Mike Huckabee. And, given all that, no one was under more pressure than the chairs:

3. Madison Square Garden has created a ticket package for $400,000 that includes front-row seats for 180 events, including all Knicks and Rangers games and concerts from the likes of Billy Joel and Shakira. Or, you can pay $500,000 for a package that doesn’t include Knicks games.

4. According to a new ‘Vanity Fair’ article, an increasingly frustrated President Trump has been heard saying, “I hate everyone in the White House.” Said Eric, “This is the first time I’m happy daddy makes me sleep in a tent out back”:

5. It is being reported that during the meeting that led to Secretary of State Rex Tillerson calling President Trump a ‘moron,’ Trump said he wanted to increase the U.S.’s nuclear arsenal tenfold. Which is five more folds than normal for him:

6. According to a new survey, 52% of men say they haven’t personally benefited from women having access to affordable birth control. A result that only makes sense if they somehow, accidentally polled Kevin Federline 52 times.

7. The world’s heaviest woman died this week. Luckily, it was an easy death because she had ample experience going towards the light:

8. According to a new study, half of Americans think, in the future, having sex with a robot will be normal. That story again, Ann Romney was way ahead of her time:

9. This week ‘The Times of London’ reported that ousted movie exec Harvey Weinstein once invited a British noblewoman to “jump in the bath” with him. Begging the question, just how big was that bathtub that it could fit Harvey Weinstein and another human being?

10. According to a study in the American Journal of Emergency Medicine, more than 1 million Americans injure themselves on stairs each year. Not to be outdone, 60 million Americans were fucked over by an escalator last year:

11. Vice President Mike Pence left a football game between the Indianapolis Colts and the San Francisco 49ers on Sunday after some players knelt during the National Anthem. There was also a mass exodus following the National Anthem at the Jets game, but that’s because it was announced they were playing the Browns.

12. This week, President Trump responded to reports that his Secretary of State Rex Tillerson called him “a fucking moron” by challenging him to an IQ test. IQ tests are based on verbal intelligence, mathematical ability, spatial reasoning, and, uh-oh, ability to open doors:

13. Microsoft said on Monday it was looking into whether Russians bought U.S. election ads on its Bing search engine. Oh man, if that’s true, those ads could have been seen by literally tens of people.

14. This week, Russian President Vladimir Putin received a puppy as a belated-birthday gift from the president of Turkmenistan. Said Putin, “Great, just what we need in this country, another foreigner who pees wherever he wants.”:

15. Some East African countries no longer want foreign secondhand clothing because they’re trying to manufacture their own clothing. But what those Africans really want is to meet the back-to-back-to-back-to-back Superbowl-winning Buffalo Bills teams of the early 90s.

16. A company has begun selling condoms in 60-custom-fit sizes in response to men who say they don’t like wearing prophylactics because they don’t fit properly. Said those same men to their girlfriends, “Did I also mention I’m allergic to latex?”

17. Forbes magazine, which annually ranks the world’s richest people, said they have a ‘Trump rule’ where they take whatever Trump says he’s worth and divide it by three. Completely disregarding two-thirds is an idea the magazine said they got from Trump himself:

18. Authorities say man in Minnesota lived in a house with the decomposing bodies of his mother and twin brother for over a year. But, on the plus-side ladies he’s a homeowner now.

19. White House officials believe Chief of Staff John Kelly’s personal cellphone was hacked. Even crazier, Trump’s wasn’t:

20. Grammy-winning rapper Nelly was arrested near Seattle early on Saturday after a woman accused him of sexually assaulting her on a tour bus. But we shouldn’t rush to judgment, maybe it was just locker room talk:

July 24, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. The U.S. will reportedly ban Americans from traveling to North Korea. That story again, Dennis Rodman will have to find a new way to desperately seek attention.

2. Over the weekend, actor Ben Affleck confirmed that he will continue to portray Batman in upcoming films. Which explains this recent photo:

3. The legal Bunny Ranch brothel in Nevada has offered O.J. Simpson a job as a greeter. Of course, if he accepts, it won’t be the first time he’s in a room covered in other people’s DNA, allegedly.

4. On Friday, White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer resigned. Spicer said he is hoping that his previous, more dignified job is still available:

5. On Friday, newly hired White House communications director Anthony Scaramucci quietly deleted old tweets that were critical of President Trump and his policies. “Wait, you can delete old tweets!?!” asked Trump:

6. While promoting his upcoming movie at Comic Con, actor Will Smith said seeing ‘Star Wars’ for the first time was better than having sex. Said fans in attendance dressed up as their favorite Star Wars character, “I guess we’ll just have to take your word for it.”

7. An angry pregnant wife in Vietnam attacked her cheating husband’s mistress by allegedly forcing red-hot chili peppers into her vagina. “Wow, the acoustics in here are great!” said the Red Hot Chili Peppers:

8. Police in San Francisco said a man was mugged and the two assailants made off with his ventriloquist dummy. Police are hoping to track down the muggers to thank them.

9. A 22-year-old named Fellony Hudson is accused of felony kidnapping, felony eluding and felony possession of a stolen car. And don’t even ask what his brother Sodomy Hudson is being charged with.

10. Kellyanne Conway said Sunday that CNN made a “business decision” to be “unfair” to President Trump. Just like Conway made a business decision to give that apple to Snow White.

June 16, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. Pablo Picasso’s granddaughter, Diana Widmaier-Picasso, is starting her own jewelry line. All earnings will come one to a set.

2. You will soon be able to rent President Trump’s childhood home in Queens for $4,000 a month. Or, if you’re willing to spend a lot more, you can rent Barron’s childhood home, just make the check out to Vlad:

3. On Thursday, the Justice Department issued a complaint alleging that stolen money was used to finance and produce the movie ‘Dumb and Dumber To.’ “I know that feeling of having your money stolen,” said people who saw “‘Dumb and Dumber To.’

4. An off-the-record speech by Australian Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull in which he mocked President Trump was broadcast on TV. Australia should be careful because Trump angers easily and Austria should be careful because he’s not that bright.

5. The White House has eliminated nearly 60 requirements for agencies to submit paperwork in a bid to make the federal government operate more efficiently. Because if there’s one thing President Trump believes in, it’s not submitting paperwork:

6. On Thursday, Russian President Vladimir Putin offered former-FBI Director James Comey asylum if an investigation is launched against him. “I’ll give you a list of great restaurants in Moscow,” said Michael Flynn.

7. A San Francisco woman found a bullet in a recently purchased avocado. Along with either a death threat or a recipe:

8. According to reports, the 2017 NBA Champion Golden State Warriors unanimously voted to skip the traditional celebratory trip to the White House. Although, just because you lose a vote to go to the White House doesn’t mean you won’t end up there anyway:

9. Rolf Buchholz, the world’s more pierced man reveled that he has 278 piercings in his penis. So, when he says he’s ‘polishing his knob,’ it may not be a euphemism.

10. KFC announced plans to send a chicken sandwich to the edge of space with a high-altitude balloon. “And so the chase begins,” said Chris Christie:

11. According to a new study, Taco Bell is one of the country’s healthiest fast food restaurants. “I was just ahead of my time,” said the doctor who’s been prescribing Chalupas for years:

12. On Sunday, Puerto Ricans voted overwhelmingly in favor of becoming America’s 51st state. Said Trump, “Sorry, Russia already called dibs on it.”

13. Former Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney told reporters on Friday that former Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton encouraged him to take a job in the Trump White House. Specifically, the job of president.

14. The White House said on Friday that President Trump will visit Poland ahead of next month’s G20 summit in Germany. Said Poland, “Trump’s visit will be the most unwanted visit from any foreign leader in our country’s history”:

15. A hospital in Mississippi allowed a 12-year-old girl to help doctors deliver her newborn baby brother. Which, considering it’s Mississippi, was a nice glimpse into the 12-year-old’s not-too-distant future.

16. A Michigan man apparently upset because his food included onions, is now in jail after he allegedly threatened to kill the restaurant owner before exposing himself. Or, maybe, he was just providing the restauranteur a visual example of how to ‘hold the onions.’

17. U.S. Customs and Border Protection officers seized 150 pounds of meth Sunday, found hidden inside boxes of popcorn. Which makes sense, because you can’t get a popcorn kernel stuck in your teeth when you don’t have any teeth.

18. In a new interview, actress Lena Dunham revealed that her dad taught her how to use a tampon when she was fourteen. Or, as Woody Allen refers to it, date night.

19. The inventor of the Hawaiian pizza died over the weekend at the age of 83. He is survived by one slice of sausage, three slices of plain and a full, untouched veggie pizza.

20. A Brooklyn man allegedly prowled a Manhattan bar for drunk college students and then took them back to his apartment, where he forced them to smoke crack before robbing them. “God, I miss college,” said Charlie Sheen.

March 16, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. Tuesday night, MSNBC’s Rachel Maddow released two pages of Donald Trump’s 2005 federal tax return showing that he paid $38 million on a $150 million income. “Duly noted,” said Melania’s divorce attorney.

2. Tuesday’s release of Donald Trump’s 2005 federal taxes revealed that wife Melania used to spell her name with a “J” as Melanija. The ‘J’ was easy for Melania to drop because luckily Donald knew a guy who had ample experience in removing letters:

3. Yesterday, Attorney General Jeff Sessions called marijuana a “life-wrecking dependency … that’s only slightly less awful” than heroin. So, either Sessions got his hands on some really good weed or some really shitty heroin.

4. On Wednesday, Speaker of the House Paul Ryan said President Trump helped write the GOP healthcare plan. And you can tell he helped because “Donald Putin” surrounded by hearts is handwritten in the margins.

5. This week, Congress has received a petition to research obsessive-compulsion disorder. They received it after some rang their doorbell 82 times, no more, no less.

6. Over the weekend, Japan held its annual Penis Festival. And even though they held the penis festival, they made sure to cup the balls.

7. Yesterday it was noticed that the term ‘White House’ was misspelled on an official government website. That story again, the hiring of Betsy DeVos as Secretary of Education is already having an affect.

8. On Tuesday, right-wing website Brietbart released an audio recording of Paul Ryan trashing Donald Trump back in October. But, in Ryan’s defense, he might have a valid excuse like his words were taken out of context or he was in a locker room at the time.

9. The San Francisco home made famous by the TV show ‘Full House’ is up for sale. It’s nice and very spacious, perfect for roommates, which is great because Dave Coulier has been squatting in the basement for the past 23 years.

10. Previously unseen candid photos of Adolf Hitler are set to be auctioned off later this week. And, in completely unrelated news, Steve Bannon was spotted at a local Walmart buying a ton of empty picture frames.

January 5, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. A new program at a prison in Italy is attempting to turn inmates into sommeliers by teaching them the finer points of wine tasting. Said one such prisoner, “I’m getting hints of chocolate and oak, I’m guessing this one was brewed in Snake’s toilet?”

2. A surgeon in Japan is being accused of licking the left breast of his patient following a procedure on her right breast. The doctor said he felt compelled to do so after someone accused him of being an HMO.

3. A picture from the U.K. has gone viral that appears to show a horse trying to get on one of London’s iconic red double-decker buses. “We’ve seen something like before,” said unimpressed New Yorkers:
bus

4. A Catholic priest in Italy is under investigation for allegedly organizing orgies in his church’s rectory and acting as a pimp for up to 15 women. Authorities became suspicious when the priest’s typical response to “Forgive me Father for I have sinned” was “That ain’t nothing.”

5. Former “Dancing with the Stars” cast members Maksim Chmerkovskiy and Peta Murgatroyd welcomed a baby boy early Wednesday morning named Shai Aleksander Chmerkovskiy. Although it wasn’t all happy news, unfortunately the guy tasked with filling out the birth certificate died of exhaustion.

6. A new study found that people who live near busy roads with heavy traffic face a higher risk of developing dementia than those living further away. Thus confirming my suspicion that Gary Busey has been living under a bridge for years.

7. Comedian Rob Schneider is putting together a plan to buy the San Francisco 49ers. Although I don’t know if calling Adam Sandler can be considered ‘a plan.’

8. German trauma surgeons advised the public on Wednesday to walk like penguins to avoid slipping on pavements with freezing temperatures forecast nationwide over the next few days. Hopefully it will end better than when German citizens were asked to goose step.

9. A mother in the U.K. was charged $39.35 by a hospital to hold her newborn baby. “So, can anyone get in on that deal?” asked Jerry Sandusky.

10. A French man named Robert Marchand made cycling history on Wednesday by covering 14 miles in one hour at the age of 105. Shattering all preconceived notions of just how boring bike racing can be.

December 14, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. According to the Committee to Protect Journalist, 257 journalist have been jailed around the world over the past year. Or, as we will refer to that number once Trump takes office, the good ole days.

2. According to the Committee to Protect Journalist, 257 journalist have been jailed around the world over the past year. And, yet, somehow, Geraldo still roams free.

3. A charity website is auctioning off a coffee date with Ivanka Trump. “You had me at date and lost me at charity,” said Donald.

4. The NFL announced on Tuesday that the 0-13 Cleveland Browns will play a home game in London next year. Which I assume is punishment for them sending Piers Morgan over here.

5. Yesterday, rapper Kanye West, who was recently released from a hospital after undergoing a psychiatric evaluation, met with President-elect Donald Trump. That story again, a man who may have serious mental problems met with Kanye West yesterday.

6. On Tuesday, President-elect Donald Trump had a fifteen minute meeting with rapper Kanye West in New York. Unfortunately, it took Trump twenty minutes to realize Kanye wasn’t Ben Carson.

7. A new restaurant has opened in the Kurdistan region of Iraq called “Trump’s Fish” that uses an unauthorized logo of the new President-elect. Which means, twenty years from now, the correct answer to a junior high school history exam question of “Why did the U.S. declare war on Kurdistan?” will be “a fish restaurant.”

8. Yesterday, Microsoft founder Bill Gates met with President-elect Donald Trump in his midtown Manhattan office. Trump said he was happy Gates found the time to meet with him, unlike Apple founder Steve Jobs who keeps no showing all their scheduled meetings.

9. Police in India have arrested 12 moviegoers accused of failing to stand during the playing of the national anthem, which is now required in all of the country’s theaters. That’s harsh, in America, if you pull a stunt like that we just force you to play quarterback for the 49ers.

10. Major League Baseball has banned the practice of ballplayers hazing rookies by making them dress up as women. So now, if a player says he’s a “switch-hitter” there won’t be any confusion.

November 18, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. Housing advocacy groups have alleged that a bank controlled by Steven Mnuchin, a top candidate to be President-elect Donald Trump’s Treasury secretary, engaged in discriminatory practices against blacks and Latinos. The same discriminatory actions were also listed under ‘Accomplishments’ in the resume Mnuchin submitted to the Trump team.
 
2. A 1,500-year-old stone tablet with the earliest known chiseled inscription of the Ten Commandments was sold at auction on Wednesday for $850,000. Said the proud new owner, “If this doesn’t get my neighbor’s hot wife’s attention, nothing will.”
 
3. A&E announced that its hit TV show “Duck Dynasty” will end after five seasons. Presumably because no one on staff knows what comes after five.
 
4. In the past week, more than 20,000 people have donated to Planned Parenthood in Mike Pence’s name. He’s only in his 230th trimester, so it may not be too late.
 
5. This week, a 1,100 pound man in Mexico left his bed for the first time in a decade. That story again, a bed in Mexico broke.
 
6. According to a spokesperson, U.S. President-elect Donald Trump has spoken with nearly 30 foreign leaders since winning the election. But said he won’t make up his mind until the talent competition:universe

7. A congressionally-appointed panel on Wednesday called for the creation of a U.S. museum of women’s history, with preferred sites near Washington’s National Mall. Which finally explains why the Washington Monument looks like that.

8. Residents of a small town in Missouri are upset over a bondage club that operates right next to the local church. Yeah, you wouldn’t want the church-going kids to see images of people being tied-up and tortured:
jesus

9. According to reports, President-elect Donald Trump wants to spend his weekends at his Trump Tower apartment in New York instead of the White House. “I like that idea, in fact, if you want to spend the next four years nowhere near Washington D.C. we’d be okay with that,” said half of America.
 
10. According to reports, President-elect Donald Trump wants to spend his weekends at his Trump Tower apartment in New York instead of the White House. And also the weekdays. And also he doesn’t really want to be president.
 
11. New York’s Columbia University has suspended its men’s wrestling team as it investigates “racist, misogynistic and homophobic” text messages between team members. So let’s update the list:pad

12. According to a new poll, 75% of Americans were surprised when Donald Trump won the election. I trust those numbers, when have polls ever let us down before?

13. A 38-year-old British man set out on Sunday on a 2,000 mile swim across the Atlantic Ocean from Senegal to Brazil. Man, I really don’t understand how this Brexit thing works.

14. Formula One driver Lewis Hamilton had his pet bulldog Roscoe’s sperm frozen to ensure he can have puppies in future. And, in related news, Hamilton’s lower leg is very sore today.

15. Experts say that parents may be able to reduce the chance that their children will develop peanut allergies by introducing the food early on, as young as four to six months of age. And, worst case scenario, it’s a great way to weed out the weak ones.

16. An Australian man linked to an outlaw biker gang has been arrested after police found a gun hidden in his butt. Said the man, “I’ve been looking all over for that!”

17. In a court motion on Friday, 79-year-old comedian Bill Cosby asserted that he intends to resume his stand-up career once litigation surrounding numerous sexual assault allegations against him draws to a close. Which I assume will be a nice treat for his fellow inmates.

18. Mabel Ball, a 108-year-old Illinois woman, who was born the same year the Cubs last won a championship, died only days after the team finally recaptured the World Series this year. “At this rate, I’m gonna live forever,” said Hazel Woods, a 110-year-old Browns fan.

19. A vibrator museum, chronicling the history of the sex toy, has opened up in San Francisco. The only to get into the museum is to first take a tour through the neighboring sex museum and come away unsatisfied.

20. In an interview with “60 Minutes,” President-elect Donald Trump said he’s “fine” with same-sex marriage remaining legal across the country. An opinion I think he’ll stick to unless someone’s stupid enough to tell him that also means two guys can get married.

October 18, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. Yesterday, Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump pledged that the United States and India would be “best friends” if he is elected. “You can’t have two best friends!” shouted a very upset Chris Christie.

2. Republican vice presidential candidate Mike Pence said on Sunday that evidence implicated Russia in recent email hacks, contradicting his running mate, Donald Trump, who has cast doubt on Russia’s involvement. This was not the first time Pence and Trump have disagreed on an issue, just last week Pence revealed that he prefers to grab his wife by the hand.
 
3. According to reports, Donald Trump’s son-in-law, Jared Kushner, informally approached an investment bank about setting up a Trump TV network after the presidential election. Trump TV already has some shows in the works including, “Locker Room Talk with Billy Bush,” “Make America Grate Again with Paula Deen,” and for some reason “Saturday Night Live.”

4. San Francisco 49er Colin Kaepernick was booed by Bills fans on Sunday as he continued his national anthem protest ahead of his game in Buffalo. Although the joke was on Bills fans because, once the game was over, Kaepernick got to leave Buffalo.

5. Over the weekend, scores of cat enthusiasts painted their faces and dressed up in elaborate and colorful feline costumes to celebrate Japan’s annual ghost cat festival. The saddest part of the festival is that participants will now have to wait a full year until they have human interaction again.
 
6. Anti-secrecy group WikiLeaks said on Monday that its founder Julian Assange’s internet was shut down by the government of Ecuador. Or, more likely, Assange has Time Warner.

7. On Monday, the man convicted of shooting at George Zimmerman in a road rage incident was sentenced to 20 years in prison for attempted murder. Although he will be let off on good behavior if he can somehow follow through on that attempt.
 
8. In a recent interview, Melania Trump said her husband was “egged on” in the 2005 tape in which he made lewd comments about his own sexually aggressive behavior toward women. So we should be fine with a President Trump just as long as no foreign leaders are as cunning a manipulator as Billy Bush.

9. Yesterday was the U.N.’s International Day for the Eradication of Poverty. And, granted, I’m no poverty expert, but I feel like it might take more than a day.

10. Russian President Vladimir Putin said on Sunday, Russia does not seek confrontation with the United States and is not trying to influence the upcoming presidential election. Adding, “Especially now that comrade Bernie is no longer running.”